Love is Thicker than Blood

[BigBlue]

Before I begin, what I'm about to say might be a little contentious to some people, regarding inter-family relationships. I'm not looking to get an opinion on whether it is right or wrong. I've already resolved a long time ago that my feelings are true, and so the morality behind this is moot. This also isn't a fetish, or something like that. This is specific to one family member because of who they are as a person.

 

I am only accepting/ responding to advice that is non-judgmental, or actually useful to my situation at hand. I also do have a boyfriend in addition to this issue, I'm not interested in hearing scorn about that, either. My guilt for having this situation alongside an actual relationship is another matter. I'm keeping that separate for the moment, because I can only deal with one thing at a time. Right now, the situation detailed below is the one I'm interested in discussing. Thank you for your understanding and potential input.

________________________________________________________

 

Point blank: I'm in love with my first cousin who is exactly my age. I always have been, even when I was a little kid. I knew he was my true love for as long as I can remember anything. Even though my world-view has gotten larger and I've had lots of experiences, my feelings have always remained the same.

 

My cousin and I only got to see each other once a year (for about three weeks at a time) when we were kids. We had always lived on two different continents, but on the same side of the world. But, even with once a year visits I never saw him as a cousin. I knew he was family, I just couldn't feel that he was my cousin because of the infrequency of seeing him.

 

I the late 90's my family moved across the atlantic, even farther away, so those one time a year visits became financially impossible for everyone. We also didn't speak for a long time because at the age of 15 we had a small spat when he was sent to visit our family in America. It was during a time he was clearly having a lot of personal issues, which is why his family sent him. Whatever we had fought about was really stupid and shouldn't have prevented our communication. (although we probably wouldn't have spoken anyway since we never really spoke on the phone before that. This was all before proper-working high-speed internet that we have today. If were growing up in this period of time, it might have been different...)

 

A few years ago, in my very early 20's, I went back to the middle east to visit my family. We (my cousin and I) reunited in a way that we never had before, as real friends. We had this instant chemistry after years of not being in contact. There was even a moment near the end of that trip were he told me I was beautiful, and I pretended not hear him because I was not sure how to handle it, I had no intention of sharing with him my true feelings back then. However, I ended up regretting my decision to not tell him. I felt I had missed my moment. Years went by with this regret.

 

Then suddenly, last year we started texting on whatsapp. We have so much to talk about all the time now. We debate, we make jokes, keep each other informed on what we up to. Admittedly, we even flirt a small bit every now and then. Sometimes it is hard to tell if he's being sweet as a cousin, or sweet like he's interested in me. Until now I just have flowed with it. But, it has also intensified my feelings for him as we've gotten closer.

 

Now, four years later, I have just returned from a week long trip over there. I went partly with the intention of undoing my regrets, to tell him how I feel. Our reunion this time was even better than before. We were absolutely excited to spent time with one another. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to tell him. Unfortunately, I was rather drunk when that moment finally came. Throughout the day he had been saying how he had feelings for his roommate (she is absolutely adorable, I admit) and everything in me was just bubbling to the surface, I felt if I didn't tell him right there and then I would not say anything later. I couldn't contain myself any longer.

 

The initial conversation itself was awful (for me) because I just couldn't maintain the composure I had envisioned, I was a mess. I told him and I immediately felt rejected, before he even said anything. So, of course, there were unnecessary tears and blubbering. It was just very dramatic and sloppy. I do remember him taking it very well, that he loved that I was telling him this, he as being very sweet. I looked at him through the tears telling him my feelings and he had this very strange expression that went from playful to astounded, like his perspective just changed on everything. But, he was also loving it, being light about it, saying how much he loved me, too. The whole time he agreed with me, that he also had loved me all of his life. But, again, I didn't know if he misunderstood what I was saying, which was frustrating for me. We went back to his flat, and gave me space to sleep on his bed. He was going in and out of the room, sitting with me while a big party was happening at his flat. He prepared the bed and said "you really are beautiful, you know..."

