My wife's new job

[djs928]

I need some advice. My wife recently got a new job as a teacher. I used to teach as well, but I realized that it just wasn't for me. She has a lot of work to do to get everything set up before school starts. I have helped her out as much as I can, but I have a lot of stuff going on at my work as well. I get home at night and just need to unwind from everything I've had to deal with at work. She gets home and starts working again. Then she gets mad at me because I'm not asking her what I can do to help her out. The truth is I don't want to help her after a long day at work. I have helped her a lot already. I got out of teaching because I didn't like it. It feels like I leave my regular job to go home and do my second job. She gets so mad at me for not trying to help her out. She says that she feels like she is in this alone. I have gone to her classroom for the past three weekends to help her get stuff ready. What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel about the whole situation? I feel like if I do she's just going to get mad and say I'm not supportive of her. Someone help!

[Wiseman2]

With a new job/profession she needs to learn to prepare/manage on her own. Just support her that she has the skills to do it on her own, tell her you have confidence in her. You should not be doing her job in addition to your own. Offer to do something else around the house while she does her prep work.

Then she gets mad at me because I'm not asking her what I can do to help her out. The truth is I don't want to help her after a long day at work.

[DancingFool]

Help her out how? If she means pick up more chores at home, sure. If she means help her do her job, no way. Her job is her sole responsibility and the only support you can provide is by not getting in her way and by picking up some house chores. That's about it. Her job demands are her personal responsibility the same way that your job demands are your personal responsibility. You don't take work home and ask your spouse to do it for you.

 

So, I would just put it her that way. I'll pick up some house chores, but your work demands are on you. So what if she pitches a tantrum about it. Stay firm and tell her that you will not do her homework for her.

 

Her expectations are not reasonable and that's that. I hope for your sake, that once the newness and the nerves wear off, she'll settle down.

[gebaird]

I think it's important for her to take accountability for the decision she made to take the teaching job. Obviously in her mind one of the perks was that she's married to a former teacher who can help her learn the ropes, but those expectations need to be adjusted. It's one thing for her to ask you for advice, another to ask you to pitch in and help. How would she feel if you came home and asked her to help you with your work? I suspect she is anxious to do a good job, and it's new to her so at the moment it requires a lot of effort. She may even be going above and beyond the call of duty because she wants to make a good impression, but those are her choices created by her fears and anxieties. It's her job to manage those. Let her know you love and support her, but the school hired her, not both of you. I think it will get better as she starts to feel more comfortable in her job, but she needs to recognize that she is making unreasonable demands on her husband. Love is about partnership, not indentured servitude. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

[luminousone]

As you probably already know from your experience, the first year is the most stressful. It just takes so much physical and mental prep to get ready. And you never quite feel you are done.

 

Yes, her job is her job. But she sounds like she is panicking, so it is a good thing to support her. I may differ a bit from others here, but I think you should help her out but within limits, as a compromise. Because that is what spouses do.

 

Think about what you can do as a set schedule, to set some boundaries. And i like that idea of which of her chores you will take over. Then have an honest talk with her - and let her know how much you love and support her. But that your own work is suffering if you don't get the mental and physical down time needed.

 

Then let her know what you will do, as a compromise, in terms of chores, and a few hours help per week (set the day and time and stick with it).

 

Then, things you can do to support her through the year- flowers and a card on her first day and other random times, delivered to the front office. Sweet notes of encouragement in her lunch or on the breakfast table. Making dinner at least half the time (I'm about ready to prep a bunch of freezer meals that cook in the cockpot). Doing at least half of the chores (laundry, vaccuming, cleaning bathroom and kitchen, yard work, etc.) Helping her move furniture and set up the classroom (but then excusing yourself to do your own errands).

 

In order to set the tone for the coming years, it is important for you to set those boundaries, but understand that she really does need some extra help this year because it is all new.

 

If she gets mad at you, don't get mad back. Simply tell her you love and support her and you are proud of her.

[tattoobunnie]

The first year is the toughest for any teacher starting out!

 

Did she need you to pitch in more with chores? Or do her work? You've been in the groove with work for a while now. I'd cut her some slack for one more month - let her get her groove on.

[j.man]

I don't even proof read my girlfriend's work. It's a ticking time bomb until you goof and now it's a relationship conflict. Help her around the house. Don't touch her work.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you need to set some boundaries with her and you do that by telling her what you will and will not help her with. If she expects you to DO her work rather then she DO it... well, no! If you help because she needs more then two hands to accomplish it, then you will help her but you're not going to take over.

 

Reassure her that in time, she will learn how to organise better and cut corners that are not 100% necessary to facilitate a successful and dedicated teaching year. She's panicked and I think that helping her with boundaries in place would be the loving thing to do. If you compromise then I suspect that neither of you will harbour resentment toward the other. Yes?

[tattoobunnie]

You could also say, "hey, I'm cool with helping you usually, but I had a really tough day, and could use my time to unwind. Is it something you can tackle on your own this time?"

 

In reality, I work alot. My husband was working part-time a few years back, and I still helped him out with his starter company, and we just had a kid. A little rephrasing and diverting helps in this scenario - encouragement - I don't see how dropping her like a box of rocks would help. Her yelling at you for not helping - it's nerves - don't take it personally - but you need to find encouraging ways to explain that you need time to decompress.

[ThatwasThen]

You could also say, "hey, I'm cool with helping you usually, but I had a really tough day, and could use my time to unwind. Is it something you can tackle on your own this time?"

No because then he's just opening himself up to "No it isn't something I can tackle on my own, if I thought I could, then I wouldn't be crying right now because you won't help me"

 

In reality, I work alot. My husband was working part-time a few years back, and I still helped him out with his starter company, and we just had a kid. A little rephrasing and diverting helps in this scenario - encouragement - I don't see how dropping her like a box of rocks would help. Her yelling at you for not helping - it's nerves - don't take it personally - but you need to find encouraging ways to explain that you need time to decompress.

Yes, I agree that he needs to communicate his need to decompress but he should be doing it without enabling her an out from doing her own work.

He also needs to not feel guilty for telling her no every once in a while. Particularly when she's capable of doing it herself but may just have gotten used to him always saying yes.

[tattoobunnie]

Yeah, but we don't know what she's really asking help with - all we know is he's gotten frustrated, and she's been anxious. He's already tried blowing her off without talking to her about why. Time to try something different.

 

I don't see how when my husband and I help eachother out with work matters, it's enabling poor behavior. We are a rock for each other.

[j.man]

By having your partner help you with your work, you put them in an unfair position to share responsibility in it. There are a million other things they can do to ease her burden that you already share responsibility for. If you can't do your job even with someone taking your household responsibilities off your hands, that's not good and it's certainly not something to enable.

 

Recently, my girlfriend had a 70 hour week at the hospital, had organize a presentation for an out of state conference, and still needed to get her boards studying in. I told her not to worry about the house or dinner for the next couple weeks and she was able to lock herself in the office and get her **** together.

 

If she'd asked me to dig up some figures from a journal or help her format her PowerPoints, I would have told her in much kinder words to **** off.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't see how when my husband and I help eachother out with work matters, it's enabling poor behavior. We are a rock for each other.

That's nice that you and he are on the same page. The Op is not happy with the amount of the rock she's straddling him with. He's told us what he's actually done for her and it looks like lots to me. I wouldn't expect my husband to do my work for me but rather just help me with getting the stuff out of the car and into the classroom and maybe holding the other end of something that needed tacking up. He has been in her classroom with here that last three weekends.