It just gets worse

[mschristmas]

I know this sounds like a whinge and I really don't want it to sound like that.

 

When I my ex husband left me years ago he left me with three children to bring up on my own. My ex husband's reasons for not loving me anymore was that the only thing we had on common was our children. He used spend all week in the City and coming back just at weekends. I always suspected there was someone else and this person he ended up marrying and starting a new family with.

 

This period in my life was the hardest I had ever had to bear. I loved my husband dearly and he was the centre of my world and it took me years to get over him. I struggled on for my children's sake, eventually falling into depression. I didn't make a good job of being a mother struggling on my own BUT my kids turned out alright so I must have done something right!

 

Anyway, I never had any relationships bringing up my kids I just felt they had to come first.

 

About four years ago I began a relationship with someone who had children the same age as mine. The timing seemed perfect my children were all settled and very happy for me to have someone in my life. We had some good times together. He has his place and I had mine. He got on with my kids BUT he was estranged from his. He said that his ex -wife had turned them against him because he had left to set up home with another woman. That never worked out and he found a place for himself. When I met him his daughter was okay with him but not his son.

 

As time went by my children left home one by one. I retired from my full time job in 2012 to look after my ailing father and support my mother.

 

I always got the impression from this person that he was a decent guy. He was nice to me and blamed his wife for everything that went wrong his life. He had a demanding job and was very devoted to his family who came back to him in the end.

 

As the years past we referred to each other as partners and I sorted out my finances (eventually) with my ex husband and, for the first time in my life I was free and financially independent. My partner life still jogged along as before. He stayed with me every night and would get up at 6 to go back to his home to work.

 

There was never any talk of marriage between us and he talked about things changing vaguely when he retired..we are both in our fifties.

 

Gradually, he started putting his family before me. I don't think he intended it to happen but the pull of his family was too, too much. Whether it was guilt I didn't know. Although he spent every evening with me I always felt that he used me and my home to fill the gaps inbetween work and his family.

 

This year things came to a head when I felt used and second best. We talked about earlier in the year and he told me that i held all of the cards.

 

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago a dear friend told me that she thought I was being treated like a mistress and I agreed with her. I felt that there was no future for us. I thought he was boring, he rarely took any interest in me and did most of the talking in our relationship. I blame myself but I just gave up and listened to him, just for a quiet life. He was prone to be volatile and would shout, slam doors and flounce off. I just felt I was third in line to his family and work.

 

I spoke to him and told me that I felt lonely with him and was very unhappy. I told him that i felt like I was a mistress and was fed up with being 3rd in line to his family. Basically, I was very surprised by his reaction. I thought he would accept it and be relieved too because he often told me how he spent too much time with me and neglected his own house. I was very upset about dumping him, especially after I had had the same thing happen to me by my ex husband. It took a lot of courage for me to do that.

 

However, now that it had happened and I am relieved and I really thought I could start getting on with my life. I had not anticipated the hostility from my ex partner. I thought I had been respectful in speaking to him face to face and agreed for him to come to my home to collect his things. We did not live together. I have reasonable and have not discussed what happened with any of our friends or social circle. If anyone asked I would just say that that we had drifted apart and wanted different things in life now.

 

My ex partner has taken it really badly and is extremely upset. He is speaking to mutual friends and getting them to speak to me so that I can hear his side of things. I had gone no contact with him so that we could have some space to come to terms with things. I know I was the one to call a halt but the reasons were the demands of his work and his family and that I felt I was being used. I appear to have been made out to be the villain for doing this to him. He says that he is devastated, that he will always love me and that I should have spoken to him..this is all via mutual friends.

 

Yet, when my husband left and I turned to mutual friends for support...I got nothing but silence or 'there is too sides to every story'.

 

Having gone through this with my ex partner I do now understand in some ways how my exhusband had felt when he had nothing in common with me.

 

My ex partner has far more support than me he has his work, he has his family and he has our mutual friends. My children all live abroad and I only have my aged mother who has Alzheimers and needs me more now than ever.

 

It just seems so unfair that I seemed to have been saddled for the blame for the break up of my marriage and now I have been blamed again for the failure of my relationship. I am beginning to think that I'm the one with the problems!

