Should I be suspicious?

[Ahunterlover]

Well to give some background on my relationship I am in love with my girlfriend. Been together a couple years and she cheated a couple times. The first time she cheated it was more of sexting guys on flirting apps. I was devastated and shake to this day over the pain. The 2nd time she had sex with an older man. She admitted to me among other things because I told her we could move forward after she came clean about everything. I had all the intention of following through with that but finding out she had sex with an older guy really ed me up and I had to stay away.

 

Anyways when I start having nightmares re living the old times, worrying about her cheating I turn into an and leave her. It's something i know deep down I could never follow through with but the fear makes me run, fight or flight you know? I did it Friday, I left her and she went out with her friends, I begged her not to go to come over and talk things out. She refused because it basically felt like she stopped caring and gave up. I can understand that because I've pulled this 2-3 times the past month after getting back together. First off I really want to learn how to trust her again so I stop leaving and hurting her. Second I get to my whole point of this forum. Here it goes...she parties Friday night with girlfriends and stayed the night there. Understandable since everyone was drinking. She has no car so the next day she planning on getting a ride home from her father or grandma, both didmt really seem to have time. So she went to a friend's near where her dad was to make it easier to get a ride from him, this is her story. The problem is she stayed the night at a man's house. She said she had to stay there because her dad never committed to giving her a ride. Then she tells me after we start working it back out. Right away I was suspicious and it didn't feel right, so I asked her if she cheated or did anything and she said no. So I said let me meet him and ask him, see who he is and what his intentions are. Do I have the right to ask to meet him? She refuses to and she said it's because she thought I'd think differently about her since he's a black friend. What should I do? I love her so much but there's a barrier built now and I don't know how to get over it, I love her and thats something i can't let go of so I'm stuck. Please help

 

PS the first year or so was an online relationship dating thing. We were gonna try to make it work once in person before but it never happened. We recently got back together and have a really good relationship and a close bond when were together. She wanted me to add that now we're together she feels so different like love wise I think

[Capricorn3]

I think you'll be suspicious for the rest of your life (with this girl), and that's understandable. Cheated on you twice. I'm surprised you are still with her. I would have packed my bags and headed for the hills, but that's just me. Once trust is broken it very very rarely ever comes back 100% - you will almost always be wondering and questioning and that's no way to live. Without trust, you have nothing. Personally, I think you can do a LOT better.

[Ahunterlover]

Well that's nice of you to say that I can do better I appreciate that. But the fact is I can't ever let go when I love someone. No matter how hard I tried to stay I'd only be a call or txt away.

 

Do you personally think that's a suspicious situation?

[Ahunterlover]

Also if we find a way to move past this how do we work towards building trust Again? I told her I'm committed but right now my heart is blocked. I mean it I wanna find out how to trust again

[Capricorn3]

Also if we find a way to move past this how do we work towards building trust Again? I told her I'm committed but right now my heart is blocked. I mean it I wanna find out how to trust again

 

Only thing I can suggest is couples counseling because I doubt you'll ever be able to get past this and trust her again. I have a feeling though that she won't be willing to go to couples counseling and if that's the case, I would cut my losses and move on to better things. This relationship will never be a happy, healthy, successful relationship (imo).

[Ahunterlover]

Only thing I can suggest is couples counseling because I doubt you'll ever be able to get past this and trust her again. I have a feeling though that she won't be willing to go to couples counseling and if that's the case, I would cut my losses and move on to better things. This relationship will never be a happy, healthy, successful relationship (imo).

Actually couples counseling is the next step when I can afford it. I think she's really trying but I can't help but feel suspicious. We want a long life together. I mean she slept over at another man's house suspicious no?

[LadyRayne]

I have to say up front as someone who was cheated on its very difficult to ever get the trust back... You need couple counselling and perhaps you also need individual therapy to help you develop some healthy patterns. The thing about never being able to leave when you love someone is not very healthy if the other person is doing the wrong thing by you.. You need to be able to determine when it's not worth your time anymore. You also don't want to go the other way and become manic on every little thing she does or doesn't do because that will push her away.

