My mom kept a secret for 28 years

[ls33]

I'm 28 years old, my mom always told me to not sleep around, said she never slept w anyone till she got married, etc. well randomly tonight she tells me & my younger sister, "I was married before your father, for 5 years, and left the guy Bc I just didn't love him anymore" she kept this a secret our whole lives?????

[Jubilee11]

People make mistakes. He was a mistake in her life. That's why she left him. You shouldn't judge a person solely by her past. If she has been a good mother and a faithful wife, there is no matter to discuss.

[gebaird]

Wow, that's a pretty shocking revelation. It makes you wonder what else she might be keeping secret! If my mom told me something like that, I'd have trouble sleeping that night for sure. Just when you think you know someone ...

[shellyf62]

She probably didnt sleep with anyone before she married the first man.

 

It was a lot harder to divorce someone back then and there was a lot of shame associated with it.

 

Dont be too hard on her or judge her. There was probably a good reason why she did what she did.

[ls33]

I completely agree she shouldn't be judged for that past. I am only upset that she kept

It secret from me my whole life. Even when I almost made a huge mistake myself by coming close to marrying my high school sweetheart whom I'm certain I would've later divorced

[melancholy123]

I was married at 19 and it lasted 3 miserable years. I left, got a divorce and later on married the man I still am married to now. I have two kids with him who are grown and I've never told them I was married before. It never seemed relevant or important back then and honestly I never think about that first guy, ever. It was a mistake, albeit a part of my life. I dont plan to tell my kids this as it won't have any relevance in their lives, but this post did make me actually think about that guy for the first time in maybe 20 years.

[nutbrownhare]

It's a huge shock when we realise our parents have been keeping things from us. At a really gut level, it changes our perception of them and hence makes us question who WE are. A friend of mine recently found out that her father had been having an affair with another woman right the way through her childhood, and is now questioning whether all the happy family times she had as a child were a complete lie. Of course they weren't. But I can totally understand why she might think so.

 

Finding out revelations like that is a bit of a world-changer regardless of who the other person is - but your mother...!

 

It sounds as though you're not judging her, or her decisions, but just trying to come to terms with something which has rocked your inner world. It'll take time...

[pippy longstocking]

My mum never told me why she divorced her first husband , she didn't tell me when she first had sex , I haven't told my daughter half the stuff I have done and she is 18 in a few months .... lets all stop with the drama .......

[musicman777]

I'm 28 years old, my mom always told me to not sleep around, said she never slept w anyone till she got married, etc. well randomly tonight she tells me & my younger sister, "I was married before your father, for 5 years, and left the guy Bc I just didn't love him anymore" she kept this a secret our whole lives?????

 

Why does this matter? Like everyone else here said... she's only human. She's made mistakes in her past life, so what? Most of us have. Maybe it was a dark time in her life and she never wanted to speak about it again. Maybe she wanted to give you and your sister a positive outlook on marriage, that it should happen once and with the right person.

 

If she raised you right and always was a good mom, none of this should matter. Let me tell you something. My mother is in surgical ICU right now. She's been in there 26 days today now after getting a traumatic emergency surgery removing half her stomach and esophagus from a hernia enstrangling her stomach. She's had a brush with death about three times now in the past couple months. My mother was never perfect, but she is my mom and always will be. She took good care of me as growing up and only wanted to ever see me happy in life despite her flaws.

 

I'm sure that's the case with your mom. You only have one mother. And unless she was never a mom to you, you shouldn't look too deeply into this. Trust me. When you face death with a parent, when that time comes, things like this aren't going to matter. It's a stupid issue you are overlooking into. I'm sure you mother is getting older now, too. You are 28. She won't be around forever so appreciate having her around now. The fact she told you this now, she maybe now trusts/appreciates you as an adult to share such secrets, as well as your sister. You should respect that.

[Seraphim]

Parents are human .

[IAmFCA]

Well, maybe she didn't sleep with anyone till she got married, same as she suggested to you. You seem to think this revelation indicates she's a hypocrite, or that she has become inauthentic. I don't see how that's the case. It's possible that she was more of an experiential learner, that she wishes she could have followed the advice she gave you but that she needed to go try things on her own. Or, consider this: your mom married and he was her first sexual partner. She realized she made a mistake, and had the wisdom to get out of that marriage with no children in tow. She had the guts to start all over, this time a lot wiser. And so, she did.

