Opinions? Solutions?

[Ineedhelp0916]

Here's a rundown...

We've been together 9 years. 2 Children. I work 40-50 hours a week. I get up in the morning and get the oldest off to school and by the time I get back in the baby needs fed. I then get myself ready for work. At this time I get my boyfriend up to take care of the baby since he's a stay at home dad. After working all day I come home, cook dinner and feed the baby and work on my oldest homework with her. I then get her in bed and get her stuff ready for school the next day. Since I work 6 days a week this is my routine everyday with exception of weekends. My boyfriend of 9 years does no cooking or cleaning. Does not work. And hasn't work since our oldest was a baby when he decided he wanted to be a stay at home dad. Which is fine I make enough money.

Anyway.. he is mad all the time because after the kids go to bed I need to then start pleasuring his sexual needs. To be honest I am dead tired all the time. Now, when we met and we had no kids there was no problem spur of the moment type things or staying up late. Things are different now and I really don't get turned on by "hey, do you want to do something for ME tonight?"

We have sex a couple times a month and I do other sexual things but that's not ever good enough.

 

I need help! Am I normal? What should I do? Is he normal? He says that every gf gives head all the time and because I used to for him all the time 9 years ago that I make him feel unimportant. Please help me with suggestions or opinions. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds lazy selfish and insensitive, but at some level you are aware of this. Get him to participate more. Is he a stay at home dad or just unemployed? Why doesn't he do more? Cook or clean or help with the kids?

he is mad all the time because after the kids go to bed I need to then start pleasuring his sexual needs. and I really don't get turned on by "hey, do you want to do something for ME tonight?"

[MrBean]

sex in a relationship has many benefits. lack of sex or sexual pleasure to one partner can result in conflicts and stress.

 

having said that, i Agree with Wiseman ^, if he needs sex and you are tired, then you need to discuss that and work it out on how he can contribute more so that you can cater to his sexual needs. its not a one way street.

[thornz]

Honestly, you lost me at stay at home dad. He is a sponger!!! His responsibility is to deal with the children, cook and clean whilst you earn the money. You should occasionally help out of course, it's not fair to expect him to do everything but no wonder you are wiped out. You are the housewife AND provider according to your account of the relationship dynamic. He then has the nerve to nag you for sex?

[ThatwasThen]

Cut out your opening post and tape it to the television set he sits his arse in front of all day long. GAH! Does he ever just return the favor and tell you to lay back cause you're the centre of attention tonight, baby?

 

Now that the emotional response is out of the way: Tell us, what does he do during the day to warrant him being a house husband? Is he cleaning, taking care of baby, running errands? Or, is he just watching that television and doing sweet bugger all?

[j.man]

I do think that if staying at home with the kid(s) is going to be your job, then you're every much as subject to your performance being evaluated as if it were a paying job. Truthfully, if you're coming home and it feels like he's done **** all, then I might flat out ask him what all he's done that day. Could be bumming it up or you could find yourself surprised.

 

Given that you're the one waking him up in the mornings (assuming you don't wake up at some ungodly hour) and that he can't be bothered to do the cooking while you yourself are feeding the baby, my sympathies lean toward you. But I would be interested to know how old the baby is and what all you feel / he says he actually does to take care of the house and kid.

[journeynow]

How about this:

 

I wake up in the morning and jump on the bed (just kidding, I meant cuddle) until my boyfriend wakes up. We get up, have coffee together then get the kids up and we have breakfast together. Then he gets the oldest off to school and while I feed the baby. (Some days we switch.) I then get myself ready for work and he prepares the baby for their day together. After working all day I come home we have a group hug and share our stories of our days while one cook dinner and the other helps the oldest with homework. And we all eat together and the baby gets fed. I help the oldest as SHE gets her school stuff ready for school the next day, and she helps set out breakfast stuff while dear boyfriend cleans up dinner. (Some days we switch.) WE both get the little one's ready for bed an tucked in for the night. Then we sit down together for a moment of quiet and reconnecting, share foot rubs, watch TV and cuddle, and appreciate how we each put so much into this life together. And often this leads to a "good time" before bed. Ah, life together.

[itsallgrand]

Sex is important in a relationship. A few times a month isn't much; I'd be miserable. I think it's reasonable he doesn't want sex to die. He approaches it in the absolute worst possible way, and it's surprising a man that age would be so clueless, but hey.

 

I think it's up to you to be speaking up and doing something rather than just cut off sex. You've stopped communicating and that's the death of any relationship.

 

Personally I don't see why anyone NEEDS to be a stay at home parent. It's a luxury, it's not a need. And it clearly isn't working here - so maybe he should be looking to get himself back into the workforce now. If the eldest is at school and the other a baby, that means a good 5+ plus years of him being out of it right?! Maybe he has gotten dead lazy over the years not having to work. You really need to talk to him about what the expectations are here. If him being at home as a stay at home is ok with you, no, I don't think it's healthy to then become his boss - so unsexy. One of the huge reasons I think stay at home parenting kills sex lives so very often and fast - one spouse is suddenly in a position of power the other with the other a dependent. It's different if he saved all this money to stay home this long and has been contributing but it doesn't sound like that is the case at all.

