Have I overpromised/given false hope?

[Waraqqa]

We dated for a few months and really liked each other. Things were good on a personal level. Alas, his preferred job prospect didn't go through and instead he got transferred to another continent - the one where I don't want to live, and would have some hardships alternatives to which I can't really explore right now.

 

Anyway, given the transcontinental distance, we thought and decided that there is no room for a committed relationship, realistically speaking, at least not now. So, I decided to pull the plug on the relationship. He really wanted to at least stay friends. Normally, I am usually the type of person who values friendships and stays friends with exes if they are a trustable and valuable person as he is. However, in this case, I find myself not being able to do so, at least not right now.

 

So, few days back as we spoke on the phone/skype, I told him sorry but I still view you as more than a friend, my "lenses" cannot change so fast, so I need to discontinue our communication. He asked a very natural question: "it is just for some time, right? will you be back after you heal and recalibrate, in any quality?" I carelessly and somewhat overconfidently said something like "of course, I don't want to lose you from my life completely".

 

Now I regret this phrase, because in all Honesty, I am not sure and simply don't know how I'll feel in the future.

 

Anyway, at the end we were saying bye, and he said "bye, but just for now" [meaning for whatever time period I'd need to recalibrate], and we hung up. Then I called back within a minute or two and said "you said 'bye for now' but actually I cannot promise anything". He said ok, then we hung up again.

 

I did not enjoy hearing the sadness in his voice. However, I wanted to do what felt right for me inside. I would like and might come back into his life after some months and be friends, but I simply don't know whether I actually will. I worry about what I said about not wanting to lose him permanently - I care about him, and don't want to give him false hope or promises I can't deliver. That phrase just came out somehow automatically, not fully consciously. But when I imagine him slowly languishing for weeks or months in hope of hearing from me again, it fills me both with worrying about him and guilty and obligated. I don't want to feel obligated, as I don't know what I will want in future and need to be free. And I worry that it might make things harder for him.

 

Should I send him a short follow up message clarifying that I don't know the future and can't promise anything? Or did my last comment to him already make it clear enough to "overpower" the other comment about not wanting to lose him?

 

Maybe I'm overthinking, but I worry.

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing, as difficult as it was. It seems your last communication was very clear, so leave it for now and if he contacts you for some reason, you could reinforce your sentiments/position then.

Should I send him a short follow up message clarifying that I don't know the future and can't promise anything? Or did my last comment to him already make it clear enough to "overpower" the other comment about not wanting to lose him

[Waraqqa]

Thanks, Wiseman2.

 

He won't contact me unless I do. He's a man of his word, and he doesn't like to break promises, especially the ones given to me. Since I'm the one who requested space, he stated (and I agree, as it is reasonable) that when I'm ready to come back and start talking again (whether as a friend or in whatever quality), it will be my responsibility to reach out to him; and moreover, I should do so in multiple ways (email, viber, text, etc.) so he can be sure to get it, and so that in the meanwhile his mind doesn't start playing tricks on him thinking that I may have sent something and he didn't get it.

 

I'm worried because it is my impression that my coming back is more of a "when" in his mind, but more of an "if" in my mind.

1) I feel irresponsible if I gave him false reassurance or hope that I might not deliver.

2) However much I miss him, I want to feel free and not hanging on any threads of mental obligation to come back. I might come back, but I might never come back. I might start a new life after my thesis and travel the world and become a different person, leaving the past behind.

Summa summarum, I don't want either one of us to be in any sort of subtle suspense, and that phrase about me not wanting to lose him from my life was a misplaced thing for me to say.

[catfeeder]

Normally, I am usually the type of person who values friendships and stays friends with exes if they are a trustable and valuable person as he is. However, in this case, I find myself not being able to do so, at least not right now.

 

You're only in conflict because you're questioning an old rule that is no longer practical.

 

When we're young and in school, that's really the only time in our lives where keeping some semblance of friendliness with exes serves us as we share classes and social circles. But beyond that, what does playing frienzies with exes buy us?

 

Most grown adults in their right mind would not involve themselves with anyone who still keeps an ex in the picture in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. So friendship doesn't make any sense--it's just a growth impeder.

 

Playing friendzies means trying to play happy while ex dates other people, or trying to negotiate your relationship 'around' your own dating. It prevents your own healing and ability to form a better relationship with someone who's too smart to be with you while you're in a useless sandbox.

 

I'd quit the contact with ex beyond telling him that if he ever moves back to your area, he can reach out, and if you're still available, you can meet to catch up. Beyond that, what's the point?

 

Head high, and move FORward.

[Waraqqa]

Thank you for your feedback, Catfeeder. A lot of what you say echoes my feeling, not so much in general but very much in this particular case.

 

So, should I send him a brief clarifying email then, so as to make sure he doesn't hang on a thread? That was my main question, and something I struggle with, as I'm not sure whether I've been clear enough with him.

[Blue Ridge]

I don't think anything needs clarified. Just drop all contact for a few months, then you can revisit how you are feeling.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. I think confusion comes when people restate and over state things. You told him, then you called him back, told him again,etc.

 

He may wonder why you need to keep contacting him and hammer the point home.

I don't think anything needs clarified. Just drop all contact for a few months, then you can revisit how you are feeling.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for your feedback, Catfeeder. A lot of what you say echoes my feeling, not so much in general but very much in this particular case.

 

So, should I send him a brief clarifying email then, so as to make sure he doesn't hang on a thread? That was my main question, and something I struggle with, as I'm not sure whether I've been clear enough with him.

 

No. I'd quit there unless he contacts you again, which would answer your question about clarity. In that case, I'd tell him that if he ever moves back to your area, he can reach out, and if you're still available, you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, what's the point in torturing yourselves?