Boyfriend broke up with me 2 days after putting a deposit down on a flat

[CED]

We have been together for 3 years, I'm 22 and he's 24. After the first year of our relationship we were practically living together whilst I was at Uni and it really was great. He came over after work, still saw his friends whenever, as did I, and the relationship was balanced and easy like it should be. He told me frequently that I shouldn't have signed up for the the flat I was in and we should have looked for somewhere together, but at that stage it was too early for me. That was the first mention of living together.

 

Fast forward a year til after I graduate and we both had been already talking for a year about moving in together. After graduating it has taken me another year to settle and sort myself out financially so we can afford one but it has always been brought up. Whenever we were having problems about being stuck at his parents his response was "It'll be better when we get a flat together". So in the past month we've finally been in the position to start looking properly together. We went viewing flats and decided on one, and he told me he wanted to go home and put a reservation fee on it asap. He was also asking advice from friends and family and happily telling people we were moving in together.

 

I sorted the whole thing out and just send him the forms he needs to fill and put the money down for the two of us to avoid confusion and telling him he can pay his half back later. This happened on the Friday and I rang him up to tell him it was all sorted and he sounded happy too. He was busy that night so I left him to it and text him goodnight to which he replied to.

 

He was busy again on the Saturday so I left him to it then too, and he didn't text me all day which I thought was a little strange but knew we were supposed to be seeing each other that night anyway, so I rang him an hour before I set off to confirm. His phone rings through twice and then I can't get through. The whole thing is massively out of character for him and when it hits 9 at night I ring his dad (which I have never done) to make sure he made it home safe. His dad informs me he's gone to town with a friend drinking, which is also massively out of character as he doesn't drink.

 

After I realized he was just being an idiot I was fuming. He finally texts me at 12 at night casually saying his battery had died and goodnight and that he loved me, just a standard text. I ring him and ask what the hell he was doing and he sounded like he didn't care about anything. I tell him I'm coming picking my things up from his house to which he just says "you sure? okay". When I see him I straight up ask him if he wants to even get this flat together and whether he even wants to be with me to which he replied he "doesn't know". I say that isn't good enough and drive home, completely in shock. He even transferred me my money back that night.

 

In the morning I text him saying I have some of his things I need to drop off and he text back "leave them in the shed, there's some stuff of yours in there too in a plastic bag". How disconnected and cold the whole thing was has absolutely shattered me. I went to his and rang him up demanding he meet me and give me an explanation. I asked him why he'd let it get this far and he said he didn't want me to be angry if he told me. This is after a year of discussion and him actually seeming to egg it on.

 

It is so bizarre and irrational that over 2 days we've gone from moving in together to breaking up. I asked if it's stress he's been having at work and we could have just taken a step back from the flat if it's what he needed, but completely breaking up? He says that he doesn't know what he wants anymore and his heads a mess, and is hysterically crying (he'd cried once infront of me before this). He said he needs me to know that he loves me so much. I said to him that If this is just a bad period in his life I'll be there and can give him space to sort himself out if he'll work with me but he still said "I don't know" whenever I asked if he wanted to be together.

 

So I said I can't be with somebody who doesn't know and he needs to leave, focus on himself and I hope he finds what makes him happy and to let me move on as this whole thing has been horrific for me. He didn't leave the car for 5 hours crying, even with me telling him I'm finished if he can't give me an answer. When I said he "didn't want to be with me" he even cut me off saying "I don't not want to be with you". Just leaving me in limbo. He even said he'd ring me the next day. I told him not to if he can't give me a straight answer and he hasn't called. He was also so emotional he said he might not even be here in a week, which Is the most confusing and hurtful thing to say to me as I'm leaving.

 

He said all this however a big issue since moving back home has been that he has started playing computer games more and seeing his friends more and it seemingly becoming like they're priorities all the time. He's told me before that his computer is a way to escape his problems as he's told me he's been feeling depressed for months now. I was even upset that just before all this happened, he spent £2000 on a computer when we didn't have deposit money. So when I asked what he was worried about moving in together he said that we'd been having arguments (about seeming to play on his computer and see his friends all the time before me), that he was worried he wouldn't be able to spend as much time on his computer playing games and that he didn't know whether he might want to move in with his friends instead. These are what I believe to be the real issues. I think the mixed feelings and crying may be because wants both me and to act single and he can't have both and he knows moving in together will limit his time with his friends. However during this whole process I've told him that he can have friends over and I've never forbidden him using his computer, just called him out when it got disrespectful. I think he's terrified his freedom's become threatened now it's all become real and he wants all his freedom back by leaving me.

 

It's only been a day since this happened and I'm torn between wondering if this is just emotionally instability, if he's running away, feeling genuinely concerned for him and feeling in limbo myself. Or I wonder if this is all just because he doesn't want to commit because he thinks he's losing all his freedom? I'm numb at the moment and feel like I don't even know him anymore. I feel absolutely shattered that he's ended it like this. Any kind words would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are both incompatible as well as at different stages. He would rather be living at home free and have his freedom playing computer games and hanging with friends and you would rather be living as a couple paying all the adult expenses yourselves.

 

He is more comfortable at home than you are so there is less urgency on his part to move in together. It's best to go no contact and get some clarity and heal.

He said all this however a big issue since moving back home has been that he has started playing computer games more and seeing his friends more and it seemingly becoming like they're priorities all the time. he said that we'd been having arguments (about seeming to play on his computer and see his friends all the time before me), that he was worried he wouldn't be able to spend as much time on his computer playing games.

[Janb]

Give him space. He needs to decide what he wants. You may be pushing a little too hard for your answers and that makes him feel worse.

[Andrina]

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds like the relationship has run its course for him. I'm sure he cares for you, but it seems like he no longer sees you as a lifetime partner. Most of the time, people do a lot of changing from their late teens to their late twenties. What you want early on may be totally different than what you want after gaining some life experience and the brain matures. Who knows if it's a sudden realization for him, or if it's been brewing for a while but he's been too cowardly to break up. I know it's devastating for you, but there's not much you can do than accept it and take steps to mourn the relationship and then move on. I wouldn't tell him you're giving him time to think it over and all that nonsense. It doesn't matter if there is other stress in his life. An emotionally mature person goes to their partner for support. And past behavior predicts future behavior. If he so easily broke up with you without pulling out all of the stops to try to communicate what wasn't working for him, then he would just as easily break up again if you got back together. With time and distance, you might find in the future that it was for the best. Take care.

[melancholy123]

My first thought was he had cold feet about moving out of his home and in with you. It's a bit of a scary process to do that. Also, his brain is not fully grown and matured, that doesnt happen in males til age 25 so he's got a few years to go. I think you are more mature than him, you know what you want at this stage in your life and he is just not there yet. It's pretty typical for a guy his age to be into computer games and hanging with friends and he probably is scared you will try to limit or stop that even tho you try to reassure him you won't.

 

For now all you can do is let him be. Dont contact him, let him figure out what he wants.