Narcissism?

[GregJohnder]

This all started really because I fell hard for a male friend of mine soon after I decided that I was sexually attracted to men of a fairly specific type. To be honest with myself, it is a type that was initially pretty distant from my own personality, but it was the first time I ever really found myself turned on by anyone. I was essentially declaring myself asexual in high school and the topic in general made me feel alienated for a long time. I broke hearts, and saw I was hurting people and forcing myself to be something I wasn't, so I stopped. At the time I was not falling for any of my male friends or anything either, but oddly, the male friend I began this with had a deep thing for me during that time.

 

By the time I could make sense of my feelings and the idea that I really wanted him came to fruition, I fought hard and immaturely as it was my first time acting on anything like that. I eventually met the truth that he no longer held those feelings anymore. It really wrecked me, and I tried to stay strong as he had been a great friend to me, teaching me quite a bit about myself and how to be proactive about my feelings when I declared that I was a homosexual. I've lived with him and his girlfriend for about a year now. It has had great moments, but it's been very unhealthy. This is a bit irrelevant.

 

Both of them have called me a narcissist. They know I have a love/hate relationship with myself. He also said he has come to the understanding that homosexuality is narcissism, that they are simply seeking themselves or that thing they wish they were. He's also made comments on his distaste for people who feel forwarding themselves in life is strongly based on their own accomplishments.

 

My mind usually responds with, "As opposed to...?"

 

I've looked into what narcissism truly means a little bit, and I've tried to be completely honest with myself. Yes, I've had a lot of trouble with self-identity in the past and have spent a lot of my time trying to attain it. Yes, I've seen qualities in other people that I have wanted myself and turned it into self-loathing. Yes, I have even described myself as "tofu" before, simply taking on the flavor of those around me, being a lot of different people over time. That's me. Yes, I want to please people and make them like me. Yes, I was very attracted to him and my ex, and yes, they were both people with qualities I wished I possessed.

 

I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm doing each day and seeing how I can control myself. I don't want to take from anyone.

 

But does this truly differentiate me from a normal person? Regardless of my development as a human being, why would I want to live uncomfortable with myself? I hold principles, and I'm not some kind of vampire. If I want to actively play my part in being whatever it is I'm destined for, it's going to start with my own mental health and being functionally independent. I don't like that that's where I still stand at my age, but it doesn't matter; this isn't a race.

 

I just remember when I went with a straight friend of mine (a different one) to Pride this year, and he made the comment that it was really cool to see people people open and comfortable with themselves, and even he felt liberated. That's pretty much where I stand.

 

Yes, I guess those comments bother me a bit, and once upon a time, I would have felt I needed him to agree to be comfortable, but that's not what I am anymore. I know some of the things that make me happy, and if I'm happy, I'm just a better person. This foundation is essential for anyone to attain anything even if it were to depart from more self-centered behaviors. But hey, we may just be fundamentally different people.

 

Thoughts?

[catfeeder]

I've lived with him and his girlfriend for about a year now. [...] Both of them have called me a narcissist. [...] He also said he has come to the understanding that homosexuality is narcissism, that they are simply seeking themselves or that thing they wish they were.

 

Your friends sound neither qualified to make such a diagnosis of you, nor to make such a sweeping generalization about all homosexuals. That's as ridiculous as generalizing all hetrosexuals.

 

Your friend sounds like he's reaching for a 'theory' in order to assuage his own discomfort with homosexuality. That's his problem, not yours.

 

You've had a year to adjust to living with these people without needing to please them beyond getting along in the home. If their opinions trouble you, maybe that's your signal to move and live beyond them?

 

Head high.

[Hollyj]

"He also said he has come to the understanding that homosexuality is narcissism, that they are simply seeking themselves or that thing they wish they were. "

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! How did he come to this conclusion? You're 'friends' with this person?????? Why do you stay in such a hateful environment?

 

"distaste for people who feel forwarding themselves in life is strongly based on their own accomplishments".

Another dumb statement. He must be a complete loser that has no ambitions in life!

 

I would seriously rethink who you choose as friends, as they are mean, small-minded and lack ambition. This is about their issues. Not yours.

 

On to you. You have come a long way in acknowledging who you are. That's great. You should feel comfortable and proud of who you are!!!

 

If you were a narcissist, you would not be asking this question. I think you are still trying to find yourself, and you sound like a good guy!

 

Lastly, find supportive and loving friends, and get rid of this guy. He and the gf are going to eat away at your self esteem and put you into a really bad place. I also suggest you look into a gay support or therapy group, to help you on your journey.

[MissASH]

Dear GregJohnder, I'm not sure what your age is or the full spectrum of your social scene, but I will share with you some observations with the hope they cause you to stand back and shift gears towards a better life-

 

1-THERE ARE SOME PERSONAL JOURNEYS NOT EVERYONE CAN GO WITH US ON-

I get that you became close to this guy and that in the process you let your guard down in an area of life you had no activity in. It seems that this closeness came on the cusp of an important understanding of yourself. Sometimes we make it about these connections when in TRUTH, take it plainly: he happened to be there when you were embracing an important aspect of yourself. It would free you so much instead of going back and forth in the story, if you could just accept the impact, what IT MEANS IN YOUR STORY, feel gratitude for the gains and let go of all else. Clearly, he and his girlfriend have no concept of what your journey is like at this point in your life. If you try to enlighten them, even in your own head's conversations you are likely to feel pain and you don't need more of that!

 

2-STOP MEASURING YOURSELF BY THESE PEOPLE

I don't know your whole story but the influence of these two is way too big for you right now and it isn't serving you. Maybe you let them have say in your worth because you live/d with them but you have the power to end their opinion hanging over your head, it is perhaps the only thing you CAN do with regard to them. If you don't have many friends, attitudes like that can become way too prominent/loud so that is another way to offset their judgement. Clearly, you have not completed that sentence that has to do with your orientation.

 

It goes like this: Homosexual lifestyle is excessively indulgent FOR ME/US to pursue.

 

So in saying that, take it at face value, don't read into it, don't add a story with it.

They were blunt about their OWN outlooks, let it end there.

 

3-THE REAL QUESTION IS, HOW WILL YOU MOVE FORWARD FROM ALL THIS?

Most people walking around today live zombie=like lives, never taking full responsibility for their lives, never living from what matters most to them. You seem to have awakened from that numbness and are asking for more from the life you've been given. If that is narcissism then we all need to be a little more of that!

 

I do hope you continue your journey and not look back. I hope you don't get entangled in other people's small ideas of potential and possibility, and maybe get out there among other people who have more on the go than the conventional life. A support group is a wonderful idea as the other forum member mentions! Keep us posted how it goes?