Coming Clean and Purging

[Vanishing Girl]

I've been actively working to better myself for 9 years now and sometimes I still feel like "what's the point?" I still fight with my thoughts more often than not, still repel people (more now than ever, I think), and still have toxic qualities in my main relationship with my husband. It's a ton better than it ever has been. We've both grown so much and actually have constructive communication majority of the time. We both still have knee jerk reactions to one another though....we don't keep it going when those come up. We both usually get quiet and go into our respective "corners" to simmer down before we continue talking.

 

My addictions are all but gone, but since my Mom died I have been emotionally eating (some of the foods I'd given up from childhood has made reappearances).

 

Before my son was born (2 1/2 years ago), was in a really good head space and emotions were tolerable (meaning I was not living in the extremes), my marriage was working well, and physically I was in great shape. I know I had PPD (diagnosed, but in denial) and looking back, I felt crazy for the first year and a half after he was born.

 

We walked away from our house when he was a year old. 12 years of busting our tales down the drain. We downsized big time! Went from single family home with 2 car garage to small apartment.

 

My Mom died 5 months ago and as her executor it's made the last months a blur. I already didn't have a schedule that was really working for me before she passed. Then with the excess workload of emptying and selling her house and jumping through all the PA hoops for settling an Estate, my stress has been off the charts.

 

We're now about to move in with husbands brother and sister (who live in their childhood home), so basically a room with shared common space. Our current living situation has come to an end and we need a way to regroup and for me to start contributing to make money while also doing a better job at creating foundation for ourselves (self care after this crazy last 2-3 years).

 

I am, on one hand, freaking out! On the other hand, I will be getting some help with my son 2-3 days per week which will allow me to breathe again.

 

I called my old therapist today to make at least one appointment. Not sure if I'll stick with her or get recommendations for someone else. Point is, I have to start working on me again the way I used to (while also considering my son, so yes I know it's going to be different).

 

I'm really just posting this to a) document where I am b) putting it out there to get constructive criticism and admitting I need help and sounding boards as my friends (all 2 of them) have come from abuse as well and I'm not sure how healthy their support is. I know they're not abusive towards me (as old friends were), but they seem just as stuck and stagnant as I feel now.

 

I'm at a big crossroads right now. I'm questioning whether or not to keep putting the effort into my marriage and I honestly don't envision how the rest of my life might look. I, at least for the last 9 years, always had a vision. I'm at a loss.

 

The more posts on here I read the more I realize I would really like some healthy sounding boards, and mirrors to see any issues I'm in denial about.

[catfeeder]

I'm really just posting this to a) document where I am b) putting it out there to get constructive criticism and admitting I need help and sounding boards as my friends (all 2 of them) have come from abuse as well and I'm not sure how healthy their support is. I know they're not abusive towards me (as old friends were), but they seem just as stuck and stagnant as I feel now.

 

I'm sorry about your Mom. Where is her home, and is it an option for a place to live?

 

What are the circumstances for moving in with your brother in law, and is that situation at all avoidable?

 

If not, what steps will you need to take to move out of there as quickly as possible?

[Vanishing Girl]

I'm sorry about your Mom. Where is her home, and is it an option for a place to live?

 

What are the circumstances for moving in with your brother in law, and is that situation at all avoidable?

 

If not, what steps will you need to take to move out of there as quickly as possible?

 

Mom's place sold! Not an option. Didn't consider it one at the time (weighed pros and cons).

 

With me not binging in an income, it's not avoidable at this time. A top priority is to start bringing one in via cleaning jobs. All the while still write and do creative work for my business. Mostly eat right, become more routine (grounded in life), and work on our goals.

 

It's not BIL's place. It's MIL's place, but she hasn't lived here for 15 years. Bother in law in process of moving in with his girlfriend. Sister who lives here has hoarder tendencies and wants to pitch it for food so she can eat healthier. It's not dirty or gross here....just cluttered compared to what we're used to.

 

Steps- save, plan, finish RV, check out NC and WV by spring, reassess and possibly rent an apartment/ mobile home. If it's still working here we'd likely stay until we decide if we're buying property, another house elsewhere, or reassessing new possible options.

[catfeeder]

What is your question for us?

[Vanishing Girl]

I don't have a question regarding this matter....just an introduction of sorts and a general invitation for support on any posts.