Being messed with by a man I fell for

[samantha9021]

I was married with two very young children; my husband moved abroad in 2015 for work when our daughter was 2 months old. After six months of returning to work full time myself I was very frustrated, angry and burned out. I wanted to move closer to my parents for more support for me and better educational prospects for our children but my husband was dead set against it. Recently I concluded that I couldn't stay in a relationship any longer where my partner didn't champion my needs the same way I championed theirs. It seemed that no matter what I wanted, he put the barriers up.

 

Around this time a very attractive security guard in my work began to catch my attention more and more. He's from Brazil, works 3 jobs (all in security), and while my husband complains about every petty little thing this guy seemed so grateful for everything he had.I was quickly going out of my way to see him and chat to him. About six weeks ago he asked me out for a drink. It was 9 in the morning and I was flattered in that I knew this was something he clearly thought out in his mind. We do after all work in the same building, albeit I'm head of finance and he's the guy at the door. I know it sounds crazy but his principals were much more up my street than my husbands (who earns a lot more than anyone I know). And he has a killer bod to boot which I couldn't wait to get my paws on.

 

So I gave him my number on the proviso that work were not to find out. He texted me not to check my diary, but "Let's keep in touch." First red flag.

 

Yet I started to get super excited wondering where out first date would be, what our first kiss would be like, etc. I was physically very, very attracted to him. A week came and went. Then another. On the second week he came clean and admitted that he was married but had had the conversation about separating etc. I was like ok not going there.! Two red flags.

 

Another week of flirting somehow followed and we both told each other that despite not the tidiest of break ups on both our parts (it's not like mine was official either), we liked each other so much today and why let time pass us by. Two days later he came over and we had sex. The following week he came over twice. After a stale marriage I was very quickly hooked on the physical attention.

 

Then on week 3, he cancelled at the last minute because apparently she had some drama with the lawyers and that dragged him out for the rest of the week. I knew this in advance, but he was staying at their property negotiating some kind of pay out rather than walking away empty handed. At the end of week 3 after turning up at our work building twice (another red flag he must have really pissed off the woman he married for her to do that) she changed the locks on their apartment. I didn't realise women actually did that.

 

Week 4 he ended up in hospital as an old bullet wound turned infectious and required emergency surgery (seriously I am not making this stuff up). I don't care how that bullet got in there or how it was removed or how bad the swelling was last week I am beautiful, witty, the head of ing finance and I had HAD ENOUGH.

 

At the end of week 4 I was like look pal, stop messing me about. There were already at least two occasions where I put friends off or told people I was unavailable because of him. He was like ok that won't happen again. Now this weekend on a last ditch attempt he was all sweet and Latino romantic and he told me he was trying to take Sunday night off of work to spend time with me, I was like great sounds awesome. Yet over the weekend (like every weekend) he's just been quiet, much quieter than during the weekdays, a couple of short messages, no mention of tonite and so here I am on this forum.

 

I'll tell ya I am sick to death of ing disappointments. Disappointed my husband had to leave for work. Disappointed our marriage couldn't last. Disappointed that even with six months of chemistry with a guy I felt amazing chemistry with, he's just not into me. Obviously. That chemistry that connection is so hard to find with people. So most of all, I'm disappointed he even asked me out as you know what, he had no right to as his life is obviously more complicated than he is prepared to reveal. I just want a break in this life after two years of hell. I thought this thing would bring me some laughter and fun and happiness. I felt so alive with him. And now it feels like it's just gone from me. I am so mad at him. When am I going to get a ing break from hardship and disappointment...

 

Here's my question. Obviously I don't want to just talk to him like nothing happened, but I don't want to close the door either. Should I read him the riot act and say look mate your chances are gone, gone gone? Or just go silent? I hate that he's actually made me cry over this but I can't let go of him either. I felt incredible chemistry and connection with him and I don't want to say goodbye forever either... Is there anything I can do to encourage him to win me back?

[Matt3939]

Does your husband know you are trying to hook up with some guy at work? Is he fine with this? Are you divorced? Maybe I missed those answers in your post.

I guess you can offer this guy $$$ that might work to get his attention.

[lostlove76]

Are either of you actually divorced? I'm getting the impression that the answer is no, and that your separations are fuzzy at best. You said your breakup wasn't official. So you're cheating on your husband? If so, and if he's cheating on his wife, then sorry, but this is all just par for the course. Completely finish one relationship before getting involved with someone else, and make sure that person is single as well.

