Feel like he doesn't want sex with me

[sadgirl23]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. We don't live together and I have my kids with me part time so we see each other whenever we can. I'd like to know from people here if they think this is 'normal':

 

We are at the stage where it is given that we stay the night at each other's houses when I don't have my kids staying. He asks me to stay the night and vice versa. When we get into bed he sleeps in just boxers and I usually wear just underwear.

Quite often -and now lately about 90% of the time -he will give me a peck kiss on the lips or cheek and just go to sleep. He'll usually spoon me and hug me and that's it.

I lie next to him staring at the ceiling or feeling absolutely tortured inside lately wondering what to do. Lately we only have sex about once a week.

Take this weekend for example, I had Fri, Sat and Sun nights child free and only had sex on the Friday because he decided to schedule it in.

I have told him how I feel about this at least 3 times over the year we've been together. At first he used to say to me it feels intimate to him to just lie very closely together. To just be patient and let it happen naturally. Despite feeling brushed off I decided to give it a try. He's still go to sleep.

I do initiate, too. I would be happy with even just a good make out session, some passionate kissing. I've told him this. That I feel like a creep trying to kiss him and I will get on top of him practically naked -most of my past boyfriends would have killed for that. He just seems annoyed and goes to sleep! Some times he turns out the light and we can't even see each other -I feel like he doesn't want to even see me naked. And I know there is nothing wrong with my body. I've never had this happen before -usually it's me who is wanting to sleep or has a headache. I feel so rejected.

And then when he does decide he wants sex I never turn him down because who knows when it may happen again. It is usually good. However lately we don't even really kiss and I need that. When we have sex lately I find it hard to feel turned on because I'm so afraid of feeling this way again. It's a negative cycle. I can tell it makes things worse and awkward whenever I bring up needing more passion or kissing or to make time for sex. It seems to put pressure and then things don't unfold naturally.

But I am at the point where I can't sleep at night, I don't want to throw away a whole year but also can't take another year of this. I don't know how to tell him this in a way that won't push him away further.

My thoughts are why can't we just steal a quick 5 minutes together. He thinks I am asking him to see me every day or for all his time. I just want the time we have to be good, to leave us walking away deliriously happy and excited about the next time. Not tired sad and rejected. Like an old couple. He'd rather talk til he falls asleep.

We are in our mid thirties by the way.

He also works in a job where he sometimes has to get up at 5am or work 10 to 12 hour days but then may also get up to a week off.

He says he is supportive of my work and kids so why can't I be supportive of him and just be cool with him needing sleep. He has expressed he feels I am being selfish and ungrateful -that he sees me every moment he has free even if he is exhausted he pushes through it to be there and he thinks I am saying that is not enough.

I think he is being defensive.

I have even had the thought cross my mind to find someone to see on the side. I don't think he would even notice. But I would rather break up than cheat on him.

He is there for me and very supportive as I said, but there is no passion.

Many nights are spent staring at the TV or sharing dinner together then he wants to sleep.

Ironically he sent me an article from the paper about how experts say people who sleep naked sleep better. My first thought was that he sent it to me by accident. As I usually sleep naked with him and nothing happens and then I have a terrible sleep! I have even started getting up and sleeping on the couch as I can't stand listening to him sleeping without a care while I lie in turmoil.

Please someone help me find a way to fix this I don't want to throw a year away without having tried everything I can first.

[pippy longstocking]

Can it be fixed or is this just him in the cold light of day . An all to familiar story is one of the honeymoon period wearing off and complacency setting in , or true colours coming out , for example , exactly this ... settled , too settled and now doesn't feel the need.

At the same time I wonder if you could suggest , instead of him holding his eyes open with sticks so he can see you , to just be honest and say he is too tired , maybe the time you then spend together is of more quality and he is refreshed and ready for a bit of action .

That's all I got , I am stoned and horny and telling this forum far too much this evening .

[pippy longstocking]

ps ...I have been right where you are ...he worked away all week , I thought he would come home and pin me up against the wall and savage me like a caveman after a week away ..oh no ..he went to clean the fish pond out .

[melancholy123]

This sounds like it may well be a deal breaker for you, how do you feel about that? Maybe you two are just sexually incompatible and nothing is likely to change in that regard. Can you live like that for years on end? You have a difficult decision to make.

[Matt3939]

If you cheat then it might be totally over. But you said that was just a thought so we will go past that. It's is possible that the honeymoon phase is over. Does he feel comfortable during sex? Maybe this has come up to many times and he doesn't want to be bothered? With another fight? What if you talk to him about what you want to do later? Thru the day. That might get him ready to go. Do you show him that you enjoy it? Does sex last 2 long with him? I had a 8 year relationship with a depressed person took a long time to get her off due to medication. So know i can goforever. Was fine with her but after her has caused termoil. Not saying this is the problem but if he feels like it's not pleasurable for you he might be shutting down. I know she wouldn't have sex cause oh it's gonna take to long, sometimes not everytime. Who cares! I rather have sex who cares what happens then try again it sex stuff is frustrating sometimes good luck.

[shellyf62]

That's all I got , I am stoned and horny and telling this forum far too much this evening .

 

Needed a good laugh today!!!

[sadgirl23]

The sex is fine.

But I guess what I mean is it is always on his terms. So if I want more, tough -it doesn't happen.

I am sometimes not left 'satisfied' after he finishes..

I feel like I want it more than him.

He tells me he is happy the way it is. He doesn't see anything wrong even when I spell it out I need more.

I wish he would want to just rip my clothes off or something.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you guys are at least in your 30s if not 40s. He does what he likes and isn't interested in changing. I would suggest you decide if you can live with that.

[Matt3939]

If u guys text maybe send him some sexual ones thru the day. Not pics that could backfire. If you guys breakup. But something to get him going and something to look fwd to when he gets home. Everyone at 1 point or another is left high and dry lol. What about if he pleases you in other ways before or after he gets off? You might have better luck before if he's 1 to fall asleep afterwards. What happens if you just start doing other playful things does it eventally lead to sex? Was there ever a time that this was all fine maybe work changed or family issues stress caused this and it's not long term?