Still not over

[mikki193]

Hi, my name's Mike and this is my very first post on this topic.

 

I have been with a girl for 4 years, the best ones of my life. We started dating when we were just 17 and lasted till I was almost 22.

 

She was wonderful, always taking care of me, being so sweet and lovely... But I wasn't. I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't realize how a jerk I was.

 

I made the huge mistake of taking her for granted and always taking advantage from it. But don't take me wrong, I wasn't a total idiot 24/7. We spent lots of stories and experiences that I know that I won't live with anyone else.

 

We were doing great and I was sure one day I would marry that girl, but... at some point we started arguing about really stupid things without importance, and it was slowly killing the relationship without me realizing it.

 

So, one day we went to the movies and in the way back home we had a long trip (had no car by that time) and we spent that trip arguing. We reached a point when we agreed to have some time apart to think, but I got angry and told her to go f*ck his friendzoned guy and left without looking back, leaving her in the middle of the city around 3 am. I will always regret that.

 

In that time we agreed to have, I didn't think at all, just enjoyed my time alone with my friends, and met a new girl who was 4 years older than me.

 

A month later I asked my gf to meet to talk about what to do. And so we did, and we broke up.

 

The next day I slept with that new girl. Horrible mistake.

 

She found out, cause I told her because it was killing me inside, and asked her to come back 2 months later. She agreed, but there was no confidence anymore. She was ice cold to me.

 

After 3 months, we definitely broke up, and it's been a year and a half since that.

 

I've been with other girls since then, but none of them gives me what my ex did. I overthink about her most of the time and some nights I find myself staking her social media because my memories won't let me sleep.

 

My friends help a lot, but it's not enough, I feel like dead inside, like I'm worthless for being such a jerk with that wonderful girl which only mistake was to love me more than herself.

 

Last time we spoke was a month ago (we barely talk once every few months). It was for my birthday, she wanted to wish me happy birthday and started to give me conversation for a couple days. I didn't know what to do, that wasn't normal, so I asked her if she wanted me back in her life, not as a bf but in general. She said no, and that completely destroyed me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I tried everything and I can't move on, I can't forget that girl and I wish I've never met her, because this pain is too heavy.

 

Thanks for reading, and please feel free to advice me.

[gebaird]

I've been there, bro. Treated a girl who'd been nothing but sweet to me like a doormat and lost her. It haunted me for a long time and I still struggle with it on occasion, even though our relationship ended 20 years ago. Here are some things I've learned:

 

1) I love everyone around me better because of my loss. I've learned not to take anyone for granted, because I never know when they'll be gone.

 

2) I can't keep reliving the past. Regret is pointless. The words "if only" are the two most painful words in the English language.

 

3) When I think about her and feel that knife twist in my heart, I have a choice. I can change my thoughts about the situation and be grateful for the time I got to spend with her. It's not every day someone so perfect comes along. Some people never get to experience that kind of love. Yeah, it sucks that it ended -- but if I had to do it all over again, even knowing how it would end, I'd do it -- and I'd savor every moment. She was so good that the pain of losing her was worth it. And I wouldn't be who I am today without her.

 

4) I can turn my pain into something constructive. That's why I spend time on this site, because I know what it's like to suffer. I get to be a part of a community of folks who understand, and if I happen to say something that helps someone else then it's a win win. I also started writing poetry as an outlet for my pain. Journaling helps, too.

 

You can let your pain destroy you, or you can let it change you. Become the man you wish you had always been. Love better, live deeper, and keep your eyes squarely focused on the bright future ahead of you. Promise yourself that you won't keep trying to open a door that's been locked from her side. You deserve better than to keep resurrecting fresh pain like that.

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up over this, like you said you were at the age when you're a jerk, everyone goes through that. It sounds like the regret is bothering you almost as much as missing the 'one who got away", no?

I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't realize how a jerk I was. I tried everything and I can't move on, I can't forget that girl and I wish I've never met her, because this pain is too heavy.

[moodindigo91]

Literally, everything that gebaird said.

 

You got this.

[nihongo]

Bravo, gebaird, bravo!

[mikki193]

Really appreciate your response, I'll try my best to follow your advice.