weirdlife88 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years. He was amazing and I was the one who proposed to him because he was very outgoing and adventurous and I was very comfortable with him. I loved and enjoyed his company. 3 years into the relationship I realized he was not heading the in right direction in terms of his career and around the same time his family went into severe financial losses. During that time I thought this relationship isn't right for me and I deserved someone better because I have everything a guy would want and he was not that person. I supported him around that time although I knew at the back of mind that I would not continue my relationship with him and marry someone who is well settled and matured. I was with him through his problems, but was always assuring him I would leave him. I can only imagine how much I hurt him when I said that. He kept up with that and was still being with me hoping I will change one day and realize how much he loves me. During this entire time he never would have sex with me. We tried several times but he disappointed me since he would never get a erection. This made me feel that it was another indication I don't have to take this relationship further. 6 years into the relationship I found an other guy my parents chose and felt that he was the right guy. I didn't take a lot of time to understand if that person was right for me and got married to him right away. Right after marrying him within few weeks I realized I made a mistake. This guy was nothing like my ex boyfriend. I was very comfortable with my ex boyfriend since we shared the same interests and loved each others company. I tried my best not to think of my ex and tried to make my marriage work but there were other issues in the marriage that kept me not wanting the relationship. My husband didn't have a job and we had a very ordinary life nothing what I imagined before marrying him. Karma bit me and bit me really hard. I realized I was a fool to look out for settlement and maturity when I had a great guy with me and thought I would be very happy with this guy who had everything(which was again an assumption) The fights with my husband got worse and he would even hit me. During this entire time I was in touch with my boyfriend. We would talk for hours and I would tell him how my husband mistreated me and how big a mistake I did leaving him. I would cry in the nights missing him. One day when the fights were hard to cope up I told my husband I needed some time off from him. I moved to different city and was away from him. During this time my boyfriend helped me settle down in a new job. Around this time he told me he was still loves and wishes to marry me if I am ok with it. I asked for sometime to decide but never made a decision. I was very confused - do I love him, what do I do with my marriage etc.He kept asking me for an answer and one day I told him I love him too and would marry him. Within few weeks I started to feel I was doing a mistake committing to a guy while I am still married and not separated. I tried to explain it to my boyfriend but felt it wasn't right for me to break his heart. Around that time my boyfriend visited a doctor and found the reason why he never had sex with me. He had a medical condition that played with his hormones and that's why he couldn't maintain an erection. I felt really bad that I didn't understand it although i didn't know about it around the time I left him. My confusion kept growing every day and the medical condition of my boyfriend made me feel bad for him. Upon my boyfriends request I started to to even live with him. My feelings of guilt continued to grow and one fine day I called my husband and told him what exactly was happening. He was devastated and started to take everything on him that because he mistreated me I fell from my boyfriend. He promised to change and promised to make sure he did everything possible to keep the marriage. I told him about my confusion but he said he was ready to wait until I made a decision. I told the same thing to my boyfriend and asked him space so I could decide what I needed, but he didn't know why I needed time after I committed to him. I know why he felt that way. He was beginning to feel I was going to drop the ball again. One day I couldn't take it anymore and took a break from both of them and was away from them for a month. I was not able to help myself so talked to a friend and he felt my husband deserved another chance. Not that he felt that way but I was beginning to feel just the same and told my husband I would give the marriage another chance. My husband was very excited and we are planning to live together from the next month. But now I am beginning to feel miserable again. I think about my boyfriend and I cant think of anything else but him. My mind is all fickle and messed up. I don't know what to do. I feel more miserable because I am this horrible person playing with people's emotion. I keep thinking about things like should I go back to my boyfriend? but what if I decide to leave him again? I don't want to hurt him I already did enough damage. Why cant i ever be happy? Will I keep my husband who is become so supportive and patient happy? Whom do I choose? What do I do.. These thoughts are killing me. I am not able to live peacefully even one single day. I have messed up my life enough and I am continuing to do the same. I am not sure what is wrong with me and why is it so hard for me to make decisions and stick with it. I feel I miss my boyfriend and I hurt him a lot.. Career wise I am doing great but this issue is just killing me.. I need advice.. 