How do I stop feeling insecure about declining sex frequency with my girlfriend

[tony723]

So basically my girlfriend (21) and I (22M) have been going out for roughly 12 months. In the beginning, we would have sex roughly two or three times a week and she would be really wet so to speak. And then after a couple of months she went away on holiday, and when we started having sex when she came back, she wouldn't get wet anymore since then. And over the next few months, sex has continued to decline, to the point where I honestly don't remember the last time we had sex, maybe a month or 2 ago I'm not sure. It made me worried that I was bad at sex, so I asked her: what can I do to improve at sex. She had lots of suggestions and I implemented them. That seemed to improve sex frequency a little bit, but then after I went away on holiday for a couple of weeks, sex basically disappeared to once a month. This made me worry that I was no longer attractive to her. So I asked her: am I still attractive to you: she said yes of course, it just takes a lot to get me in the mood with my meds. But the thing is she has been taking the medication since before we started going out, and practically nothing in our life or relationship has changed. We're pretty affectionate to each other and we'll make out occasionally, but now when we make out she kinda just lays there, she's never turned on by kissing like she used to be, a while ago she actually cried when we made out and she said it was because she didn't feel anything, but she says she loves me every day and I love her. I just feel insecure because she said that she wanted to cheat on her ex because he would always reject HER for sex and that she was a sexual person and that sex was important in a relationship. Furthermore, with one of her exes she said that she had sex with him everyday. I don't understand. I think that our relationship could improve if I could just stop being insecure, but I don't know how. Oh and because we have sex so infrequently, when we do finally have sex I come in like a minute and then she jokes about me having premature ejaculation now and then, not very often though.

[ControlDenied]

Your mind is getting in the way of your ability to be the man in bed. It is 100% you. Your insecurity is kryptonite for your woman in the bedroom.

[ControlDenied]

You stop being insecure by developing high self esteem.

[lostandhurt]

This isn't about you, it is about her. Are you being somewhat insecure? Yes you are but she is doing nothing to improve the intimacy in your relationship.

 

She just lays there while you are making out? Doesn't get aroused? It sounds like the passion has gone out of your relationship for some reason.

 

The crying while you are making out is a sign of guilt. Either she has or is thinking of doing something bad or she has lost that feeling for you and feels guilty for not telling you straight out.

 

Either way after one year of dating you two should still be having more frequent sex and the way it died off is telling. I would sit down with her and ask her straight out what is going on with her and tell her to just be honest with you no matter how much it might hurt you.

 

Remember she can love you but not be IN LOVE with you or sexually attracted to you any longer.

 

This has more to do with emotions than hormones...

 

Lost

[ControlDenied]

It is 100% him. If she was in bed with Brad Pitt she wouldn't act the same way.

[ControlDenied]

It is totally about emotions. It is about her feeling safe, respected and worthy.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like a physical problem and relationship/emotional problem. Hyper-focusing on your attractiveness/virility may be taking away from some of the real issues (psychological, physical, relationship).

it just takes a lot to get me in the mood with my meds. she actually cried when we made out and she said it was because she didn't feel anything. me having premature ejaculation now and then, not very often though.

[Blue Ridge]

For the physical aspect, I can think of a few things. For starters, there is nothing wrong with lubrication. Also oral sex will do wonders for foreplay and also wet things a bit. If you are climaxing quickly, you might want to masturbate more so that you aren't "backed up" and be more prone to PE. Only once a month for someone your age isn't typical, and you have both indicated a higher frequency in the past. Now, having said all that, I don't think this is merely a physical problem. There is a reason for her decline in sex drive. I would try to get to the bottom of it, allow her to feel safe to talk. Even if what she says is uncomfortable, let her say it. Do you know what the medications are?

[ThatwasThen]

If her medication is an anti-depressant that that very well may be causing her lack of libido. In the beginning the new relationship energy would have fueled her desire but now that the honeymoon period is over and that new relationship energy has waned, its going to take more foreplay and actual pre-bedroom anticipation to get her mojo working.

 

To start off, google what medication she is on and see if it has an affect on libido. If you know through evidence that its not you, maybe you'll drop the self-talk that its all your fault and your confidence will return.

[tony723]

Thanks for all the replies. I think collectively they all have a grain of truth to them and I feel more secure now. Thank you all.

[katrina1980]

It is totally about emotions. It is about her feeling safe, respected and worthy.

 

Hmmm.... I'm kind of thinking it's more about her feeling hot and sexy!

 

Sure feeling safe, respected and worthy are important but when it's comes to sexual desire... she wants to feel sexually turned on, hot, feminine and raw animal attraction\passion!