Advice Needed! Not sure what to do...

[popeye16]

Hi All, Hoping to get some advice on what I should do. I will try and keep it to the point and short with the facts. The reason I am posting on a forum is I have no one to talk to about this without the risk of her finding out what I have said.

 

So I am a 30 year old man, been married 5 years, no kids, one dog, and own a house with my wife.

 

For the last 6months or so I have considered leaving and ending our marriage. But I feel a huge amount of guilt, (as most) don't want to upset her, so I stay. Plus I have second thoughts on if its the right thing to do.

After a few days/weeks go by we argue and then I again start considering leaving for a few days or more.

 

We seen to have the same arguments over and over again. I always seen to get the blame, (even if it wasn't my fault) she would go in moods for days and sometimes even weeks. It puts a lot of strain on me and no matter what I say to try and resolve this we just loop back around.

We (me mostly) agree to try and change things but she wants the changes the next day and doesn't give it time so we argue again. ie. she says we don't do things together, (although was are together 90% of the time, ex. Work) then when I plan to do something with my friends she has a go saying I don't include her, she doesn't seem to get the fact that I need some time away from her and with my own friends. I tell her in advance when I am going out but she never plans anything with her own friends, she doesn't really plan anything with anyone of her own friends, she wants it to just be me and her all the time, so now I feel like I cant plan anything without her.

 

She also remembers every little thing I say, word from word. I have a very bad memory so half the time she says I said something I do don't remember if I did or not, this again causes big arguments.

 

I am so confused on what the best thing to do is. I am hoping for some advice.

 

Thanks for reading.

[SherrySher]

It sounds as though you're not communicating very well with one another and also are spending too much time together. This can make things either strained or complacent, or both.

You do need to sit down and be honest that both of you should be spending more time with either friends or doing your own thing..you also should consider couples therapy.

[Snny]

when I plan to do something with my friends she has a go saying I don't include her, she doesn't seem to get the fact that I need some time away from her and with my own friends.

I assume this is a guys night out (??). How often do you go to these?

 

I wouldn't call it quits on the marriage yet. Like the above poster said, there seems to be a communication and boundary problem. It would be easier (and cheaper!!) to see a marriage counselor together first before resorting to divorce/lawyers/court fees.

[IAmFCA]

 

 

What struck me in your post was your choice of language.

 

Think of the marriage as your pet dog. The dog needs to be watered and fed and taken out to the woods for long romps, and short walks at least every day. One of you can care for the dog more than the other, but if that continues for too long, the dog bonds with one of you and the other disengages.

 

Both of you care for the dog in different ways. When the dog is ill, do you blame each other? Or do you consult and console each other?

 

Your w has limitations. So do you. You're both wrong and you're both right. Rather, your limitations hamper your ability to see the big picture, to act a certain way in the moment, to identify the gifts you've been given.

 

My thoughts are

1. Accept that you both suck. (Sorry, feeling lazy with vocab.)

2. Accept that you share a common goal.

3. Regard this goal as a challenge that you share.

4. Compete with the challenge, the two of you on the same team, whipping this marriage back into shape.

 

Have fun with it.

 

I know. I'm divorced. What I'm saying doesn't make any sense. That's because you've got anger, and behind the anger is fear. Face that fear, head on, on your own. If you protect yourself before you protect your marriage, your marriage is over.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with the other posters about marriage counseling. It sounds like the romance is gone and that builds resentment. She's annoyed you never want to be with her...you fight-you are driven to want to spend even less time with her...right?

 

Do you want a divorce? Is there someone else? Have you lost attraction/a sex life? Are you sick of each other from living and working together?

 

Yes, people need some apart/alone time, but they also need to date like in the beginning, not just coast along. Find some leisure things you can do as a couple balanced with the need for breathing room/space. Gotta a give a little to get a little..

We seen to have the same arguments over and over again. she says we don't do things together, (although was are together 90% of the time, ex. Work) then when I plan to do something with my friends she has a go saying I don't include her, she doesn't seem to get the fact that I need some time away from her and with my own friends.