Things going great then silence!

[Blaine Morris]

Hello. I am a 54 year old divorced man with a son in college. I am a professional with my own business.

 

Back in April a friend set me up for a night out with her and a new friend of hers. This woman is amazing. She is 46, single, with two kids and very pretty and very smart. Anyhow we seemed to hit it off pretty well that first night. A couple weeks later I took her out to lunch and had a rose waiting at the table for her. We talked and talked and had a great time.

 

Unfortunately her schedule is crazy. She is new to this area and travels frequently to visit family. This made it very difficult for us to get out on a weekend night. However, we did keep getting together for lunch and had great times all the time.

 

We started texting each other pretty much every day. She told me she loved my sense of humor and thought I was awesome. A feeling I shared for her as well.

 

There were two or three occasions where we were supposed to go out and she would cancel at the last minute. She would be sick or she would need a babysitter. I started to question all these cancellations but she almost always followed up with a suggestion to get together some other time - which we did.

 

It seemed like we were getting closer and closer, and we were. A couple weeks ago we were supposed to go out on a Saturday night. Once again she cancelled at last minute due to babysitter issue. I threw out the idea of her and I and the kids going out, but told her it was entirely up to her since I did not know if she thought it would be too awkward or early for the kids - who are young and one of whom has emotional issues. I had already met the daughter twice but I could sense she was apprehensive about me meeting her son, who has the emotional issue. After first hesitatingly being ok with the idea she thought it might be too soon for her son. I completely understood and respected her decision.

 

Anyhow, she suggested we go out that Monday which we did. We had a GREAT time. We talked for hours and had dinner and when we left to walk to the car, I put my arm around her and she around me and we shared some very nice moments when I dropped her home. (The kids were home so not that kind of "nice")

 

I texted her that I had a great time and she said she did too. She texted me early the next morning and we kidded around all day. I knew she was going out of state to visit family the following weekend so we didn't make plans.

 

Things then got very cold very fast. I texted her a couple days in a row with no reply. After she got back last Tuesday she told me she was tied up and tired from work. (She has a high pressure job). Last Wednesday I decided to send her flowers - no reason. She called me that night but I missed her call. I texted her in the morning and she texted me back thanking me for the beautiful flowers.

 

I texted her Thursday asking her if she was free Saturday night, and if so, did she want to go out for dinner.

 

COLD STONE SILENCE EVER SINCE.

 

I haven't reached out to her, but I am curious as to what's up. I realize its only been a few days but the abrupt stop of communications after our best date for no apparent reason makes no sense.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

Thanks

 

PS This woman does come with some history. She was the victim of some serious domestic violence with the father of her kids.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like she still has a lot of chaos going on. Ask her what's going on with the frequent cancellations. Ask her if she is ready to date. Let her reach out to you, then have a talk in person about what's going on.

Unfortunately her schedule is crazy. She is new to this area and travels frequently to visit family. There were two or three occasions where we were supposed to go out and she would cancel at the last minute. I texted her Thursday asking her if she was free Saturday night, and if so, did she want to go out for dinner.COLD STONE SILENCE EVER SINCE.

[ManyDates]

You have a good game but still may be pouring the coal on a little too strong for a woman with former domestic abuse and a son with issues. Hang back, chill out with the roses and flowers (all she sees from that is "this guy is trying to lock me down" and I am not sure if I am ready"")

 

The position you are in is over persuing and its hard to get back from. Stop attempting to contact her, this is volleyball and its her turn.

 

In the mean time pursue other women

[Blaine Morris]

Thanks for your input. What's interesting is that whenever she does cancel she almost always reschedules.

[Blaine Morris]

Thanks. I have avoided the temptation to reach out to her. I like your volleyball reference which is apt because I'm 6'4" and she's 5'10". Lol

[SoulTaker]

Op, as a parent, why are you getting her kids involved with you? You should know better. Children should be left out of the dating process until things are well established (e.g. relationship). This shows that you're forcing yourself on her, and she knows it.

 

I'm surprised that she allowed you to get away with it. What happens when the daughter tells her father that mommy introduced her to her bf. That's going to go over pretty well. I hope that you've haven't screwed things up completely. If she gets back to you, slow things down and go at her pace. No more flowers until you know for sure that she really wants to be with you. Follow her lead.

[Blaine Morris]

She was the one who introduced the daughter to me and then brought the daughter with her one day when she had to meet me. Also, the kids have no contact with their father.

[SoulTaker]

She was the one who introduced the daughter to me and then brought the daughter with her one day when she had to meet me. Also, the kids have no contact with their father.

 

Interesting. I thought that you had initiated it, based on your statement below....

 

I threw out the idea of her and I and the kids going out, but told her it was entirely up to her since I did not know if she thought it would be too awkward or early for the kids - who are young and one of whom has emotional issues.

 

Don't you find it kind of strange for a parent to do that? When dating, I never had a woman (nor would allow someone) to introduce me to their children, until we were in a relationship, but that's just me. You said that she's intelligent, but that's not an intelligent move.

