Is my relationship coming to an end?

[Joe 19]

Okay so I've been with my girlfriend over 18 months now and she is the first girl I've been with I can honestly say I love and all that sort of stuff and she says it back. But recently we've hit a rough patch and wanting to know whether from an outside point of view if we are coming to an end and also if she's avoiding being with me.

 

We're both in uni and that's where we met, we don't live far away and getting to each other is easy when we are home. We spent a fair amount a time together at uni, maybe 3/4 times a week on dates or hanging out or whatever.

 

So over the summer we agreed to meet as much as possible. The first few weeks we didn't meet to spend time with family, friends etc. Then after that I would always be the one going up to see her on weekends (as we both worked in the week) and even though I offered for her to come down (as did my family) she wouldn't ever come down to see me or my family, I was always the one going up to her (1hr train journey).

 

In the middle of the summer holidays I went on a family holiday abroad and she was invited by my family to come along. She said she couldn't as was on holiday herself which is fair enough. About 2 weeks after she said no to me she got invited to a festival with her friends on the exact same week but she said yes to them and went to the festival instead of her own family holiday.

 

After we both got back from our holidays we were going to meet up at mine for a few days. At this point I haven't seen her in a month/month and a half or so. But a week before we were due to meet she told me she couldn't come down any more, so we couldn't meet up. She didn't really give me a reason for this only that her mum wanted her at home.

 

At the end of the summer holidays I was invited by her family to go camping, (at this point I hadn't seen her in about 2 months maybe just under) I agreed to it but then she got invited by her friends to go for a few days away and basically get drunk with a lot of people and I wasn't invited by her so couldn't go.

 

Also the whole time I haven't seen her, the conversations we've had over phone text or whatever aren't how they normally are and she often takes some time to reply.

 

She often says that she misses me and she wants to meet up with me again but is she trying to avoid spending time with me or my family or whatever? And is my relationship healthy or coming to an end?

 

Constructive comments only

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Being busy with family friends and other activities over the summer holidays is what people on break from uni do. Just communicate with her about it.

She often says that she misses me and she wants to meet up with me again but is she trying to avoid spending time with me or my family or whatever?

[gebaird]

You've been with her 18 months - what was last summer like? Were you always together or was she busy then, too? It might be hard to make a good comparison because the relationship was new last summer and now it's not. Have you ever been with a girl this long? Has she ever been in a long-term relationship? Anyone can fall in love and stay in love for a while, but as a relationship progresses it becomes less about "falling" and more about "trying." Making the transition from "automatic love" to "we have to work at it" can be challenging for some.

 

Is she the kind of person who has a hard time saying no to invites from friends/family? It could be that she really wants to be with you, but doesn't want to disappoint the people around her and feels torn. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to fit you in to her home life/routine. I'd let her enjoy the rest of the summer and hope for better things in the fall. When uni starts back up you'll have your answer. Hopefully the two of you will be close again.

[Hollyj]

I think that this is done. Only look at people's actions. Her's indicate that you are not a priority.

[Joe 19]

Last summer like you said was new and we didn't have family holidays planned etc so we saw more of each other! Most weekends and we alternated where we went frequently. Some weekends we didn't see each other because obviously still need to see friends/family as well and balance everything in.

 

I have been in a long term relationship before but in secondary school and it wasn't like this relationship in terms of feelings and the same with her. We both broke up before we started uni (we didn't know each other before) and then met half way through the year and got talking and realised we had loads in common etc and it went from there.

 

If she really doesn't want to do something she will make that clear but if she doesn't mind she would go with whatever the majority is anyway. But that being said it confuses me as to why she can so no to me about going on a holiday with me and my family (she has met them lots of times and it isn't awkward or anything between them) because of her holiday but say yes to her friends and not go on her family trip anyway.

 

Thank you for your response.

[Joe 19]

That is exactly my thoughts and I do feel second best and have said this.

I think that this is done. Only look at people's actions. Her's indicate that you are not a priority.

[Blue Ridge]

My inclination would be to put distance between the two of you. Just do so from a place of respect for her feelings, not as punishment. She's pulling away, no matter the reason, so give her space. This may facilitate growing apart, but if it does, it was probably inevitable anyway. It also might give her time to reflect, and realize she misses you and that you make her happy. If there's one thing that life has taught me (and this message board reaffirms daily) it's that trying to get closer to someone pulling away never works. I wish you the best, and hope you can keep your head up while going through this.

[skytrain]

Last summer you were in the "honey moon stage". It was new, the relationship was exciting.

 

You probably are past that point now and summer is busy. The best way to deal with this is to talk to her about it. Explain you feel some withdrawing from her and some distance. She may be missing her friends and family as she may not see them as much during the year