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I don't know if my boyfriend is emotionally abusive or what


JustAGirlME

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I feel like I might only be sensitive and he might not really be that bad, but I can't help but fear that this relationship will evolve into something even worse...

 

When I try to talk about serious stuff to him (like my anxiety, why it's there, what I'm feeling) he keeps telling me to shut up, at first it was playfully (tho he would never stop and let me have this conversation), but lately whenever I speak when he doesn't want me to, he'll tell me to shut up harshly, and when I don't when he wants me to, he'll be mad and ask me why I'm not talking.

He likes to play around a lot and playfully annoy me by like picking me up upside down and tickling me, but when I tell him to stop on a serious tone, he won't, no matter how much I try to make a point of it.

When I didn't want to have sex with him, he respected that and let me be, but was still mad about it, it made me feel bad.

If I don't feel like talking on the phone for hours because I need my personal space (that's just how I am) or because I'm feeling bad, or even because I'm tired and want to go to bed(!), he'll be mad at me. (but of course he can hang up whenever he wants, for whatever reason, typically because he's just bored.)

If I say no to something (anything) he'll keep insisting relentlessly until I either end up saying 'yes' (which I do, way to much) or until he gets tired of asking me (which takes a while) and then gives me the cold shoulder. *He's also not very happy if I'm busy with friends or whatever and can't talk.

*I should also mention that he calls me everyday to talk to me all evening up until late, even if we don't have anything to say, he still wants me to stay on the line, and gets mad if I don't want to.

Our first real fight was because he wanted me to get my driver's lisence because if I'm going to be with him we're going to live in a house not in the city and I don't want to pass my drivers lisence and I always wanted to stay in an apartment in the city (tho I am not fully opposed to live in a house near the city, like he wants), but he won't hear any of what I have to say, it's only his vision of the future and I don't get even one little say in it, and to be honest that's not just the future. He decides everything and I can either go with it, or get the cold shoulder.

 

*sidenote he also wants me to work (I'm studying) so I can make money to pay him things. He also doesn't understand why I'm not constantly spending all my money like him and hates me for saving up even 50$.

 

I don't know what to say/do and when to say/do it so he won't be mad, even if I really try to say/do the right thing at the right moment, I somehow keep failing.

 

But with all that said: he does compliment me all the time, he really seems to love me and I'm really in love with him. He wants to see me all the time! If I look like I'm not feeling well (not on the phone) because of my anxiety (that's always why I don't feel well) he asks me if I'm okay, and really seems to care about me. We are a perfect match for each-other on every level, and I have never loved like I love him, so I really don't want to let him go. But with this constant guessing game of what should I do to avoid him getting mad, it's making me feel pretty bad.

 

I don't know how I should face this issue... What should I do? I'm kind of scared to talk to him about it because he'll probably tell me to shut up again and be mad or say "what, are you breaking up with me now?" like he said the last time we had a fight. I don't know if I'm really blind and this has no hope of getting better, if I'm just really sensitive and need to suck it up, or if there's something to do, and if so, what?

 

Help.

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I know how hard it is to look at our situations with clarity when we're in love, so I'm going to give you a fresh perspective, and I'm going to be completely honest.

 

He's showing major warning signs. All the same kind of red flags that I completely overlooked when I was in an abusive relationship. Not only does your man seem like he can go from being playful to hostile in a matter of seconds, but he's already trying to control you. What concerns me most is when you say that he compliments you, and that he wants to see you all the time. While those could be good things in a healthy relationship, I don't think that his motives are what you think. It seems to me that he thinks that he can keep you around by being kind to you and throwing you a compliment from time to time, but still treating you poorly the rest of the time. That's exactly how my ex was. At first he would make me feel like the most special girl in the world, and then he would break me down emotionally and make me feel like I was somehow lucky to have him because no one else would want me. But it took quite some time for it to progress to that level. Then there's the issue with him wanting to see you all the time. He doesn't want you spending time with other people, that's why he always wants to be with you. My ex boyfriend wouldn't even let me go to my church anymore when we were together, because he didn't want me interacting with other people. He told me "you won't have time for your friends now that we're together". He didn't even want me around my family towards the end of our relationship.

 

I could go on, but I think you and I both know deep down that what you described is not a healthy relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have the power to stop it. I spent 8 months trying to break up with my ex, but he would constantly manipulate me into staying with him. I know you love this man, and he may even love you back, but if you allow him to control your life and to treat you poorly, he's going to get worse and worse over time. My advice is to try to have a healthy conversation about this. Give him one chance, and if he doesn't have the decency to grant you that one request, dump him. Before he talks you into staying. My heart seriously breaks for you because I understand what you're going through, but I don't want you to get as caught up in a bad relationship as I did. Learn from my mistakes, and find someone who goes out of their way to make you happy, not someone who makes you step out of your comfort zone in order to stay with them. Good luck!

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First off, I'm going to be brutally honest. You two are NOT in any way a perfect match. From your post, you are not compatible and do not share the same values. Your boyfriend sounds controlling and not caring. He doesn't care or even care to get to know what your wants and needs are. He just cares about what he wants.

 

Since you are really adamant on not breaking up, I will give you the advice to take some time apart. As in space. Go for a few weeks and see how you feel when he's not around. You might be surprised on your feelings when you take some time away from him. When I mean space, I mean a few weeks, no contact. Give you time to re-evaluate and and think things through. I think you are just too clouded by this relationship to realize that it is unhealthy. Time will be your best friend.

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It was the hardest thing to do, but after a long argument of me forcing him to talk about it, and him getting angrier and angrier because I didn't let it go, even with all of his attempts at changing the subject, he finished by treathnening me of killing himself if I left him... and I blocked him... And now I feel really bad and I'm scared... But I think it was the best thing I could do.

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Have you read up on red flags of a controlling relationship? Google "warning signs of abusive relationships". Do your homework, save your heart and your life. There are plenty of decent guys out there, not just possessive manipulative ones.

Ihe finished by treathnening me of killing himself if I left him... and I blocked him... And now I feel really bad and I'm scared.
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I suspect you know this is wrong.

This is how it begins. You start questioning yourself as to whether you are too insecure or sensitive. You start telling people your story to gage their reaction because you don't trust your own.

You do this because you've slowly conditioned yourself to overlook his bad behavior because after all, leaving a relationship is rarely easy.

- I just read your recent update about his threat. Please tell your family or close friends what is going on.

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It was the hardest thing to do, but after a long argument of me forcing him to talk about it, and him getting angrier and angrier because I didn't let it go, even with all of his attempts at changing the subject, he finished by treathnening me of killing himself if I left him... and I blocked him... And now I feel really bad and I'm scared... But I think it was the best thing I could do.

 

Years and years ago, I had a very bad feeling about a new relationship and ended it, whereupon the guy threatened to kill himself. I told him that if his life without me would be that bad, I respected his decision.

 

Sure, I felt bad. I went around for a few days feeling my head was going to explode - all the more so since my father had committed suicide eight years previously.

 

But that was 100,000 times better than allowing myself to be blackmailed into a relationship which was starting to become abusive.

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Years and years ago, I had a very bad feeling about a new relationship and ended it, whereupon the guy threatened to kill himself. I told him that if his life without me would be that bad, I respected his decision.

 

Sure, I felt bad. I went around for a few days feeling my head was going to explode - all the more so since my father had committed suicide eight years previously.

 

But that was 100,000 times better than allowing myself to be blackmailed into a relationship which was starting to become abusive.

 

Oh . . I flinched when you mentioned your father.

You are very brave. . that's all.

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