 

The next day, we were on natural and good terms, but I still wanted to clear the air. I couldn't let the conversation sit as it was, it felt so unresolved. We discussed it more rationally with clear heads. I told him I regret telling him while I was drunk. My plan was to tell him, just not like that. He said that he admired me greatly for being honest, drunk or not. He said that he was deeply in love with me when we were young and this news was very surprising to him to hear that it was the same with me. Even when he came to visit us at age 15 he said he was in love with me, and wanted so badly for me to like him.

 

When we came to the discussion of what our families would think, he seemed completely un-phased (even though it's not unheard of there, there is also a taboo in the middle east with cousins in more westernized areas, which he grew up in), and said, "if two people love each other, families aren't enough to keep them apart. Who cares?" Clearly he had thought about this before. But, from that conversation I never got the final answer if he felt the same way.

 

He revealed that he has such low self esteem around this as well, which is why it might have been a difficult conversation with him. He kept saying how little I really know him. If I knew him "properly" that I would think he's a "nothing"-- with no real education, no skills, how fake he was, etc. He seemed so ashamed of his life. I think all of that is completely false, I love his life. He may not have a college education, but he's a very skilled, talented, intelligent, well-read person. I would say more than me, and I actually have a college degree. And, he's open emotionally, just in a different way. I've also mentioned that we have spent a year chatting. It may not be face to face, there may be some sort of disconnect there. But, to me it isn't nothing, I feel I know him better than most people. And, he's always going on how ugly he is, and I think objectively he's a really attractive guy-- the most attractive person I've ever seen, actually. I'm surprised women don't pound at his door! He had a very hard time believing that I was truly in love with him. He kept saying that I was in love with the "concept of him" from when I was young, and not actually him in present day. It made me think that maybe this is how he thinks of me, that he feels he doesn't know me, either. That he's in love with the "concept of me". (If he is at all, that is...)

 

He also kept saying that he's "so fake" and that I'm so genuine-- which I think is totally untrue, I think he's also genuine. I still wonder about why he insisted on that point so adamantly. I tried to ask him but he just kept repeating that. He insisted that if I knew the truth that I wouldn't love him.

 

On my last night staying with him at his flat, we shared the bed-- nothing happened, of course. But, we were talking. All of a sudden he says "I always thought you hated me" I could tell he was still processing our conversation from earlier. After a bit of talking, I asked if I could kiss him. His expression was one of delight but I think he was also shocked that I asked. He asked which kind of kiss, and I said a proper kiss. He insisted that we only kiss on the cheek (I think it's because I have a boyfriend).

 

The next morning he kept saying he didn't want me to go. At the train stop he was playing with my hair. And, when I got to my final bus back to my next destination he gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.

 

A few days later I saw him at a family event and it was okay. We went off for a long walk, just hanging out, nothing heavy. But as we were heading back he said that he felt selfish that we had walked off, that he wanted me all to himself. He said that he went home the day I left his place and was beside himself. He even told the roommate he has feelings for how sad he was that I was gone. (I felt him telling me this is something to take note)

 

A few of us dropped him off at a bus stop to take him home after the party. The two of us had a silently painful goodbye. We hugged tightly and for a long time. We texted afterward, I told him that I loved him more than he clearly understands, that he's the perfect man-- that I wish I could have told him in our last moments together face to face. He responded by saying that he loved me deeply, and was lucky to have me but unworthy. He also said that if he could send me a wave it would be as big as the sea itself, mysterious and without limits. That he can't wait for the next time we see each other. (mega romantic, no?! Or, just suave middle eastern charm...?)

 

As I said, I'm back from my trip. I'm happy I told him. But, I'm confused as what to do, or if I should do anything at all. If he were to text me tomorrow and say "I want to be with you" I would do everything I could to make that happen. I've been with my boyfriend at home for a long time, but I have never loved him like I love my cousin. Those feelings have been a big part of entire conscious life. Part of me does want to get up and go back to the middle east and at least try to develop something with him. But, even if I were to do that, I run the risk that he wouldn't/doesn't want that. Or, that it wouldn't work out with him. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a huge change of scenery in my life; just to ruin my basic friendship with him would be devastating.

