He married her and won't admit it.

[Bzmommy]

Hello, I am new to this forum and just wanted some advice.

 

I was in a relationship for 6 years with a long haul truck driver. We meet in 2009 through a mutual friend. Through those years I left him a few times as I felt like I couldn't deal with his being away from home so much ( he would make trips to NY, NJ, up north to deliver freight and be away for a week or so and we live in FL). Every time I would leave he'd pursue me, sitting outside of my workplace for hours when he was in town. Calling me incessantly when he was on the road, so I felt like he must really love me.

 

In 2014, I started noticing that he was busier than usual. He would only be able to come see me for a few hours in the day and had to leave to "work", where as before we would see each other frequently. We would spend the night at each other's apartment and for a period of a year and a half we would have what we would call our Fridays. I was off on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, so I would spend those days with him all day while my son was with his father for the weekend. I would be with the trucker during his deliveries, working on the truck in the yard or just hanging out in the house. Our Fridays only ceased when I was given an opportunity to work in a field of work that I have always been interested in. I took the opportunity to work weekends with this company and he stated he understood. But then he started to get too busy to be around me.

I decided to look into what the change was about. I found an app online that would allow me to see his phone calls, texts and location. I downloaded it onto his phone one of the rare nights that he slept over. From that app I was able to determine that he was carrying on a relationship with 3 different women other than myself. I contacted all three as I was wanting to get some answers. One (Samantha) stated that she was a friend of his of 20+ years and that she was a married woman (mind you there were text messages between them where she's asking him who's sandals were in his apartment (mine) and who's hair was in the tub). The second one (Shirley) stated that she had been dating him for a year and that she had just had an abortion for him just weeks prior to my contacting her. I must preface this with saying that during this time of contacting the ladies I found out I was pregnant by him. I had been with him 5 1/2 years at this point and never even had a pregnancy scare and my son from a previous relationship was 13 years old at the time. I contacted the third lady (Marilyn) who resides in North Carolina and she stated that "he was not her man, she doesn't want him. They are just friends." ( the messages between those two seemed platonic to me, I just contacted her because I saw a few messages where he was helping her sign a lease in NC).

I contacted him and he was furious with me, he stated that I had no business going through his phone and calling his friends. I decided right then and there that I wasn't going to be tied to this man any longer. Throughout the whole ordeal of me confronting him I was able to monitor his calls and location. I could hear calls and see text between him and the ladies where he would tell them not to talk to me. I'm crazy. I'm just a friend that was so infatuated with him. I was devastated.

 

I decided to have an abortion (one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I cried the entire time, to the point where they separated him and I and asked me if he was forcing me to have the abortion). He was there with me the whole time, I woke up after in a room with him cleaning me up😒. He dropped me home and stated that he had to go take his brother to the hospital ( his brother had a stroke and he tended to him when he was in town. I helped the brother out as well when I was able to. He was wheelchair bound and very sick.) I didn't question it as I was still devastated from having to do what I did.

I decided I'd just block him from calling me and just move forward with my life. He showed up to my job a week later, hell bent on getting me to see him and speak to him. I held strong for about 2 weeks, then I relented and let him back in.

 

I don't know what I was thinking but I let him back in my bed, but I insisted that he wear a condom in all our years together we'd stop using protection long ago and he stated that he was offended. I watched him put it on, but later found out that he took it off midway through.(sorry for the details) He did this several times during that period of us "getting back together" and I end up pregnant again months after just having an abortion. I decide that I'm just going to keep the baby and really get him out of my life. I stopped speaking to him cold turkey. He found out I was pregnant again through a friend of ours and camped out at my home and work for days on end until I spoke to him. He informed me that this was his baby and I wasn't going to shut him out like that. He was going to be around as long as I had his child. I decided that I'd let him back in again. All the while he's still in the friendship with the three ladies. (Samantha #1 and Shirley #2, found out about my pregnancy and quite speaking to him. From the messages that I was able to retrieve later.)

 

The pregnancy was difficult, I was bed ridden and eventually lost both jobs. He maintained his apartment whilst paying all the bills in mine. While 5 months pregnant his disabled brother dies and my car breaks down (all in a week). He Informs me that the funeral is for family only, although I had meet his brothers and cousins (all truckers who work together. I'd be in the yard with all of them as they worked on their trucks during our "Fridays". And I was told that this was all the family they had). His mother came up (she lives in there home country) and he calls me to inform me that his mother will have his phone for the day, don't call or text it (I'm like what?!?!) I block him and decide that I'm completely done now.

