The Story of My Divorce and Journey Toward Indifference

[jmt6015]

I have been inspired by others threads here on ENA to document my journey through the most difficult, emotional and mind altering time of my life. The journaling is therapeutic and my hope is that someone earlier on in their journey may benefit from reading what I have already gone through.

 

I (33y/o) met my now ex-wife (32 y/o) in January 2008 and I have never seen a more beautiful woman. We had instant chemistry, connection, attraction. I truly believe we had as close as one can get to love at first site. We fell madly in love despite our many differences and got engaged after 3 amazing years together. Our wedding and honeymoon contained some of the best moments of my adult life. I have always been a bit pessimistic but this woman made me glow with optimism, happiness, contentment. For a few years there I couldn't have been happier with myself or my girl/fiancé/wife. She was all I needed in a woman and my eyes never wandered in 8 years of the relationship. We became best friends, confidants, lovers, man and wife. There were no shortage of external pressures such as distance from family, career demands, long term life goal differences. The "spark" began to fade and the monotony/reality of a long term relationship sank in. We had struggles like everyone does but even though I didn't express my affection to her like I should... The emotion ran as deep as ever just under the surface. I felt us drifting apart. I felt the excitement dull. I knew things weren't the same but still I loved her more than any human on this earth. I knew we weren't quite happy at that time in our lives but thought we had something special. I always just knew we would work together to remain happily married forever.

In her eyes things must have been far worse than in mine. January 2016 -> While on vacation with my family she drops the first bomb over the phone. "We need to talk... I don't know if I love you anymore!" DEVASTATING. I flew home the next morning and put together every single small thing I loved about her into the notes section of my iPhone. I still had such strong emotions that just weren't being expressed properly. The world had beaten me down and I had emotionally neglected the person most important to me. Long story short this was the beginning of the end. Only more devastatingly painful words would be spoken to me after this point regardless of what I did or said. She was not interested in marriage counseling. She was not interested in trial separation. She wanted a divorce and seemingly the sooner the better.

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”. “How would a counselor help if I don’t love you anymore?” “ I have had more passion for boyfriends in the past.” “ I would rather try with a stranger than the new & improved version of yourself.” “ You just don’t know how to make me happy.” “ I think if I stayed it would be settling and there must be more than this out there.” “ Even if there isn’t anything more… I’m not ready to settle.” For those of you who have heard words like these from your most intimate partner I empathize. I felt like a gutted fish. My heart was ripped out of my chest as I dropped to my knees in agony, shock and horror. She wanted out of the marriage badly, I think she would have become unfaithful if she stayed any longer.

I fought, I rode the emotional highs and lows. I went to a counselor. I read marriage self help books, books on improving your life. I worked out hard everyday and got in the best shape of my life. I set and broke no contact multiple times. I swallowed pride and confessed unconditional love. I was weak and emotional at times but tried to keep my self respect. I pleaded but never begged. I tried to keep my head held high and remained as loving, noble, and honorable as one can be with a broken heart. I loved her enough to let her go. I wrote heartfelt goodbyes and thank-yous to her family. I didn’t contest or fight the divorce. I gave her exactly what she wanted. I moved out in a week or so into a new condo. The divorce was finalized (May 2016). I found a new job across the country back home and left unceremoniously. I left Florida was in (July 2016) and LC went to strict No Contact. I blocked her phone number. I blocked Facebook of her and anyone that might post about her. I deleted all digital photos and boxed everything that reminded me of her. I basically started a completely new life as if she truly had died.

I have enjoyed my time back home with family and friends. I have started golfing more frequently and wake surfing. I have sky dived, scuba dived, yoga, karaoked, traveled, made new friends. Read The Noticer, 5 Love Languages, Men are from Mars, How to Make Friends and Influence People, Miracle Morning, countless articles, forums, threads. I work out 5-6 times a week, eat healthy and try to avoid excessive alcohol. I’m trying to use the pain as fuel to improve myself and my life. To rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my marriage.

I am 6 months from when the initial bombs dropped and can only give so much advice and insight at this time. I will however continue to post for myself and anyone who may follow my thread. I have learned that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I learned that once a person has made up their mind emotionally the game is usually over no matter what you do. They've been struggling with the decision likely longer than you could imagine. Realization of a futile attempt at reconciliation is all important and will save you from more pain, more lost pride and self respect. Strict and early No Contact is unbelievably helpful to clear your mind, gain objectivity and begin healing. Read and understand what breadcrumbs are, walk away spouse syndrome, GIGS. These things may help with your understanding and acceptance. I feel for all of you that can relate to my story. This is the first time I have had my heart broken and my overall compassion and empathy have increased exponentially. Take care ENA community.