 

But, the thing I'm having the hardest time with is this: I see some hesitation in his actions from this recent trip. I can't tell if he truly doesn't believe that I love him and so he's protecting himself. Maybe he hesitates because I indeed have a boyfriend and he's trying to be honorable? And, he's probably a little confused why I'm telling him this if I have a boyfriend. Maybe the information was so surprising to him, and my trip was so short he didn't want to do anything that was to lead nowhere. Perhaps he needs time to process it more before he can respond in any proper way? Maybe since because he thought that his feelings were one-sided, he let go of those old feelings of deep love he claims he had, and now has to rediscover them?

 

Or, to my worst fear, maybe he just doesn't feel the same as he claims he used to. Perhaps he's just saying he loves me instead of turning me down, and this is his "fakeness" he's talking about? However, I have a hard time seeing this as being possible, I feel he would say if it wasn't in the cards for us...but one never knows. He is a complicated person, I will admit that.

 

Maybe I'm off base with all of it. Obviously, I was there, I feel I should I know. I'm trying to be as descriptive and accurate as possible. Please tell me how I can read this situation. What should I do next?

[Unreasonable]

Look, I'm not gonna judge you on the whole first cousin thing. I think attraction to cousins you've had barely interaction with is pretty common. But that's just it. You've had, what? A couple months of real face to face interaction spread out over decades? You DON'T know the "real him" (as an adult - the kiddie stuff doesn't count) and he knows it. I DO think you guys are in love with the idea of each other, at least I definitely think that is how he feels. And even if he denies it, I think that, while he might be willing to have some sexual interactions with you, when push comes to shove, the social stigma of incest is going to prevent him from pursuing the "idea of you" openly to the world. And it was crappy to spring this on him when you had a boyfriend, he probably wasn't able to take you completely seriously.

[Wiseman2]

Google "Genetic sexual attraction". What you have described is neither unheard of nor rare.

[moodindigo91]

I agree with Unreasonable. Not much I can add except for the fact that because of the social stigma and what your family might think if you were to be open about your relationship, not to mention the distance between you, would make it very difficult for you to even have a working, mutually beneficial relationship at all. It sounds like it would be a complicated mess from the start, what you guys share in secret now is lovely, because it's in secret. If you were to go public, it would become very difficult, very fast. Is that something you are prepared for and want to take on? I would do your best to move on.

[ThatwasThen]

There is next to no social stigma to marrying/being in love with a cousin where you are from so socially, any union you two form wouldn't be taboo. However: By what you've explained, he doesn't feel the same way about you and he's smart because he's not feeling that way because he barely knows you.

 

You? You have been crushing on a guy you barely know and everything he says about that is the truth. When I guy doesn't think he measures up to you, then he never will.

 

If you want the ambiguity to go away and actually get a straight forward answer then why don't you just tell him that you would like to talk to parents about forming a proper romantic relationship with him and what are his thoughts on doing that together... ask would he consider you as his lifemate and then go from there. This (unreciprocated?) 'torch' you've been carrying for him for years is stagnating you getting on with your romantic life.

 

Keep in mind that you have a higher chance of having a baby(s) with developmental delays when you have partnered up with someone so close in blood line. That being said, the British Royals had been in breeding for centuries and there doesn't appear to be anything out of the ordinary with the present brood.

 

I suggest you dump your current boyfriend as you figure yourself out though. You're being totally unfair to him and YOURSELF by continuing on in a farce of a romantic union with him.

[BigBlue]

I agree. I'm not proud of my timing. After this incident, I have been thinking more critically about the situation with my current boyfriend, I most likely will end it. I'm not sure how I can continue my regular life from this point on. Just to get that out of the way.

 

I definitely agree with everyone that commented in regards to my relationship, that in that respect what I did was for sure crappy. It may have clouded what he thinks of what I said, as someone else pointed out. I don't feel great about it. The reason I had the impulse to tell him during this trip was because of the rate we actually see each other (not including chatting by whatsapp) is very infrequent. I feared I might be married or something by the next time we saw each other-- although maybe not since I'm not really in love with anyone else. I was scared that if I hadn't told him now, I would never get the chance to tell him in person again. If I were to be married, I probably would have taken it to my grave.

