I need help... I've become obsessed

[Derek1985]

I'm not coping at all. I have decent days, but my mind always switches back to obsessing over my ex. The relationship was not a good one, as I was in a dark place with the death of my best friend. It led to me being emotionally distant and down right mean to her causing us to be on and off until she got the strength to move on. We became friends after the break up for 8 months until she met someone that she fell in love for, and that was where our friendship ended. I accepted it for a bit and then it hit me that I didn't want to let her go,

 

I tried doing my best to stay out of her life by taking up new hobbies, exercising more, going on dates, and working more. But ultimately, nothing helped, I still obsessed myself wondering how her and her new guy were doing, and if she would ever come back. Eventually I messaged her about being friends again. It was great for a couple weeks, until I started to question how her relationship was. She told me she never been happier and never met a man so good for her and eventually told me we probably shouldn't be friends, because it would hurt her relationship. Hearing that left a scar on me, because when we were together she talked to her ex husband all the time, so hearing that she was willing to change for this guy but not for me, just really cuts me deep. So she blocked me and we went on.

 

Eventually everything was becoming too much and I texted her from an app and it really agitated her, and I kept pushing to try to be in her life and cussed her out when she said she didn't want to hurt her relationship , in which she threatened to get a restraining order if I don't leave her alone.

 

Now, I'm not looking for pitty, as I know I've been immature and disgusting. But I need help to move on and close this chapter for good. I'm 31 and she's 26, and I've been in several other relationships, but none of which have destroyed my pride like this one. I feel like I won't meet someone like her again, she is truly a rare soul and treated me with so much respect, loved me hard, tried to enjoy my hobbies with me, and all the things you'd want from a perfect lover. But I let my dperesion ruin things. I have so much regret and guilt. I'm starting therapy on the 18th, but I really need some tough love to keep me from doing something stupid like reaching out to her again.

[Wiseman2]

This is why no contact is for you. For you to heal and not hear stuff like that. Just keep busy with your hobbies exercising, work dates friends and family and good idea to unravel this in therapy.

 

This is especially something you don't want to hear: 'she threatened to get a restraining order if I don't leave her alone'.

I started to question how her relationship was. She told me she never been happier and never met a man so good for her and eventually told me we probably shouldn't be friends, because it would hurt her relationship. So she blocked me

Same girl?

[Derek1985]

Yes sir. I definitely haven't progressed or learned from my lesson since I posted that. I need some people to hit me with reality so I don't continue on this stupid path

[Wiseman2]

I think the retraining order thing must have been a jolt in that direction, no?

I need some people to hit me with reality so I don't continue on this stupid path

[Derek1985]

It wasn't. She has threatened it multiple times and I've reached out to her. But I want this to be the last, which is why I schedule therapy, but the closest session isn't until the 18th. I've deleted and blocked her number and any type of contact with her, but of course I have her # memorized in my head

[gebaird]

This girl just taught you the most valuable lesson you will ever learn. Express your gratitude by leaving her the h*ll alone, and the next time you are in a relationship with such a rare gem, make the most of every moment you have with her.

 

I've been there too. My best friend died and I went to a very dark place, treating the people around me like sh#t. I lost the best love I've ever known, but because of that experience I learned to treasure the people I care about. You never know when they'll be gone.

[LadyRayne]

I'm glad you are starting therapy... You need to talk and talk and talk and get this out... Stop contacting her.. Stop looking at her social media it will only destroy you further.. You know sometimes people just don't work out and no matter how much you love them doesn't mean they can return those feelings... You will meet someone in the future whether you can believe it or not at this point in time.

 

Work on yourself and when the time is right you can start a new relationship with a clean slate

[Derek1985]

This girl just taught you the most valuable lesson you will ever learn. Express your gratitude by leaving her the h*ll alone, and the next time you are in a relationship with such a rare gem, make the most of every moment you have with her.

 

I've been there too. My best friend died and I went to a very dark place, treating the people around me like sh#t. I lost the best love I've ever known, but because of that experience I learned to treasure the people I care about. You never know when they'll be gone.

I really really needed to read this. Thanks!

[Clabs]

Hi Derek

 

Your situation sucks mate but the good news is that you have been man enough to fess up about how you messed things up. You deserve respect for that.

