moodindigo91 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 OKAY, so I'm not new here, at all. Everyone knows that I have been in a complicated situation with my ex/pseudo-boyfriend guy. We broke up a bunch of times, remain living together, can't seem to let go of one another. I'm grossly aware of the conflict, and of the resolution, but can't seem to make the decision to walk away just yet. It's a toxic circle. To add to the matter, my neighbor/friend has recently opened up to me about his feelings toward me. This is not something that is new, the feelings have been out there floating around in the atmosphere but never owned up to. They are mutual, and probably have been festering for a while (we've known each other for almost 3 years now). What happened was, we were hanging out one night and he just sort of randomly and unexpectedly kissed me, I'm talking like really kissed me. I was into it, and let it happen until after a while I felt like it shouldn't be happening and so I pulled away and stopped it from going any further. I told him I had to leave, and I took my dog and walked home (which is literally like 5 steps away because he is my neighbor). The next day, he asked if he could see me that night. I agreed. I went over to his place again, and I could tell that he was bothered. We talked about it like real, grown adults (which I was so relieved about because I'm used to dealing with my ex, whose angry and childish during confrontation or feeling-conversations). I told him that I wasn't ready for all of that, and he understood. He is very aware of my situation with my ex, he's been around for a lot of our relationship in the beginning and has even been witness to some of the poor treatment from my ex (has even been the recipient of poor treatment from my ex, which is why they are no longer friends-- though I suspect not the full reason why). I've also opened up to him in recent months about the break up and things. Anyway, he said he was sorry for putting me in this situation, but I told him he had nothing to be sorry about. It takes two to tango, and clearly I was willing. Plus I feel like I'm the one who sort of trapped him into my own situation, I've got lots of baggage with my ex and it is not my intention to drag him into that or end up hurting him in any way. I truly care for him a lot and think he deserves the best. He's a great guy. What got me was the fact that he said I could take as much time as I needed, because he doesn't feel like he will be "going anywhere any time soon." That has got me feeling very pressured but I haven't let him know that because I don't want him to feel as if he's done anything wrong. It seems like a touchy situation. Last week-to-a-week-and-a-half ago, we were texting and he told me he was tired as he didn't take his lunch that day because he was overloaded with work. Recently, he got sick because he was overworked and very stressed, it manifested physically. I told him to slow down because I didn't want that to happen again. He then said something like "thanks for being a great friend." At that point, I felt he made it a point to refer to me as a just a friend, and thought maybe he was taking a step back from me and my baggage, which is something I can totally understand, but felt sad about. I decided to not initiate a conversation with him all together (as I initiated the last few conversations we had) and to leave him his space. Over the last week and a half or so since I decided that, he has been on my mind a lot. I've been dealing with my ex as well, and he's been very pleasant and kind. Made me dinner one night and forced himself to sit through a classic film with me, even pretended to like it. I have been somewhat open to trying again with my ex, only if I can move out. But I can't get my neighbor out of my mind. Today's my ex's birthday. I got him small, cheap gifts so as to not make a big statement but to also not get him nothing. He's going to open mic night at his comedy club tonight, and forgot he invited his other buddy. He couldn't decide if he should hang out with his buddy or me on his birthday. I told him it wasn't a big deal and I wouldn't be offended if he wanted to hang out with his buddy but he kept making a big deal. I offered up a compromise, but as of now I still have no clue what the plans are for the night. Either way, my neighbor texted me this morning saying he's been thinking about me a lot, and hopes I'm well. He asked if I'd like to meet him for coffee sometime this week. I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, I just feel completely torn and very pressured. My ex is pressuring me to decide about us, and I feel (probably unintended) pressure from my neighbor about the same thing. I know I'm the one in the wrong here, I feel horrible. I just literally can't sort out my feelings at all and weigh them without bias. I don't know what advice I'm looking for with this post, I suppose it is mostly just to vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Hmm, go another round with the ex through the toxic circle or create all kinds of awkwardness by dating your neighbor while still living with your ex. I can see why you are so undecided - neither option is ideal! I really think the neighbor situation could only work if you or he moved to a new place. In fact, you moving to a new place may be a requirement for being in any relationship (due to the baggage with your current "roommate"). Your still living with him is, as you say, an indicator that you are not ready to let go even though you are broken up. I would resolve that situation first before moving into a new relationship. It could end very badly otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Snyder Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Whatever you do, don't cheat while you are still living with your boyfriend. If you think your living situation is bad now, you can't imagine the cesspool you'll be in if you cheat and the boyfreind finds out - and they often do. (wait until you move out before starting another relationship.) Plus, the other man lives next door! That's triple trouble! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Hmm, go another round with the ex through the toxic circle or create all kinds of awkwardness by dating your neighbor while still living with your ex. I can see why you are so undecided - neither option is ideal! I really think the neighbor situation could only work if you or he moved to a new place. In fact, you moving to a new place may be a requirement for being in any relationship (due to the baggage with your current "roommate"). Your still living with him is, as you say, an indicator that you are not ready to let go even though you are broken up. I would resolve that situation first before moving into a new relationship. It could end very badly otherwise. Yes, yes I agree. I should have specified, even if I decide to stay with my ex I would like to make it so that I move out regardless. I need my own space, I can't be with him and still live with him anymore. It's getting him on board with that, he will not agree to it. If I move out, it's over to him. I am not dating my neighbor, and wouldn't date him if I still lived with my ex, which is why I put a stop to our whole little situation and decided to not initiate contact with him. I think I would like to get my own place regardless. Also, it is worth it to note that my neighbor's lease is ending in a few weeks and he will no longer be my ex's neighbor after that. I also don't wish to just get out of one relationship and hop right into another, and I think my neighbor knows that. I will stop referring to him as my neighbor so as to not give the wrong idea. Let's call him Tim for now lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Why can't you move out? Lease agreement? Financial reasons? I need my own space, I can't be with him and still live with him anymore. It's getting him on board with that, he will not agree to it. If I move out, it's over to him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 You keep referring to him as your ex but this doesn't fairly represent the situation. You two are still a couple, albeit a strained one. Just wanted to make that distinction. So you need to decide to make this current relationship work or cut it loose. Meanwhile you continue an emotional relationship with your neighbor. So in all actuality you are involved with two men simultaneously. All the verbal semantics doesn't make it right. Looks like you need to make a choice or one will be made for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Why can't you move out? Lease agreement? Financial reasons? I can get my own place now. I have a good job and can afford to live on my own, I'm also not on his lease. He asked me to get a new place with him (my ex) but I said no, I didn't want to sign a lease with him and make that commitment for fear that we'd end up in the same place. He doesn't like my idea of me moving out and us continuing to date, he sees that as reverting in a relationship when he wants to progress (seems like his family pressured him into that on his trip... talking about marriage and stuff). I do not want to get married to him or anyone else and he knows that, too. I guess what is holding me back is my inability to let go. I hate hurting people, it's my biggest problem. That's probably why this situation is killing me right now lol. My fear of hurting people is causing me to hurt people. Irony at its best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Agree that's silly. But so is living like a couple pretending to be exes. These options: live together and be broken up Or Move out and get back together/date seem bizarre, no? Basically you sound unhappy and seem to want to cling to this neighbor to fill voids. He doesn't like my idea of me moving out and us continuing to date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 I don't think it's bizarre for us to work on our relationship while getting our space. But I do see the point of view, it might seem weird but I don't think it should be ruled out as an option. I am unhappy, and I have expressed as much. I don't feel like I'm clinging to my neighbor, our feelings for one another happened organically, over years. I'm not looking for someone to fill voids either. I want to be a complete person on my own, and I feel that I am getting there. I don't feel that there are voids to be filled. I want to be alone, and I want my own space. I'm not seeking a rebound or clinging to anyone. I can and have stopped initiating contact with my neighbor, he's the one who contacted me today, and I don't see how I'm "clinging" to him either, he's been on my mind lately and that is the extent of it. My real issue lies in my inability to be open and say no to my ex, which is why we are in fact still in what is really a relationship without being called a relationship. Every time I try to say no to him, he falls apart and I can't seem to stick to my guns. I do love him and want what's best for him. I have trouble believing that he's changed completely and won't revert back to his old habits of lying and seeking other women/treating me like crap. He seems to think that I'm holding onto the past and should just forget all of those things which I've struggled with for our entire relationship and during the aftermath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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