 

I don't think he seems to mind the "going public" aspect of it from what I understood. Where as, I might. Although I wouldn't necessarily be against it, either. I'm sure our family wouldn't be pleased at all. He already has a bit of a strained relationship with his parents, but I do not. I wouldn't want them to blame him for something that isn't his fault.

 

He and I are not interested in children in the first place. Especially if it were with my cousin, I wouldn't consider it an option at all.

 

Thanks for your help.

[BigBlue]

Look, I'm not gonna judge you on the whole first cousin thing. I think attraction to cousins you've had barely interaction with is pretty common. But that's just it. You've had, what? A couple months of real face to face interaction spread out over decades? You DON'T know the "real him" (as an adult - the kiddie stuff doesn't count) and he knows it. I DO think you guys are in love with the idea of each other, at least I definitely think that is how he feels. And even if he denies it, I think that, while he might be willing to have some sexual interactions with you, when push comes to shove, the social stigma of incest is going to prevent him from pursuing the "idea of you" openly to the world. And it was crappy to spring this on him when you had a boyfriend, he probably wasn't able to take you completely seriously.

 

 

 

I partially agree on all fronts (I say partially because by seconding that he's in love with the idea of me is the ugly truth I probably don't want to hear). And you could be right that he's denying the gravity of his feelings about the social stigma. Could be...

 

And you're right, he probably didn't take me seriously due to the boyfriend issue. Not my finest moment/ timing.

[Unreasonable]

There is next to no social stigma to marrying/being in love with a cousin where you are from so socially, any union you two form wouldn't be taboo.

From what I've gathered, she has lived in the states for some time, and he lives in a westernized middle eastern country that does have that taboo.

[BigBlue]

If you were to go public, it would become very difficult, very fast. Is that something you are prepared for and want to take on? I would do your best to move on.

 

It mostly probably would, and I probably should move on, unfortuantely.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, that's a good idea, since that relationship does not seem strong regardless of your feelings for your cousin. The other part would be to mention you ended things with your bf...wait for a reaction.

 

Then there are the other factors. Does he love you romantically? Is social stigma in the way and of course long distance.

I have been thinking more critically about the situation with my current boyfriend, I most likely will end it. . I'm sure our family wouldn't be pleased at all. He already has a bit of a strained relationship with his parents, but I do not.

[BigBlue]

From what I've gathered, she has lived in the states for some time, and he lives in a westernized middle eastern country that does have that taboo.

 

That is correct. However, from his reaction to that part of the conversation: he acknowledged the taboo but seemed not to care so much. I gathered it's still far more common than in the States (I assume). But, yes, taboo is present

[Unreasonable]

he acknowledged the taboo but seemed not to care so much.

I think he didn't want to hurt your feelings or embarrass you by making a big deal out of it. Which it would have, wouldn't it? If he point blank told you that what others think is more important than your love? I mean, forget about society, the family thing is huge, especially if his relationship with his parents is already strained.

[ThatwasThen]

From what I've gathered, she has lived in the states for some time, and he lives in a westernized middle eastern country that does have that taboo.

 

"westernized middle eastern country" sounds like an Oxymoron. Sorry for the preconceived notion.

 

I know that it is generally sanctioned in most (all?) middle eastern countries to marry a first cousin. Her parents may not approve but she'll never actually know until she's talked to them about it.

 

Bottom line (IMO) He doesn't love her like she (thinks) she loves him. Op: Ask the direct question (to both the cousin and what your parents thoughts are on the matter) or do the mental work you need to do to let go of your crush.

[BigBlue]

"westernized middle eastern country" sounds like an Oxymoron. Sorry for the preconceived notion.

 

I know that it is generally sanctioned in most (all?) middle eastern countries to marry a first cousin. Her parents may not approve but she'll never actually know until she's talked to them about it.

 

Parts of middle east aren't as backwards as people think they are. Yes, there are places where it is more common, even encouraged. As for legality, it is technically sanctioned even in most of the united states. It is just a matter of what part of society you derive from, how religious you are, etc. Where he lives it happens to be pretty westernized.

 

But, we have both expressed (in other conversations) the dislike of marriage in general. With or without a cousin.

