Long term Boyfriend back in contact with Ex

[Louise26]

Looking for some advice please...my BF of 2yrs who I live with has been messaging an ex GF (I know this through message notifications on his phone and then wrongly or rightly reading them all in more detail) and this is causing me great distress. I know he really loved her and as our relationship started probably still loved her and as so he started slowly with me. I'm trying to figure out why he still wants to communicate by sharing their old memories and has recently messaged more frequently and has said he would love to meet her to catch up. I've also seen a message from a male friend asking if he'd end it with me for her, and his response was 'not an easy one and ask her what she thought' as they mutually know each other. I feel so hurt. Our relationship is fun and intimate apart from this issue I've come across, our friends and family are close and all else is great. I know I've snooped and I really want to confront him to ask his intentions/reasons, but I don't want to push him away and look as crazy as I feel right now as I love him dearly. I'd welcome your views x

[Wiseman2]

Was he ever open that they are in touch or have remained 'friends'? Two yrs with you is a long time for him to suddenly reach out.

I'm trying to figure out why he still wants to communicate by sharing their old memories and has recently messaged more frequently and has said he would love to meet her to catch up. I don't want to push him away and look as crazy as I feel right now as I love him dearly.

[hrat791]

Something within your relationship has sparked your interest to see what he is up to behind your back. Unless you happened to stumble upon his messages by accident? (doubt it)

 

Either way, I would bring it up sooner than later. He may get defensive and try to reverse the problem back onto you by asking why you were going through his things. In which you can state you felt something was wrong (intuition?) but didn't know how to bring it up to you, and wanted to verify it for yourself. That it was a stupid thing to do, but your gut feeling obviously paid off and there is actually something going on that is of concern to you.

 

I have seen it where the person in the wrong tries to use the whole "you went through my private messages?!?!" argument against them, so they can deflect from the fact that they are being dishonest. Maybe he was on the verge of telling you, and you happened to snoop at the calm before the storm, but he should have been telling you his doubts before he even started messaging his ex. What he is doing is completely wrong and inappropriate, and you both need to talk about what is going to happen in the future.

[gebaird]

Yikes. There are red flags all over the place here. It seems it could end if you say nothing, but it could end sooner if you say something. A typical response to this sort of situation is for the guy to get upset that you read the messages on his phone, making that the issue instead of the real problem of him texting his ex. I would talk with him about it and express your concerns. I know you love him, but if he isn't committed to you then it's better to know that now than waste more time with him only to have it end anyway. Talking to him will be hard, and it may go all wrong, but pretending it isn't happening won't get you very far either. You deserve better, either through addressing the problems in this relationship or by moving on to a better one where you are truly cherished.

[moodindigo91]

Dude, end it. This is literally exactly how my relationship crashed and burned except initially it wasn't his ex whom he was messaging, just other random women. Then I found dating profiles, Craigslist ads, lists of women he's slept with where my name was not the last name on said lists.

 

In my opinion, this can only be bad. He's lying to you, straight to your face, every single day and he cannot sincerely answer whether or not he wants you or her. So, when you confront him about this and he tells you he loves you and he's sorry, how can you believe him when he so clearly told his friend that he was unsure?

 

You deserve better.

[Louise26]

No, he's never discussed their relationship details with me, only referenced her once and said that she broke his heart as she decided to stay with her Hubbie (they were an on affair for few years). I don't this he's ever fully broken off text communication with her, but they haven't met and it's probably very infrequent. I'm just confused and don't understand why he wants to keep in contact with her, unless it's blindingly obvious he still has feelings for her. A lot has changed in his life in recent times work wise so I can see him saying that he just wanted to update her and find out what's been going on with her again, still totally inappropriate in my mind x

[Louise26]

I posted my response below (new to this site! 😁

[DancingFool]

At first I was going to say.......but then I read your response about him having an affair with this woman..... I don't know about you, but personally, I'd never get into a relationship with someone who was knowingly engaged in an affair. She is a cheater, but so is he. He might not dump you for her, but what makes you think he won't cheat on you with her or someone else given enough time? It's the kind of low character quality I'd stay far far away from. Also, how much of that is really love and how much just a high from the adrenaline rush of sneaking around, which can be as addictive as drugs, btw......

