Complicated relationship I can't leave, do I do?

[sanox]

Hi first post, hopefully in right place.

SORRY ITS REALLY LONG.

 

Okay, me and my girlfriend have been together just under 2 years now. First 6 months were bliss (as expected). Then things got a bit more challenging, also as expected.

 

My GF had been in one previous long term relationship for 7 years where she was abused, emotionally, physically and was cheated on. She was put down all the time and now finds it really hard to trust, and she's The most insecure person I've ever met. It was after the first 6 months period where all this began to show. Constant remarks trying to guilt trip me into feeling responsible for her feelings. Always sulking when Id TALK to my female friends, but would otherwise tell me it's fine to have girl mates and it wasn't that upsetting her (it was). She constantly brought up her previous relationship and would insinuate I was going behind her back like he did. Couldn't even go to mcdonalds at 1030pm without a "are you sure you're going to mcdz? And not seeing some hoe..".

 

It was suffocating, and it was the sulking that made it the worst. Because it felt like she was trying to manipulate me. Into feeling guilty, into taking responsibility for what she was feeling.

 

I realise it takes two. It wasn't all her fault. I had a pretty bad bout if depression from about the 8 month mark. I never took it out on her though. She tried to be understanding; but because of her past she took everytging so personal. Everything I was struggling with in my depression, she ended up making it about herself. It wasnt all bad though. Otherwise it would have been easy to leave.

 

At about 10 months I'd had enough and wanted out. So I told her. I was honest, but It was so hard without it sounding like I was blaming her. It destroyed her everything I was saying. She ended up self harming. Again, I'm sure, trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry and staying. It worked. She has a 5 year old son too that played a part in my decision to stay.

What would happen to him if his mother had a breakdown? She doesnt have the best support system fanily-wise which also made it hard to leave.

Anyhow I stayed, and she made promises to work on her insecurities and try abit harder at not being possessive with me.

 

2 months later nothing had changed. We were still in the same place, I was still depressed, and I wanted leave even more. So on our year anniversary (worst time ever, I know) I tried to break it off again. I didn't want to be fake and pretend everything was all good for the sake of an anniversary, while I was feeling how I was. I told her I wanted to see other people (that broke her heart and she constantly goes back to this point).

It destroyed her again; but still she didn't want me to leave. She has a massive fear of being alone and no one wanting her. We had about 2 weeks time out then came together to talk again.

 

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS COMPLICATED. We talked, I said I still wanted to leave and still had all those feelings and resentment, she was still a mess and not accepting of any of it. So I went n stayed at my mum's and about an hour after I left she txt me that she'd done a test and she was PREGNANT.

So for the next couple weeks the pressure was on me to decide if I was staying or leaving. If I left she was going to abort... I couldn't accept that, so I stayed.

She was insecure about the fact that I wanted to leave her to see other people, so I promised to commit to her, her son and our future little daughter. I promised to try my hardest to make this work and she promised to do the same. I told her it was only going to work if we get help for her insecurities and help to workthrough the trauma of her past relationship.

 

I had hope. But alas nothing changed. I tried to be more understanding, and that when she lashed out it wasnt personally at me but it was deep rooted in her psyche to react how she did. I kept asking to try therapy, bit she didn't believe talking to someone would do anything.

Anyway, during pregnancy we had our ups and downs; good and bad times. Insecurities got worse but I understood it was the pregnancy, body issues etc so I tried to not take it personally.

 

We now have a 4 week old daughter, and we've been trying to Make it work. But GF constantly goes on about it not being like it was at the start, she says I come home from work n go straight to my daughter with no thought of her. She tells me I don't kiss her, dont hug her or tell her I love her; then we discuss it and It turns out I do do those things on a daily basis. I do try and show my love, but it's hard when you're working full time n getting 3 hours sleep with a newborn (not that I ever regret having my little beautiful baby).

 

But I've had enough. Her not being able to accept that were not in the honeymoon period anymore, constantly sets her off. She's constantly comparison our relationship to other peoples, or how ours used to be. And it really gets to me. It makes me feel like all that I am doing means nothing.

 

I just don't know what to do. If I leave she's gonna breakdown and it worries me how it's gonna affect my daughter. Is she even gonna let me see my daughter.

 

As you can see what's keeping me here is the well-being of my little one. And where does the responsibility with me lie, because I hate feeling like I'm blaming her for everything (maybe because she's guilt tripped me into feeling this way?)

 

Help pls.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like things have been awful for quite some time. Staying just for the kid will be misery. Do you want to stay or do you feel like you are being held hostage by this situation?

she's The most insecure person I've ever met.

 

Couldn't even go to mcdonalds at 1030pm without a "are you sure you're going to mcdz? And not seeing some hoe..".

[ControlDenied]

I can relate a LOT with your story. Here are some things you must consider.

- You will never fix her. This is how she sees the world. You may waste years trying but it will only lead to frustration, then resentment.

- there is pain either way: or you either deal with the pain of breaking up or with the pain of staying

- your daugther will learn to be a woman from mom.(Sad prospect)

- you will have better chance of giving your daughter a healthy rolemodel and a healthy household by yourself than with your girlfriend

- if you leave now, you may retain some of the respect your girlfriend has for you. The more you stay the more she will find reasons to make you the source of her unhappyness.