Trying to heal

[ineedtofixme]

Entry 1

 

I look back and although you're not supposed to have regrets. I have many. You always look back and think, what if I said this, or did that. I know realistically, it would not have changed a thing. She was damaged and I was damaged. Together would have never worked. But it doesn't make the pain, the feeling of loss or the future uncertainty any easier.

 

Moving here I thought was my fresh start. Put everything from my past behind me. Bigger and better things, I thought. But so far, it's all the same, just a shinier package. But I do realize, I never changed, so how would my circumstances?

 

I've lined up some therapy. One through work, not that great, but free. And another that is quite intriguing. She uses horses in her therapy sessions. My ex loved horses, so I thought, maybe they could help me?

 

It's been a weird couple weeks since the breakup. Some days I'm a wreck, others I seem like I'll be okay. Maybe it's because this time, I didn't play 100% victim, I realized I was just as much to blame.

 

I won't lie. I don't wonder if she thinks about me, even though I know she's with someone else. I know she drinks to forget and I wonder if that's what she is doing. Not processing, not remembering, just drinking. But I also know that, I don't know what is going on and trying to conclude the unknown does nothing but cause more pain.

 

Anyways, just wanted to journal a bit. See if it helps.

[charity]

''Regrets are the declouding of the mind''.... I think Winston Churchill said it?.

Regrets help us see where we went wrong, so that we can try not to repeat the same mistakes. Thats where you are now. It's a time of growth.

Yes she is probably thinking of you.

In time, all will be ok.

[ineedtofixme]

''Regrets are the declouding of the mind''.... I think Winston Churchill said it?.

Regrets help us see where we went wrong, so that we can try not to repeat the same mistakes. Thats where you are now. It's a time of growth.

Yes she is probably thinking of you.

In time, all will be ok.

 

Thank you charity. As much as I wish that were the case and as hard of a time I'm having working through all this. Deep down, I'm doubting she is. I know she does not deal with things. She leaves and drinks them away. And now that she has her new drinking buddy. Probably just enough of a distraction for her.

 

Part of me hopes that maybe one day it might cross her mind, but I also know I can't cling on to hope for that day. It's an evil mind game inside myself. I think partially because there was so much we were working towards in our future together. But she's moved on and now so must I, again.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds good. You are doing a lot of moving forward. Yes it does sound interesting.

I've lined up some therapy. One through work, not that great, but free. And another that is quite intriguing. She uses horses in her therapy sessions. My ex loved horses, so I thought, maybe they could help me?

Sorry couldn't resist.

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