Should I break up with my boyfriend of two years?

[miraclesun]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Thanks in advance for reading this, and if possible, please be kind. I am not a bad person at all, I'm just at a crossroads and confused.

 

First, a blurb on my relationship: I'm a 25 year old female currently in an almost 2 year relationship with a male partner who is about 3 years old than me. We ended up dating a few years back after months of hooking up, because he was really, really into me, but the feelings were not immediately mutual, and I made that clear. Finally, in the fall of that year we made it official, but for me there was never a huge spark in the beginning. Still, we've had a good run thus far. He is a fantastic guy, and has treated me better than any other guy I have ever been with. He is intelligent, funny, charismatic, and an extremely respectful and decent man. However, on the other hand, he is not financially stable (has a really terrible job that pays AWFUL money), doesn't pay his loans back, he drinks a lot (he never gets sloppy drunk, this is more of a health concern for me), he doesn't eat well, doesn't exercise, and the majority of the time doesn't brush his teeth. He knows these habits drive me insane, and recently, they have become more of a problem. On the other hand, I have a very good job, I pay my bills and student loans, and take very good care of myself, because these things are important to me. I will admit, however, that I am a very emotional person, have Anxiety, and tend to get sloppy drunk every once in a while. I realize that last thing is a bad habit, but it wouldn't be fair for me to not admit my biggest faults. He takes great care of me throughout all of these downfalls.

 

Now, when I first started dating him, these differences were not as apparent, or did not exist. We both had pretty similar jobs back then (I was a bartender, and he was a bar-back), he had a cleaner appearance, was in much better shape, and didn't drink as much because of the hours his job demanded. Over time, it's almost as if he stopped caring, but I don't believe it was because he was comfortable with me and let himself go. I think he genuinely does not care about those things anymore, or never really did. I have often (over the last two years) found myself wondering where this was going. Neither of us are crazy about having children, but I do want to get married one day. This thought scares me, because I do not see myself marrying him. His family is wonderful, but when I spend time with them I find myself getting sad because I don't know about our future together. It has always kind of felt that way for me.

 

What I do want to say is, on a more positive note, that we have a great time together, and I do absolutely love him. I have no doubt about that. He makes me feel safe and at home, and would do literally anything for me, and I for him. We laugh, we have taken trips, etc. But we also fight, and when we do fight occasionally, it's very intense and ends in us both crying. Also, our sex life barely exists. I'm talking once a month, if that, and this is something I have tried to fix.

 

Here comes the plot twist. A new guy at my job (a bit older than my boyfriend) has recently started, and we immediately hit it off as friends, because we're both creative people. He's quieter than my boyfriend, but is not afraid to open up when he trusts someone. He is financially stable and responsible, and has a great sense of style and takes care of his physical appearance. He also has dreams and passions that he actively pursues. The other night at a work event after a bunch of drinks, we got into a really deep talk and ended up basically admitting mutual feelings for each other, but that was it, because we both knew and understood not to take it further.

 

I feel awful about this, and I know that it isn't fair to my boyfriend, which is exactly why I am here now. He deserves honesty 100%, and I feel as if this man that has come into my life has really shone a light on all of these thoughts that have been swirling my mind. Don't get me wrong, I am not someone who jumps into things. I would not leave someone I love for someone I simply like, and have recently met. All I mean to say is, this is the first time in years I have felt this way, and I almost feel like this man represents all of the things I want out of a relationship but don't have.

 

I plan on talking to my boyfriend about our relationship and what I feel we are lacking, but I can't tell if this is a situation that is beyond repair. Again, I love him and it would completely break my heart to lose him, but I truly cannot tell if this is right for me, or if I'm just getting ahead of myself worrying. I'm also very nervous about the possibility of breaking up because he's friends with everyone in our area and they all love him (no, this is NOT why I am staying with him) so any tips about that situation would be much appreciated.

 

I'm just so confused and stressed. Hell, if that wasn't obvious, it's 2 AM.

 

Thanks so much for reading

[SherrySher]

What you described with your boyfriend is a very good friendship, but you're not in love. You both have feelings of love for one another in the friendship sense and you take care of each other, but that's different than head over heels, want to marry you, type of love...and I think you already know that.

