Misslulu Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 We've been together for half a year. He is great, he is fun, talkative, sociable, spontaneous, intelligent, attractive and we have great sex. But I feel he is emotionally unavailable. He shows enthusiasm about sex and doing stuff together. However, he doesn't talk about his feelings to me in spite of the fact that I have opened myself completely and told him many times I love him. I am also very affectionate while he sometimes is and sometimes is cold and distant. He doesn't talk about the future either. He has repeatedly expressed casually in conversation things that worry, mainly that he doesn't want to marry and that he has difficulties accepting people's love. Also, he has expressed self deprecating feelings. He is also highly competitive sometimes in conversation. What the heck does that mean? What is going on with him? Thank you all, I am suffering here, I like him a lot, I'm foolishly in love and I really want us to work.
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 It may be a good idea to pull back a bit especially on the ilys and emotional talk. Those things do not accelerate relationships and they can feel a bit overwhelming. It's too soon to talk about the future, however he has told you point blank "he doesn't want to marry and that he has difficulties accepting people's love". Do you mean he is argumentative or has to be right in conversations? Is he insecure? He shows enthusiasm about sex and doing stuff together. However, he doesn't talk about his feelings to me in spite of the fact that I have opened myself completely and told him many times I love him
MissCanuck Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 To be fair, you've only been dating 6 months. For many people, that is too soon to be saying "I love you" and making plans for the future. He might be sensing that you're falling faster than he is, and thus putting some space in the relationship to scales things back a little. One important point is that he does not want to marry - do you? Because if you do, this isn't your man. If he knows that you would like to someday, and he knows he doesn't want that, it could very well explain why he's maintaining distance. If he has a hard time accepting love, he could also very well have some problems with Attachment (many of us broadly fall into one Attachment style or another) Though your post isn't very detailed and we can't know what he's feelings, it is possible that he is Avoidantly Attached. You may want to have a look online for more information on the topic. How old are you both, and what are you respective relationship histories?
gebaird Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I see four possibilities here: 1) Has he had a bad breakup in the past? Were his parents divorced and/or dysfunctional? Sometimes this kind of baggage can create problems in relationships. Self-deprecation and difficulties accepting people's love are further evidence that he is carrying some emotional baggage 2) Boys are often conditioned to hide their emotions when they are young, and it can be hard to unlearn this behavior later 3) It could also be inexperience (not knowing how to act in a relationship) 4) He's just not that into you When you tell him you love him, does he ever say it back? It doesn't sound to me like he is disinterested, just stuck in his own head. Keep expressing your needs and maybe encourage him to talk to a therapist (never an easy conversation!) It would be great if he willingly faced these issues. There are certain expectations in healthy relationships, and I think you need to help him understand that this pattern of behavior isn't going to work for you or him in the long-term. Even if things don't work out between the two of you, these problems will follow him into future relationships. Your desires for affection and reciprocation are not at all unreasonable.
greta96 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I suggest you scale back on the declarations of love and pull back a little. I don't know whether he is like this because he is not into you, or this is just his "love language", but if it's the latter then you may appear as over the top to him and he may find it a turn off. Don't read too much into him showing enthusiasm about sex, most people do and it means nothing. Focus more on the meaningful signs that a guy is into you (is he planning dates? Is he trying to get to know you? Has he introduced you to his friends and family?) and make your judgements from there. It is indeed a red flag that he said he didn't want to get married. If you do want to get married eventually, don't wait around hoping he'd change his mind, because chances are he won't. Usually when people tell you who they are, believe them. Try scaling back your affections and try mirroring him. Don't overwhelm him with gestures he is uncomfortable with. But the thing is, if the real reason he is being the way he is is because he's not that into you, nothing you do will change that. I know it's frustrating and you would like it to work out, but you can't force something that isn't there.
ThatwasThen Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Well, I know one thing. I knew what I wanted and that was to marry and have children. That means that I didn't give more then a goodbye to someone who confessed to never wanting to get married or have children. Op: You are giving yourself, you are taking a huge risk on giving your heart to someone who doesn't want the same things you do. You do want commitment and/or children, yes? If you don't, then carry on and go without expectation of you being able to win him over.
ThatwasThen Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I see four possibilities here: 1) Has he had a bad breakup in the past? Were his parents divorced and/or dysfunctional? Sometimes this kind of baggage can create problems in relationships. Self-deprecation and difficulties accepting people's love are further evidence that he is carrying some emotional baggage 2) Boys are often conditioned to hide their emotions when they are young, and it can be hard to unlearn this behavior later 3) It could also be inexperience (not knowing how to act in a relationship) 4) He's just not that into you Or 5) He knows himself, he knows he doesn't want marriage, he's honest and he's told her and it's up to her what she does with that information. I think it's unfair to him to assign any other "maybe." @OP: Do yourself a favor and just take him at face value and thank him for his honesty. Then think hard about what YOUR end dating goal is.
skytrain Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Sounds like he expresses his feelings, just not the ones you want to hear. He says he doesn't want marriage- some people don't. There's nothing wrong with that or negative. Some people don't want to be married and that's okay. If he shows negative emotions to you, those are still emotions. Maybe you just don't want to see it. 6 months is a short amount of time. It's long enough to get an idea of who someone is but short enough where you don't know the whole picture. I think maybe you are using his lack of emotion as a reason to keep the relationship.
Misslulu Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 Thank you all for your time and your thoughtful answers. Here there is a bit more of info. He has been raised by his mum. His parents separated when he was 4 and he moved from Mexico to SPain when he was five. He has expressed that this was hard for him but has not related his emotional problems to that in a direct way. He has mentioned he has difficulties accepting his mum's love. He hasnt given details about his parents relationship, just said that his father was not very consistent, had several partners and many children. I don't need much more info to understand why he doesnt want to marry. He doesn't believe in it. And I don't want to push him to tell me about it if he doesnt want to. I accept that he doesnt want marriage. He likes children. He works with children, he is a councellor for couples who have serious problems such as custody issues. He has expressed that he wants children and that's enough for me. We are both 33 but yes, it's true it's too soon to think of that in terms of the relationship. The affective problem is what scares me the most. It's something I haven't dealt with before. I don't know the cause and I feel I am not in control of the situation. It makes me feel unsafe, even unwanted sometimes. I am sure he is honest and he's not trying to play with me but still... it feels like walking on egg shells sometimes. He sometimes expresses appreciation for my signs of love and sometimes ignores them and adopts a more distant style. This is what bothers me
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Pull back and he will have the room to go towards. Try not to suffocate. Try to feel comfortable and secure together. Try not to psychoanalyze the 'cause' of his need for personal space, just respect it in a secure way. Clingy behavior tends to exacerbate someone's need for more breathing room. Try not to control everything. I don't know the cause and I feel I am not in control of the situation. It makes me feel unsafe, even unwanted sometimes. He sometimes expresses appreciation for my signs of love and sometimes ignores them and adopts a more distant style.(
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