[ParisPaulette]

This is such a mess. All I'll tell you is a) report him to HR and get out of there and b) end your marriage then c) work on your own self-esteem and issues and put together a good life for you and your kids.

 

And don't date or get involved with anyone until the above are all done.

[greta96]

You may be beautiful, witty and the head of f*cking finance, but you haven't acted like any of it in this situation...at all.

You saw him as your knight in shining armor, ready to save you from a boring marriage, and you attached some kind of an imaginary connection to this stranger, when the sad and simple reality is that all you were for him was sex. I mean, he didn't even take you out on proper dates, lol. "Two days later he came over and we had sex. The following week he came over twice. After a stale marriage I was very quickly hooked on the physical attention". It was all about sex, nothing else. You both cheated on your respective partners, and I bet you his wife is completely unaware they are "separated". Or if they are...I would say she has a good reason to kick him to the curb, no? I mean....he sounds like a real prize: cheating, bullets ... what's not to like about him? But again...the chances of him being separated are slim, he sounds like your usual cheater.

 

As for "Is there anything I can do to encourage him to win me back? "... he already has you chasing after him, drooling over his "hot bod" and ignoring glaring red flags, what's to win back? He is quiet on weekends because he has to spend them with his wife, come on now, for such a smart woman I'm shocked you cannot see what's going on... I know infatuation can make one blind, but really?

 

If you want to liven up your sex life, divorce your husband first (or talk him into having an open marriage), and then find a guy who is single and who isn't taking you for a ride and making a fool out of you.

[HeartGoesOn]

Should I read him the riot act and say look mate your chances are gone, gone gone? Or just go silent? I hate that he's actually made me cry over this but I can't let go of him either. I felt incredible chemistry and connection with him and I don't want to say goodbye forever either... Is there anything I can do to encourage him to win me back?

 

It appears that you're both married, therefore there's nothing to "let go of," nor is there a need for saying "Goodbye." Either way, you seem to be looking for happiness in all the wrong places, while remaining in denial and looking for a quick fix.

 

You're basically short changing yourself by refusing to face this problem head-on, rather than taking the steps to fix the problem. Rather than looking on the outside, try looking within.

[j.man]

What reason in the world would this man have to take you seriously?

[Sportster2005]

You should cease all contact with him. You should say goodbye forever. It will be hard, but in the long run you will be thankful,

[itsallgrand]

Being honest here: you aren't embarrassed? You are married, and you've been acting thirsty as hell.

His pick up was super lame. He probably throws it out to every woman who walks by the building and will give him a chance to.

And you are chasing this?!

 

I don't know what to tell you because your life doesn't sound all that bad at all: two beautiful kids, a great job, money, health, brains in your head. That's a lot!

[ThatwasThen]

Your whole story sounds like a "Letters To the Editor" section out of Penthouse Magazine.

If it's true, I'm sorry but I'd say that no man worth having will take you seriously at this point in your life. Seems not even your own husband does. My advice: Ignore lover boy and more likely then not he'll be all over you again but only during the week because his weekends are reserved for him and his wife.

 

You are the desperate piece on the side and I suspect he's probably pretty sure you'll be available when he deems it.

 

Sorry you've allowed this for yourself. Why don't you get a divorce? You'll be a picker of better men when you are actual free to pick.

[boltnrun]

So him being married was a red flag but you being married isn't??

 

Scratching my head over that gem.

[melancholy123]

My guess is this guy is not planning to split up with his wife, and that you are just a casual roll in the hay when time permits. Smarten up lady, you say you are smart and have a good job etc. then act like the smart person you portray yourself to be. Not some desperate horny unhappy woman who's husband is away for work.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it sucks to be disappointed at your husband and your lover at the same time. Spare yourself the grief and embarrassment of chasing a married lover.

Disappointed my husband had to leave for work. Disappointed our marriage couldn't last. Disappointed that even with six months of chemistry with a guy I felt amazing chemistry with, he's just not into me.

[Zippy2000]

week 4 an old bullet wound turned infectous. I hope that isnt some round about way to mention he has an STI.

 

I d ask you t get tested in case you didnt use any protection for not only you and your husbands sakes.

 

You`ve learned your lesson and hope you have the conscience to either split up with your husband or tell the truth and work on your sham of a marriage.