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Blue Ridge Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 The enter key will make paragraph breaks to make reading your post easier if you want to edit it. You might want to, as this was a bit like reading a run-on sentence. To the matter at hand, I think you need to speak with a counselor or therapist. These matters (marriage, choosing a partner) aren't trivial, and can't be answered based on just a few facts. It seems the grass always appears greener until you reach the other pasture. If you do end your marriage, don't just jump back with the ex, or you will be right back where you started. If you do stay with your husband, you need to be in it 100%, and stop the romanticizing of the past relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Is this an arranged marriage? Does your bf have erectile dysfunction? Who do you actually love? I found an other guy my parents chose and felt that he was the right guy. I didn't take a lot of time to understand if that person was right for me and got married to him right away.Around that time my boyfriend visited a doctor and found the reason why he never had sex with me. He had a medical condition that played with his hormones and that's why he couldn't maintain an erection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdlife88 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Yes, it was an arranged marriage.. I know it sounds weird.. I love my boyfriend.. But when I have to commit for marriage I am not able to do it.. I like my husband he is a nice man and he's been very understanding lately... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdlife88 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Yes the boyfriend has some problems with the sex drive.. But the doctor said its treatable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Why cant i ever be happy? This is the core of the issue. You were unhappy with your boyfriend, unhappy with your husband, and unhappy alone. If you can't address this problem, it won't matter who you are with or what decision you make. Every decision will lead to more unhappiness. I think you owe it to these guys to sort things out for yourself before jumping back into a relationship with either of them. You may be struggling with depression. You are definitely experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance and misalignment (you are at war with yourself and it shows up as indecision, which in itself is hurtful to everyone involved, including you). Find a therapist or spiritual teacher. Start doing yoga, taking walks, reading. Figure out who you are and what you want. Listen to both your head and your heart and forget the social and religious and moral pressures pushing in one direction or another. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel. The only voice that matters right now is your own. The honest answer may be to stay single for a while. I would certainly think twice before going back to someone who has hit me. Saying he will change and actually doing it are two very different things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Then that is the answer, you feel you must stay in your arranged marriage and your husband has forgiven your cheating. Arranged marriages are not for love. However you said at first you knew 'he was right for you'. You also mentioned your bf's ED being a the reason you ended it with him.Yes, it was an arranged marriage.. I know it sounds weird.. I love my boyfriend.. But when I have to commit for marriage I am not able to do it.. I like my husband he is a nice man and he's been very understanding lately... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skytrain Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I can't relate to this because we don't have arranged marriage in my culture. So I will give my point of view outside of that. It seems like you are a fault finder. You seek perfection and you feel unfulfilled when you don't think it's there. Your ex boyfriend wasn't going in the right career direction yet your husband didn't have a job? Seems rather conflicting. My partner also suffers from erectile disfunction. It's a two way street. Yes there are feelings of frustration coming from a women. But consider how it makes a man feel. I probably would have supported him at the time if I was you and encouraged him to see a doctor. It appears like he did that on his own. I don't know the details about that situation but it seems like you just assumed that he was inferior. I'm sorry that your now husband is abusive towards you. That's a lot of reason in itself to not stay with him. I would consider counselling. Find out the reason why you seek to find a flaw free person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdlife88 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Wiseman2: Thank you so much for your response and suggestion.. I will try to get in touch with a counselor.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdlife88 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 skytrain: Thanks for your response.. I agree with your view that I am looking for perfection....But the erectile dysfunction was not the not reason for my break up with him.. I feel very bad about about the kind of person I am. I am being selfish trying to expect only perfect people when I am so imperfect.. I also feel very emotional and stressed that I am being a bad person and troubling these two amazing people who have been so patient with me.. I also feel very bad for my boyfriend about his medical condition.. That adds to my stress even more.