 

2 weeks after that, I've been ignoring all of his attempts to contact me I get a call from an unknown number at 8 o'clock in the morning. It's Marilyn lady #3, she states that she got my number from his phone while he was asleep in her home in NC that night and saw his incessant calls and messages to me. She also realized that I was pregnant and wanted to call me and ibfirn me that they were supposed to be getting married and that she is now not going to marry him because he has a woman pregnant. I tell her that I remembered speaking to her previously and her denying their relationship, she stated that she was ashamed of him cheating on her that's why she denied him to me. I wished them all the best. She then messages me a "marriage license" dated for 2014 with no signatures on it. I forward the picture to him and he fly's off in a rage. He calls everyone liars and says the document is phoney. He claims that I made the document and why would I do such a thing.

 

Fast forward to the baby's birth. I have a scheduled c-section that he knew about. All the while there's been back and forth between Marilyn and I as first she started accusing me if calling her blocked, when that was proven false (he was in the house with me, when she states that one if the barrage of blocked calls came through), then she started accusing me or my friends of sending her threatening text messages all day and night. Every time she'd start up, I'd block him and not speak to him he'd then call her asking her what her issue was (I guess that was her way of getting him to call her when she felt like he was ignoring her) .

On the day of the csection I was scheduled for 9 am, but kept getting pushed back because they had emergencies to tend to first. I don't know what time he got there or how long he stayed but I started getting a barrage of messages from by him and Marilyn regarding some threatening texts she was getting at that moment (all of my friends and family were in the hospital. One was in the room with my mom and I waiting and the others were in the waiting area with my son. They were the ones that infirmed me that he was indeed there. He waited 2 hours and had to go to "work") my second son was born without him being present and I was furious. He shows up two days later, as he had just "gotten back in town" and wanted to see his son😡.

 

For the past year, he's been trying to prove to me that he was changing to be a family with me and I've just been in a fog of new baby, health issues and getting a new job. Fast forward to baby's first birthday and daddy can't make it because his eldest son (19 years old. He has two 19 year olds from two different women. 1 is an ex-wife and the other lady is his family member) was kicked out of the mother's house and needed his father to ho up to NJ to help him move into his sister's house (the son's mother/ ex-wife has 6 kids from 5 different men).

I was incensed!! I had had it. Then today, a friend of mine sends me a screen shot of Marilyn's post on her FB page were she had uploaded a copy of the marriage license (the original unsigned one dated 2014, but signed now signed May of 2016. Two different dates on it) and stated "they are out there struggling with a baby, but he chose to marry me. Winning!"

 

I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions today, how could he? Why would he? We were just planning on moving in together. When I asked him he told me that "his personal life is not my business", then he proceeded to call her and I selfish and state that he's tired of all the foolishment and games. He then tells me to go check the public records, if I want to know so bad. I checked online and couldn't find anything.

 

I'm just so humiliated, hurt and furious at the same time. How could he do this? We were sleeping together and making plans for the future. Stupidly I thought he'd changed. Now I don't know what to do, where to go. Why me? I can't stop crying and I don't want my kids to see me like this. I don't know what to do and I'm too humiliated to face my friends about this.

 

My apologies for the length, I can't seem to gather my thoughts properly right now.

[Theniceone]

How could he? unfortunately he deceived you for so long. Once you were aware of it not sure why you took him back. Was it that his lack of morals was ok with you as long as you were the one "winning ". I am sorry this has happened to you, but you know what you have to do. He seems to be mostly absent anyways so you will be fine.

[1a1a]

How could he is in the past, what matters is the future. Get a new number, take out a restraining order. You've turfed this man out of your life, the kicker is going to be making it stick (since he's a massive stalker!!!!!) You will need your friends and family around you now more than ever.

 

Or keep letting him in but I promise you he's going to keep hurting you.

 

*jedi hugs* just cos it's betrayal sneleventy thousand, doesn't mean it doesn't cut deep.