 

I think the fair thing to do is to sit down with your boyfriend and ask him how he feels and if there is a possibility of seeing other people and remaining friends.

It does sound as though his friendship means the world to you and I understand not wanting to lose that. But you do have to make a tough choice now.

Remaining in a relationship and having a great friendship and support, but no romantic love....or to venture back out and see how things go with this new man and possibly losing the friendship you have with your boyfriend.

 

No, this is not an easy choice and yes it is difficult to possibly lose someone so familiar and what you regard as safe..but it is holding you back as well. You both have different goals and needs and it won't work long term.

The only thing you need to do now, is to find acceptance that it is over and see if he wants to remain in each others lives for the friendship or not.

You deserve happiness and to be in love and no doubt you've been longing for that again, but there is a choice to be made and only you can make it.

[Chon]

Here comes the plot twist. A new guy at my job (a bit older than my boyfriend) has recently started, and we immediately hit it off as friends, because we're both creative people. He's quieter than my boyfriend, but is not afraid to open up when he trusts someone. He is financially stable and responsible, and has a great sense of style and takes care of his physical appearance. He also has dreams and passions that he actively pursues. The other night at a work event after a bunch of drinks, we got into a really deep talk and ended up basically admitting mutual feelings for each other, but that was it, because we both knew and understood not to take it further.

 

I almost feel like this man represents all of the things I want out of a relationship but don't have.

 

I plan on talking to my boyfriend about our relationship and what I feel we are lacking, but I can't tell if this is a situation that is beyond repair. Again, I love him and it would completely break my heart to lose him.

 

You're at an important cross-road here. If you want to try and make things work with your boyfriend, you definitely have to give up this friendship with this other more "successful" person (e.g. intentionally distance yourself).

 

If you don't feel like you can give up this new 'friendship', that should be your answer for whether you should break up or not.

 

If you do break up, I suggest not getting into a relationship with this new person straight away.

[LadyRayne]

The grass always looks greener when there's problems at home. I'm wondering if your bf is depressed since you say he is not taking care of himself and drinking a bit too much. Do you think he'd be open to talking to his GP.

[dave_1966]

So, it's about money and the fact that Mr New makes more?

[catfeeder]

Most people are not our match. The problem comes when we'd rather be in any relationship than to be alone, so we latch onto a less than ideal match and pass the time until we recognize that we never get any spent time back again for do overs.

 

I would not leapfrog from one guy to the next. I'd just recognize that I'm likely to find plenty of other guys attractive, and it only makes sense to free BF to find someone who will be crazy about him--I'm not that person for him.

 

We all need to play the bad guy in order to get out of bad matches. Leapfrogging from one person to the next is pretty common, but it's a booby trap. It's not against the law, but it doesn't allow for you to learn stability on your own two feet. From there, you'll make better choices about your next match. Otherwise, it's candle in the wind stuff.

 

Head high, and move yourself FORward.

[miraclesun]

No, it's not about money at all, and if you read this thoroughly I assume you would understand that. Thanks.

[miraclesun]

Thank you everyone for the great advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

[Blue Ridge]

Okay... you fight, you rarely have sex, he's letting himself go, drinking too much, underemployed, and not even brushing his teeth and grooming himself like usual. I think you are dating someone dealing with depression. Simply put, he needs to see a doctor, and if he won't, you need to leave. I would drop all dreams of the new guy for now, because it isn't fair to him to get in a rebound situation and any relationship is likely going to burn hot then burn out.

[Hollyj]

I think that you have stayed with this guy for the emotional security and friendship. This does not bode well for a future.

 

I would have a major issue with the financial instability and hygiene issues. No way! I also suggest you get some help with your issue with alcohol.

 

I suggest you find someone that fulfills both passion and friendship, or you will be miserable. Don't waste your life! Don't make this about the other guy, but your current relationship. As other have stated, do not jump into a relationship with this other guy. You need at least six months on your own, to get you to a good place.

[Wiseman2]

This shiny new guy only shines a light on all that is wrong with your current situation and how complacent and stagnant the relationship has gotten. So it may be time to reevaluate regardless of the shiny new guy. he's just a catalyst.

