jaded-advice needed!!

[allison feeney]

hi all, im wondering if any of you can help me with my dilemma, because right now i cant see the wood for the trees!

Where do i start... In short ive been seeing a guy on and off for a year, he seems to like me but theres been about four ocassions on which he has just stopped contacting me for a matter of weeks only to contact me again like nothing was wrong. I made it clear what i wanted from him, a real relationship, bit he always just says 'lets keep going and see how things go' i recently blocked all contact with him and started moving on and after about a month he got back in touch ( this would be about three weeks ago now) asking to see me again. Saying he misses me, etc. Im in such a horrible situation because i genuinely feel a lot for him and i tell him but he never says the same back, although he acts keen to see me etc. Ive poured my heart out many times but he has never turned round and said anything to suggest that he feels the same. When i ask though he will always say obviously i like u or why would i be making all this effort to see you. My wondering is though, has he just been using me for sex all this time, or does he genuinely like me....

So He is back again trying to get me back and saying all the right things like he wants to talk to me properly, etc and wants to meet up again but i dont know if this is just because its convenient for him, has he decided he genuinely likes me and wants this too? Or am i being naive and its a case of he only wants hme when he cant have me ?The other night indecide to call his bluff- i said to him that i do not want a casual thing any more, that i am looking for more, and that i wont settle for something casual and wishy washy. I text and said to him 'do u want more?' To which his reply was 'yeah i think i could, ive been thinking about you a lot recently and im not just after casual sex'.since then he has said that he really wants to see me, and has came out and told me that the reason nothing happened before is because his ex was tryin to stop him seeing his children and he couldnt focus on anything else due to worry about that, and it just wasnt the right time to be seeing anyone.He said that he took her to court and everything has settled down now so he is able to concentrate on other things now. Incould understand if this was the case, but i still dont see this as an excuse to treat someone the way he treated me. Why not just say that it wasnt the right time?i asked him when this whole thing with the ex was settled, and he said back in march. Yet there have been times since then that he treated me like this- back in may i first told him i wanted more, and was he just with me for the physical side of things, to which he replied no, but then the next morning sent me a message saying how much he couldnt wait to get to bed with me. We spoke a few nights ago and he said he wants to give things a go properly and that i am a great girl, the kind he wants to be with. He does sound genuine now but There has been so many times in the past i hve felt like a total mess from being messed around by him - a couple of examples i can give you are - for instance we went on a day out , had dinner and a few drinks, had a nice time, yet when it came to the end of the night and i said i was ready to go home and he went in a mood because i wouldnt stay over - and ended up shutting a door in my face. Also- there have been a few times where he hasnt bothered to text me back yet has called me at 3am or sent a text asking to come up and see me at that time. Its messing with my head that he keeps coming back and being so nice . However, im afraid to go back there much as i like him incase the past replays itself and i i feel used again. I just cant seem to break this cycle. Part of me really has feelings for him. But part of me feels so jaded after a year of this carry on that this whole thing has lost its sparkle for me slightly. Part of me wants to believe he wants to make a go of it, but the other half says why should i give in now that he has decided he is ready (if indeed he is) for something more, after how i was treated.

I dont know if he understands how hurt i have felt from everything thats gone on before. Any time i have asked him about whats happening with us previously he has avoided the topic or it has turned into an arguement, yet now he seems to want to be seeing each other properly? Please help! I will take any advice, as you can tell i am so mixed up from this big old mess but i cant seem to let go completely for some frustrating reason! Sorry for writing a novel! Thanks x

[Wiseman2]

This is understandable, he has not shown any consistent stable effort. Frequent disappearances and breakups are never a good sign and take their toll as you aptly describe.

 

It only becomes on/off if you let it by taking him back. Maybe it's better to cut your losses than feel like some guy's yo-yo?

I just cant seem to break this cycle. Part of me really has feelings for him. But part of me feels so jaded after a year of this carry on that this whole thing has lost its sparkle for me slightly.

[gebaird]

Actions speak louder than words. He says the right things, but doesn't do them. He tells you he doesn't just want you for sex, then he acts like a guy who just wants you for sex. He's obviously a very poor communicator (why couldn't he tell you about the situation with his ex and his kids while it was happening?) and he is likely spending time with other women--which is why he disappears for long periods of time with no explanation. Perhaps they all told him to go away, which is why he is now showing more interest in you. I think a quick way to determine his true intentions would be to tell him "no more sex" and see how long he sticks around. My guess is he won't come back. You have a year of history with this guy and he clearly hasn't met your needs. Slamming a door in your face, ignoring you, using you. You can keep telling yourself, "Maybe this time will be different," but eventually you'll stop believing it. The decision seems simple from the outside, but I know it feels different when you are the one in the situation. I'd let him go and look for someone who consistently treats you well, from the day the relationship starts through every difficulty. You deserve a man who not only says he will commit to you, but who actually shows you by his actions that he means it.

[tattoobunnie]

Don't worry about the novel - but paragraphs do help.

 

He only wants you now because he can't have you.

 

And you are no one's doormat. Keep blocking him, and never look back.

[efftheworld]

There's a book/movie, called He's Just Not That Into You.

 

This is a classic case.

 

Stop. Drop. Roll on. Seriously. It's hard as hell, believe me I know.

