I just dont know what to do anymore, please help.

[mummytobe]

Ok, so my partner and i have been together for 2 years now. We are expecting out first child at the end of November and are both very excited. My partner is in the defence force, and because of that we have to move a lot. We just moved to a new location at the start of the year, and not long after we moved and I was looking for work, we found out I was pregnant, so I stopped looking for a job. Money since then has been tight, but we have been getting by perfectly until the last few weeks. My partner smokes and when he gets stressed he smokes almost a packet a day, which is 26 smokes, and they cost about $20/pack. He went to work this morning with $40 in the account until thursday, only to come home with no money left from buying smokes. Now I know this probably doesn't sound like much of a big deal, but he has been doing this a lot lately, leaving us with no money because he has gone out and bought what he wants to buy. Now it has got me stressing, I'm due in a couple of months, and I'm worried he is going to keep up this behaviour when the baby is here. Not to mention lately we have been getting into a lot of arguments because the house isn't always 100% clean, due to me being exhausted and in a lot of pain all the time. He keeps throwing at me that I don't have a job and that I'm just a burden for him, that I do nothing for him, etc. Even though I am the one that makes sure he has everything ready for work every day and makes sure he gets up in the morning. I don't know what to do, we can't stop fighting, its so stressful and overwhelming for me, I just don't know what to do anymore. He's making me feel as though i should just leave, and that he would be happier without me, and sometimes i feel as though I would be happier without him too. I don't know if its just my hormones talking, or if I'm really feeling this way, but all I know something has to change. I have no friends here, I feel totally isolated, I'm miserable all the time, I haven't been able to enjoy my pregnancy, and if this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to enjoy being a new mum. Please help me on what I should do.

[j.man]

This probably would have played out a lot different had you still worked. I get you weren't going to build a big career with a kid on the way, but it was a pretty weak excuse to not work at all. Unfortunately, while a lot of your stesses are legit, the resentment may have snowballed to much to resolve matters without counseling for you two.

[mummytobe]

Pretty weak excuse? I've had health problems this whole pregnancy, so even if i did work i would be off all the time anyway. He told me to stop looking when we found out i was pregnant and then get a job after the baby is 6 months. Plus we just moved to a new state, so it wasn't like i just quit my job when i found out. I was in the middle of looking for a new job when i found out i was pregnant! Even when I was working he would still find a way to spend all the money except use to on gambling. Where I live in Australia it is very hard to get a job as it is at my age, let alone have someone hire you while pregnant. I would much prefer to be working, but it wasn't ideal to keep looking. Its not an 'excuse' buddy!

[Wiseman2]

You need to set up a household budget and stop nagging him about smokes, because the topic is money. Have you gone to social services? If you are pregnant and can't buy food/necessities, you need to apply there.Is there enough for food and rent and bills?

 

What things can be cut back? fancy cars? Phones? Too much clutter? Sell stuff on ebay. He has a good job, why is there no money for necessities?

 

Work as a team, not you smoke/you don't work blah blah blah. that is never ending and resolves nothing. You two have a child coming, you must both be financially responsible and manage a budget. Prioritize. food clothing shelter necessities.

I'm due in a couple of months, and I'm worried he is going to keep up this behaviour when the baby is here. Not to mention lately we have been getting into a lot of arguments because the house isn't always 100% clean

[mummytobe]

I have tried setting up a budget, it doesnt work. Because he spends way too much on smokes. Yes I have gone there, but he earns too much money for me to get anything. He has a lot of debt, so most of the money goes on that. Rent comes out of his pay. Bills we just get by on, and food barely, most of the time we have to cut back on food because he spends the majority on smokes before we food shop. There is nothing we can cut back on or sell, I've tried that too. In my opinion he isn't ready. hes too immature and isnt going to look after us. He thinks its just his money and can do whatever he wants with it.

[Ms Darcy]

Partner? Are you guys married? You might have some options as a result.

 

Either way, having a baby within 2 years seems like a very rushed decision. Certainly, I would advise you not to have anymore until you guys can figure out your finances (with a budget, and perhaps cutting back on some things, save enough to pay for 6 months of living expenses before having another kid). I would also suggest you may need to start working again not long after the baby comes.

[mummytobe]

We are not married we are defacto though, so i get all the same rights as if we were married. The baby wasn't planned as per say, I will not be having any more kids and will be looking for work again once the baby is born. I'm just sick of the 'my money i can do what i want' attitude, because he has to think about people other than himself now. I'm just worried he isn't going to step up to the plate when the baby is here, and im going to be left picking up the slack.

[Ms Darcy]

We are not married we are defacto though, so i get all the same rights as if we were married. The baby wasn't planned as per say, I will not be having any more kids and will be looking for work again once the baby is born. I'm just sick of the 'my money i can do what i want' attitude, because he has to think about people other than himself now. I'm just worried he isn't going to step up to the plate when the baby is here, and im going to be left picking up the slack.

 

So it sounds like you are common law? OK, I'm not sure what common law means in terms of insurance coverage for the child (for example).

 

Honestly, my husband didn't start to truly think of me as his "partner" until we got married. I'm not saying marriage is the end-all but I think you are running into some friction because you think of him as "basically your husband" and perhaps he sees you as his "baby momma." It would be helpful to have a conversation with a third party (like a financial planner) to make some global decisions about how money is to be shared.

 

But if he thinks it's his, outside of expenses for the child, he's got a right to say that.

[Wiseman2]

Ok that's unfortunate, but some discretionary pocket money usually is built into a couple's budget. For example if he wants to spend x on smokes you can spend x on cosmetics or whatever stuff your get solely for your use.

 

Just pick a reasonable amount agree and Stop Arguing..that is not helping. You are expecting in a couple months so it's a little late to say he's not ready, he's immature. You have to work with him, he's supporting you. The more you nag him about smoke money the more he'll resist since it's his money.

 

You Must use a more mature team-like approach to this. Stomping your feet witching about smokes money is going nowhere, right? Approach it as 'what should we do?', not 'you can't spend your money on smokes'.

Yes I have gone there, but he earns too much money for me to get anything. Rent comes out of his pay. Bills we just get by on, and food barely, most of the time we have to cut back on food because he spends the majority on smokes before we food shop.

[mummytobe]

But the thing is we don't have the money to set aside x amount for smokes. Thats what I'm trying to say. We have enough for food and bills, he gets he smokes from cutting into our food budget. And he gets paid fornightly. I have tried many times to talk to him maturely about it, but he just turns around and says my money. Which yes it is him money, but he has people he needs to care for. When I'm working my money is our money and his money is his money. When I'm not working its just his money. I have to borrow money off my parents to get stuff that I need, etc.

[mummytobe]

I get that he has a right to say that it is his money, because it is. All I'm saying is that he doesn't understand that he has people he needs to care for now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship anymore I feel like i'm in a dictatorship. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't think he has to provide just because its his money. it should be our money, like my money is when I'm working, I see it as our money. We are about to have a family and after 2 years of living together he still carrys on like he is single and can do whatever he wants with his money. I just don't see that as fair.

[Hermes]

MummytoBe.

 

"I don't want to be with someone that doesn't think he has to provide just because its his money. it should be our money, like my money is when I'm working,"

 

There you have it. The choice is yours. This type of "relationship" will only deteriorate more. Better to get out while the going is good. Just out of curiosity, what first attracted you to this person?