I'm in love with him but he loves a woman in China

[SweetiePie05]

I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now and I met him last year, we were friends and then we started hanging out every day.

 

More recently I found out that he has had a girlfriend for the past two months. She lives in another state, he's never met her. So things between me and him have been not so good. He used to kiss me, now he doesn't anymore because he now wants to "respect his relationship" but we still hang out every day and I'll spend the night at his place (we've never had sex together, we literally just nextflix and chill). He says he's been so hurt in the past from physical relationships that he would rather be in this digital relationship so he won't get hurt again. He says he likes me so much more than her, and he doesn't love her, blah blah.

 

Fast forward to a couple days ago, after a weekend of hanging out with each other and his family going bowling, and to the beach, I got frustrated and had a friend message the girlfriend on facebook. The girlfriend told my friend she was single but she was talking to someone and that it wasn't serious. So....I eventually showed him a screen shot of that. Of course he gets upset, we haven't talked for a few days.

 

But it gets better!

 

He's so upset about what I did and what she said so now I find out (don't ask how I found out lol) he's in love with some chick who lives in China. He's never met her before but he is willing to move to China to be with her next year (apparently they talk through some app). He said the way I feel about him is how he feels about her. And that if it doesn't work out with her he will be devastated.

 

I can see the Catfish episode now...

 

I went to his house (because he always shows up at my house when I'm mad at him) but he wouldn't answer the door for me (but he's "falling in love with me"). I am pretty much done with him, but at the end of the day I fell in love with him, my feelings are hurt and I needed to vent. I feel like I shouldn't have messed with the girlfriend and we would still be in a confusing situationship entangled in one another, but at the end of the day who wants to compete with a woman in China and a girl nine hours away.

 

What would you do if you were me?

[lostlove76]

You should drop him ASAP. I know it's easier said than done when you have feelings. But goodness, what a mess of a guy! He sounds really lame - he had a perfectly good girl here in person, yet he has two internet girlfriends who he's never met. If you two were a couple, I would call it emotional cheating for sure. But he won't even let it get that far with you, so basically you two are just hanging out. Honestly, he sounds like a loser. I think he's avoiding real intimacy with you or anyone else by latching on to these other two girls. I'm sure that some of these situations can work out once someone finally meets, but with him it sounds like all fantasy. He's living in fantasy-land, while you're getting hurt because you're attached. I don't see anything good coming from this, so I hope you'll drop him before you get more deeply involved. It's only been 4 months; imagine how much harder it's going to be, and how much worse it will feel, if you wait another 6 months or a year. Best to do it now. I'm sorry.

 

And honestly, others may disagree, but I don't think you did anything wrong by contacting the other girl. He's confusing you and sending mixed signals, and you needed to know where you stand. There were enough red flags to have already dropped him, but not everyone is strong enough to do that. Just let it all go now and try to find someone more available.

[Almira23]

I would tell him to never speak to me again and block his phone number and block him from all social media. What is there to discuss? He has been literally stringing you along this entire time while he has been dating another girl. Now, that him and the girl are over, he's in love with someone in China. You are literally not even second place in his life. You hold no importance in terms of who he wants to date. If he was "falling in love with you", you two would have been together a long time ago.

You showing up his house, and having your friend message his girlfriends is not very healthy. You are obsessing over someone who you are not even in a relationship with.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he hides in these fantasy relationships to avoid having real ones. This is why he friendzoned you.

 

The screenshot thing was over the top and may have broken the friendship trust, but it was never going to be a relationship. You may want to distance yourself from his fantasies/drama.

I feel like I shouldn't have messed with the girlfriend and we would still be in a confusing situationship entangled in one another, but at the end of the day who wants to compete with a woman in China and a girl nine hours away.

[Tanzi]

Oh this is just ridiculous on SO MANY LEVELS, I don't even know where to begin.

 

What would I do if I were you? I would have walked the moment I found out there was another chick in the picture. Besides, my attraction towards him would have spiralled downwards the moment I heard he was "in love" with a woman he hadn't even met and prepared to move countries for her. That kind of stuff is mentally unbalanced in my eyes.

[melancholy123]

What Blue68 said! Drop this guy.