[SherrySher]

You allowed him to treat you this way..I am sorry if that is harsh, but it is true. You knew he was a serial cheater and yet, you kept taking him back and kept asking for more.

You decided to stay with someone who was sleeping with other women other than you and was lying to you,many times over.

This man does not love you, he never loved you, he is not loyal and will never be loyal to just one woman.

You should be asking yourself...how could YOU?? how could you allow a serial cheater to play you and play you? You got the proof early on and yet, you still ran back for more.

He humiliated you, told lies about your character, now, the only thing you can do is get away from him for good.

Make sure he sends child payments and if he wants, has visitations with his son, but as for letting him near you again, have some self respect and self worth and do not let this man touch you or get close to you ever again.

[youareworthy]

Dearest,

 

There is and never will be a future with this man. It is totally irrelevant if he is married to her or not. Do not give Marilyn and her remarks the time of day. Block all contact with her and any other of his women. Tell all your friends that you want zero news about Marilyn or any of the rest of the "harem." Thinking about them or concerning yourself with them is damaging and distracting. This man is a pathological liar, an enormous womanizer, and stunningly selfish and cruel to all of the women and children involved. And his behavior has proved a thousand times over that he is never, ever going to change and build a future with you (or with anyone else, for that matter). "When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!"

 

If you did not have a son together, I would say run as fast and as far away from him as possible. It is a mark of the gravity of the situation that I am about to say to get him out of your life even though your son is his child. I NEVER recommend that people cut their kids off from the other parent. I am not recommending it here, yet, but I am so close to recommending it, that I am clearly sensing that he is hugely toxic.

 

Since you do have his child, hire an attorney and make sure you get child support. Schedule visitation such that the drop offs and pick ups between you and him are done by a NEUTRAL third party who will not be swayed by any of his persuasive garbage. Make legal arrangements so that you two do not talk except through a neutral party. He is the most toxic, damaging person, and obviously has great powers of persuasion. He is deliberately and horribly pitting all these women against one another.

 

What kind of woman would triumph over you the way Marilyn is? That is just sick. And why is she feeling triumphant? Has she taken a good look at the kind of "prize" she just won??? She sounds as ill as he is. Do not give her boasting or his lies the time of day. Ever. They are both not worth another minute of your time!!!!!!

 

Look yourself squarely in the eye and say the things you clearly already know on some level:

 

He is toxic.

I need him out of my life forever.

I need to figure out why I keep letting such a persuasive and horrible person con me into letting him back into my life.

I deserve so much more, soooooo much better than the nonsense I have allowed for so long.

 

Climb out of bed, put on some clothes, splash your face with cool water, drink a glass of water, eat something healthy, and then call the most sensible person you know and ask him or her to help you find a lawyer and a counselor.

 

Thank you for being so open in this post. It took a lot of guts to write this out and admit your mistakes and foolishness. You are on the road to a better life by facing both his and your roles in this absolute mess.

 

You can dig yourself out. You did the right thing by reaching out here. You are by and large going to get excellent advice on here. In my opinion, if someone starts to rant on you, saying things like, "Why did you...?" or "How come you didn't...?" then realize that they are angry FOR you, and frustrated with you for not seeing a better path earlier. They are sad that you and your sons are suffering so much. Sigh.

 

Personally I find the advice that questions your poor decisions in the past is not very helpful since you cannot change the past.

 

Focus on the great advice that has you starting from today and beginning to fix the problems of today, and has you look toward how to create a better future. Take stock of your real situation, and move ahead.

 

Many of us have been through hellish situations, and we know how snowed under you feel.

 

Bless your heart.

 

Youareworthy

[Hollyj]

How could you let him come back????? Unbelievable! You must really hate yourself, as you know that he is a lying, cheating douche. He even got another woman pregnant!

 

What exactly does this guy have to do to you!!! I'm sorry, but you did this to yourself! You should have dumped him after the first incident.

 

Please seek therapy!

[Bzmommy]

How could he? unfortunately he deceived you for so long. Once you were aware of it not sure why you took him back. Was it that his lack of morals was ok with you as long as you were the one "winning ". I am sorry this has happened to you, but you know what you have to do. He seems to be mostly absent anyways so you will be fine.

 

I honestly didn't think that I was "winning" anything. I was told by a pastor in my church that a seeked counsel from that if I truly loved him to stand strong beside him in this storm. I thought I loved him enough to forgive and move forward. It was a great error on my part.