[HeartGoesOn]

Here comes the plot twist. A new guy at my job (a bit older than my boyfriend) has recently started, and we immediately hit it off as friends, because we're both creative people.

 

Not to sound offensive, but there's always a "plot twist" when threads of this nature are posted. As a rule, they begin by listing all of the bad points regarding their SO, which leads to "I met someone" followed by a long list of reasons as to why their choice is justified.

 

In short, this usually results in a tough lesson, as in the grass is not always greener, trade-ins tend to fail in the long term, etc, etc. With that being said, the problem needs to be faced head on, rather than looking for a quick fix.

 

I hope you find your way...

[moodindigo91]

Hey, this sounds strikingly similar to my life. I'm a 25-year-old female and living with my boyfriend of 3 years, similar problems, and similar "new guy".

 

I agree with the others, I think your boyfriend may be dealing with depression. Maybe his underemployment has really hit him hard recently, and he's just let himself go. My boyfriend recently came out to me as being depressed, and it's honestly been very difficult to deal with. He is very needy, needs contact, etc. I'm the type of person who needs to be alone. He is also underemployed as a dish washer/busser and I have a great job with great prospects. He has goals and is going to school, but it seems like we are incompatible often. However, I love him very much and we have a great time together. It took my reading these posts to realize that what we have actually does sound more like a friendship, on occasion a FWB relationship.

 

That being said, his opening up to me about his depression and his feelings have completely changed my views about our relationship. After three years, I thought he was always the problem (and he was a lot of the time, but not because of the reasons I originally thought). We greatly lacked any sort of communication, we never resolved our conflicts, and we never told each other how we really felt about certain things. We ended up in a toxic, controlling relationship that didn't get better until we broke up. I feel like this is the road you're on with you boyfriend until you have a talk. You'll have to both decide what's best for you and your relationship as a whole.

 

I wouldn't put too much thought or effort into the new guy at work. He's a work colleague (that's always dangerous territory), you'll want to intentionally distance yourself both because of your boyfriend and because of the fact that you work together, and as someone else mentioned, trade-ins rarely last long. In the event that your fling with him goes sour, you'd still have to see him every day at work and you may have to deal with rumors, etc. I don't know what kind of place you work in, but rumors were spread about me in a prior job and I didn't even date or carry on any romantic relationship with any male coworkers, I only had male friends and we frequently lunched together. Just sounds like an unpleasant situation I wouldn't want you to jump into.

[miraclesun]

Hey everyone, thanks again.

 

I agree with what has been said, and I do not plan on pursuing this new prospect any time in the near future. As I mentioned, that is not how I live my life, and I am generally very cautious and thoughtful with my choices (hence why I came here for advice). All I meant to say by bringing the new guy up is that yes, indeed, he has shone a light on everything I am lacking in my current relationship, and that the fact that I have feelings for someone else at all is worrisome to me. I am not afraid of being alone, but I do think that my relationship has turned more into a friendship than a loving and sexual relationship, and honestly that was probably the best thing that could have been pointed out to me.

 

I appreciate all of the help and support from this wonderful community! I plan on having a sit-down talk with my boyfriend about my feelings in the coming week to go over all of this.

[catfeeder]

I plan on having a sit-down talk with my boyfriend about my feelings in the coming week to go over all of this.

 

I'll credit you with already knowing this: I would exclude any discussion of forming a crush on anyone. That's of zero value, and it will make your life hell for no payoff.

 

People who raise another attraction under the guise of honesty are just trying to bait their partner into being the one who will initiate breaking up. It backfires. It turns partner into an overly demanding control freak until the manipulator can't stand it anymore and ends up breaking up anyway.

 

Spare yourself and BF that route. Decide whether this relationship has decomposed beyond negotiation before raising any problems that are beside the point. If the point is that you're unhappy and want out, I'd skip any pretense of jumping through hoops to salvage the thing. I'd have my ducks in a row, such as where I intend to live and any loose ends I'll need to tie up that BF could prevent once he knows I want out, and I'd schedule the talk to be as practical and to-the-point as possible. I'd inform family so that maybe someone could be waiting outside with a ride and a means to transport belongings most important to me.

 

If you believe that your feelings for BF are salvageable, decide what it would take to revive those--and the likelihood of that happening from a talk.