Will someone please explain life to me??

[Anony514]

*Judgement free zone please. I genuinely would like advice or to know if this has happened to anyone else*

 

First off, I am married. Happily married for a few months, but we have been together for years. I love him and could not imagine this beautiful life without him. Our life is wonderful, but things were turned upside down about a week ago.

 

There is this guy at work. You could consider him a colleuge at best. I would see him in passing, smile when walking by and that's it. It's been this way for over a year. Last week he approached me to start small talk. To say the least we hit it off. I wish this was something small. It's not lust. It's like I've known him for years. It's like I found piece of myself in him. We are intoxicated by each other. I could talk to him for hours and never get enough. When we were done talking I MISSED him. How is it possible to miss someone you technically just met?? To make things worse he admits to feeling the same way. Oh, let me also add that he is married as well (so we are both going to super hell for this)

 

So here's my questions: Do things like this happen? Anyone else experience this?? You find people throughout your life that you just connect with on a whole new level? I do NOT plan on doing anything stupid, but this is really mind f***king me.

 

I feel so alone about this. It's hard to explain this to anyone without them jumping to conclusions that you're a horrible person. Nothing has happened between me and him. I just cannot grasp how you can meet someone and have them turn your world upside down within days.

 

I feel guilty. I feel happy, at home, intrigued, devasted, sad and alive all at once all in a day.

 

I would love advice, a "I've been there" or "things like this happen" from anyone who's ever experience this.

 

Thank you for listening.

[arjumand]

It's called a crush and people in long-term relationships have them --- but those with brains are smart enough to stop them before anything happens. You are in a happy relationship, but it has been years and it is not shiny and exciting like it once was. This guy is new and shiny. Stop spending time in deep conversations, stop hanging out. You are putting your real relationship in danger.

 

Or is the answer here that you settled in order to get married? You hung out with him long enough that you just decided finally to make it official? That is a problem. No one should settle, because sooner or later the right person comes along and everyone is screwed, especially the spouse.

[nutbrownhare]

You and he have a mutual crush. That's all. For heavens' sake, don't do anything about it, and it will vanish in its own time. Even in relationships which start on a real high, the spark goes because it's based on a fantasy, and as time goes on you get to know each other as people and those heady, hormone-driven rosy-spectacled romantic feelings fade away. And that's when you start your relationship for real, each of you seeing the other person as they really are.

 

I've known people who acted on powerful feelings like this. The results were a total disaster, not just for the people themselves when they realised the other was not the demi-god/goddess they thought they were - but for innocent partners and children who had to cope with the fallout. This kind of thing can wreck lives... and for what? A few moments of passion?

 

Occasionally, I've had very strong feelings for another guy when I've been in a long-term relationship. Kept them to myself and did nothing about them. They went away. No harm done.

 

I strongly recommend you do likewise!

[Wiseman2]

Feeling attracted to others happens all the time, so does finding someone enjoyable to chat with. It sounds like you feel guilty about your thoughts/feelings? However if you don't act on them and use appropriate boundaries it should be no problem.

 

You claim you are 'Happily married'. Are you sure about that?

It's like I found piece of myself in him. We are intoxicated by each other.

[greta96]

Oh it can happen, that's a given. It has happened to me quite a few times, which was odd because I normally rarely really like someone. I can also vouch for the fact that every single time it happened, it turned out those it happened with were the absolute worst for me (or would have been, had I followed through with it).

So from my personal experience, I can tell you those feelings that you've known them forever, that you have almost everything in common, etc, are false, I can't explain why it happens, the closest I came up with is that we may have met in a past life (if you believe in that) and there is still some sort of connection lingering in the Universe. It sounds nutty, but there is no other explanation I could come up with.

The fact is that following this false feeling can be destructive, as it's not real or based on anything tangible.

It's actually hard to put it in words!

And yes, most of the guys this happened with were in established relationships, and since I don't enable cheating, I had to refrain myself from doing anything with them (it was excruciatingly difficult!). I thought the Universe was playing nasty tricks on me, but no, it was just them looking to cheat and telling me they felt these unexplainable connections with me as a means to make me drop the underwear faster.

 

It can do a number on your brain, that's for sure. But take it from someone who's been there, acting on those feelings is not smart at all, because you're acting on something that isn't real. I know it's tempting to indulge in daydreaming about this guy, and it's hard to resist talking and spending time with him, but if you take away all the fluff and "out of this world" connection you think you have, all that's left is two people who will potentially cheat and destroy perfectly good relationships for a fantasy.