[Bzmommy]

How could he is in the past, what matters is the future. Get a new number, take out a restraining order. You've turfed this man out of your life, the kicker is going to be making it stick (since he's a massive stalker!!!!!) You will need your friends and family around you now more than ever.

 

Or keep letting him in but I promise you he's going to keep hurting you.

 

*jedi hugs* just cos it's betrayal sneleventy thousand, doesn't mean it doesn't cut deep.

 

I'm going to definitely look into that as soon as I get my barrings. It doesn't help that my mom is his biggest advocate and is one of the ways that he uses to get back in my life. I showed her the marriage license and all she could do was question it's authenticity and ask why I am trying to rock the boat with him now that things have gotten better. I'm thinking I just have to gather my kids up and move to a location that him nor her knows of.

Thank you so much for the hug, it was much needed.

[Hollyj]

It's really sad how some can mistreat themselves, so. The worst part, is your child is now going to have to deal with the nonsense.

[Bzmommy]

Dearest,

 

There is and never will be a future with this man. It is totally irrelevant if he is married to her or not. Do not give Marilyn and her remarks the time of day. Block all contact with her and any other of his women. Tell all your friends that you want zero news about Marilyn or any of the rest of the "harem." Thinking about them or concerning yourself with them is damaging and distracting. This man is a pathological liar, an enormous womanizer, and stunningly selfish and cruel to all of the women and children involved. And his behavior has proved a thousand times over that he is never, ever going to change and build a future with you (or with anyone else, for that matter). "When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!"

 

If you did not have a son together, I would say run as fast and as far away from him as possible. It is a mark of the gravity of the situation that I am about to say to get him out of your life even though your son is his child. I NEVER recommend that people cut their kids off from the other parent. I am not recommending it here, yet, but I am so close to recommending it, that I am clearly sensing that he is hugely toxic.

 

Since you do have his child, hire an attorney and make sure you get child support. Schedule visitation such that the drop offs and pick ups between you and him are done by a NEUTRAL third party who will not be swayed by any of his persuasive garbage. Make legal arrangements so that you two do not talk except through a neutral party. He is the most toxic, damaging person, and obviously has great powers of persuasion. He is deliberately and horribly pitting all these women against one another.

 

What kind of woman would triumph over you the way Marilyn is? That is just sick. And why is she feeling triumphant? Has she taken a good look at the kind of "prize" she just won??? She sounds as ill as he is. Do not give her boasting or his lies the time of day. Ever. They are both not worth another minute of your time!!!!!!

 

Look yourself squarely in the eye and say the things you clearly already know on some level:

 

He is toxic.

I need him out of my life forever.

I need to figure out why I keep letting such a persuasive and horrible person con me into letting him back into my life.

I deserve so much more, soooooo much better than the nonsense I have allowed for so long.

 

Climb out of bed, put on some clothes, splash your face with cool water, drink a glass of water, eat something healthy, and then call the most sensible person you know and ask him or her to help you find a lawyer and a counselor.

 

Thank you for being so open in this post. It took a lot of guts to write this out and admit your mistakes and foolishness. You are on the road to a better life by facing both his and your roles in this absolute mess.

 

You can dig yourself out. You did the right thing by reaching out here. You are by and large going to get excellent advice on here. In my opinion, if someone starts to rant on you, saying things like, "Why did you...?" or "How come you didn't...?" then realize that they are angry FOR you, and frustrated with you for not seeing a better path earlier. They are sad that you and your sons are suffering so much. Sigh.

 

Personally I find the advice that questions your poor decisions in the past is not very helpful since you cannot change the past.

 

Focus on the great advice that has you starting from today and beginning to fix the problems of today, and has you look toward how to create a better future. Take stock of your real situation, and move ahead.

 

Many of us have been through hellish situations, and we know how snowed under you feel.

 

Bless your heart.

 

Youareworthy

 

I have to say that your reply and advice touched me the deepest. I have not cried this much in a while. I appreciate your kind words and have taken them to heart. I never thought that I would end up in a situation like this... When you look back you kick yourself for going back that many times. I guess the fear of struggling alone with my two kids and the humiliation of being abandoned with a newborn was too much for me to handle.

