I messed things up, but I love her, but she's dismissing me

[Pry Moon]

I hope this is the right thread to ask for advice but I hope someone can encourage me...

 

So I was dating someone for 3.5 years, starting sophomore year of college. We were each other's first S/Os and had a great time. Really fell fast in love. My junior spring, I crushed on another girl and tried to leave her for the other, but she pleaded with me and we never actually broke up, but it did deeply affect her. Then we graduated and went to different grad schools (major regret) in different cities. This caused some stress/friction and our program stress probably made us take it out on each other, but we started fighting more this past spring until one day after a week of bad fighting in late May that I want some time to myself to figure out what I want. She didn't protest or plead this time. She just let me go, though I wish she hadnt. About a month later this past July, after thinking about what caused our fights and stuff, I decided that what we argued about was not important anymore and that I wanted to date her again.

 

She said she no. Which shocked me I guess, since she had always seemed to love me, even more than I loved her. So naturally, I pleaded and she just kept pushing away (expected since she is the stubborn type). In the end, she told me she just wanted time by herself. And she also stopped texting me as much as she did before she knew I wanted her back. She told a mutual friend of ours that "she felt bad for saying no, but that she needed time to work on herself, and that I needed time to work on myself." And this was the day after I called her and she told me that she "doesnt see us ever working out again." So it's strange that she told our mutual friend one thing, and me another. I also know that she told her family and friends that I wanted her back, which is good, right? She also said in July that she thinks I am just reeling for the break up and that we

"need to find ourselves again and see where that goes."

 

Well as July slowly came to a close, it seems like she was less and less interested. She didn't want to attend a concert with me because she didn't want to go thru me trying to get back with her. She also said back in June that she put away, but did not throw away all of our photos that she had on her desk. When I asked her about the photos earlier this month, she said she did not want to tell me whether she still has them "b/c it would either be hurtful or confusing." I assume she still has the photos, but just doesnt want me to think that she is planning on

getting back together. Or is that just wishfui? I went to a concert recently and she didn't ask me anything about it other than "who did you go with."

 

Since the begining of August I haven't been texting her and have been giving her that space, but after sending her an innocent snapchat yesterday, she asked me if she should mail me the clothes I left at her apartment or throw them away.. IT kinda hurt, and the conversation quickly changed directions so I never gave her a hard answer. But she hasnt pressed it again. Currently, the conversation stands with "do you want to date other people." She hasnt answered in a day.

 

So any ideas on where she is at? I know it's only been 3 months since we broke up, and only 2 since I asked to date her again. Is that way too ambitious? My sole piece of hard evidence that things arent over is what she told our mutual friend, which I believe to be what she honestly believes because she has no reason to lie to her. My main question I guess is this: why doesnt she just tell me that she needs time? She did

at first, but not she is saying she's done and moved on. She also just moved back to her school apartment so maybe being without her family will help her think of me again...

 

Thanks for reading

[Wiseman2]

A woman scorned..as they say. This is a very poignant description of breaking her heart over a grass-is-greener scenario and then her cutting you off. Obviously she's moved on and doesn't want to reopen that wound.

 

At the very least she needs time to cool off, heal and miss you. Go no contact and let her come to you.

I crushed on another girl and tried to leave her for the other, but she pleaded with me and we never actually broke up, but it did deeply affect her. So any ideas on where she is at?

[gebaird]

She told a mutual friend of ours that "she felt bad for saying no, but that she needed time to work on herself, and that I needed time to work on myself." And this was the day after I called her and she told me that she "doesnt see us ever working out again." So it's strange that she told our mutual friend one thing, and me another.

 

If you look a little more closely at these two statements, you will see that they are not actually in conflict. Needing time doesn't necessarily mean she is planning to get back together with you. Sometimes the result of time apart is a decision to break up (as you are experiencing).

 

I also know that she told her family and friends that I wanted her back, which is good, right?

 

It depends. She could simply be sharing her struggle with family and friends, not necessarily announcing her intentions to get back together with you at some point.

 

I think you have commitment issues, or at least you did in the past. Crushing on another girl, responding to conflict by asking for a break instead of working through it -- these are not actions that scream "loyalty." You've been taking advantage of her loyal nature, possibly taking her for granted as well, and now you are reaping the consequences. Having an LDR doesn't make it any easier to reconcile.

 

I don't know if this relationship can be saved, but I think giving her space is the right approach. If she doesn't respond to your "do you want to date other people?" text, the default answer is yes. It would be awesome if she gave you another chance, but I wouldn't wait too much longer for that event before closing the door on this chapter of your life and moving on.

[Pry Moon]

I think I did take advantage of her loyalty and I really didn't wish this tragedy had to happen for me to see that. I feel badly, but I have been on LC, and will go NC for now on. I know she does like change and is stubborn, and I feel like her using the word "jerk" to describe herself saying no to me really means that she could see us dating again, though after some time. These posts often 6-8 months as common times apart. That points to Jan-February as an outlook if things were to work out again..

 

I also bet she hasnt tossed our photos..

 

PM me if you want more details..

[QWit]

You are reading too much into what she told your friend. In actuality, it's no different from what she is saying to you personally. She is trying to move on. Give her the space.

[Pry Moon]

Is there any hope for us?

[gebaird]

Is there any hope for us?

 

6-8 months seems like an awfully long time to wait for a slim chance of getting back together. I know that's not what you want to hear, but perhaps it's what you need to hear.

[lostlove76]

I agree that you caused hurt and distrust by trying to leave her for a crush, and then actually leaving her at a later point "to figure out what you want." This made her feel unwanted, I can guarantee you. She decided that she can't trust you, and she gained the strength to determine that she doesn't need you. She seems to be feeling a little guilty, but I think she otherwise managed to shut off her feelings somewhere along the way so as not to get hurt again. You messed up, and you do seem to have commitment issues as mentioned above. I know that for myself, as a woman, once my feelings fade there is no going back. I don't know if she's reached that point, but seems she's trying to. Never say never, but it seems over to me. Let this be a lesson not to take someone for granted. Sounds as if you assumed she would always be there while you dilly-dallied about, figuring out "what you want," and she has now proven that she won't just sit and wait.

[Pry Moon]

anyone have a more encouraging perspective?

[QWit]

For your health and healing, you need to start moving on. That is what she is doing. Not healthy to sit around hoping for something that may or may not happen. What you do, for now ,is that she does not want a relationship with you anymore. Take her at her word. Shouldn't put your life on hold like that.

[boltnrun]

You can't expect someone to just let you go in and out of their life whenever you feel like it. You hurt her twice, she probably won't give you a third chance to hurt her.

 

The time to realize you love someone is when you're with them, and don't take their love for granted. Lesson for next time.