[carmen1131]

What are bread crumbs ?

[jmt6015]

 

 

Breadcrumbs are generally small seemingly superficial comments or bits of contact an ex will send you that really have no deeper meaning. When coming from a dumper to dumpee however they can be dangerous and delay healing. Small comments that if taken literally have not much depth but when overanalyzed for hidden messages / deeper meaning can cause false hope / thoughts of reconciliation. Can be used as a tactic to string an ex along or can be completely subconscious. When you are desperate following a breakup you will take the breadcrumb bc you are so "hungry" for that affection/connection but in reality you will never get the whole loaf of bread. It is good to know when you are being led along by breadcrumbs or if you are doing the leading. Hope that helps.

[Wile E Coyote]

much respect for sharing your story. i look forward to reading more of this journey.

[theanongirl89]

I can't wait to read more, update when you can Stay strong, you are doing great.

[rich46]

 

Breadcrumbs are generally small seemingly superficial comments or bits of contact an ex will send you that really have no deeper meaning. When coming from a dumper to dumpee however they can be dangerous and delay healing. Small comments that if taken literally have not much depth but when overanalyzed for hidden messages / deeper meaning can cause false hope / thoughts of reconciliation. Can be used as a tactic to string an ex along or can be completely subconscious. When you are desperate following a breakup you will take the breadcrumb bc you are so "hungry" for that affection/connection but in reality you will never get the whole loaf of bread. It is good to know when you are being led along by breadcrumbs or if you are doing the leading. Hope that helps.

Exactly, and hence why NC is a must in order to avoid such breadcrumbs.

 

Good to read this. You have done all the right things that should be done post-break up, and to say how sudden this all came about, I think you are in great shape just six months down the road.

[jmt6015]

An old friend of mine accidentally posted a picture of my ex-wife and I from her 2012 wedding on Facebook. Of course my ex looked just stunning and we seemed so happy at that captured moment in time. It started the nostalgic thoughts of all the good times and it took me all day to recover from seeing it. A few people actually 'liked' the photo probably not realizing we had just gotten divorced. lol. Full realization that No contact is probably the only thing keeping me together right now is kinda disheartening. I still wake up each day, drink a cup of coffee while I journal and then write my daily gratitudes. Onward.

[jmt6015]

First week of the new job and new life complete. It was the right thing to leave the marital home and move 3000 miles away, the healing is much easier. I still go to sleep and wake up with her on my mind. I am having difficulty taking her down from her pedestal and seeing all her flaws. She was so beautiful, loving, charismatic, positive and charming. The thing that helps me the most is realization that for such a "deep" person her love and commitment to her life partner were seemingly quite superficial. She didn't fight at all for the marriage, no counseling, no emotional outbursts of the pain she was going through. She just allowed a slow insidious death of her love. To me that is selfish and cowardice. I would have fought till I was exhausted, defeated and laid at the feet of a counselor convincing me divorce was what needed to be done. People are so different in response to adversity, crisis, love, pain, death. We all experience and see things from unique perspectives and only through true empathy can we understand others. Onward to the weekend.

[mynewyork]

Iam glad your journey is coming along , I was blindsided married 32 yrs found his hs girlfriend 44 yrs later says he loves her she dying of bone cancer caught we him texing her 8 weeks ago been going on since March big blow up went behind my back to lawyer this happened on a sat Monday he went to lawyer again so now he's in Texas finally seeing her he threw me out like trash no remorse I have waves of rage crying hate roller coaster ride the grieving is like a death

[jmt6015]

mynewyork- That is absolutely brutal and heartless. Such actions are a reflection upon him and not you. Try and focus on yourself and be gentle towards you and your ego during this time. The emotional roller coaster is inevitable but does temper with time and reflection. Get a good counselor to work through things and actively seek out your support system. Try and look for glimpses of hope&positivity in this dark time of crisis. Take care of yourself now more than ever.