 

For a start, you need to think about her needs and her dreams. You admit that you messed up, she eventually found someone that does meet her needs, and you should respect her decision - hard as it might seem to you right now.

 

You need to stay right away from anything to do with her because it will only hurt you more and you know this.

 

It is great that you are seeking therapy but at the same time, very frustrating, I am sure, that your appointment is a way away.

 

In the mean time, post on here as soon as you feel the urge to contact her. Nobody will get fed up with you and if you take it a step further and try and help others that might be in similar shoes then you will likely find that in itself, quite therapeutic.

 

Things will get better mate - but you have to take things a day at a time and try to keep looking forward rather than keeping yourself in a crappy past.

 

Hope you start feeling a bit more positive real soon.

 

Mark

[Hollyj]

I always think it's interesting how attractive the ex becomes, when they find a new love. You were friends with her for 8 months, and didn't try to reconcile. Hmmm.

 

I'm sorry, for your friends death, but it is no excuse to be emotionally abusive. I see the pattern is continuing with the harassment: control issues and disrespect.

 

Leave her alone. You're actions are scary!!!

[Derek1985]

Actually I did want to fix things, that why we agreed on being friends at the time. She wanted to work on herself before dating again. She would still come over and make out with me during those 8 months and stay the night and same with me going over there. Then the last month she just started getting distant, and I gave her space, then she hit me with the news. So I feel like I was led on for that time, but it was probably my fault

[Hollyj]

This is why you do not try to be 'friends' after you split. It will always bite you in the a$$.

 

NC is key. Leave her alone. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND! I know how she feels and it is scary when an ex behaves in this manner.

[Tinydream]

Actually I did want to fix things, that why we agreed on being friends at the time. She wanted to work on herself before dating again. She would still come over and make out with me during those 8 months and stay the night and same with me going over there. Then the last month she just started getting distant, and I gave her space, then she hit me with the news. So I feel like I was led on for that time, but it was probably my fault

 

This is a tough situation as it sounds like you two became basically 'friends with benefits' or 'ex's with benefits' after the initial breakup. You were already emotionally attached due to having dated her already. Yes, maintaining contact and allowing yourself to float around in that grey area was your fault, but it was also hers. When a loving relationship ends, both parties must have enough respect for one another to let it go and behave appropriately in order for both of them to move on.

 

I feel for you I really do, what you're going through now is very difficult. But she has expressed that she is happy with someone else and you need to accept that. Take this time to focus on yourself and your hobbies/interests if you can, try to distract yourself.

[polaris]

Actually I did want to fix things, that why we agreed on being friends at the time. She wanted to work on herself before dating again. She would still come over and make out with me during those 8 months and stay the night and same with me going over there. Then the last month she just started getting distant, and I gave her space, then she hit me with the news. So I feel like I was led on for that time, but it was probably my fault

 

She used you to lessen the pain of the break up until she was ready to move on with someone else, and unfortunately you let her. Lesson learned, going NC from the start is a lot less painful.

 

If you want motivation to go and stay NC now, then consider this: without any question, she wants you to leave her alone, so the only thing you can do which will improve her opinion of you at this point is to do exactly that, leave her alone. Every day that you go through in which you don't contact her, is one day in which your self-respect and her good opinion of you, remain intact. Once you get through one day, then focus on getting through the next day still keeping them intact. Remind yourself every day that you're doing this because you know it's good for you and you know it's what she wants as well and it's the only thing you can do to improve her opinion of you. In time, maybe years down the line, you might actually be able to be friends with her again. But you have to have a period of NC first, and that starts now.

[bison67]

Holy thought this was my story! Im pretty messed up and was in the friend role and pushed out as well, what a pain..... Well im 2.5 years post BU and still hung up and as obsessed as ever too, so if you figure it out let me know! I guess all we can do is "try to move on" and maybe we will one day. Ive got my dream job now, im amazing shape, financially secure, get attention from tons of girls there is just one problem... I dont want any of them, i want my ex still in my heart, the girl who wasnt perfect, but perfect for me! Also still beating myself for 100% ruining our relationship and losing the girl i loved so much (alcoholic cheating). So who knows man....