 

When dealing with a Jekyll/Hyde dater, there's always the thought that there's more going on then they're telling you (dating other people, character issues,...). There's nothing you can do at this point but to wait till she gets back to you. If she does, then you'll need to be on your "Ps & Qs" in order to find out what's going on. There's also the issue of how much time and effort you want to spend in figuring out if she's a good match for you.

[Blaine Morris]

Thank you SoulTaker. I agree that children should not be introduced until the relationship is in a more solid state. I have not reached out to her. My feeling is that I sent her a couple texts in response to her text and then asked her about going out this past Saturday night. To me, its disrespectful to let someone hang like that. If she doesn't want to date me anymore, just say so. I'm a big boy and we were still at a stage in our relationship that I wouldn't be devastated. I would be disappointed though because I sensed we had a great connection and loved each other's company. Part of me thinks I should just shoot her off a quick "how r u?" but I don't know if its too soon to do that. It's only been six days since we last communicated, though since April we never went more than 2 days without communicating. I did not mention this earlier but she is in the early stages of menopause so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything in terms of emotions.

[SoulTaker]

Thank you SoulTaker. I agree that children should not be introduced until the relationship is in a more solid state. I have not reached out to her. My feeling is that I sent her a couple texts in response to her text and then asked her about going out this past Saturday night. To me, its disrespectful to let someone hang like that. If she doesn't want to date me anymore, just say so. I'm a big boy and we were still at a stage in our relationship that I wouldn't be devastated. I would be disappointed though because I sensed we had a great connection and loved each other's company. Part of me thinks I should just shoot her off a quick "how r u?" but I don't know if its too soon to do that. It's only been six days since we last communicated, though since April we never went more than 2 days without communicating. I did not mention this earlier but she is in the early stages of menopause so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything in terms of emotions.

 

I hear you. I wouldn't bother with contacting her again since you've already reached out a couple of times. During your dates with her, did the two of you ever discussed what each of you is trying to get from dating (casual, relationship,...)? With online dating, you can sometimes know in advance who you're dealing with (profile).

 

But with a blind date, there's no way of knowing before hand why that person is dating. One of the first things I try to discreetly find out is what the other person is looking for. She might be a casual dater, just looking for someone to hang out with (no strings attached), while you might be looking for something more serious. But, that wouldn't explain her introducing you to her daughter. Were there any discussions on this topic?

[reinventmyself]

I realize its only been a few days but the abrupt stop of communications after our best date for no apparent reason makes no sense.

 

From what you describe I see anything but abrupt. She was communicating inconsistently and cancelling dates all along.

Her interest seemed to waffle and be lukewarm from the start and yet you didn't adjust your level of pursuit to match her level of interest.

[Blaine Morris]

No, not really. Strangely enough, even though we actually only went out on 6 or 7 dates in four months, we texted nearly every single day and video chatted several times. Our mutual friend told me that this woman had only dated a few guys she met online. She was dating one other guy briefly when she met me but ended it. We didn't get together too often because our schedules - mostly hers - were crazy. She was unavailable most weekends doing things with her kids. The first couple times out we met at the place and then I started to pick her up, which is when I first met her daughter. I know I need to be strong and not contact her, but I have to tell you I was really getting attached to this woman, and I thought she was really getting attached to me. She told our mutual friend I was "awesome". Still befuddled over what happened.

[janut1]

It would of been considerate to at least let you know what is going on instead of her ghosting you. At our age, I would hope that people would be mature enough to end things properly, but its seldom happens.

 

She may reach out to you someday, but at this point I think she is just not into dating you or dating in general. Maybe she is worried about her son and how that interaction would be if you two ever got serious. I know it takes a strong person to be able to handle kids with issues even if you are the parent.

 

On a side note...I work in retail now and I saw a couple who just got married, probably both in their late 50's early 60's. She had a mentally challenged son, he was probably in his late 20's. It was inspiring for me to see how he handled him. It made me tear up a bit because it made me realize that there are people out there who can care for others kids, especially challenged kids. Not that I have one, but I do have a teenager. LOL So if you are that type of person, thats awesome! I do commend you for being willing to work through that with her if you did continue to date.

 

Anyway, at this point, I would leave it be and date other people.

[SoulTaker]

No, not really. Strangely enough, even though we actually only went out on 6 or 7 dates in four months, we texted nearly every single day and video chatted several times. Our mutual friend told me that this woman had only dated a few guys she met online. She was dating one other guy briefly when she met me but ended it. We didn't get together too often because our schedules - mostly hers - were crazy. She was unavailable most weekends doing things with her kids. The first couple times out we met at the place and then I started to pick her up, which is when I first met her daughter. I know I need to be strong and not contact her, but I have to tell you I was really getting attached to this woman, and I thought she was really getting attached to me. She told our mutual friend I was "awesome". Still befuddled over what happened.

