Should I be annoyed?

[Abraxas]

Should I be annoyed

 

I dated this girl for five months but she broke up with me saying ‘’she wasn’t sexually attracted’’ (whatever that means). I feel like I’ve been led on from day 1 by someone who didn’t think I was physically attractive. I’m okay if a girl doesn’t like me (it happens) but to be led on for five months is quite hurtful.

 

The thing is, though, she is a very conservative girl and doesn’t sleep around. Before me, she went on 16 dates with other people and the most that happened between her and her respective dates was a kiss. I was the first she dated in terms of a relationship since her last boyfriend she broke up with a year ago.

 

By the third date we kissed; by the fifth date she texted me to go to her house to seal the deal. We had sex. The date after that she was in my city and she dragged me into a hotel and we had sex. The next date after that we had sex at her place. Same again the following week. This process continues.

 

A week or two before she dumps me she looked into my eyes and smiled and said ‘’this is going really well.’’ We spend a couple of days together and have sex. After these couple of days, she told me after the breakup that ‘’something switched in my head and I realised I wasn’t sexually attracted to you.’’

 

I see her at her place (I don’t know that her head has switched at this point). She say’s ‘’ we have no future and she doesn’t want to lead me on but doesn’t want to break up.’’ I threaten to leave and then she pleads me not to leave and she snogs my face off. Later that night she gives me a hand job (she’s on her period).

 

The following week she dumps me. I’m confused because I thought having sex, oral sex and kissing was a sign that someone thought you were physically attractive and liked you. Even after her outburst that she was ''leading me on,'' she regularly kissed me quite passionately. There was never any hesitation. She kissed me more than I would kiss her.

 

What should I make of this? Did she find physically attractive? Is there a difference between sexual attraction and physical attractiveness? I just feel annoyed. Why did she date me if she wasn’t that attracted to me? I didn’t force her.

[mustlovedogs]

She may just be over the relationship and be saying that. Whatever her reason, it doesn't matter.

[charity]

Yeah it's strange behaviour and yeah I'd be annoyed/confused. But so be it, some people are strange. No need to contact her about it though.

[gebaird]

Was there more to this relationship than sex? I sure as hell wouldn't have regular intercourse with someone I didn't find sexually attractive. I wonder if there is more to the story that she isn't telling you, like another guy or something. The girl spent 5 months leading you on and dropped you overnight. Very, very uncool. I would honestly feel used. She's sounds young and rather inexperienced, perhaps she thinks love is only about sparks and sex, and once the chemicals began to fade she decided she was done? I think there's got to be more going on here, but you may never know. Either way, I wouldn't blame yourself -- you did your part. She's doing you a favor by setting you free from her crazy.

[ControlDenied]

Yes you should be annoyed for wasting so much time thinking about this.

 

This relationship is done. There is more fish in the ocean.

 

The moral of the story it should be: the first time a girl gives you a sign that she lost interest. She needs to go!. Don't play the entretainer role. Her happyness is not your job. Many women love to play this game.

 

If she lost interest, it is her loss. You move on with your life to bigger and better things.

[Abraxas]

She isn't young and inexperienced. She's 33 and a doctor earning lots of money. I could expect this from a twenty year old.

 

She phoned and chased me every day for 5 months. She also kept arranging dates and events for us to go to as a couple.

 

I never knew people's feelings could change so quickly. I mean, she must be thought I was physically attractive, right? Not only did she waste 5 months of my time but she wasted 5 months of her precious draining fertility.

 

She's very physically attractive, and told me she gets inundated with date requests online. Before she met me she went on two a week, if possible - so it's not like she was desperate.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like this was the real reason...some sort of incompatibility

‘’ we have no future and she doesn’t want to lead me on but doesn’t want to break up.’’

[charity]

Please don't take it personally....She clearly is the strange one in this situation. You will never know what went on in her head.

[Abraxas]

She said there was No future because of no sexual attraction. And then she snoggef my face off. I thought she was just being emotional as she was on her period. So after she kissed me passionately I concluded that actions spoke louder than words. This wasn't a sign of finding someone unattractive.

[LadyRayne]

If I had to guess I'd say there's another guy involved sorry... either that or someone who has no idea what they want and wants to keep shopping around. The not sexually attracted thing may just be a get out of jail free card easier to say that than I found someone new or I'm bored with you

[Abraxas]

Please don't take it personally....She clearly is the strange one in this situation. You will never know what went on in her head.

 

You're right but I feel so rejected and humiliated. I wouldn't be so if there was relationship issues or mistreatment.

[Abraxas]

If I had to guess I'd say there's another guy involved sorry... either that or someone who has no idea what they want and wants to keep shopping around. The not sexually attracted thing may just be a get out of jail free card easier to say that than I found someone new or I'm bored with you

 

Maybe. Most people say another guy could be involved. Except she was reluctant to end the relationship and I forced her to make a decision as she didn't want to break up. But I didn't want to hang around or be with someone lukewarm and undecided about me.

 

I find it hard to think she's crazy considering her occupational status. But maybe she is a little unhinged.