 

Talk to him. Renegotiate roles. You can't just ignore this and why punish yourself working like a slave that way anyways? Plus the kids will catch on. Kids know unhappy parents - and you both sound unhappy.

[moodindigo91]

He is not a stay at home dad, being a stay at home dad implies doing such things as cooking, cleaning, and caring for your children. From your post, it sounds like he does none of that. I agree with thornz on that, sounds like a sponger.

 

If he does nothing all day, leaving you to be dead tired at night and he wants sex, he should do more to get YOU in the mood. I had the same issue with my man, after a while together he just thought I should be pleasing him whenever he wanted it, and his way of initiating sex with me was "Hey, take your pants off." Literally. Then he'd get mad at me for never initiating sex (as in starting foreplay and turning him on).

 

You need to speak with him and tell him how you feel. He ought to pitch in more, so that at the end of the day you won't be so tired so as to not want sex at all. He should also put more effort into turning you on if he wants sex all the time he'd better put the work in lol

[annie24]

um, yeah, what exactly is he doing all day if he is not cooking, cleaning, helping the kids get ready for school, etc.....??? It seems some things need to be renegotiated in this relationship.

[reinventmyself]

sex in a relationship has many benefits. lack of sex or sexual pleasure to one partner can result in conflicts and stress.

 

having said that, i Agree with Wiseman ^, if he needs sex and you are tired, then you need to discuss that and work it out on how he can contribute more so that you can cater to his sexual needs. its not a one way street.

OR. . sex, or the lack there of is a barometer of the health of the relationship.

No doubt we can get into a debate about what came first - 'the chicken or the egg'

 

And I don't like the idea of `catering to someone's sexual needs'

Last I checked it should be mutually desired.

[jujusamples]

Honestly, I feel exhausted for you after reading your post! If he's a stay at home Dad then, he should be doing the cooking and cleaning also. It's only fair. How could you keep up with a high demand job and than go home do do house work and than take care of your kids? What is he doing? Really?

 

I know a stay at home dad and he does everything! Even drive and pick up his wife to and from work. He takes his kids out to play and fed them and do house work. It's a full time job for him. Even when we are out to together with him and his wife, he's the one that changes the diapers, feed his kids, bath them and put them to sleep. It's only fair because his wife is like you, works long hours. She's okay with it because her husband puts in his fair share of the work or even more because when she's off work, she's off. He's still constantly taking care of the kids no matter what time or how long it is. I'm just giving you this story to let you re-evaluate what a stay at home dad does? It's the same if it's a stay at home mom. Shouldn't be different because of gender. Just saying!

[reinventmyself]

Isn't the definition of a Dad someone who is in the active role of being parent and handling parental responsibilities?

 

Isn't the definition of someone who `Stays at home' inferring that they take care of the home?

 

From what you describe he is not much of a dad and even less of someone who takes care of the home, so I don't think he's earned the title of "Stay at home Dad"

 

As far as an equal partner who demands that his sexual needs be fulfilled, how well are your needs and the needs of your children being met?

[melancholy123]

I was a "stay at home mom" for years and I took care of the kids and the house and did the cleaning and the laundry and cooked the meals, made the beds, vacuumed the rugs, blah blah blah. That's what a parent at home does. I only watched tv as I ate lunch, it was not on otherwise. I played with the kids and took them on walks, volunteered at the school tho not on a regular schedule. I felt I did my part. As my husband was self employed and out there making a buck, my job was to tend to things and people within our four walls. This slug in question sounds like a real slug who does as little as he can and demands sex in return for being a slug.

 

Lady, you need to talk to this clueless individual and tell him the party is over, he is to do the housework and tend to the kids and cook the dinner, wash the clothes etc. Then see how tired he is at the end of the day if he really does get off his butt and take care of things around the home. Guys like him p*ss me off to no end.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he needs to get a job whether you "make enough money" or not. That way at least you could afford to get some decent help like a housekeeper and nanny who at least do their jobs. And don't ask for bjs after lounging around and sponging all day.

My boyfriend of 9 years does no cooking or cleaning. Does not work. And hasn't work since our oldest was a baby when he decided he wanted to be a stay at home dad.

[reinventmyself]

I too was a stay at home mom and handled the majority of the parenting and household responsibilities. My H at the time stepped in here in there and often times relieved me. All in all it was equitable, discussed openly and fair. He often acknowledged that my job was the more difficult of the two.

[shellyf62]

I was a stay at home Mum with my youngest child. We had just built our first home, so there was a lot to do.

My Ex didnt do anything, because I enjoyed my roll, even down to mowing the lawns & looking after the gardens.

Weekends were spent doing family things.

 

You are getting the short end of the stick here. How dare he lie around the house all day waiting for you to come home, cook him dinner & "service him".

Why have you let things get to this point? Why havent you spoken up earlier?

 

In all honesty if he wont do his job of house husband I would throw him out & hire a cleaner & a babysitter. Your life will be so much calmer & happier!