[mynewyork]

Thanks jmt6015 Iam going tommorow to see some one today was a bad one for me can't stop crying

[jmt6015]

Went out with some new friends / randoms to a concert. Ended up having a good time but drinking too much and some poor decision making. Woke up just feeling ashamed, regretful and weak. You can't expect growth from bathing your emotional void in alcohol and superficial entertainments. I try to learn each time I have a setback. What caused it? Why did I make those choices? What can I do differently in the future to avoid repeating it? I try not to dwell on the setbacks, nostalgia, flashes of regret, sadness, jealously, anger. I try to accept that it is part of the process necessary to my healing. Learn from your mistakes and try to avoid repeating them. I will go to bed early tonight and have a healthy, productive tomorrow. Trying to build myself back into a man that I am proud of, a man worthy of an amazing woman's love. Every day can't be a step forward.

[jmt6015]

What a f@cked weekend this has been for me. Heard from a close friend who thought he was helping my healing that my ex wife is in a new relationship with a tall, younger ex minor league baseball player that works at a memorabilia store I guess. It has been going on for quite a while and must've started shortly after we separated and probably before we were officially divorced. I went through so much effort to have No Contact. I blocked every mutual friend on Facebook, every family member. I moved 3000 miles away, blocked her phone and email. I wasn't ready to hear this... I didn't want to know about her life. The woman I proposed to, walked the aisle with, took vows for, fought for is f@cking dead. The only thing knowledge of this new woman can bring me is pain. I had pains today that cut almost as deep as the original wounds but just haven't lasted as long and were more anticipated. I thought I was through the anger stage but I want her relationship to end poorly. I want her to hurt at least a fraction of what she has caused me. To be brought to her knees if grief for at least a moment. My life was turned upside down and I haven't found complete footing in 6 months. I have been questioning myself, her, the marriage... everything. She has been dating already half that time. What a tough weekend, jesus this hurts. She has broken almost every recommendation my counselor gave me in a divorce and I don't want her to get away with it. Feel some pain, feel some guilt, regret, sadness, nostalgia. Hurt a little, cry, be lonely... God knows I have. They say there are no winners or losers in a divorce but I feel like I am losing right now pretty badly. Only plus side is my job is pretty great so far, I have a lucrative career ahead of me, and some family / friends around for support. I am trying to be grateful of my blessings but seems like I keep getting kicked while I'm down.

[jmt6015]

Had a dream about my ex-wife last night for the first time since we spit 7 months ago. It was absolutely amazing. We were in the back seat of a luxury SUV that was self driving though a cold rain storm on a remote country 2 lane road. We were making passionate, sweaty, aggressive love on the black leather seats and against the cold glass windows. In my mind I was thinking about giving her my all, showing her how good it could be, how much she was missing. Pulling her hair, grabbing her ass, keeping it rough and hot. After a few rounds of completely fulfilling sexI had to jump to the front seat naked and take over from autopilot because more cars were starting to come over the hill in head on traffic, their headlights beaming in the windshield. When I awoke I was content but sad. What an amazingly depressingdream. About two months of complete No Contact have helped me, but I'm still broken hearted, still love sick, still feeling the void. Such is life, all things will pass.

[superkatnip]

Sorry for your pain. My ex was an alcoholic and ended up cheating on me. I was the one who initiated the divorce and never wanted him back, but my struggle towards indifference was a long one. Keep working on you and your new life. It will come in time.

[Heavy]

jmt6015:

 

Your story of marriage and divorce sounds just like mine and you fighting till there is nothing left we have in common. I have done the same with bad/poor choices after the break up and I nearly ended up taking my own life. But through all this I found after another failed relationship and 5 years later that I have lived more, grown more and enjoyed my life to the max.

 

I travelled, made new memories, new friends, lost some old ones as they were not helping me grow. I have found new hobbies and even started my own business, all this in that short amount of time.

 

My ex wife and I would not talk even though we have kids, now we socialize in the same groups, have a clear understanding on what is best for the kids and even have a good laugh. Nothing will ever come again we my ex wife and myself as I don't go back to the past but it all works out in the end.

[jmt6015]

Thanks everyone for the comments, support and encouragement. I have a long painful road ahead but have so much else going for me in this life. I may be down now but I will rise again... stronger and wiser than before.

[Capricorn3]

OP, would you like your thread moved to the Journals Forum?

[jmt6015]

Sure. That's kinda how I'm treating it. Thank-you.