 

That's just my two cents but if she is truely sorry and wants to fix things she has to in my opinion be able to prove to you that she is trying to work on things. In my case I asked my ex husband to do couple counselling... He did one session and refused to go back... I had 2 or 3 other conditions that would help me trust him better but he refused to or failed to keep those promises also. I think to me I also needed him to show me some remorse (not that I specifically asked for that because I believe that would have to be a natural process if indeed he was... And I never saw any of it... We did get back together and then 5 years down the track he did it again. I wasted 5 years of my life (if the first 12 years wasn't enough).. In my opinion everything she does now is make or break for the relationship.

 

The caveat is most cheaters don't change and she'll have to go above and beyond to regain any trust if you ask me

[jujusamples]

Actually couples counseling is the next step when I can afford it. I think she's really trying but I can't help but feel suspicious. We want a long life together. I mean she slept over at another man's house suspicious no?

 

I would have left and move on. I would seek therapy, but I would move on. The reason is because I know myself and I know I could never get over the cheating. There will be no relationship if trust isn't there. You will just be setting yourself up for disappointment over and over again. There is actually NO one I know that could handle cheating very well. They all ended up breaking up after a terrible battle with the relationship slowly going in a downward spiral! I mean, there are the odd one that could accept cheating, after some serious therapy.

 

You don't have to stop loving her just because you are not with her. You could just end the relationship, work on your trust issues and go from there. I'd stay no contact with her for a while though. Until you get over the relationship.

[Hollyj]

Well that's nice of you to say that I can do better I appreciate that. But the fact is I can't ever let go when I love someone. No matter how hard I tried to stay I'd only be a call or txt away.

 

Do you personally think that's a suspicious situation?

 

It's sad that you don't love yourself. You have given up up your dignity and self respect for someone who does not care about, or respect you. That's a shame.

[SherrySher]

Cheaters have a certain part of their brain that allows them to do these things without much guilt. The average person would feel too guilty to be dishonest and even hurtful behind someone's back that they cared about. They also are usually self centered and somewhat selfish people to be able to do this. There is also a lack of respect for the person they are with. The don't feel remorse about it either.

 

Cheaters are also the best manipulators you will ever come across. Very good actors. They will cry their eyes out and beg and beg and promise the sun and moon. But this is for show. They want their own way and even after getting their partner back, eventually they will slink back into their old habits of cheating.

They have a certain need for attention of the opposite sex and one person in their life will not cut it.

Their wants and needs will always come first and foremost and anyone else's feelings will barely come into play. They will justify their behaviors in a number of different ways, normally citing that their partner pushed them to do this. Blaming the other person constantly in some way.

In my own personal opinion, this is not a fixable issue.

 

Even if the person were to go into therapy, it is something that is more than difficult to change in a person.

When you see these behaviors in your partner, you really do only have two options. Keep taking it and keep getting hurt eventually, or to leave.

To believe it will now change and that they won't do it anymore is not only very unrealistic, but sad for the partner who did not cheat as they are waiting and hoping for a change that will not happen. It anything, the cheater will just become more careful on hiding their betrayals.

 

There are a small percentage of people who do change for good, and by that, I mean a very small percentage. I think this is what keeps most people hanging on. Believing that their partner is in this small percentage. But again, this is unrealistic and will only keep you in a vicious cycle of hope, when in truth, you will be cheated on again at some point.

What usually happens is that people get cheated on enough that they can't take it anymore, and then finally leave. But this is also after an immense amount of pain.

[Wolfshook]

She's a cheater. She wont change,and you creating drama doesnt help.

 

I'd say take your time,go NC with her and do your best to forget her. Too much damage has been done to fix it in long term ways.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, as much as you love her she doesn't sound ready to be in an exclusive/committed relationship. Chasing after her friends/lovers for answers isn't going to help. Sadly this has turned into a cat-and-mouse game, not a committed relationship.

she parties Friday night with girlfriends and stayed the night there. Right away I was suspicious and it didn't feel right, so I asked her if she cheated or did anything and she said no. She refuses to and she said it's because she thought I'd think differently about her since he's a black friend.

[Bella411]

I have some advice for you: when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She has shown you that she doesn't respect your relationship and is willing to hurt you by sleeping around. Do you deserve to have someone in your life that treats you that way? Only you can answer that question.