Should I contact her after the 30 day NC

[Schimker]

My ex and I broke up just under 30 days now at this point. It was a very heated and passionate relationship and in the end, break up. She originally told me she needed space and would like time away and I refused as I believed that is not how you solve issues in relationships. We went back and forth and she came back and apologized verbally but I felt as if it was a "lip service" apology as she was still not giving me the "attention" or showing me she was sorry. We fought for about 6 weeks and finally one day we were both so tired of fighting and emotionally drained we could hear in each others voice it was time. I waited about a week and asked if she wanted her belongings and she said she did not and I could throw them away as she did not have a means to transport them. Like an idiot, I threw them away and went on a 10 day vacation and had asked her to return the key to my apt. When I returned, I was shocked to find the keep under my door mat. I was shocked she actually returned it and feel that was her way of saying good bye. I have not wanted to lose her and have been good about not contacting her at all for 25 days now. She has not contacted me as well. The last contact we had she had told me she was confused and started having doubts such as "is he really the one?" and quoted saying she "was panicking". I told her that I hope she finds what she is looking for in this life and in someone as well as to please not contact me in 6 months once she realized she has made a mistake. I have written her a hand written card/letter stating I understand and respect her decision and have had to digest and understand breaking up and taking time was not easy, but necessary. Also, I am open and willing to work from a clean slate if she is. I have not delivered said letter and am wondering if this is a good idea to send to her or not.

 

Thank you,

[Blue Ridge]

I would not. 30 days is awfully early, since she needed space. Give it 90 and see where you both are.

[Wiseman2]

I would reread it as much as you need to, but refrain from sending it. It comes off as redundant (since you already broke up exchanged stuff,etc.) as well as clingy.

I have written her a hand written card/letter stating I understand and respect her decision and have had to digest and understand breaking up and taking time was not easy, but necessary. Also, I am open and willing to work from a clean slate if she is. I have not delivered said letter and am wondering if this is a good idea to send to her or not

[pippy longstocking]

I suggest you just accept it is over and walk away .

[Hollyj]

Nothing has changed. You will return to the same problems.

 

Unless, you are both willing to work with a professional to deal with your issues, then I would think it would be over.

[gebaird]

She originally told me she needed space and would like time away and I refused as I believed that is not how you solve issues in relationships.

 

Yes, some relationship issues require sticking it out through the tough stuff -- but when your partner says, "I need time away," perhaps you should consider listening to her.

 

... she came back and apologized verbally but I felt as if it was a "lip service" apology as she was still not giving me the "attention" or showing me she was sorry.

 

This sentence makes you sound a little demanding/high-maintenance, but not knowing the full situation I can't be certain if you were asking for something reasonable or not.

 

We fought for about 6 weeks ...

 

That sounds absolutely miserable, for all involved.

 

Also, I am open and willing to work from a clean slate

 

You may think the slate is clean, but the two of you have a tumultuous history. It takes tremendous self-command to create new patterns once a negative way of being together has been established.

 

... as to please not contact me in 6 months once she realized she has made a mistake.

 

This seems like an awfully arrogant thing to say.

 

I have not delivered said letter and am wondering if this is a good idea to send to her or not.

 

Your relationship consisted of passion, heat, conflict, demands, and fights. It collapsed under its own weight. If you want more of this, then by all means send the letter. She is free to return to you if she wishes, and could certainly have contacted you by now if she wanted to.

 

I think it might be best to let her go and look for a relationship filled with laughter, freedom, kindness, joy, gentleness, peace, growth and understanding. Seek the kind of person who can help you create a relationship like that, and also work to become that kind of person if you are not already.

[Webb0108]

Ive been no contact for 40 something odd days now and want to contact my ex..i wrote a letter and all that but decided not to send as didnt want to make anything worse or hurt her in anyway..we have kids buts i still dont see or talk to her...i just realised if she wants to come back she knows where i am its her that dumped me i tried reach out in the beggining of the break up so dont think its me that needs to now...im getting there i still love her and miss her alot but feel better every day about it..dunno how ill feel on the 27th aug as it would of been our 11th year anniversary but ill deal with that when that day comes..

[catfeeder]

No, especially after you've exhausted someone, it makes no sense to prematurely negotiate.

 

Think of the relief you feel when leaving a dentist's office after a difficult procedure. There wouldn't be a shot in hell that you'd voluntarily go back for more any time soon unless and until you felt inclined on your own.

 

That's essentially what you're asking of her. A month is hardly long enough to get past the dismal feelings of demands and complaints. Allow her the time and space to relax and think of you fondly someday. If she wants to contact you then, she knows how.

 

I'd trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll meet again on higher ground someday. But you'll both need make the private climb to that place on your own. It will need to be a completely new relationship between two people who have grown into new people, but that won't work if one has let go and grown while the other stagnates and hovers.

 

So instead, I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this. I'd focus on creating a new life for myself. It's your percentage play. It will either lead you back to one another at some point, or it will grow you forward to find the right person for you.

 

Head high.