advice on dating

[carolcarol123]

I am a mid-30s woman who went on 2 dates with a 43 year old guy. I'm always wary of never married 40 year old guys because I feel like they must have some issue (sorry!). He's a catch, and at the end of the first 2 dates, he says he wants to see me again. He knows I have a friend in town this weekend but said that we could try to play this weekend by ear. And if this weekend didn't work out, then the next weekend would be good. I texted him on Tuesday saying that I would be with her on Fri and Sat but Sunday would be open. If not then the next weekend.

 

He's not particularly busy at work nor are his weekends that busy. It's about 24 hours later and no response from him. And he has read receipt on his phone.

 

Am I going crazy? I feel like with his saying he wants to book another date each time I see him, he should be more text responsive. I know I'm overanalyzing because I like him, but in this day and age, people should text back within a few hours or at least the next morning.

[happpybear]

I wouldn't think much of it right now, you've only had two dates, he may be really busy with something else like a family matter etc. Or hasn't decided yet if he is available on Sunday. If I haven't heard from him by Friday night, I would forget about the proposed plans and plan other things instead. And if he happened to get back to me on Saturday or Sunday I would tell him that because I hadn't heard back from him I made other plans...

[DancingFool]

Technology being somewhat imperfect, I have a rule of two. Meaning that if I'm really interested, I'll reach out twice.

 

Anyway, so early on someone saying they want to see you again is best taken with a large grain of salt. It's really more of a time will tell if that's true or not.

[Zaphod]

I'm always wary of never married 40 year old guys because I feel like they must have some issue (sorry!).

 

You're rather falling at the first hurdle here, I think. You're missing out. Apart from the current one, of course.

 

As far as your question goes, if he is forty, he may be less text-orientated. I certainly am and I'm in my forties. Having the yardstick of old fashioned social contact to measure by, I prefer the old way. It's more romantic and exciting.

[Matt3939]

I wouldn't panic yet. BTW I'm going to be 40 in 4 months. All it takes is 1 not so great long relationship and you wonder where the time went. I wouldn't hold it against someone unless there's red flags. Sometimes things don't go as you planned in your head.

[annie24]

I wouldn't really worry because it's only been 2 dates and it's not like you two are an official couple. I'd give it some time. In the meantime, keep meeting other men.

[SherrySher]

Has he had a long term relationship...as in, lasting more than a few years? How long ago was his last relationship? Has he admitted to flings or similar?

I only ask if you know this information because it does paint a more clear picture on who he is.

My take on this...he might be someone who has had bad luck with love, or, he might be someone who is a serial dater. It's too early to tell but keep your eyes open.

[Zippy2000]

Im a male and 42 and have not married or have kids.

 

Please dotn judge us men who havent been there. Its prejudice.

[Batya33]

Is it possible he can tell that you're assuming there is something wrong with him because of his age/marital status? Until you have a time/place date planned you have to assume there is no future date. It's a positive thing that he said he was interested in seeing you again but it really is irrelevant because he didn't make a specific plan -didn't close the deal. I understand you were the one who waffled over making a specific plan but what I would do next time is make a plan in advance -but a specific one.

 

Interestingly when I was in my mid-30s and never married I had some make a similar assumption you are making about him. My husband and I started dating when I was 39 and he was 38 -never married. I would be concerned if he was 40 and had had no long term relationship yet.

[Zaphod]

Im a male and 42 and have not married or have kids.

 

Please dotn judge us men who havent been there. Its prejudice.

 

Right?

 

It's either jump over the cliff, or be judged for somehow having something wrong with you. It's a no-win.

[IAmFCA]

Right?

 

It's either jump over the cliff, or be judged for somehow having something wrong with you. It's a no-win.

 

It is not a judgment. It is an indicator of past experiences. Its like asking if someone has had sex before. It isn't good or bad, it just gives me an idea of what experiences we may have had in common and what may be new to each of us, given that we each are coming from different perspectives. When I date people who have never been in a LTR such as or akin to lasting marriage, I sometimes have felt like I brought a knife to a gun fight. There is a certain set of skills that comes with decades of coupling and uncoupling. One of my old bfs, in my 20s, dated his ex for 7 years, living together. So I let him go at 2. He remained unmarried and generally in a series of back to back LTRs into his 50s, including becoming a parent with a gf along the way. He was looking for marriage and avoiding it at the same time. Not good or bad, but not a good match for me.