[Capricorn3]

Sure. That's kinda how I'm treating it. Thank-you.

 

You're welcome. Thread has been moved to Journals.

[jmt6015]

The journey continues... ~ 2 months complete NC. 3 or so months from divorce finalization. 7 months from my ex wife telling me she no longer loved me and wanted a divorce.

 

I had a rough day yesterday and spent way too many hours talking about the marriage/divorce/healing process with my best friend. Talk went in the the early morning and I had trouble sleeping after so much rehashing. I try and be grateful for all of the things going right in my life during this period of heartbreak. If you are reading this and are hurting/ despair then take a hard look at all of the things you have to be grateful for currently in your life. I wake up every morning and write at least 3 daily gratitudes... It helps. It starts your mind focusing on the positive, on the present, brings hope to the future. So often we become complacent in our lives and take what we have for granted. It is human nature but if we can be present, be cognizant of our current blessings then life becomes so much more fulfilling and happiness follows. Starting to consider getting on a dating website just to test the waters and have some more social interactions, but not sure if I'm quite ready.

[jmt6015]

Today was a tough one for me. I am an anesthesiologist and was working for the first time since my divorce in the obstetric arena. I was in the OR giving anesthesia for C-sections deliveries. One young (early 30's) couple were having their 2nd child and when they both heard the baby cry for the first time they kissed passionately. Tears were rolling down both their faces and just unbridle joy and excitement in their sparkling eyes. They loved each other so much and that child was this precious gift to their partnership. I use to imaging what my wife's face would look like when she was giving birth to our hypothetical children. She would be sweaty, nervous and more beautiful than any other laboring woman ever has. Even back then it would bring tears of love and joy to my eyes thinking of it. Today, sadly today was different. I am normally emotionally detached at work. A calculated, calm, rational physician always. I looked at that young couple and tears started to form and a knot developed in my throat. Not only did I feel emotion but it was deep and it was painful. I felt jealousy, envy, anger. I feltcrushed and joyful all at the same time. I hated that couple but wanted to cry and hug them at the same time. I wanted to be a part of something so special and beautiful. Iwill never have that moment with my bride. She left me and has now chosen to be with another man. that hurts. I fought back the tears and left the operating room without anyone noticing. I held it all together until now when I'm at home, alone at night. Tears running down my face, realizing the gravity of what I have lost, what she has lost, what we have lost as a couple. I truly believe one day I will have my moment in the sun but it doesn't cheapen what I once had and lost. I know I neglected her, I know I didn't fully appreciate what I had. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I treated her hurtfully enough for her to leave me cold and emotionlessly. Toughest lesson I have ever learned in my life is never take anything for granted... Especially not your spouse. Try to fall in love with them everyday all over again. I will now shower off my dry tears, sweat from the day, get some sleep because it begins again tomorrow.

[jmt6015]

The last few days the emotions have started to dull. I don't feel strong pangs of jealousy, anger, love, regret. All of the emotions are starting to numb. This is both an amazing testament to time/NC healing but also profoundly sad. It's sad that even our deepest emotional bonds to another person can be broken slowly with time and intent. Its sad that one day I will no longer love Michelle and I will love another woman. It's sad that there is no such thing as a soulmate. It's sad that there is such a thing as falling out of love, divorce, dissolution of marriage. I am disillusioned by what occurred to our relationship. I hope that I don't remain jaded toward future women or the act of falling inlove.

[jmt6015]

Posted a new thread today for some advice and encouragement during this time of healing. I am trying to move forward. I have been working on myself daily. Self help books, sex improvement books, relationship books. Journaling, daily gratitudes. Seeing friends and family, trying to live in the moment. I plan to see a counselor again through employee assistance free 5 sessions and hopefully gain more perspective. I am somewhat surprised by how difficult and devastating this has been to me. She just seemed to be over it and happy / content / excited about the future so fast. . The disparity in the damage this has caused us individually couldn't be larger. I realize I don't actually know what is going on in her life / mind / emotions, but the last contact I had with her showed a woman excited with her new life and relieved she was no longer married to me. That is a tough pill to swallow. I wasn't a perfect husband but I was a damn good partner for a lot of years and she just seemed to minimize and devalue everything we had and everything I was to her. Counselor meeting setup. Vacations on the horizon. New job treating me well and making more money than I need. Life is improving but the depth of loss is something I could have never previously imagined.