[ControlDenied]

If I had to guess I'd say there's another guy involved sorry... either that or someone who has no idea what they want and wants to keep shopping around. The not sexually attracted thing may just be a get out of jail free card easier to say that than I found someone new or I'm bored with you

 

I agree with this. You failed to make it sexual for her. Likely there is someone else who made it more sexually exciting for her. It has nothing to do with your looks, it has to do as to how you led her in the bedroom.

[nutbrownhare]

You just need to accept that she didn't want a relationship with you... and move on, for your own sanity. Turning over and over as to whether she DID find you sexually attractive but then downplayed it = she was wrong = she shouldn't have ended the relationship will do you no favours. The more you ponder whether she was unhinged/immature/was using you, the more you'll be bound to her emotionally; unfortunately, strong negative emotions maintain the connection as strongly as strong positive ones do, and you just need to let the whole thing drop.

 

Go and find yourself another lovely lady whose attraction to you is beyond doubt!

[Abraxas]

You just need to accept that she didn't want a relationship with you... and move on, for your own sanity. Turning over and over as to whether she DID find you sexually attractive but then downplayed it = she was wrong = she shouldn't have ended the relationship will do you no favours. The more you ponder whether she was unhinged/immature/was using you, the more you'll be bound to her emotionally; unfortunately, strong negative emotions maintain the connection as strongly as strong positive ones do, and you just need to let the whole thing drop.

 

Go and find yourself another lovely lady whose attraction to you is beyond doubt!

 

I know you're right in what you say. That is beyond doubt. I just think the whole thing is kind of ludicrous. No one would date someone that they didn't find physically attractive unless they were extremely desperate. It bothers me because I don't know what to make of it because it is what derailed the relationship. The relationship was going really well. She asked to meet my family (which she did) and I met her sister and friends. And then from saying 'this is going really well' to basically waking up and breaking up. It's the turning from '' i really like you'' to the '' i can't imagine sleeping with you'' that bothers me.

[annie24]

Maybe she just wanted to see if the attraction would grow overtime? If you're a decent guy, good looking, good job, maybe she was hoping that the chemistry would happen over time? 5 months is a long time, I agree. It sucks but time to move on....

 

PS - I had a guy tell me after 3 months that he "didn't feel the spark." So.... I guess it happens.

[KCam0101]

It is very possible to be physically attracted to someone and not be sexually attracted to them. You can like the way they look, dress, carry themselves, but not be sexually compatible with them. I think thats whats happening here. She doesn't feel like you both are sexually compatible. She stayed 5 months to give it time, but at 33 she doesn't want to waste too much time knowing that its a dealbreaker for her...it sucks because she knows you're a great guy and wishes there was compatibility there, but she knows its not...she's torn because of it...thats why you get the hot/cold behavior...

[Abraxas]

Maybe she just wanted to see if the attraction would grow overtime? If you're a decent guy, good looking, good job, maybe she was hoping that the chemistry would happen over time? 5 months is a long time, I agree. It sucks but time to move on....

 

PS - I had a guy tell me after 3 months that he "didn't feel the spark." So.... I guess it happens.

 

What does '' didn't feel the spark'' mean? No sexual attraction? Did you feel the 'spark?'

 

This girl told me there was 'no spark,' and that with her previous boyfriend it was ''sparky'' even when they were arguing.

 

So I'm starting to think ''no spark'' and ''no sexual attraction'' are probably the same thing - meaning no ''infatuation'' (i.e. the first stage to a romantic relationship). I didn't feel any 'spark' or infatuation, but I liked the stability of emotions. Sometimes It felt dead, very briefly, but before you know it it's fun again.

 

So in that case, with '' no butterflies or anxiety'' or ''thrill'' I wasn't sexually attracted to her either?

 

Either way, I'm still feeling pain.

[Abraxas]

It is very possible to be physically attracted to someone and not be sexually attracted to them. You can like the way they look, dress, carry themselves, but not be sexually compatible with them. I think thats whats happening here. She doesn't feel like you both are sexually compatible. She stayed 5 months to give it time, but at 33 she doesn't want to waste too much time knowing that its a dealbreaker for her...it sucks because she knows you're a great guy and wishes there was compatibility there, but she knows its not...she's torn because of it...thats why you get the hot/cold behavior...

 

Thanks for this. It's Quite possible. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she kept saying '' I don't know. There's nothing that bad.'' In hindsight I thought it might be because she didn't want to hurt me. But maybe she was genuinely unsure.

[KCam0101]

Thanks for this. It's Quite possible. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she kept saying '' I don't know. There's nothing that bad.'' In hindsight I thought it might be because she didn't want to hurt me. But maybe she was genuinely unsure.

 

Yeah, I think she's torn. I think she feels for you and it not sure if its worth giving up on you because the that incompatibility, but she knows what her needs and dealbreakers are. She's worried she may regret it down the line. As honest as she was about you guys being sexually incompatible, if she really wanted to break up she would have told you, because it takes brutal honesty to tell someone you have no sexual attraction to them...I've been in her position...she's definitely torn because she doesn't want to let what may be a good thing go...