 

I'm interested in the situation that is playing out in the present moment, which is: now that I've told him, what should I do; how I can do this right; how can I fix it, if need be. Which I think you did speak to, as well. I just wanted to clear up this idea that we want to be married/ have children together-- it is not at all the case. I feel I can safely speak for both of us when I say that marriage isn't even a subject that we're interested in. It is just loving each other/ being together if possible.

[Unreasonable]

: now that I've told him, what should I do; how I can do this right; how can I fix it, if need be.

At this point I'd not press the issue further, and let him take the lead on where this goes. If it goes nowhere, you'll know where he really stands.

 

I think it's premature to tell the whole world about this.

[BigBlue]

At this point I'd not press the issue further, and let him take the lead on where this goes. If it goes nowhere, you'll know where he really stands.

 

I think it's premature to tell the whole world about this.

 

I think that's the best way. Absolutely, I really don't want to get parents/people we know involved. Thanks for your help.

[ThatwasThen]

I feel I can safely speak for both of us when I say that marriage isn't even a subject that we're interested in. It is just loving each other/ being together if possible.

Your whole opening post is you being uncertain due to his rather ambiguous response to your rather ambiguous confession of feelings (other then platonic) for him.

 

If you want to know where you stand and if he actually loves you back, then you have to be straight forward and open about what YOU WANT. If he doesn't want that too then he needs to tell you that in no uncertain terms and if he does want it... then you both need to sit with parents and find out how bad they would take the news and if you're willing to go against their wishes if they are totally finding it taboo and unacceptable.

 

This "thing" you have for him has you stuck emotionally and unable to actually invest in men that would be acceptable as per societies sensibilities in general since you were old enough to be having romantic feelings for someone. I think its time you found out exactly what he wants. BUT (big but) first you have to reflect and really know what it is YOU want.

 

Good luck

[WithLove]

Why are you still with your current boyfriend if you know you're in love with someone else?

[Unreasonable]

I don't think her confession to him was ambiguous at all. I just don't think he had processed or was into the idea at the time, and probably still isn't.

 

I would dump your boyfriend immediately. You are not in the proper head space to be with him or anybody else.

 

There doesn't to have to be any pushing or rushing or telling of the parents just yet, imo. The OP is not saying this has to happen right now. Just relax, don't harp on it, and see what happens over the next few months. It should be apparent by then if he has warmed or cooled to the idea. The last thing that needs to happen is for her to push this hard right now and ruining the relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think her confession to him was ambiguous at all. I just don't think he had processed or was into the idea at the time, and probably still isn't.

and hence why it was imbiguous. He didn't tell her what he wanted because he doesn't know and frankly, either does she, really. She's romanticized this for so long that she's stuck in it.

 

I would dump your boyfriend immediately. You are not in the proper head space to be with him or anybody else.

Agree and posted as such earlier.

 

There doesn't to have to be any pushing or rushing or telling of the parents just yet, imo.

Also agree but once they decide if they are on the same page and figure out if its what they actually really want (him if he's even on the same page) THAT is when they need to bring their parents into it (if they're goin to advance this to being an actual ccouple) or, they keep it secret and never interact as a couple while in the company of parents.

 

The OP is not saying this has to happen right now. Just relax, don't harp on it, and see what happens over the next few months.

Why? She's wasted a whole life time thus far of romantic energy on this guy? Why would she not get solid and unambiguous communication from and to him so that she can advance or quit her focus on him?

 

It should be apparent by then if he has warmed or cooled to the idea.

Not necessarily. How many times have we read about confusion as to intentions?

 

The last thing that needs to happen is for her to push this hard right now and ruining the relationship.

Ruining WHAT relationship? There has been zero indication that he wants one with her except for the crossing of some platonic friendship boundaries that has caused her anxiety and confusion.

 

Op: Your call what you do (of course) just giving you a counter to "let it be" when that's all you've been doing since you were old enough to idolize this guy.

[MissCanuck]

First and foremost, break up with your boyfriend. You're not in love with him and he should be set free so he can find someone else who is.

 

Second, I don't get the impression your cousin feels the same way. The mess you two would create (because like it or not, most people are not going to be supportive of a first-cousin union) is also probably keeping him away. This would just be far too difficult to deal with.