Stupid text argument with ex

[Sazkaz]

I can't go NC with my ex just yet because we've still got loose ends with the house etc to tie up.

 

So far, I've been pretty much 'gray rock' with him and not responded to him trying to goad me into a petty argument. Unfortunately I've just fallen for it and ended up having a really stupid back and forth texting argument. Now I feel really idiotic and pathetic for lowering myself to that level.

 

Ugh

[Wiseman2]

Too bad phones don't have an eject button.

I've just fallen for it and ended up having a really stupid back and forth texting argument.

Same guy?

[HeartGoesOn]

Pick yourself back up, and remember that even when you fall flat on your face, you're still moving forward.

[leseine7]

I can't go NC with my ex just yet because we've still got loose ends with the house etc to tie up.

 

So far, I've been pretty much 'gray rock' with him and not responded to him trying to goad me into a petty argument. Unfortunately I've just fallen for it and ended up having a really stupid back and forth texting argument. Now I feel really idiotic and pathetic for lowering myself to that level.

 

Ugh

 

I can always tell when someone has had a real doozy of a break up when they know the term 'gray rock' as a method for dealing with an unstable ex.

 

So my advice is just: No contact as MUCH AS POSSIBLE, and tie up the house loose ends ASAP, or communicate only via email to resolve those things and minimally in person (if it's house-related I'm assuming that means you're trying to move out and need to coordinate) Don't ever be in the same place with him at the same time, as much as possible. Gray rock really only works in situations where there's a specific need for contact (kids together, for instance. Working closely together.) I don't see the point in maintaining any contact at all with a toxic ex, but I definitely see how this one is complicated atm.

 

Quit beating yourself up, because that won't help anything. You've got the tools you need to move on and feel better.

[gypsybird87]

Take this as validation that the two of you still bring out the worst in each other, and that this break up is for the best.

 

Something a friend said to me while in the midst of a toxic and volatile breakup: "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." I always remembered that comment. When he goads you, see it for what it is, and be stronger. In order to complete the loose ends and fully get free of each other, one of you is going to have to be the grown up. It might as well be you, right? Hang in there.

[boltnrun]

Whenever someone tries to goad me I just start acting obtuse. Or, I agree with them. And I refuse to fight back. Pretty soon they start feeling stupid for trying to argue with someone who won't fight back.

 

Example: my ex husband and I obviously had to speak because we had kids together. He'd frequently start giving his opinion that I am financially irresponsible. So, I'd just agree with him. He'd say "You don't know how to manage your money! You're irresponsible!" And I'd reply "You're right" or "Yes, I am". That always shut him up lol, because he'd been wanting (and expecting) me to defend myself but I didn't. Took the wind right out of his sails.

 

That's what I recommend. If you two HAVE to talk and he starts in on you, just say "yes, you're right". That'll end the conversation quick.

[Wiseman2]

Take a refresher course in Gray Rock very nicely outlined by boltnrun . Or suddenly interrupt a rant with "OMG! there's a squirrel outside!!"

I've been pretty much 'gray rock' with him and not responded to him trying to goad me into a petty argument

[ParisPaulette]

Try this little trick, be bored. So, so, so, SO bored. Make your voice neutral, stick to business at hand, yawn loudly to yourself even if you have to. Remind yourself how tedious this all is and how very just uninteresting he is and the whole thing is.

 

It will help you sort of "reset" yourself so to speak. And go back to greyrock. Or talk about something you really could care less about, make him think you care about it, enjoy him going off to get at you over something you don't care about. It all helps.

 

Just don't be bored the way Sherlock is. [video=youtube;XViXch8BuT4] ]

 

Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood a little. You're human, it's hard to stay neutral 100 percent of the time with someone who likely knows how to push your buttons. But when it happens, just a calm, "You know what? I'm not going to argue about this any further," said to both you and him if need be then refusing to do so will help.

 

If you can get a third party person involved to handle some of the things, do that. I know it may not be possible, but if it is try that.

[moodindigo91]

Oh, it's okay. A lapse in judgment. This situation is hard because you can't go NC yet. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

Just go back to being "gray rock" with him and working on yourself. It'll get easier as the days go by.