Does she love me or her family ?

[Dabmarino]

I've been married now for 4 months, but had been with my wife for 7 years before we got married, I never really got to know her family before because we were on and off so much and never really had an interest to. Later on in the relationship she got pregnant I began to panick and didn't know what to do because we we were so young (this all happened in 2015 and we are 23 and 22 ) extremely young at least to me. After we found out she was pregnant she was forced to tell her parents about 4 months in.. They obviously wanted to meet me, but I was so scared after so many years to meet her parents especially under those circumstances now! I did take a long time, but eventually buikt up a little courage and went to go pay them a visit with my mom just for support. Immodestly I felt disparaged and almost looked at as the bad guy, but throughout my girls pregnancy I was providing her with everything financially and emotionally even when right before when we had a rocky relationship i worked through it and patched it up for us. I can admit I wasn't always the most supportive when I found out, but I somehow put that to the side and really began to love her and embrace her pregnancy. Her father mainly tore me down emotionally and disregarded every aspect of me helping financially or me being emotionally supportive. The only thing he seemed to be concerned about was if I was going to get married to his daughter almost as if he was in the relationship with us he kept pushing that and eventually indoctrinated it onto her. We finally had our beautiful daughter Madison a few months later and for a month a was treated like great and then it all started again... Marriage... When will it happen? she was hearing it from him everyday and I was hearing it from her an endless cycle, how could you push that on someone so much without knowing exactly their current situation regarding our relationship especially if I just met you? Even with my girl being 22 years of age he some how had a control over her where he enforced the idea of if your not married you can't move out even though she was there with MY baby. Even through that I would drive miles to see them sacrificing gas and time each day to show my constant commitment. Eventually I got so tired of traveling and hearing it I broke down and just decided to have a civil marriage and get it over with for the sake of making my girl happy and having my daughter who I care about so much by my side everyday thus sacrificing my entire life (still in my 20's) for my new found love.

So now we've been married for 5 months and so far I have been trooping and keeping myself motivated to keep going for my daughter. we have some issues, but a lot of them stem from my wife's relationship with her family I feel so blessed to have a woman who has opened my eyes to actually appreciate my own family more and love the fact that she loves my family and they love her in return, but the problem is my wife is just too obsessed her family. I felt like it was her fathers who proposed the idea so why wouldn't you also promote Independency instead of constantly enabling her to go back to their house 2-3 times a week requiring me to pick her and my daughter up every time. Her mom constantly asks her to come over and my wife never declines... She can't ever and when she's with them. When we're not with them my wife will reference each person from her family in every day conversation with me about 20 times a day. Everyday she tells me stories about her family her dad and her mother the two people who were not a bit supportive of anything I was contributing to in the begging have completely turned the other way and decided that never happened between us or we never had any friction. The problem is we are married now and I feel like I should be the one who can provide all that emotional support not constant going back to her parents, her excuse is she misses them, but it's time to grow up you wanted to get married and YOU proposed this whole idea I just trusted what you said to me and trusted your word now I'm just always feeling neglected and feel like I'm just not as important to her as her family is. She's obsessed with them and at times will buy me clothes that emulate the same style her brothers would wear. It's gone way too far and I can't stand listening to references about people who did not treat me the way I was testing their daughter. I'm the most supportive person in her life financially and emotionally, but still seems to appreciate her family more than the man she married.

 

Thanks for reading guys

[Seraphim]

There shouldn't be she loves you or she loves them she should love both of you. The issue here is that she is really young and still emotionally dependent on her parents. But love is not a one or the other situation. She needs to build boundaries with her parents and more cohesiveness with you. The horse has been put before the cart a little bit but now you will have to do this while having a family.

[DancingFool]

Two things....

 

One love is not an either/or thing. She loves her family, she loves you, she loves her child - love is inclusive and not limited to one person.

 

Two thinking that you should be the sole source of all emotional support is extremely unhealthy. Emotional support and input needs to come from a lot of places - friends, parents, significant others, co-workers, bosses, etc, etc, etc. The more sources the better and the more healthy and stable your life. In that respect I think you are young and have been lucky to never experience the suffocating needy love and debilitating drain of someone who puts all burdens on your shoulders and suck the very life out of you. Count your blessings on that.

 

Other than that, raising a kid is tough and she is lucky to have a lot of family support and needs it, so does your child. Your daughter is lucky to have that too. So early on, embrace it rather than resist it. As you all three grow into your own family, over time you will develop some boundaries quite naturally anyway. Other than that, it's not a bad thing that they moved past the rough waters and you should too. You all are a family now and nursing resentments over the past is really not making your life or your days any better. Adds nothing of value.

 

Other than that, start building up your own memorable moments together. Maybe on your days off, head out to the country or the parks or something that you all would enjoy. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, just pleasant time spent together so you have other things to talk about besides family. Don't forget a date night here and there while the family babysits. You've got it made, man, just shift your perspective a bit.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like a shotgun wedding because of her family values. She sounds close to her family, not obcessed. you will never and should not attempt to sever what seems reasonable.

 

As long as the in-laws are showing up at your house, trying to run your life, act hostilely, just chill.

I can admit I wasn't always the most supportive when I found out, but I somehow put that to the side and really began to love her and embrace her pregnancy. The only thing he seemed to be concerned about was if I was going to get married to his daughter

 

The problem is we are married now and I feel like I should be the one who can provide all that emotional support not constant going back to her parents, her excuse is she misses them, but it's time to grow up you wanted to get married

[tattoobunnie]

After years of constant push and pull from her family, I would appreciate being reunited with family too. They finally broke through some barriers, and making up for lost time. And being alone with a baby all day can be distressing. Get her a car, so you don't have to keep picking her up. Set expectations on when your quality time should be each day, and during the week. Share that you're jealous - cuz you kinda are.