One year later... infidelity, betrayl, resentment...

[changeiscoming]

It's almost a year and a half since I posted my situation about being cheated on. Along with the previous 13+ years of my relationship. To sum it up all the emotional abuse as a way of punishing me for my own betrayal, being played as a fool after putting 5 + years to be a better person in my relationship, sacrificing things for another person to be betrayed in such a way.

 

I've questioned everything, telling myself I deserve this for what I did but at the same time I paid my dues in so many ways. Long story short I can't seem to let this go. I don't really care about all these counsellors and people telling me the relationship can become stronger if we can work through it. I have this inner hate for her, whenever I am around her all I can think about is what was done to me; first thing when I wake up I think about betrayal last thing I think about going to bed is that. And the worst part is all these people in this world and I feel so lonely like a ghost walking amongst society.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this... I know what I have to do but it hurts.

Who really wants to stay with a cheater? I've tired to leave several times only to be told I should be more understanding.

I feel like pretty low about myself accepting this type of behavior, nothing is the same and I have no idea what to do. I'm stuck in my misery and everyday I read posts of new people getting hurt. I wonder what the f#*K is wrong with the world and relationships.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry staying with a cheater you hate and resent is very ill advised, ditch these counselors asap. Be grateful you aren't married and can just walk away.

 

Use your common sense and break up rather than waste your life away in this miserable situation because some quack claims 'it will make you stronger'

counsellors and people telling me the relationship can become stronger if we can work through it. I have this inner hate for her

Who really wants to stay with a cheater? I've tired to leave several times only to be told I should be more understanding.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm just going to say this bluntly. Counseling is not always about "working it out" and "keeping together." Sometimes it's about deciding you need to let go.

 

This sounds like you need to let go and walk away. I don't care if your counselor is the best in the world, if you cannot change your heart and it's not working you need to try something different. Like ending things and letting yourself heal and move on and letting her heal and move on.

 

A counselor years ago helped me and my ex-husband come to the conclusion we should get a divorce. Yes, I know that seems strange and the automatic assumption is you go see counselors to work things out, but sometimes working things out is about "can we sustain this and grow it or not?" And if the answer for one or both is a clear resounding "No!" then you listen to that and you end things.

 

At this point, given how much time you've put into this and you're still this full of pain, I'd say it's time for maybe a different therapist and just to look at why you're continuing to walk around with broken glass in your chest simply because of other people's "now you're supposed to"s.

 

P.S. What's to "understand" about cheating? What a load of crap. Where is your partner's "understanding" that cheating often kills feelings and respect? You're seeing the wrong counselors for answers. Counseling is just a tool. It's not like these people are your parents and you're 12 and have to do what they tell you. You pay the bills, they actually work for you and are supposed to work WITH you.

 

Just pointing that out. Therapists and counselors offer a service like getting one's car fixed or buying gas. If you aren't happy with that service, don't pay for it and keep going back. Find something that works for you.

[gebaird]

It sounds to me like you've taken the advice to stay make it work and it hasn't helped. Yes it hurts to leave, but in the end you can find healing. If you stay it will also hurt and you'll never find healing. The solution is simple, but not easy. Forgiveness is about the past. Perhaps without the daily reminder of what happened to you, forgiveness will eventually come. But trust? That's a different thing entirely. Trust is about the future. I don't hear any hope for the future in your words. You are emotionally saturated, to the point where you can't smile or appreciate a sunrise or autumn leaves because everything is about betrayal. You have a knife in your back and can't get comfortable, but counselors are telling you to learn to live like that? Just remove the knife, dude. You're carrying such a heavy load. Life has lost its light and laughter and playfulness, but that doesn't mean it won't come back. Stop listening to bad advice and do what your heart has been telling you to do from the beginning. Don't let cynicism and hate canker your soul. There is joy waiting for you on the other side of this pain. Find it.

[ThatwasThen]

What keeps you there?

[Hollyj]

Stop being a martyr, and move on. This sounds miserable.

[Hollyj]

Wow! You cheated on this girl twice!!!! You are a complete hypocrite!!!! Unbelievable!

 

Clearly, this mess needs to end.

[changeiscoming]

duration of the relationship 15 years, promises I made to stick it out, friendship type of love. I've asked myself these things over and over... Would I be a hypocrite or am I just being an idiot and both of us cheating on each other proves this relationship is toxic. Being my 1st relationship when I was 19 and now i'm 33 it's hard to think about moving on. Maybe being alone in my own apartment without anyone.

 

Whenever I do leave and decide to leave I feel this great relief then she ends up calling me and I feel obligated to be the martyr as someone put in this thread. Also like someone said I am watching my soul fade my joy for things like going out with friends, being out going and goal oriented to having the joy of my day be work so I can escape in it.

 

A lot to think about I just felt like coming online sharing my thoughts and seeing what type of reaction people give me and it's as though I know what to expect but it doesn't register. I really hope to review this post over and over when i'm deep in thought.

 

 

Thanks Everyone.