I admit that I lashed out at him during this getting back together period and I did some things that I never thought I would just off of pure emotional rage and I guess him coming back and pretending to be sincerely sorry duped me into thinking that things would change. I would tell myself that he saw how much he hurt me, he won't do it again. I noticed that there were no female callers on his phone anymore so I was stupid enough to believe that all was good. Only to find out that Marilyn had purchased another cell phone for him which he left in his truck when he came to visit me.

I just think that the fact that he married her and not me is her prize. Although she claims she knew of me when she first met him (him and I were together for 3 years when they met) she was told that I was just someone he slept with when he was in FL and that purposely got pregnant to trap him.

Never ever in my life did I see my life going down this path. As has been stated, I allowed to do this to me. He was my ONLY friend for a period of time and I do suffer from boasts of depression and low self esteem from time to time.

I just honestly need to get up, get out and start rebuilding for myself and my children.

 

My apologies for rambling.

 

Again I thank you and was deeply moved by your words.

[Bzmommy]

How could you let him come back????? Unbelievable! You must really hate yourself, as you know that he is a lying, cheating douche. He even got another woman pregnant!

 

What exactly does this guy have to do to you!!! I'm sorry, but you did this to yourself! You should have dumped him after the first incident.

 

Please seek therapy!

 

You are right and I will seek therapy as soon as I can afford it.

[Bzmommy]

It's really sad how some can mistreat themselves, so. The worst part, is your child is now going to have to deal with the nonsense.

 

My biggest fear is my son having to deal with the nonsense as you call it. I am I should just keep him away from this man, but I don't want him to hate me for keeping him away from his dad. But I don't want him to deal with a father who will constantly disappoint him and let him down either.

[Hollyj]

BZ, Did your pastor know of the three other women that he was involved with - one pregnant? I don't understand how anyone could give such advice! The bible does not advocate staying with someone if there is infidelity.

[Hollyj]

My biggest fear is my son having to deal with the nonsense as you call it. I am I should just keep him away from this man, but I don't want him to hate me for keeping him away from his dad. But I don't want him to deal with a father who will constantly disappoint him and let him down either.

 

I hope you are going after support.

[1a1a]

Ayeeeee, your pastor and your mother I am giving them HUGE side eye right now! (And it might be worth reading a bit of Captain Awkward to get some scripts for shutting your mum down next time she starts on a "he's great you should take him back" line of thinking).

 

More Jedi hugs for the taking if you need them, infinite supply

[Bzmommy]

BZ, Did your pastor know of the three other women that he was involved with - one pregnant? I don't understand how anyone could give such advice! The bible does not advocate staying with someone if there is infidelity.

 

My pastor was well aware of everything up to that point. Hr asked if I didn't know that women lie to make the "main" woman feel bad and that just as the serpent tested Eve, this was my test and I should not let what they say sway my love and devotion to this man.

I have learned now not to heed his advice.

 

This is why I'm here.

[TheLastofUs]

Question...where can I get this app so that I can find out about my boyfriend O.O

[Hollyj]

My pastor was well aware of everything up to that point. Hr asked if I didn't know that women lie to make the "main" woman feel bad and that just as the serpent tested Eve, this was my test and I should not let what they say sway my love and devotion to this man.

I have learned now not to heed his advice.

 

This is why I'm here.

 

I think that your pastor is a misogynist. Horrible advice!

[boltnrun]

Question...where can I get this app so that I can find out about my boyfriend O.O

 

Why do you want to remain in a relationship with a man who you feel you have to spy on?

[QWit]

Take the responsibility for your portion.. However, him being who he is is not your fault. So, you could never change who a person is. They have to want to change on their own. You were in love. Love makes us blind and do things we shouldn't have done. Start right now, trying to get your self-esteem and respect back. We all fall. You will get back up.

 

I recently had mines married someone else behind my back. Threw is azz straight to the curb. So, I can kind of imagine what you are feeling on that aspect. It hurts like hell.

 

Try to do some things that will help you regain your confidence.. Not your fault he is an assclown.. Oh and don't worry about that little marriage over. You seen how he is. It probably ain't going to last.

[QWit]

Just dump him. If you can't trust him, what's the purpose?

 

Question...where can I get this app so that I can find out about my boyfriend O.O