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Can someone explain this to me


SherrySher

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I have seen a number of threads on here now that have to do with a person being interested in someone who is already involved with someone else.

Whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend, or in a marriage that is not happy, or a marriage that is having no problems.

My question is, why would anyone seek to be with someone already involved? What good can come out of this? And where are the morals?

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I have seen a number of threads on here now that have to do with a person being interested in someone who is already involved with someone else.

Whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend, or in a marriage that is not happy, or a marriage that is having no problems.

My question is, why would anyone seek to be with someone already involved? What good can come out of this? And where are the morals?

 

Yep, I've been seeing so many of these threads, and it really bugs me. It's like these people are completely clueless that they're helping someone be a cheater, and that it's wrong. I see them as selfish, entitled, immature, desperate, and completely lacking in morals. Some of them try to say what they know they're supposed to say in terms of feeling guilty and whatnot (and yet you can tell they don't really care), and some don't even pretend to know it's wrong. They come here expecting sympathy.

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This is something that has baffled my mind as well. Why would you even want to be with a person that leaves their significant other for you? They will most likely do the same thing to you down the road when the next best thing comes along. Then these people will be whining on the forums or to their friends about how could so-and-so do this to me.

 

 

My view on why males do it Just to be competitive jerks, because they don't care who they are hurting. Being horny and desperate trumps any sense of morality they may have. These types of guys also think that they are so much better than the other guy and can offer so much more. Convincing themselves they are rescuing this damsel in distress from a terrible relationship

My view on why females do it Curiosity about what the guy has to offer. I get hit on more when I'm taken than I do when I'm single, even when they know I'm with someone. Insecurities, being jealous of the other female, thriving off drama, pretending/convincing themselves that what they are doing is the right thing isn't wrong and that they are saving this person from a terrible relationship.

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I think two things are at play.

 

Firstly...Everyone is looking for that special connection with someone. And when they find it, they feel they have to act on it. That special loved up exciting feeling takes over the morals.

 

Secondly.... I think they are the kind of people that (for want of a better word) lack depth. They don't truly consider their impact on the other people involved, they are able to put themselves first and not value the importance of their actions.

 

Sadly some of my very good friends have chosen this route at one time or another in their lives. It really is selfish but rarely is it consciously malicious.

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But I would think there has to be some maliciousness involved as obviously there is another human beings feelings here..the one being cheated on.

I don't understand how people can willingly choose to hurt someone else, though these kinds of people are only thinking of themselves.

 

The very premises though that there is cheating involved and one cannot logically work it out that firstly, this is not a good start for anything, and secondly that they cannot figure out that more than likely this person will cheat on them eventually too....just blows my mind.

The whole concept is ill based and I would like to think that people are smarter, or of better class than this. They know right from wrong, and surely they can figure out that 9 times out of 10, this is going to be a bad thing.

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I think some people just jump head-first into something that feels good, and they just simply don't stop to consider the party getting cheated on, nor do they really care. All they care about is feeling good themselves. My ex got involved with a married woman shortly after we broke up. I imagine that she probably gave him some sob story about how much her husband sucks, and my ex loved feeling like the rescuer. It was all fun and exciting, and that's all that matters. He is very lacking in morals and empathy. He's also a commitment-phobe, and CP's often go for the unavailable types. It's all just disgusting, really.

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Commitment-phobe is definitely right. I know someone who systematically has affairs with people who have partners. They never last very long (typically less than 6 months), they're always high octane from what I can see, and she's normally the one to end them. She freely admits she's a commitment-phobe, and undoubtedly she goes for these relationships precisely because there is no possibility of commitment from the other side. I think it's incredibly selfish behaviour on her part, and I've told her so, but there we; some people are like that.

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But I would think there has to be some maliciousness involved as obviously there is another human beings feelings here..the one being cheated on.

I don't understand how people can willingly choose to hurt someone else, though these kinds of people are only thinking of themselves.

 

The very premises though that there is cheating involved and one cannot logically work it out that firstly, this is not a good start for anything, and secondly that they cannot figure out that more than likely this person will cheat on them eventually too....just blows my mind.

The whole concept is ill based and I would like to think that people are smarter, or of better class than this. They know right from wrong, and surely they can figure out that 9 times out of 10, this is going to be a bad thing.

 

Yes of course you're right. But when you start realizing that good people do this..a lot...then we have to think why?

Malicious means 'intending' to do harm. Most of them don't intend to do harm per say. Perhaps They believe its the cheating partner's responsibility to make things right, not theirs. They turn a blind eye to the situation. I think it may be a case of 'out of sight out of mind'. As long as its a secret and no one knows it all seems safe and not real. And it feels so good connecting with this person, having these great feelings. The beginning is alway the best. Only when everything blows up and they are faced with seeing the consequences do they realize that what they are doing has had such an impact on another persons life.

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I think like anything else we can't really pick one or two specific reasons why this happens. There are so many factors it's going to be impossible to list them all and all of the different circumstances around this type of happening.

 

One of the things I do know is our society does not teach people how to have their own boundaries and self-esteem, how to have lives not tied to having a partner, and on top of that we are force fed crap by the media. Affairs are fun! Everyone is doing it! You deserve to do it too! All that sort of junk that is really just about advertising and selling things to us. Yes, I'm skeptical, but come on. How many movies do we see where the "bad boy/bad girl" is really just a great person underneath and that other woman or man who is the partner over there is really just a terrible person who deserved to get cheated on/dumped so our hero/heroine could get the brass ring?

