Can't get past this

[Somegirl613]

I've posted a few times with my story and I just need to vent some feelings and get some things out. My ex and I split up in January, after 5 years of being emotionally abused and neglected in my relationship. I took our son and moved back to my home state to get away from him. We share custody of our son, he's with his dad for two weeks and with me for two weeks. Towards the end, we'd been slowly talking about reconciliation, talking about talking to councelors, maybe spending some time together and see if we have anything left. I'd even started looking at jobs back where he lives, I thought maybe I could move there on my own and we could date and see if there was anything worth salvaging. Well, one of the last times I saw him was on July 2nd, we spent the day in the town where we meet halfway to let our son go to the other parent's house. We talked about everything, spent the day as a family, had some cuddles. It felt great and I thought we both left that day thinking that things might work out somehow. Over the next few weeks he grew more and more distant, pretty much refusing to talk to me unless it was about our son. I asked him why the change, and he said things were never going to work out, so it's best if we just move on. I was hurt, I felt like the breakup happened all over again, but I accepted it. The next time I saw him when I went to get my son, my son couldn't stop talking about "Tiffany" and her sons. After asking my ex about it, he confirmed that they'd started dating pretty much the day after we'd spent at the park. After not even 6 weeks they're living together. I feel devastated. My son is confused and I know this when he asked my mom the other day if "Is she still my mom, or is Tiffany?" (he's three years old). I can't sleep or eat, I feel tremendous anxiety thinking about another woman in the house that we shared, in our bed, and the biggest thing that's eating me alive is knowing that there's another woman in my son's life. I'm also very close with both of his daughters from a previous marriage, even though we were never married, they still and always will consider me their stepmom. It's killing his oldest daughter, I've spent a lot of time talking to her just letting her cry. She basically feels like she doesn't matter to her dad anymore and all he cares about is this new woman and her kids. And last night was the hardest, the younger daughter facetimed me with my son, he was hysterically crying because he misses me and wants to come home. Seeing him cry like that and knowing I couldn't comfort him broke my heart. I have since seen an attorney and have started the process of getting primary physical custody. I knew we'd have to go to court eventually because our son will be starting preschool soon, and the two weeks/two weeks isn't going to work forever. My ex has no idea I've filed and I know s*** will hit the fan as soon as he's served the papers. I'm going to hear that I'm only doing this out of spite or jealousy, but that's not true...I"m heartsick about this and just want to know if anyone has any advice for moving on. I've tried dating a few times, but I don't want to date someone just trying to get over someone else. I'm also extremely picky about who is around my son and I thought my ex was that way too, but clearly he's not. I've considered talking to a counselor about how I'm feeling. Any thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening, but you did the right thing to start getting a more specific custody arrangement in order. So what if he reacts? His lawyer can talk to yours.

 

Also as unnerving as his new home environment is, focus solely on the school logistics. Facts work much better in these instances than emotions.

I have since seen an attorney and have started the process of getting primary physical custody. I knew we'd have to go to court eventually because our son will be starting preschool soon, and the two weeks/two weeks isn't going to work forever.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry, that this is happening,

 

Please don't date for at least a year. You have a lot of feelings to process, plus it is not fair to the man you would be dating (rebound).

 

I think it is best to focus on your child and the divorce proceeding. This will take up all of your time and energy.

 

Good luck.

[Somegirl613]

Thank you both. I feel like I was heading to a good place, and I'm sure a lot of it is jealousy on my part. How can someone move that fast, it just baffles me. I'm trying to just stay focused on what I want, which is custody of my son. I'm still fighting with the part of my brain that's too nice and I honestly hate the fact that I'm going to pull my son out of his dad's life, I hate it for both of them. However, I've always been his primary caretaker, my ex was too busy at work or drinking to do much as a dad when we were together. He has changed for the better in a lot of ways, he's been sober since I left and has tried to focus more on his kids and not so much on work. I just know that my son will be better off with me, his living situation is terrible right now. It's basically like 8 people living in a small three bedroom house. He's being shuffled around between his dad's house and his girlfriend's house who watches him during the day, and there's nothing I can do about his lack of stability. It's killing me. I keep myself up at night thinking of the worst case scenario, which would be I lose to him and my son will live with his dad full time. If that happens, I honestly don't know what I'll do, I feel like he's all I have left.

[Hollyj]

I don't think that your ex is capable of being alone. Not good. It was also extremely poor judgment, moving this woman and her kids into the home, after such a short period. I really feel for the kids, as they must be so confused.

 

Your strength is what is needed , now. I believe you also need to address why you were in such an unhealthy relationship. Have you received counseling for the abuse?

[Wiseman2]

Given the father's history of drinking and cohabiting you will get custody.

I've always been his primary caretaker, my ex was too busy at work or drinking to do much as a dad when we were together. He's being shuffled around between his dad's house and his girlfriend's house who watches him during the day, and there's nothing I can do about his lack of stability.

