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In a relationship but falling for a close friend


cupcakeangel

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I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years but we split for 6 months 2 years into our relationship because he didn't know what he wanted.

He's 5 and half years younger than me (i'm 31 now and he is 25)

I was left heartbroken and couldn't understand why he left but at the same time i didn't chase him back either and let him figure thing out on his own as i was/am his first ever gf..

 

During our split i got close with a guy (Ben) through our circle of friends.. He makes me laugh and he's pretty much the male version of me.

Although we hit it off very well i was honest with Ben and told him that i'm not over my ex regardless what he has done. Ben understood, backed off and we remained friends.

 

My ex then contacted me 3 months into our split and tried to get me back.. he said he needed the time to think and that grass wan't greener on the other side etc.. He even said he didn't date anyone either.

 

I eventually did let him come back into my life and after 6 months we were back together. I was going travelling that year too and he wanted to join me. i wasnt sure at first but it was a make or break for us and turns out the travelling brought us closer. We spent 24hrs a day for 5 months and not argued.

When we came back i thought we were on top form and we were back on track until i found out he was messaging some girl behind my back on fb ... This completely crushed me but then at the same time i guess he hasn't cheated and that he said it was more of a curiosity thing and begged for another chance. i really have high hopes for us so i forgave him.

I didn't even tell Ben what he has done.

 

This was over a year ago now and since that we've manage to get back on track and even brought a house together.

 

During all this time Ben and i continued to have stayed friends and continued our weekly chat. He even found himself a gf and on number of occasion him and my bf hang out as we have some mutual friends.

 

My bf knew what happened between Ben and I when we split as i was honest and told him and he understood his feelings for me..

 

Now 2 years since that 6 months split it seems the table has turned and it's my turn to start thinking/seeing Ben in a different light again.

Something has brought my old feelings up i had for Ben..

He split with his gf couple of months back and from what he told me he really had high hopes for them.

 

We haven't even talked about anything romantically until last week when he confessed that he still has chemistry for me even when he was with his gf... I think deep down Ben knows i've always felt the same but we'd never do anything to jeopardise our friendship.

 

I've told him that i can't give him anymore but friendship and he says he knows the score and nothing has ever gone further than that.

For the first time i feel sad i can't give him more but guilty for even having that thought... I know we haven't done anything physically

but my emotions are enlightened and i don't want to lose Ben as i love our friendship but am i mistaking my feelings with love or infatuation?

 

I've daydreamed about what it'd be like to live with Ben and the fun things we'd do and each time it'd make smile, scared and guilty all at the same time... I know it's wrong but do i really have to throw our friendship away to save my relationship?

 

 

Please help

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I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years but we split for 6 months 2 years into our relationship because he didn't know what he wanted.

He's 5 and half years younger than me (i'm 31 now and he is 25)

I was left heartbroken and couldn't understand why he left but at the same time i didn't chase him back either and let him figure thing out on his own as i was/am his first ever gf..

 

During our split i got close with a guy (Ben) through our circle of friends.. He makes me laugh and he's pretty much the male version of me.

Although we hit it off very well i was honest with Ben and told him that i'm not over my ex regardless what he has done. Ben understood, backed off and we remained friends.

 

My ex then contacted me 3 months into our split and tried to get me back.. he said he needed the time to think and that grass wan't greener on the other side etc.. He even said he didn't date anyone either.

 

I eventually did let him come back into my life and after 6 months we were back together. I was going travelling that year too and he wanted to join me. i wasnt sure at first but it was a make or break for us and turns out the travelling brought us closer. We spent 24hrs a day for 5 months and not argued.

When we came back i thought we were on top form and we were back on track until i found out he was messaging some girl behind my back on fb ... This completely crushed me but then at the same time i guess he hasn't cheated and that he said it was more of a curiosity thing and begged for another chance. i really have high hopes for us so i forgave him.

I didn't even tell Ben what he has done.

 

This was over a year ago now and since that we've manage to get back on track and even brought a house together.

 

During all this time Ben and i continued to have stayed friends and continued our weekly chat. He even found himself a gf and on number of occasion him and my bf hang out as we have some mutual friends.

 

My bf knew what happened between Ben and I when we split as i was honest and told him and he understood his feelings for me..

 

Now 2 years since that 6 months split it seems the table has turned and it's my turn to start thinking/seeing Ben in a different light again.

Something has brought my old feelings up i had for Ben..

He split with his gf couple of months back and from what he told me he really had high hopes for them.

 

We haven't even talked about anything romantically until last week when he confessed that he still has chemistry for me even when he was with his gf... I think deep down Ben knows i've always felt the same but we'd never do anything to jeopardise our friendship.

 

I've told him that i can't give him anymore but friendship and he says he knows the score and nothing has ever gone further than that.