[Batya33]

Right?

 

It's either jump over the cliff, or be judged for somehow having something wrong with you. It's a no-win.

 

Dating requires judging to an extent. It should not involve arbitrary prejudice but of course certain people have types they are more attracted to and the reasons why might be random/arbitrary. It's dating -it's not a colleague/co-worker situation or a supervisor involved in hiring a new employee. The person who judges too arbitrarily could miss out on a great relationship but that person is entitled to date whomever he/she chooses. I would not have dated a man in his 40s who had never had a long term relationship, period, because given my limited time to date/find a spouse I would not have wanted to risk being with someone who was incompatible with me in a fundamental way. Similarly, men declined to date me, I am sure, because I was over 35 and never married, because I wanted to have a child sooner rather than later (was I being "judged" for my desire to be a parent?), because I was petite and not tall, etc. It's called "dating".

[carolcarol123]

Just as an update- radio silence. I sense he's emotionally guarded. Also I found out that he hasn't had a LTR more than 6 months. Red alert!

[Zaphod]

It is not a judgment. It is an indicator of past experiences. Its like asking if someone has had sex before. It isn't good or bad, it just gives me an idea of what experiences we may have had in common and what may be new to each of us, given that we each are coming from different perspectives. When I date people who have never been in a LTR such as or akin to lasting marriage, I sometimes have felt like I brought a knife to a gun fight. There is a certain set of skills that comes with decades of coupling and uncoupling. One of my old bfs, in my 20s, dated his ex for 7 years, living together. So I let him go at 2. He remained unmarried and generally in a series of back to back LTRs into his 50s, including becoming a parent with a gf along the way. He was looking for marriage and avoiding it at the same time. Not good or bad, but not a good match for me.

 

Dating requires judging to an extent. It should not involve arbitrary prejudice but of course certain people have types they are more attracted to and the reasons why might be random/arbitrary. It's dating -it's not a colleague/co-worker situation or a supervisor involved in hiring a new employee. The person who judges too arbitrarily could miss out on a great relationship but that person is entitled to date whomever he/she chooses. I would not have dated a man in his 40s who had never had a long term relationship, period, because given my limited time to date/find a spouse I would not have wanted to risk being with someone who was incompatible with me in a fundamental way. Similarly, men declined to date me, I am sure, because I was over 35 and never married, because I wanted to have a child sooner rather than later (was I being "judged" for my desire to be a parent?), because I was petite and not tall, etc. It's called "dating".

 

Thank you, you two for your posts explaining this, I understand perfectly what you mean.

 

I was in fact, specifically talking about marriage, not LTR's. I agree that the absence of LTR's is an indicator, like if I met a woman in her forties who'd never had an LTR, I'd feel the same way.

 

I'm in my mid forties and have never been married or had kids. However, I've had four LTR's of four years or more. I've also had about three two year LTR's and a few six month jobbies, and a few fun three month jobbies (more like flings really). I do find sometimes that I get judged on the fact that I've never been married, even though I'm obviously perfectly capable of conducting an LTR (never been unfaithful either). Most of my LTR's have ended just naturally really, the relationship just ran its course.

 

Just as an update- radio silence. I sense he's emotionally guarded. Also I found out that he hasn't had a LTR more than 6 months. Red alert!

 

Yeah this isn't looking good.

[Batya33]

Just as an update- radio silence. I sense he's emotionally guarded. Also I found out that he hasn't had a LTR more than 6 months. Red alert!

 

Or maybe he decided he doesn't see long term potential with you. Nothing personal - but that can happen fairly typically after only 6 dates.

[annie24]

Just as an update- radio silence. I sense he's emotionally guarded. Also I found out that he hasn't had a LTR more than 6 months. Red alert!

 

i mean... to some extent. But then, I also know people in crappy relationships who stick around for years when they just should have left 3 or 6 months in.

[Ms Darcy]

You've only had two dates. It's not the end of the world if he happens to lose interest. Just don't micro-focus on him or monitor his technology usage.

[carolcarol123]

You've only had two dates. It's not the end of the world if he happens to lose interest. Just don't micro-focus on him or monitor his technology usage.

 

Thanks! I like that advice the best!