 

Your mom entrusted you with a personal story. That is a huge gift.

 

Why did she tell you, do you suppose? To help you know that you always come first, even if it means unwinding your marriage? To give you the courage to leave your bf and start all over looking for a new one?

 

This story is a gift. Treat your mother with the respect she deserves, and hear her story with a loving heart. In her mind, your father's marriage IS her first marriage. That other one likely would have qualified for annulment. It didn't feel like a marriage to her so much so as to become unworthy of that title.

[j.man]

My mum never told me why she divorced her first husband , she didn't tell me when she first had sex , I haven't told my daughter half the stuff I have done and she is 18 in a few months .... lets all stop with the drama .......

Amen x10.

 

A surprise? Sure. But if this is something you take offense to, it's because you're the type to seek it out.

 

All kinds of **** happens in our parents' lives we don't know about and we're not entitled to know it.

[Hermes]

Amen to that J.Man.

 

It isn't as if the OP's mother has murdered someone, for heaven's sakes.

 

I never had nor would I have had the slightest interest in my parents' past, before they married. Sure, they both dated others before they met up and married. They'd be kind of odd if they didn't!

[IAmFCA]

I can not imagine judging my mother harshly for having had a man before my dad. She was being courted by three men when she chose my dad. She told me that once, and disavowed it when I asked again. I like the idea that life before her 54 year marriage faded into completely irrelevant.

[pippy longstocking]

Amen to all of you Amens ...

 

Op it is all about how you deal with this information .. your head line is * My mom kept a secret for 28 yrs* well she didn't really did she , cos she wouldn't

have discussed this with you when you where 2 , or 7 , or 10 and as you approach your teenage years , as a mum I can tell you we hold back on our stuff

to help and guide you through those teenage years ..teenage girls ..dear god in heaven I could write a book .. so for many years your mum put you and your sister

first in every way .. so don't view it as some dirty headline news , she was simply being a mum , and a good mum by the sounds of it .

 

Her actions and her wanting you both not to sleep around shouldn't be an issue ..I did half the british army , doesn't mean I want my daughter to . I have being abused very badly in the past in relationships , I am only just starting to tell my daughter little bits and pieces and like I said , she is almost 18 . She has no idea of

some of the stuff I have been through ..life is hard enough for her with exams and an absent father , uni creeping up on her ..can you see where I am coming from..as parents we put our children first and piling on a whole load of information isn't fair on our children .

 

As someone said ..feel precious that she has now shared this and she might have been random about it because she wanted you to know , but didn't know how to approach it or want any drama with it .

[ls33]

Well, maybe she didn't sleep with anyone till she got married, same as she suggested to you. You seem to think this revelation indicates she's a hypocrite, or that she has become inauthentic. I don't see how that's the case. It's possible that she was more of an experiential learner, that she wishes she could have followed the advice she gave you but that she needed to go try things on her own. Or, consider this: your mom married and he was her first sexual partner. She realized she made a mistake, and had the wisdom to get out of that marriage with no children in tow. She had the guts to start all over, this time a lot wiser. And so, she did.

 

Your mom entrusted you with a personal story. That is a huge gift.

 

Why did she tell you, do you suppose? To help you know that you always come first, even if it means unwinding your marriage? To give you the courage to leave your bf and start all over looking for a new one?

 

This story is a gift. Treat your mother with the respect she deserves, and hear her story with a loving heart. In her mind, your father's marriage IS her first marriage. That other one likely would have qualified for annulment. It didn't feel like a marriage to her so much so as to become unworthy of that title.

 

So true. Everyone has given excellent advice but especially this. Her first marriage actually was annulled. Her timing was as I'm about to get married for the first time- to a guy she & my dad completely adore. But when I was the exact age she was for her first marriage, I was getting engaged to a guy whom I later left- he was abusive and I got up courage to call off wedding, move out, etc

[itsallgrand]

Did you ask your mom why she never mentioned it before?

 

I agree this isn't something 'bad' in any way at all, doesn't make your mom any different than she ever was.

 

But I would be shocked too. It's kind of odd to keep that a secret, it's nothing bad, unless your mom is a super private person when it comes to you and your sis to start out with?