For the first time i feel sad i can't give him more but guilty for even having that thought... I know we haven't done anything physically

but my emotions are enlightened and i don't want to lose Ben as i love our friendship but am i mistaking my feelings with love or infatuation?

 

I've daydreamed about what it'd be like to live with Ben and the fun things we'd do and each time it'd make smile, scared and guilty all at the same time... I know it's wrong but do i really have to throw our friendship away to save my relationship?

 

 

Please help

 

I have felt this way too before, so I totally understand what you're feeling. It's not wrong to think what it would be like to be with your friend as long as you wouldn't act upon those feelings. I think it's normal at times for both guys and girls who are in relationships to think about what it would be like to be with a friend or other people.

 

I think you should ask yourself then, do you still love and have strong feelings for your current partner or do you see yourself fitting better with Ben? Once you decide this, then I think it's clear what decision you have to make. Also keep in mind that your current boyfriend and Ben are friends and if you did date Ben your current boyfriend is going to think you might have cheated on him or dumped him for Ben and that is going to sting like h.e.l.l and could cause a lot of turmoil for all.

 

If you still love and have strong feelings for your current boyfriend, then I think you should just remain friends with Ben and value the friendship that you two have. I totally understand about risking losing a great friendship if you decided to date Ben. I guess you have to weigh what's more important to you, having a great guy friend or risk that anyway and date him.

 

Like I said I have been in your shoes and what I decided to do was just value the friendship I have with my close guy friend. I would hate to date him and then we break up and never talk again. I'd rather just remain close friends. I rather have a close friendship then lose it all at some point. Then again I've heard quotes that state 'the best relationships start out as friends' and to 'marry your best friend'...but who knows, we can only do what we would feel is best for us.

 

I wish you luck on your decision.

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until i found out he was messaging some girl behind my back on fb ... This completely crushed me but then at the same time i guess he hasn't cheated and that he said it was more of a curiosity thing and begged for another chance. i really have high hopes for us so i forgave him.

I didn't even tell Ben what he has done.

 

Just so you are aware (should it ever crop up again) that IS cheating. It is called emotional cheating. You don't have to have sex with someone for it to be classed as cheating.

 

You haven't really said what happened with you and Ben other than you got close. From the little you have said, we can't possibly answer your question and know what it is you really feel for him. You are making a big commitment by moving in with your bf ... maybe subconsciously you know something isn't right and you are projecting your emotions onto Ben ... almost like you are clutching at him like a lifebuoy to your old life, unsure about your next step up the commitment ladder. Maybe you really do have feelings for Ben.

 

One thing is clear, however, you are in no position to be moving in with your bf, especially if you are daydreaming about moving in with another man. Whether you should be with Ben or not, your foundations with your bf are not strong enough to commit in such a way. Not at this moment in time anyway and I think you would only confuse yourself even more if you did.

 

Personally, I think you need to put some distance between yourself and both of these guys so that you can think about what or who it is you truly want. Some time by yourself would help with that.

 

If you want to make your relationship work then, yes, you are going to have to distance yourself from Ben, especially as you have told your bf about you and Ben. I would want to do that out of respect for my partner and relationship. A relationship is never really going to flourish when it is underneath someone else's shadow.

 

That being said, I don't think you should even contemplate being in a relationship (and subsequently stringing that person along) if your head is elsewhere. Whether or not you are fantasising over Ben because your relationship with your bf isn't working or whether or not you really have feelings for Ben is undecipherable (by yourself, too, no doubt) but until you have given yourself some time away from them both you aren't going to be able to make a clear or concise decision based on your true feelings.

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Personally, I think you need to put some distance between yourself and both of these guys so that you can think about what or who it is you truly want. Some time by yourself would help with that.

 

If you want to make your relationship work then, yes, you are going to have to distance yourself from Ben, especially as you have told your bf about you and Ben. I would want to do that out of respect for my partner and relationship. A relationship is never really going to flourish when it is underneath someone else's shadow.

 

That being said, I don't think you should even contemplate being in a relationship (and subsequently stringing that person along) if your head is elsewhere. Whether or not you are fantasising over Ben because your relationship with your bf isn't working or whether or not you really have feelings for Ben is undecipherable (by yourself, too, no doubt) but until you have given yourself some time away from them both you aren't going to be able to make a clear or concise decision based on your true feelings.

I totally agree with the above!

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Unfortunately this is why greener-grass breaks damage a relationship. You both formed outside interests. You are messaging Ben, he's messaging some girl.

 

Break up with the bf and follow your heart and start dating Ben.

he said he needed the time to think and that grass wan't greener on the other side etc. he was messaging some girl behind my back on fb

During all this time Ben and i continued to have stayed friends and continued our weekly chat.

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