[1a1a]

'i think I could' seems so lukewarm. I think you deserve way more conviction from your partner.

 

What does a good relationship look like to you, and to him? Do the two align? (if you give him one last chance)

[rayfutz]

My wondering is though, has he just been using me for sex all this time, or does he genuinely like me....

 

Ive never understood this line people use. Did he rape you? Or did you consent? I mean.. if you are having sex with him, then you are in it too.

 

Want to find out what he is in it for? Stop having sex with the guy!! Just don't have sex with him for a while and see how he reacts. See how he talks. Ask him questions you really wanted to know during this time. You will know. It will come out of his woodwork really fast if you hold off on something you think he might be only around for. Don't you want to know?

[greta96]

Did you by any chance post this recently under a different name? It sounds very familiar...

If it wasn't you, you may want to read around this forum, there was another case identical to yours, and my advice to that poster was that although it was obvious the guy wasn't into her, if she really wanted to make sure all she had to do was watch his actions and not have sex with him for a few months. If at the end of those months he was still around and acting like a boyfriend, great, if not...you know. Same advice applies to you.

[katrina1980]

 

In short ive been seeing a guy on and off for a year, he seems to like me but theres been about four ocassions on which he has just stopped contacting me for a matter of weeks only to contact me again like nothing was wrong. I made it clear what i wanted from him, a real relationship, bit he always just says 'lets keep going and see how things go' i recently blocked all contact with him and started moving on and after about a month he got back in touch ( this would be about three weeks ago now) asking to see me again.

 

How could he have gotten back in touch with you if you blocked him?

 

Obviously you unblocked him, but why?

 

He is either severely commitment phobe or he's playing games.... take your pick.

 

Neither sound too promising.

 

We could all trash him until hell freezes over.... bottom line is why are YOU allowing this? For a year no less. That's the better question to ask.

 

That my dear, is on YOU.

 

If a man I was involved with/sexual with, disappeared on me for weeks with no explanation... that is a dealbreaker..... NEXT!

 

Set higher standards for yourself and choose wisely.

 

Had you nexted him after the FIRST time he disappeared on you...you wouldn't be feeling like such crap right now.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt but it boggles my mind how some women choose to STAY in these types of dysfunctional and hurtful situations, only to remain miserable and complain about them later.

 

Wish him well and walk away. No drama, no histrionics... just buh bye and move on.

[indea08]

OMG what a CREEP!! You're not a vagina, you're a PERSON. That's awful what you're letting him do to you. He's saying just enough to keep you around for a lay when he needs one. Tell him you're done being his flesh-light. God, some men are disgusting.

[katrina1980]

OMG what a CREEP!! You're not a vagina, you're a PERSON. That's awful what you're letting him do to you. He's saying just enough to keep you around for a lay when he needs one. Tell him you're done being his flesh-light.

 

God, some men are disgusting.

 

Only because women allow them to be.

 

If women didn't continue to tolerate this crap....then more men would be stepping up to the plate and acting like decent human beings.

 

We teach people how to treat us. Not with our words but with our actions.

 

And what we will, or will not, tolerate.

[allison feeney]

Thank you for your advice everyone I appreciate it. I understand everyone's point of view, and am greatful for the blunt advice aswell.also I will have a look at other people's posts wi similar problems as well thank you.i realise now that I should have broken this off the very first time he did this. I honestly don't know in hindsight how I let this go on as long, I guess I really did like the guy.looking back now, I know I should have nipped this in the bud before now.

The last couple of days he has been calling me and making an effort , and sounds genuine but I think there will be part of me that just always doubts this after all that has went on, it's such an annoying feeling because the part of you who still cares for the person worries about letting go, but there's part of you that can't let go of the hurt they caused you.maybe it is time to let go.

 

I keep asking myself if he could have genuinely changed at this stage In the game. But then I think a real genuine relationship with the one wouldn't take a year to take off.

[allison feeney]

Also...god knows why but part of me is worried I break it off, and then regret it 🙄🙄

[greta96]

Also...god knows why but part of me is worried I break it off, and then regret it

 

But you don't necessarily need to break it off!

Why not go on real dates with him (and by real dates I mean nothing involving "Netflix and chill" or anything bedroom-related), say no to any type of sexual activity and watch his actions over say 6 months? Given your history and if he has really changed, he should completely understand your position and won't whine about the lack of sex. If he is still around at the end of those 6 months and is acting like a boyfriend, then you can give him another chance and you can resume your sexual relationship as well.

 

This is the only way to know if he means what he says. 6 months without sex hasn't killed anyone to date, and it is the ONLY tool you possess to verify his intentions. Any slip to the old pattern will just give you the same old results, you will be a f*ck buddy he will disappear on the moment he becomes interested in another woman.

[tattoobunnie]

But you don't necessarily need to break it off!

 

Once he gets what he wants, even after a few months, he'll still go back to being a dirtbag to her. She's a conquest for him time and time again.

[greta96]

Once he gets what he wants, even after a few months, he'll still go back to being a dirtbag to her. She's a conquest for him time and time again.

 

That's certainly a possibility, I 'm just going on the premise that 95% of the time a player would get bored and tired of actually having to put in an effort if he doesn't get anything in return. It's not always the case though unfortunately.