Long term relationship but started from an affair, now what?

[mayrae]

Hi,

 

I expect that there will be some judgement thrown my way here, but I'm on a forum because I don't actually feel like there is anyone I can speak to who is impartial, given the nature of the situation.

 

My partner and I met and started a relationship while we were both in unhappy marriages. We were friends and fell in love over the course a year or so prior. In November of last year, we both left our marriages - and we both have children. He with a (then) 3 & 5 year old, me with an 11 year old.

 

There is lot I could go into here about some of the issues this has caused, but things have really settled down in the last 2 months. He has met my daughter, and spends a substantial amount of time at my home when he is not with his daughters or family.

 

However, I have not met his children. I understand that they are young, and need time to adjust. But what are others thoughts on how long this would reasonably expected to be? Or is that a 'how long is a piece of string' type question. I have also met none of his friends, or family. We met through work, so have a couple of mutual work friends who are aware of the situation, but it's still so secretive in a lot of ways because of the taboo around it being borne of an affair. Will it ever be normal, or how do we make it so?

 

Am I unreasonable to find this difficult? I struggle that i have opened my life up to him, but feel like he is still too ashamed to introduce me to his other world. He spends a lot of time at his parents. Even when he has his children with him, they are all there half the time, rather than at his house & I feel like that is not conducive to them getting used to the situation of separate houses - but really, it's not my business. I know his parents have a very negative opinion of me before they even meet me.

 

I'm not even sure what I'm asking advice on here. Maybe just some perspective about timing, I guess I'm just impatient for the 'future' and not to be on the outer. Maybe I have control issues.

 

Shrug.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

may.

[SherrySher]

This is always going to be a difficult situation being as how it was an affair. The relationship is based on cheating and not many will forget that fact.

The family, especially the children, will learn this fact one day and might very well resent you for it.

You have to be realistic..you are not the lovely lady that met him after his sad divorce..you are the "other woman" and speculations will run wild as to you possibly even being the cause of the divorce.

I've not seen too many relationships go smoothly or very well at all starting off as an affair. Be ready to run into many problems.

[Wiseman2]

Has he invited you to his home?

we both left our marriages. I have also met none of his friends, or family.I struggle that i have opened my life up to him, but feel like he is still too ashamed to introduce me to his other world. He spends a lot of time at his parents.

[Gary Snyder]

Wait 6 months after divorce to meet the family/kids. So your timing on asking the question is perfect. Anytime now.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you're still his side chick.

[Jibralta]

I think you're still his side chick.

 

I agree. It seems like he's hiding you.

[Moontiger]

Probably his friends and family have no interest in meeting the mistress (you). Eve. If they don't know you two had an affair it wouldn't take batman to figure that out of you are introduced in less then six months.

[Jibralta]

mayrae, How do your friends and family feel about the affair situation?

[ThatwasThen]

Frankly, and I know its not what you'd want to hear but I think You have introduced this man to your daughter far too soon. This meeting of family, friends and children should have been a mutually agreed to time wherein you would meet his kids and he would meet yours around the same time (within weeks of one another).

 

He is doing the right thing by keeping this on the down low for at least a year and once the two of you have had a chance to date without the 'thrill' of your clandestine meetings, have processed the break up of your marriages and are actually SURE that you're going into this for the long haul, then and only then should your children be brought into the mix.

 

You jumped the gun and now he has no motivation to advance this 'thing' the two of you have going on.

[mayrae]

thanks everyone for your input. I have been to his home, I don't feel at all like a side chick. His family is very traditional, italian catholic and i think he still feels a lot of guilt about this as well. I do too, but I'm more of the opinion to look to the future rather than dwell on what has unfolded.

We did agree that we would meet the children within weeks of each other, but he delayed asking his ex (he seems afraid of her reactions), and she said no. That was about 5 weeks ago.

[mayrae]

Jibralta - only my sister and close friends know and are happy for me, as they want to see me happy. My parents are not very present in my world.

[ThatwasThen]

We did agree that we would meet the children within weeks of each other, but he delayed asking his ex (he seems afraid of her reactions), and she said no. That was about 5 weeks ago.

You've not been dating long enough outside of the perpetual new relationship energy of stolen moments together. I'd not want you to meet my children at this point either. Like I said, you've not dated long enough with the stress of everyday life getting in the way of your relationship to ascertain if this is going to last. Best to have waited then to disrupt your children's lives yet again if this does last past the honeymoon stage.

[mayrae]

Thank you, something to think about then.