How to help my partner lose weight and get fit?

[ElizaUnderwood]

Hi everyone,

 

Quick background: My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 5 years. I love him more than anything in the world, and he feels the same way about me. We intend to marry in a few years once we're in a more stable financial position. We spend approx. 8 months of a year together, and he flies home to his family for 4.

 

When we met, he was the fittest person I knew. He was one of those naturally talented people who could pick up any sport and be amazing at it. He'd play soccer for 3 hours every day, play volleyball and tennis on the weekends, run 9 miles every morning. All the exercise meant he had a pretty amazing body, and that naturally reflected on his self-esteem and confidence levels.

 

However, over the last two years he went through a bout of severe depression that nearly cost him his life. He gave up working out, resorted to comfort eating and has piled on over 25 kilograms since we met. His depression has been at bay, but the weight he has piled on is affecting the way he sees himself.

 

I love him very, very much and I'm still attracted to him as a result, so I'm not asking for myself but for him. I'm trying to motivate him to workout, he's never been a quitter before but he's turned into one now. I'm so worried about him, all he's doing is eating and wallowing in misery. He needs to be looking for jobs (we've both just graduated college) and his weight issue is pulling him down to the point that he can't think about anything else.

 

How do I help him? I've tried telling him how incredible he is, and how strong he is to have survived everything that he has etc. but he seems to think I'm biased because I love him. How do I help him motivate himself to workout and take charge of his life again?

 

Thank you for all your help,

[melancholy123]

It's hard because he has to want to lose the weight, you can't make him do it. You can encourage him to go to a gym with you, walk or swim with you, hike with you, ride an exercise bike with you. Notice I said - with you! You can be his inspiration and hopefully help him get moving. If you dont, he may not get up off his butt and do any kind of exercise. Plus you have to motivate him to eat better, which means you eat better too.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you can't. He needs therapy/medication and close follow up for the depression. All you can do is pursue healthy eating, fitness and lifestyles yourself and hope he joins in without 'hints'.

 

You can not push him or coach him, etc. It will be perceived as nagging, controlling and non-acceptance. That will only worsen his low self-esteem and create resistance and strife.

I'm trying to motivate him to workout, I'm so worried about him, all he's doing is eating and wallowing in misery. He needs to be looking for jobs. How do I help him motivate himself to workout and take charge of his life again?

[Andrina]

Is he being treated for depression? He needs to be helping himself by staying on medication and attending psychiatric sessions, especially since you say he almost died because of it. You are young and need to realize that loving someone is not the only thing you need for a good relationship. I was married for 23 years to a man who suffered from depression and when he was under psychiatric care and on medication, everything was wonderful. When he decided to wean himself off of it against my wishes, he went back to isolating himself, being overly sensitive and defensive, and being angry without justification. I finally decided I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that and divorced. Years later, I met a man who I didn't have to walk on eggshells around.

 

I'm telling you this because you don't have the life experience at your young age to look ahead and realize the ramifications of marrying someone who is not successfully treated for depression. If he's not looking for jobs, you would be taking on more or all of the finances. The same thing will happen if he loses a job because he can't bring himself to go in for the day and misses too much work. When you want to go out and have fun, he'll want to stay in his cave instead and eat.

 

I think the only way to try to help him is to ask him to go to a psychiatrist. If he's already been on meds for a while, perhaps they are not the right ones and you can ask him to ask about trying a different one. If he refuses to get help for his depression, are you willing to be a sacrificial lamb and settle for a life that is frustrating and miserable? I was really young when I married a man with depression and wished I'd had a crystal ball to show me the misery ahead. I certainly wouldn't have made the same decision again with what I know now.

[DancingFool]

Doesn't sound like his depression is really done.

 

Other than that, as already stated, all you can do is eat well yourself and invite him along to do stuff with you. Whether you start going to the gym or hiking, biking, etc., etc., etc. Pick something you like to do and just ask him to join you for company and support for YOU. Don't make this about him or it will backfire on you. Ultimately, until he wants to do it for himself, not much you can do. Any talking, nagging and coaching will just keep him fixated on feeling bad about himself.

[ElizaUnderwood]

It's hard because he has to want to lose the weight, you can't make him do it. You can encourage him to go to a gym with you, walk or swim with you, hike with you, ride an exercise bike with you. Notice I said - with you! You can be his inspiration and hopefully help him get moving. If you dont, he may not get up off his butt and do any kind of exercise. Plus you have to motivate him to eat better, which means you eat better too.

 

I've been doing martial arts for the last 13 years, I go mountaineering whenever I get a break and I crossfit! Fitness is a huge part of my life and that was what we initially bonded over. I eat well, workout and I've been trying my best to try and get him to join me. Nothing seems to have worked so far.

[ElizaUnderwood]

He opted for therapy instead of medication since he has a morbid fear of getting addicted to pills. His depression seemed to have receded completely until very recently. Whenever he goes home to see his parents, they degrade and insult him to the point that he sometimes relapses.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I can't imagine how incredibly difficult it must've been to deal with a spouse's depression for 23 years. I do love him, I want to say I won't marry him unless he starts taking back his life, but honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do.

 

He comes back to me in 3 weeks so I'm hoping it'll be a little easier to help him stay afloat.

[charity]

Losing weight is something one has to do all by themselves. If he takes that step then you can be there to assist in many ways. He is the driver in this, you're the passenger.

[DancingFool]

I've been doing martial arts for the last 13 years, I go mountaineering whenever I get a break and I crossfit! Fitness is a huge part of my life and that was what we initially bonded over. I eat well, workout and I've been trying my best to try and get him to join me. Nothing seems to have worked so far.

 

All of that you can do solo....but can't play tennis without a partner.....

 

Keep in mind also that as out of shape as he is, these are really high intensity activities that he won't be able to keep up with so they are intimidating and not really going to make him feel good. Think lower level, lower pace just to get the spark, the desire back for some exercise back. Also, think of what you could get into doing daily. Like a walk together early morning or late evening, where you can spend quality time, talk, find some new parks to explore, etc. It may not seem like much, but even walking a few miles makes a difference and might get him slowly motivated for wanting more on his own so long as you are able to turn that into a routine.

[Wiseman2]

I would print out and reread Andrina's (#4) post over and over and over. Don't make this about you "help" him vs his parents don't because he spends months there and you don't like it or them. It's about grossly under-treated serious mood disorders and his resistance to appropriate treatment. Most bipolar people hate meds and believe they can override things.

 

Unfortunately the fit man you met was only a snapshot in time of who he was, what you see now is also who he is. In manic phases he seems to be into wild bouts of fitness and hyperactivity, that is quite common..

He opted for therapy instead of medication since he has a morbid fear of getting addicted to pills. I want to say I won't marry him unless he starts taking back his life, but honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do.

[Gary Snyder]

It's hard because he has to want to lose the weight, you can't make him do it. You can encourage him to go to a gym with you, walk or swim with you, hike with you, ride an exercise bike with you. Notice I said - with you! You can be his inspiration and hopefully help him get moving. If you dont, he may not get up off his butt and do any kind of exercise. Plus you have to motivate him to eat better, which means you eat better too.

 

- this is the best answer. It will work best if he thinks it's his own idea, so find a workout or sport which catches his eye and gets him to join in with you.