[lostlove76]

I was going to say what DancingFool said. The fact that he engaged in an affair with a married woman shows you his lack of values and character. If he has no problem with helping someone cheat, then he most likely has no problem with cheating himself. Not to mention that if he still has feelings for her, he's not 100% with you.

 

I know it hurts like hell, but it will probably continue to hurt even more in the future if you stay with him. I'm sorry.

[Ms Darcy]

If marriage isn't a suitable boundary for him to stay away, what makes you think he won't cheat on someone who is just a gf. I think dating him in the first place was unwise.

[Louise26]

So, it's been a few weeks and I've tried to not get too worried or think about it too much. The original spark to snooping in his phone was the opportunity (it was lying around) and my personal insecurities as I was cheated on before and found it really hard initially to trust any guy. I was genuinely shocked to find something, and to her, his ex, so recently over the past month or so. She is recently single again and clearly reverting back to my BF as she has no one again and he has always kept in touch with her, the reason why I am going to ask him. So, latest is, I'm still mustering courage to approach him and question him but today I've decided it's going to be asap as again I looked in his phone and they have arranged to catch up in mid November when he is around her way. She offered to put him up at her house for the night and he's actually accepted the offer???!!! So clearly I'm distraught and MUST approach him and tell him I know his plans and that he's been messaging her. Where I'm worried is my approach to this and would appreciate any of your thoughts.... I don't want to lose him I just want to understand the reasons behind his actions and to fully inderstand where his heads at with us. Any thoughts on the best approach and questions to ask him....,

 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but this covert planning is seriously crossing the line even if jumps up and down that they are "just friends".

they have arranged to catch up in mid November when he is around her way. She offered to put him up at her house for the night and he's actually accepted the offer???!!!

[Jibralta]

I don't want to lose him

 

Honestly, losing him might be the best thing for you. This situation is dismal. Please don't pull any punches because you don't want to lose him. Let him get lost, seriously. It's so disrespectful to you.

[BrainFreeze]

Sorry this does not sound good. I had an ex who was reaching out to all kinds of women looking to find one to replace me whenever he decided to break it off. (he started a relationship two days after we broke up). Another ex of mine kept in touch with me while he was in a relationship, and he was not fully in it and not over me. I think most of the time these ties are bad....not absolutely, but if he is not trying to make you feel comfortable about it, and you don't know anything about it, I would definitely question if he is being honest with you.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd be packing an over-nighter and asking him "I'm surprised your ex is having us over. Do you think it will be awkward?... and then I'd just wait for him to try and stammer his way out of it.

 

P.S. I always say that if you're going to snoop then you best be prepared to discuss what you found with who you snooped on. You'll never know now if had you questioned him about his contact with her and how it upset you to be disrespected in that manner, if he would have cut off contact with her. He sounds like he totally lacks relationship boundaries and he disrespects other peoples relationship boundaries as well.

 

Have ALL of your stuff packed because think you're going to be better off without someone who doesn't have good boundaries in place. They don't have rules for THEMSELVES never mind their relationship and who they are stepping on when they step over those of others. Selfish and self-absorbed.

[bluebell05]

I am actually in the same situation. I have noticed things in my boyfriends phone in which his son was checking things out. So I wasn't the one who first sa . He brought them to my attention and I just thought he was starting trouble for me and my boyfriend to fight. This was messages from back in November into January. .. he claims he doesn't talk to this ex only about their son. Which can be true cause his mom tries to get him to talk to her and he says he doesn't want to. Well he recently went to a concert with his daughter and she happened to be there. His daughter knew but didn't tell him cause she felt as though he wouldn't have wanted to go. Later on that night a message came on his phone and she asked him to go to dinner after midnight. Well he didn't reply or even go. He was home with me.... I just don't know what to think. He does have his phone secured and won't let me have the pass codes. So I am wondering if he is hiding something from me because he secretly opens his phone when I'm not present but catch him.... not sure if I should say something. Every time I ask him he says he feels like he is on trial with me. He told me he felt something was off with his ex (this ex) so he went in her phone and found what he was looking for. And she cheated on him with someone. But with them talking makes me feel as though they are wanting to clear things up. He is making all kinds of excuses not to cuddle with me and saying he is not interested in sex all the time. He is once in a while but not like I want it... I'm just wondering if he is truly being honest with me about not talking to her anymore. And being honest with me about it..... I mean they do have a son together and make arrangements thru hia parents so he doesn't have to deal with her.