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 This is not about being a good/bad person. It's about being unhappily married and running to an old flame. ???? the erectile dysfunction was not the not reason for my break up with him We tried several times but he disappointed me since he would never get a erection. This made me feel that it was another indication I don't have to take this relationship further Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyRayne Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 What was the most prominent reason in your mind as to why you could not marry your BF? Family pressure for an arranged marriage, his lack of a secure job? Because from what you've typed I can't see that you've said anything why he didn't make a suitable match. My husband is Indian so I do understand a little about arranged marriages. I am aware of the family pressure to keep a marriage together. Are you experiencing that at all? The thing about your husband that concerns me is he has hit you... And from what you said your BFs problems with sex may be a result of him feeling you were not in love with him anymore and being felt not worthy of your commitment and perhaps is no more serious than than that. Arranged marriages at least in what I have observed with my husbands friends and family is that parents try to find someone suitable with a good life style for their daughters usually this might mean a man who is well educated and has earning potential so that their daughter will not want for anything materially but they cannot account for their daughters feelings or even temperament so that sometimes the girl will not love the husband for many months or even years into the marriage and if there are issues then perhaps never. With arranged marriages I feel from a western point of view that the family is looking for an "instant life" for their children sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't... But if you had a great life together with your BF i dont understand why you left him. If it was because he lacked education or a well paid job? Why could you not have built a life together instead of feeling you needed to have an instant settled life. I do feel you need to sort out who you are and what you want before making any decision this might not suit your husband and your BF may eventually move on but when you are sure of who you are and only then will you know what direction to go. I wish you the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 skytrain: Thanks for your response.. I agree with your view that I am looking for perfection....But the erectile dysfunction was not the not reason for my break up with him.. I feel very bad about about the kind of person I am. I am being selfish trying to expect only perfect people when I am so imperfect.. I also feel very emotional and stressed that I am being a bad person and troubling these two amazing people who have been so patient with me.. I also feel very bad for my boyfriend about his medical condition.. That adds to my stress even more.. I sense a lot of shame in this response. You are beating yourself up for being who you are and feeling what you feel. On the outside this seems like a very black and white choice: You can be with your husband and do the "right" thing (honoring your vows, cultural traditions, etc.), but you will perhaps be denying your heart of the love it really wants. Or you can do the "wrong" thing and be with your BF, letting your heart get what it wants but feeling ashamed and guilty and unhappy and perhaps even ostracized by family and friends who disagree with your choice. There is, however, a third option. You could take a closer look at your beliefs, as they seem to be the source of your pain. I was raised in a very traditional culture with rigid values. I was taught that discipline, morality and character are all that matter. So I shoved my real desires and feelings deep, deep down where I hoped I could forget about them. I left my first love because I was worried about what other people would think. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, church leaders and friends. It still hurts 20 years later. Judgment is often an unfortunate side-effect of highly religious/traditional cultures, and self-judgment is judgment in its worst form, because you can never escape the voice inside your head telling you that you are wrong, bad, unworthy, or shameful because there is a disconnect between your beliefs and your desires, your thoughts and your behaviors. I love certain aspects of my culture and religion, participate actively in my church and community and appreciate the many good things it has to offer. But there is a dark side, too. There is anger and conflict and hypocrisy. There is a lot of self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. When someone decides to live a different way, family and friends and neighbors may reject or pity them. It is like they are no longer good human beings, because they have failed to follow "the rules." It seems to me like you could be happy with your BF, especially if the ED problems are resolved. Going back to your husband feels like the culturally appropriate choice, the one that others (perhaps even you) would "approve." Just be careful about living the life others want you to live instead of the life YOU want to live. It comes at a price. Whatever the outcome of this situation, please be kind and compassionate and understanding to yourself. Nothing good ever comes from shame. There is no benefit to beating yourself up continually. It will simply reinforce your unhappiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdlife88 Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 gebarid: Thanks so much for your response. I wanted to get back with my boyfriend.. However when I was with him for few months while I took a break from my husband I was very happy initially but later I started to feel very unconformable and was trying to get out of it.. I might be because I was thinking about what the society might think of me.. I tried to put everything aside and try to understand whom I love and where does my heart belong and not think of society, culture, family.. I couldn't commit to him, but when I am away from him I miss him. At the same time I was not ready to divorce my husband.. I feel bad being in this situation and not being able to make a decision and stick to it and live through the consequences.. I feel I am stuck and can't move either ways or leave everything and be alone.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 It sounds like you have resolved to stay with your husband and think of your ex bf fondly. I couldn't commit to him, but when I am away from him I miss him. At the same time I was not ready to divorce my husband.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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