 

I'd just have a talk with her. You are 28 - engaged- a grown woman. Maybe your mom has her reasons for popping it now, and that's ok.

 

Congrats on your engagement too! 😉

[DancingFool]

Interesting thread.....

 

I guess I've never for a moment thought that my parents should share with me about their lives and their past, especially the past before I even existed, in every detail. I wouldn't even consider it a secret, more like information that is not pertinent to me unless they feel like sharing something that they think is important for me to know or just comes out of a conversation that you learn about your parents. Some of it may interesting, some surprising, but I'd never consider their choice to discuss or not as keeping secrets from me. I guess I just don't see as being somehow entitled to that info to begin with.

[IAmFCA]

Amen to all of you Amens ...

 

Op it is all about how you deal with this information .. your head line is * My mom kept a secret for 28 yrs* well she didn't really did she , cos she wouldn't

have discussed this with you when you where 2 , or 7 , or 10 and as you approach your teenage years , as a mum I can tell you we hold back on our stuff

to help and guide you through those teenage years ..teenage girls ..dear god in heaven I could write a book .. so for many years your mum put you and your sister

first in every way .. so don't view it as some dirty headline news , she was simply being a mum , and a good mum by the sounds of it .

 

Her actions and her wanting you both not to sleep around shouldn't be an issue ..I did half the british army , doesn't mean I want my daughter to . I have being abused very badly in the past in relationships , I am only just starting to tell my daughter little bits and pieces and like I said , she is almost 18 . She has no idea of

some of the stuff I have been through ..life is hard enough for her with exams and an absent father , uni creeping up on her ..can you see where I am coming from..as parents we put our children first and piling on a whole load of information isn't fair on our children .

 

As someone said ..feel precious that she has now shared this and she might have been random about it because she wanted you to know , but didn't know how to approach it or want any drama with it .

 

 

YES

 

x 1000

 

It wasn't a secret because it wasn't anybody's business. And could have been viewed out of context.

 

And anyway, I don't get what is the big deal. Its shocking to discover there was someone before your dad, but it isn't disrespectful to anyone to have been married previously and have that relationship end.

[tattoobunnie]

My husband found out his dad wasn't his dad when he was 27. His mom lied all that time claiming she didn't know. And I know she did, unless you was banging them back to back, and she wasn't.

 

I found parents tell things to their kids to make them be a certain way, but it doesn't work. You are alive, and hopefully happy and doing well, so what does it matter?

 

Her sex life has nothing to do with you, unless she has these holier than thou standards she tries to press on you.

 

My dad was also married to another woman (arrange marriage), and totally just left her in China. When he went to get married to my mom, only then did she found out about her. I don't think I found out till I was in my late 20's, and made zero difference to me. More funny, just picturing him running off (not funny to the lady though who burned all his family photos, and claimed a family residence of his)...he did send her $10K. which was a crap load of money back then.

[IAmFCA]

My husband found out his dad wasn't his dad when he was 27. His mom lied all that time claiming she didn't know. And I know she did, unless you was banging them back to back, and she wasn't.

 

I found parents tell things to their kids to make them be a certain way, but it doesn't work. You are alive, and hopefully happy and doing well, so what does it matter?

 

Her sex life has nothing to do with you, unless she has these holier than thou standards she tries to press on you.

 

My dad was also married to another woman (arrange marriage), and totally just left her in China. When he went to get married to my mom, only then did she found out about her. I don't think I found out till I was in my late 20's, and made zero difference to me. More funny, just picturing him running off (not funny to the lady though who burned all his family photos, and claimed a family residence of his)...he did send her $10K. which was a crap load of money back then.

 

My friend at 45 found out he was adopted.

 

Life can be crazy like that, but then on reflection it proves the point that labels don't mean much. The way we invest in each other means everything.

[Wiseman2]

For whatever reason, she thought now was the right time to tell you now that you are getting married. It took a lot of courage and she could have never told you. It sounds like she wanted to share a bit about her personal adult life now that you are planning to wed and she is happy about it.

[journeynow]

When would have been the right time to share this earlier? Is she still married to your dad? Maybe she didn't feel it appropriate to chat about out of respect for him, and now feels you are old enough to absorb it maturely.