 

All my girlfriends have been very supportive and have told me that I have made the right decision for me but other mutual friends not so.

 

Is this normal feel like this?

[hrat791]

He was nice to me and blamed his wife for everything that went wrong his life...

 

So first this guy blames his wife for everything that went wrong, and now he is blaming you as well. This guy sounds like someone who doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and wants to shift the problems to someone else.

 

You stated that some of your girlfriends are supportive of your decision, while others are not. Why are the others NOT supportive of your decision? What specific reason do they have?

 

Also, it is normal to feel like you're the one in the wrong. My first two serious relationships failed, and they both had a common factor, ME. So I always pointed to MYSELF as the problem, but that isn't the case. It's very hard to find someone that can mesh well with how you work and fulfill your needs/wants. Finding 2 people that don't work out is actually more likely than finding people who do.

[DancingFool]

The thing about couples and mutual friends is that when you stop being a couple, those mutual friends will end up picking a side and quit being mutual. Some will end up being your friends and some his. Unfortunately, that means that you will need to boot out all those who have taken his side and are now hounding you about the break up. They are no longer your friends. That, however is pretty normal and typical in pretty much any break up.

 

As for you being surprised at how he is acting....he showed you from the very beginning who he is "He was nice to me and blamed his wife for everything that went wrong his life." That was the red flag the size of China and means that he is type of an individual who doesn't take or accept responsibility for his actions. Not only that but when things go South between him and any woman, she will always be the culprit who destroyed his life, no matter how much he contributed to that himself. He will always see himself as a victim and will publicize that just like he did with you about his ex wife.

 

The only thing wrong with you is that you come across as extremely passive and willing tolerate a lot of bad behavior from men instead of being more assertive and putting them out to the curb when they show you bad character traits.

[hrat791]

As for you being surprised at how he is acting....he showed you from the very beginning who he is "He was nice to me and blamed his wife for everything that went wrong his life." That was the red flag the size of China and means that he is type of an individual who doesn't take or accept responsibility for his actions. Not only that but when things go South between him and any woman, she will always be the culprit who destroyed his life, no matter how much he contributed to that himself. He will always see himself as a victim and will publicize that just like he did with you about his ex wife.

 

You and I must think alike

[gebaird]

You are better off without this in your life:

 

He was prone to be volatile and would shout, slam doors and flounce off.

 

If you are unhappy in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to end it. You did the right thing. The fact that he reacted badly is not a reflection on you -- it's a reflection on him. Your mutual friends are being used to manipulate you. Distance yourself from those negative voices so you can rebuild your shattered self-esteem. Sometimes people come into our lives claiming to love us without really knowing what love is or being fully capable of offering it. Real love is about listening, not just talking. It's the focal point of our lives, not an afterthought. And if it ends, it ends with a whimper -- not a bang.

 

Be glad he's gone. In time you will find peace again.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he did't take it well but at least he's not acting crazy. Don't worry about the mutual friends it's all he said-she said hearsay and gossip. It was a good idea to go no contact.

 

I think telling him you felt like a mistress was unnecessary and blaming his work family time as well. He just didn't meet your needs. It doesn't sound like anyone is blaming you, just that you decided to dump him.

I spoke to him and told me that I felt lonely with him and was very unhappy. I am relieved and I really thought I could start getting on with my life. He is speaking to mutual friends and getting them to speak to me so that I can hear his side of things.

Same guy?

[LadyRayne]

Absolutely what Dancingfool said... He has taken no responsibility for his own actions or inactions in the relationship and will always be the victim in his own eyes. I wouldn't worry too much about what others think about your relationship or how it ended they didn't walk in your shoes and if you're feeling like you're the one in the wrong in this matter that's probably a symptom of how he's conducted himself and treated you.

 

That he can twist the situation around so much that you start questioning yourself. I would distance myself from those who continue to carry his comments to you. It serves no purpose to enable him to keep telling you how much a victim he is through these mutual friends... if he had something to say he should have told you to your face instead of getting others to be the messenger and get sympathy from them.