 

I didn't see a response from my last update. What is she looking for? Why is she dating? Is she an "event" person? Are the two of you on the same page when it comes to dating? Is she dating anyone else, or are the two of you "exclusive". After 6-7 dates over 4 months, you should have some insight on what's going on?

[Blaine Morris]

Thanks. Good point about the cancellation, except that after nearly every cancelled date she would almost immediately suggest another time to get together and we would. It was weird though.

[Blaine Morris]

Hard to say what she is looking for. What I know is that out mutual f I end told me she had dated a few guys she met on,one, but nothing serious. She went to dinner with one other guy she met after me, but she stopped seeing him fairly quickly. Her weekends are so jammed up with things she does with her kids that I honestly don't know when she would have had the time to be doing much dating. Whenever I asked her out there was little hesitation - you know the kind of "oh wait, and I going out with Steve next Saturday" look. I'm thinking it's quite possible she wanted things to go very slowly - which I did sense - and maybe the best night we had got her a little scared. Who knows. I do hope I hear from her soon because I could have definitely seen this relationship blossoming. But who knows??

[ManyDates]

Sounds to me like she's dating another guy that wasn't so aggressive in locking her down, this is why she has vanished, doesn't want you blowing up when she announces her exit. My advice is learn from this and move onto the next as a wiser person. Its just dating.

[James516]

People have good intentions, but life gets in the way. It's as simple as that. She has too many things/responsibilities going on in her life. The fact that she would suggest another day when cancelling shows that she intended to try... but again, has too much going on. Texting one day means she had spare time to fill that day. It may be a shock to some to hear, but dating is not everyone's top priority.

 

You're 54 years old and should understand by now when someone's actions tell the whole story rather than words. You didn't do anything wrong, this is a person who is not going to have more than what has already happened and you certainly want more than she can offer. Want to drive yourself insane? Stay in attempted contact with her. Want to find someone who has the time and motivation to be a part of your life? Then move on and keep searching.

[Blaine Morris]

Could be, but what was particularly strange was how we kept getting closer and closer - at a nice pace - and its like she just stopped cold turkey. I was pretty sure I was giving her space and trying to go at her pace- which was pretty much the same pace I was at. Also, if she wanted to stop dating me, why not just say that?

[SoulTaker]

Hard to say what she is looking for. What I know is that out mutual f I end told me she had dated a few guys she met on,one, but nothing serious. She went to dinner with one other guy she met after me, but she stopped seeing him fairly quickly. Her weekends are so jammed up with things she does with her kids that I honestly don't know when she would have had the time to be doing much dating. Whenever I asked her out there was little hesitation - you know the kind of "oh wait, and I going out with Steve next Saturday" look. I'm thinking it's quite possible she wanted things to go very slowly - which I did sense - and maybe the best night we had got her a little scared. Who knows. I do hope I hear from her soon because I could have definitely seen this relationship blossoming. But who knows??

 

Well, we now know that she's not "exclusive" with you, so she could be seeing other men (fact). There's no mention of why she is dating (casual, relationship,...)? One of the first things to find out is why they are dating. After 6-7 dates, you should know by now.

 

You are definitely looking for a relationship, and she knows it. This explains why you're trying to figure out what's going on, while she knows exactly what's going on. Be careful on making assumptions "relationship blossoming". From your updates, you don't know what she's up to. If she re-connects, try to find out what she's trying to get out of dating, and where you fit in. After 4 months, you've earned the right to know if there's a future with her.

[SherrySher]

Hang back and let her come to you if she wants to. She knows you asked her out, she knows you sent flowers..now it's up to her.

Don't message, don't pressure. She may need time to get her head around everything.

[Blaine Morris]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm going to sit tight and see what, if anything happens.

[Blaine Morris]

Follow up: I was about to send her a text on the two week "anniversary" of when we last spoke when she called me the night before. Said she had been crazy busy and that she was going to send a text but thought she needed to call directly. We talked. Went well. We are going out again this Saturday night for dinner. Any thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Letting her come to you. Just enjoy the date and remain in observation mode.

I was about to send her a text on the two week "anniversary" of when we last spoke when she called me the night before. We are going out again this Saturday night for dinner.

[SoulTaker]

Follow up: I was about to send her a text on the two week "anniversary" of when we last spoke when she called me the night before. Said she had been crazy busy and that she was going to send a text but thought she needed to call directly. We talked. Went well. We are going out again this Saturday night for dinner. Any thoughts?

 

I would recommend going into the next date with a plan as mentioned in an earlier update (below):

 

I didn't see a response from my last update. What is she looking for? Why is she dating? Is she an "event" person? Are the two of you on the same page when it comes to dating? Is she dating anyone else, or are the two of you "exclusive". After 6-7 dates over 4 months, you should have some insight on what's going on?

 

What are you trying to get out of this, and what is she looking for? Are the two of you compatible with dating? Your time is too valuable for continuing like this, unless you're willing to place her in the "casual" category (dating other women, and dealing with her whenever she pops up).