[Somegirl613]

Hollyj, I have received some counseling, but not necessarily for my relationship or the abuse...since I've been 11 years old, I've lost a great deal of people in my life, all of them being men and none being older than 60. I lost my mom's dad at 11. I lost my dad and his dad in the same car accident when I was 14. I lost one uncle when I was 19 and another one at 21. I lost a boyfriend at 24. I lost my little brother at 27. I lost a close male cousin at 30...I have a lot of issues with being scared of death and thinking that the people in my life are going to die at anytime. All of these deaths were unexpected, no long cancer battles or anything like that...pretty much alive one day, and not the next. My biggest issue that this caused with my ex was when he would go on a drinking binge and not come home or answer his phone. I pictured the worst every time, him dead in a ditch somewhere, having to call his mom and tell her that he'd died. That's what we fought about the most, is him not even respecting me enough to call and let me know he's fine, but wants to be left alone. I would go through tremendous relief that he was ok, then complete anger and disgust that he couldn't even text me. He blames our breakup on this and my anxiety and I did get counseling for it. I feel better sometimes, but I still struggle with it. The abuse really didn't start until we moved to his home state, when we lived here, my home state, things were not always great, but ok. After we moved, it was like he shut me out from everyone in the world except him and his family. We lived 8 miles out of town, he wouldn't let me work, I had no friends, and was alone a lot of the time with our son and his girls. He broke me down mentally over the years to a point where I felt brainwashed. I do think counseling would be good for me, not just for the break up but for a lot of my issues. I went before, but I should have kept at it. Just being able to talk about it helps.

[Hollyj]

Wow! I am sorry for all of the loss in your life. That's terrible.

 

You have two things going on with this guy: alcoholism and emotional abuse. terrible environment for you and your child.

 

I am happy to hear that you have filled. The man does not not sound capable of raising a child, even on a part-time basis.

 

Please do address your losses, as well as your relationship with your ex. It would be terrible for you to choose another guy like this. You need to understand what attracted you to him, and what red flags you should be keying into.

[Somegirl613]

Thank you Holly. It does good just to get it out there and get my emotions out. I know there were red flags, and all I can do is hope for something better in the future. For now though, I'm only going to focus on my son and getting custody of him and my emotional well being.

[thejigsup]

Courts don't really care if Dad has a girlfriend, they ignore that stuff. I worked in Family Law for several years and while men can date or move in with anyone they want, women have to be very careful when dating again. Not right, but it won't change in the near future. Small houses don't phase them, either. What about the poor single mom living in a one bedroom with two kids and a deadbeat dad for an ex spouse? Is she supposed to lose her kids if he suddenly gets a bigger house? It doesn't work that way. Custody is never decided on square footage...ever. The school schedule is what will work. If it interferes with his schooling, custody could change. But be very, very, careful with this. He could get full custody because the child would be in a two parent home instead of with a single mom. Talk with your attorney before you make a move here.

[Somegirl613]

Thank you for your insight. My living situation isn't ideal right now, I'm living with my mother. I was all set to get my own place when all this happened and I thought I'd be better to spend the money on an attorney. I can't imagine him being granted custody with his drinking history and not being around, I raised my son! I was a stay at home mom up until I left. How has it come to this, that I'm the one that has to fight to prove that I deserve custody?! It just kills me to think there's a chance I could lose.

[boltnrun]

There would have to be some pretty strong proof that you are unfit as a mother for you to lose custody.

 

If you and your mother are providing a safe, clean and loving environment for your son, chances are you will never lose custody. You may have to agree to weekends with the dad, but that's pretty standard.

 

When I divorced, I was living in a studio apartment with my kids. My ex husband had a two bedroom apartment. And I got joint physical and full legal custody, with the kids going with their dad every weekend (the percentage was something like 77%/23%). I had a smaller home, but that made no difference. I also made very little money, but as long as their dad provided for their basic needs we were fine.

 

I agree that hiring an attorney is the best idea. I hope things work out for you and your child.

[Somegirl613]

I've never done anything to be deemed unfit as a mother. I've never been a heavy drinker, never touched drugs, am responsible with money, and have a stable home life. This situation is complicated by the fact that we live 7 hours apart, in two different states. We can't do every weekend or even every other weekend. I'm trying to get primary physical custody, I want my son here during the school year, and to see his dad for 6 weeks out of the summer, and spring break, and alternating holidays and birthdays. My lawyer said that's what will happen, with one parent or another, given our distance. I just want it over with and I want papers filed here before he can do it there. I don't want to have to go to court where he lives, I feel like my chances will be smaller.

[boltnrun]

Then be sure to file ASAP. Just in case he also has an attorney.

 

My guess is you will get the custody you are asking for, maybe with a few small adjustments. And I presume you are also asking for child support based on the amount of time you have your child.

 

Remember, the judge will do what he/she feels is best for the child. Shuffling back and forth between states, going to two different preschools, is going to be very disruptive. So I'm guessing that will not happen.

[Somegirl613]

Thank you. I have filed and retained her, I'm just in the waiting game for her to get it drawn up. She's going to have them served once my son is back with me, a week from today. I just hope he doesn't get it done first.