 

It's why I don't do rom coms. Give me sci-fi, super-heroes and anyone tossed into a bad situation who has to come out fighting. That's how most people's lives really are anyways and a whole lot more honest than "true love conquers all no matter who you have to step on to get it" which is just drivel.

 

Plus we simply aren't usually trained or knowledgeable in how not to get manipulated. Most people, and myself at one time yes, just kind of blunder along and find things out the hard way. Including that when that guy or gal starts hanging around you at work complaining about their partner and angling to get you alone maybe, you know, they're pulling a con on you. They aren't the love of your life, just someone good at manipulating others to get what they want.

 

A few people just lack empathy and are expletives too. Add to that someone who just isn't that smart fed a steady diet of porn and princess movies and yeah, this is what they come up with for their "grand love."

 

I don't think "good people" would have more than one affair if that. I mean, most of the people I see posting on here wanting to get with someone who is in a relationship are either incredibly naïve and not that bright or they lack empathy and the willingness to reason out consequences. A few have other issues like having loved someone at one point who comes back around to manipulate them and exploit earlier feelings. And then you do have situations like the one in the book "The Lovely Bones" and that's something else entirely. I just read that book again, heart breaking and beautiful all at the same time. But I digress.

 

It's a pretty mixed bag and all we can do is tell everyone heading for the cliff with the danger signs plastered all over it that they may not want to go driving their cars over that particular "road." Life itself will end up teaching them one way or another that typically if you "win" the heart of a cheater, that's pretty much what you usually end up with, a cheater.

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I can't really explain, even though I have seen this so many times, and I won't deny, it's happened to me too (to like a guy who was unavailable). I have also been on the other side, where chicks developed crushes on my boyfriends and wouldn't give a flying eff that they were with me. I can understand liking someone who is not available, I really can. After all, we can't choose who we like. The part I don't understand is how some people think it's ok to actually go for it and make their feelings and intentions known, without any regard towards the relationship and the person they hurt in the process.

To me, I was never able to actually do anything. Yes I liked them, and hey, had I allowed something physical to happen, the guys were more than willing. But I couldn't, I always pictured their partners sitting at home thinking they were in loving relationships, and that right there was enough to kill any desire I may have had to get close to said guys. Plus, seeing how willing they were to cheat and hurt their unsuspecting girlfriends/wives was a major turnoff for me, it showed me how lucky I was that they were not my problem to deal with. So yeah, I can't explain the mentality of someone who knowingly helps a cheater cheat.

If I had to venture a guess, I would say it's those who are emotionally unavailable themselves who are ok with being side dishes. They avoid being with single people because that usually involves commitment, and they are unable or unwilling to offer that. Then, there are those with malicious intent, who want to prove to themselves that they are 'better' than someone's partner and that they have what it takes to win the partner over. I have even had a few females tell me that they go after taken guys only because the pool of single guys sucks, while all the quality guys are taken. I mean, there are all kinds of people out there, with all kinds of motivations, so I don't think we can ever blame only one specific reason for this problem that appears to become more and more prominent these days.

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  • 4 weeks later...
I have seen a number of threads on here now that have to do with a person being interested in someone who is already involved with someone else.

Whether it be a girlfriend/boyfriend, or in a marriage that is not happy, or a marriage that is having no problems.

My question is, why would anyone seek to be with someone already involved? What good can come out of this? And where are the morals?

 

This is how I ended up with my 'partner'. It's not something I regularly do and with quite a large age gap neither of us expected it to happen. He'd been with the woman for 14 year and had a daughter wth her. He ended up having an affair with me but ended his relationship with her just 2 weeks into being with me as he's not that sort of person. The simple answer is the fact that they're either simply not in love with their spouse/partner anymore, they don't care or it wasn't expected. In my case, he would never have guessed I'd have been interested and vice versa. We hot close through work and our personalities just clicked. It's usually nothing against the woman he's been unfaithful to I assume, just his own feelings. I hope this helped!

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This is how I ended up with my 'partner'. It's not something I regularly do and with quite a large age gap neither of us expected it to happen. He'd been with the woman for 14 year and had a daughter wth her. He ended up having an affair with me but ended his relationship with her just 2 weeks into being with me as he's not that sort of person. The simple answer is the fact that they're either simply not in love with their spouse/partner anymore, they don't care or it wasn't expected. In my case, he would never have guessed I'd have been interested and vice versa. We hot close through work and our personalities just clicked. It's usually nothing against the woman he's been unfaithful to I assume, just his own feelings. I hope this helped!

 

It "helps" in that it gives a view at the mindset of complete selfishness, entitlement, convenient excuses, and lack of remorse of those who help cheaters cheat.

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I feel like in this day and age people don't value their relationships. I see this everywhere. I've experienced it first hand. Men hitting on me knowing I'm in a relationship or women going after my bf knowing he was taken. It seems like this is in style. For people with strong morals and values, this type of thing is not acceptable and will never be.

Even happy people cheat. I just don't understand it. There's no way I would feel good about myself being on either end of something like that. Why is it so prevalent?

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