 

Tell him that precisely because of these feelings you think it's best if you two stopped talking on a personal level, because you don't want to become a cheater or enable cheating. Stop chatting, hanging out and let this crush fade on its own. I know it's not what you want to do, and how hard it will be to say no to your impulses, but trust me on this, you must, or else you'll suffer nasty consequences.

 

It's easy to tell ourselves "maybe this is my other half, the one I was meant to be with". In most cases though, it's just a trick our brains play on us for whatever stupid reason.

[qwaspolk82]

It is lust and that's it. A crush yes. Don't talk to him. Just avoid it all together.

 

Yeah I met someone like that. He was married. As soon as I met him and saw he was married I shut off that instant attraction and actually for a long time we were just friends. Like brother and sister and everyone said that and would call us that. Then we deployed. Got closer. happened. His wife nearly found out. I regret that. I lost my best friend because of it.

 

So just stop it before it starts.

[Blue Ridge]

As a former bartender, I've watched quite a few affairs happen. As soon as you turn to someone outside your marriage to start sharing things with instead of your spouse, you begin bonding with an outside person. Then the brain chemical cocktail that makes us "intoxicated" kicks in. And intoxicated people do dumb things. As soon as you feel that flush of excitement, back off. Not only are you putting your marriage in real danger, but the person you are infatuated with is just an idea. We like what we do know about a new person and fill in all the gaps that we don't know with that of our ideal mate, and can easily convince ourselves that this person is perfect for us. They almost never are.

[Wolfshook]

A girl from college felt similair towards my friend. When she broke up with her bf,and they started spending time together, she realized she loved her ex bf. My friend was hurt like hell.

 

This is called crushing,sometimes you click with some people and it seems like you're ment to be. But once you meet them it falls appart.

[Unreasonable]

This happens to nearly everyone. For me it has only been once though. I almost turned down a job because I developed an instant crush on a woman (my future boss) IN the interview! I was only there for a year and moved on, but holding back and not saying anything about my feelings that entire time was hellish. Every time we had eye contact I flushed and probably turned beet red. But, I was married, and a subordinate. No way anything good was going to come out of moving on that. Honestly the only way I could take it was to stay in my cube and avoid her as much as possible (even though I could come up with plenty of "work-ish" reasons to come to her office), and I suggest you do the same. For me, honestly, it didn't really fade until I left. Hopefully that isn't the case for you.

[MrBean]

Some humans feel polygamous all the time. All humans feel polygamous sometime. We, as humans, have forced the institution of marriage upon us. So this feeling is understood, but if you forced the commitment upon yourself then shouldnt you followup on your commitment and vows? If not now, then when?

[Anony514]

Thank you everyone for your honestly responses. @arjumand you made a point when saying things aren't as "new and shiny" as they once were. I'm trying to be logical about this and maybe I enjoy the attention I am getting from this "new and shiny" man. But I will have to say I did not settle when getting married. He is the love of my life and I can't imagine this without him. -that's when I realized the bottom line.

 

@nutbrownhare I had someone point out yesterday that after the "crush/honeymoon" crap wears off and you get to know the real person thennn those feelings turn out to be not as amazing as you thought

 

@wiseman2 I feel horribly guilty even thought NOTHING has happened. I broke down about this yesterday. It made me realize when my heart still is.

 

@greta96 Gosh, thanks for getting it! It does feel like a cruel joke the universe is playing. I even started questioning God in my head as to why this is happening and why now. If you look up anything to do with soulmates (yes, I've looked up almost every spectrum or scenario about this) you'll see a lot of things suggesting knowing each other in a past life. Thank you again.

 

@qwaspolk82 thank you for sharing your experience. I was thinking earlier than ever as of right now there is no way we could be just friends. I think I would end up in a similar situation you were in.

[Anony514]

@unreasonable I hope so too. We are in an office setting as well and he sits a couple aisles over... The bathroom aisle so seeing him is inevitable.

 

You guys are all right. I can think of 100 ways this can go wrong. Any even if it did go right, what kind of trusting relationship could we possibly end up with when we met on such I'll terms. Sigh. It's been a crazy week.

[nutbrownhare]

Hopefully the feelings will fade in time... they usually do.

[ControlDenied]

Look, what you are going through is normal. What is not normal is that your are acting responsible and checking yourself before acting. That speaks volumes of your integrity. I admire that.

Use this as an opportunity to develop a deep strong lasting bond with your man. Most couples get married in 'autopilot' and later they realize they need to live together forever... Many divorce.

Please use this as a chance to look at your marriage with intent... It takes a lot to build a good lasting marriage. Put your energy into being in one of the few good happy marriages of the 21st century