[LadyRayne]

I would go no contact honestly he has issues and keeping in contact with him will drag you into years of heartache. I can't help thinking the woman in China doesn't exist or might just consider him a chat friend. Moving to China just doesn't happen easily unless you can get employment there or have plenty of money to spend. People who are in LDRs often have no idea how difficult immigration really is especially in this day and age.

 

And I don't know if you've ever tried using an app to translate... They don't work that well some are better than others but you can't have a very deep or meaningful conversation with them.. I know some people who do use them in LDRs but really sometimes it's like trying to discuss a complicated theory using a traveller's phrase book.

 

So it kind of sounds like he's living is some fantasy world and hanging around waiting for his to snap out of it in my opinion would be wasting your time

[catfeeder]

All relationships are voluntary, so what are you doing?

 

You've dated the guy for 4 months, and you never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

 

It's a decision. Choose wisely.

[SweetiePie05]

I think I've read this a million times since last night. We live 5 miles from each other, I guess if I moved to another state I would have a chance ha!

 

I was letting his female best friend stay with me (her living situation ended) but it became too much, I am not accustomed to living with someone and I told her so she moved out yesterday. I guess she's gone back to stay with him. She's cool and we really connected but I can't do it. My bills got higher and she wasn't helping pay them. She hasn't spoken to me since she said she'd move, she got all her stuff and left the key in my apartment while I was at work.

 

You know how you acquire items when you're dating, I acquired his friends and family lol. I haven't heard from him either but I feel at peace now back in my own space, my own apartment. I didn't want her to think that I was having issues with her because me and him were done, but it is a weight off my shoulders having them both gone. I don't want her telling him what I'm doing. Her loyalty is with him.

 

You should drop him ASAP. I know it's easier said than done when you have feelings. But goodness, what a mess of a guy! He sounds really lame - he had a perfectly good girl here in person, yet he has two internet girlfriends who he's never met. If you two were a couple, I would call it emotional cheating for sure. But he won't even let it get that far with you, so basically you two are just hanging out. Honestly, he sounds like a loser. I think he's avoiding real intimacy with you or anyone else by latching on to these other two girls. I'm sure that some of these situations can work out once someone finally meets, but with him it sounds like all fantasy. He's living in fantasy-land, while you're getting hurt because you're attached. I don't see anything good coming from this, so I hope you'll drop him before you get more deeply involved. It's only been 4 months; imagine how much harder it's going to be, and how much worse it will feel, if you wait another 6 months or a year. Best to do it now. I'm sorry.

 

And honestly, others may disagree, but I don't think you did anything wrong by contacting the other girl. He's confusing you and sending mixed signals, and you needed to know where you stand. There were enough red flags to have already dropped him, but not everyone is strong enough to do that. Just let it all go now and try to find someone more available.

[SweetiePie05]

This is very much the case! Because he's "been so hurt" when he has real ones. That's all I'd hear when we'd get in arguments. It started to sound like an excuse, but he doesn't know what he wants. And I've ended things with him. He can have fun in fantasy land.

 

It sounds like he hides in these fantasy relationships to avoid having real ones.

[SweetiePie05]

Not even second place!! RIGHT!!! Smh...

 

And to clarify, he'd show up at my house all the time. Especially when I was mad. 6 am showing up to apologize. So I played a card from his stack and showed up and he wouldn't answer the door. I was nothing but good to him, y'all already know!

 

I would tell him to never speak to me again and block his phone number and block him from all social media. What is there to discuss? He has been literally stringing you along this entire time while he has been dating another girl. Now, that him and the girl are over, he's in love with someone in China. You are literally not even second place in his life. You hold no importance in terms of who he wants to date. If he was "falling in love with you", you two would have been together a long time ago.

You showing up his house, and having your friend message his girlfriends is not very healthy. You are obsessing over someone who you are not even in a relationship with.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. He sounds like a headache you don't need.

I've ended things with him. He can have fun in fantasy land.

[Tanzi]

I didn't want her to think that I was having issues with her because me and him were done, but it is a weight off my shoulders having them both gone. I don't want her telling him what I'm doing. Her loyalty is with him.

 

Seeing as she was sponging off you, you would be quite within your rights to have issues with her too .... but glad to hear you've dropped both the timewasters.