[Abraxas]

Yeah, I think she's torn. I think she feels for you and it not sure if its worth giving up on you because the that incompatibility, but she knows what her needs and dealbreakers are. She's worried she may regret it down the line. As honest as she was about you guys being sexually incompatible, if she really wanted to break up she would have told you, because it takes brutal honesty to tell someone you have no sexual attraction to them...I've been in her position...she's definitely torn because she doesn't want to let what may be a good thing go...

 

When I asked her why she wasn't ''sexually attracted'' she did mention sexual incompatibility (not in those words) and some ''behaviour'' (whatever that meant) on the phone. But when I sought closure she said she ''wasn't feeling it. The sparks.'' I said that ''sparks'' or ''infatuation'' only last a year - we were very compatible and always had a great time together. She used to mention that she never had so much fun before. That's when she said ''Sparks was her nice way of saying she wasn't sexually attracted to me.'' This really caught me off guard because I assumed 'sparks' wasn't related to physical attractiveness considering all the oral and penetrative sex we had - and the fact that we were in a relationship. Then she apologised that she wasn't sexually attracted. I asked her why she dated someone she wasn't sexually attracted to? And she replied because she was infatuated (not romantic infatuation but ''deep like'') with me. But I was still confused because she wasn't infatuated on the first date, and within minutes you know whether you find someone sexually attractive or not - we then proceeded to have a sexual relationship.

[KCam0101]

When I asked her why she wasn't ''sexually attracted'' she did mention sexual incompatibility (not in those words) and some ''behaviour'' (whatever that meant) on the phone. But when I sought closure she said she ''wasn't feeling it. The sparks.'' I said that ''sparks'' or ''infatuation'' only last a year - we were very compatible and always had a great time together. She used to mention that she never had so much fun before. That's when she said ''Sparks was her nice way of saying she wasn't sexually attracted to me.'' This really caught me off guard because I assumed 'sparks' wasn't related to physical attractiveness considering all the oral and penetrative sex we had - and the fact that we were in a relationship. Then she apologised that she wasn't sexually attracted. I asked her why she dated someone she wasn't sexually attracted to? And she replied because she was infatuated (not romantic infatuation but ''deep like'') with me. But I was still confused because she wasn't infatuated on the first date, and within minutes you know whether you find someone sexually attractive or not - we then proceeded to have a sexual relationship.

 

Yep, she feels like you guys aren't sexually compatible. As good of a guy as you may be, that could cause problems down the road and she knows that. Sure at first you'll know if you're PHYSICALLY attracted to someone, but won't know if you're sexually attracted to them until you actually sleep with them. She stayed that long because she really liked you. Sex is very important and alot of ppl act like its not...but it is because its how you connect and bond, so you have to be compatible in that area for a lasting relationship. Just know though, there's definitely a woman out here who will be crazy about you!!!

[Wiseman2]

There's no point bothering to get annoyed. Who knows, she got flaky and wants to play the field, whatever.

 

You know 95% of breakup reasons are BS anyway, right? And they classically have this contradictory tone anyway...you know.."we were meant for each other, but we just can't be together".

When I asked her why she wasn't ''sexually attracted'' she did mention sexual incompatibility (not in those words) and some ''behaviour'' (whatever that meant) on the phone

[Abraxas]

Thanks for all your replies, guys. It's really been appreciated. They've all been really insightful.

 

I think I've been mixing up physical attraction with sexual attraction, as most internet searches and in most people's lexicon they seem to be synonymous terms. But now I understand that you can be physically attracted to someone, but that doesn't necessary translate into sexual desire, whether you're having sex or not. Sexual attraction, though, is a chemical, hormonal thing and lasts one year (google: 'romantic love lasts one year') but maybe there's genetic reasons why someone is 'romantically' attracted to one person rather than another. I guess, then, we were genetically incompatible, despite the initial physical and sexual attraction. Thus it fizzled.

 

Still. I can remember some really, really good times that make me question whether sexual attraction is necessary. You can still be 'turned on' without sexual attraction. It just means there's no overwhelming desire at the start, as in 'infatuation.'

[annie24]

What does '' didn't feel the spark'' mean? No sexual attraction? Did you feel the 'spark?'

 

This girl told me there was 'no spark,' and that with her previous boyfriend it was ''sparky'' even when they were arguing.

 

So I'm starting to think ''no spark'' and ''no sexual attraction'' are probably the same thing - meaning no ''infatuation'' (i.e. the first stage to a romantic relationship). I didn't feel any 'spark' or infatuation, but I liked the stability of emotions. Sometimes It felt dead, very briefly, but before you know it it's fun again.

 

So in that case, with '' no butterflies or anxiety'' or ''thrill'' I wasn't sexually attracted to her either?

 

Either way, I'm still feeling pain.

 

I don't know either - that's what he told me - no spark. I don't know what that mean to him - if he didn't feel butterflies or he wasn't attracted to me or what. I guess there's no point in beating yourself up over something that you can't really "improve."