Unsure how to communicate

[marriedmommy]

Hello this is my first post. My husband is 24 and I myself am 22. Married for 4 years. We have 2 beautiful children a 2 1/2 & 1 year old. My husband is in the military so this is some of the source of our problems (I think?) or at least he says.

 

We have been having problems for about 1 1/2 years. They have just got incredibly worse and now I just need help in anyway I can get it. I don't know what I should do anymore.

 

We hadn't lived with each other for about a year due to him being in training. So when we moved in together again it was a pretty big chance for us both. Due to the fact that we both had major changes in our life but we were not doing them together. If that makes any sense? if you need clarification just ask. He had completely changed as a person and I know I did as well as he was gone. I was responsible for a baby while being pregnant and supporting ourself a while he was gone. I got used to being in control of everything with my life and my sons. After I had my daughter we moved to his new duty station. He was rude and controlling in every way. I could never do anything good enough to his standards. He constantly made me feel embarrassed/awkward/sad/mad about things such as cleaning/my appearance/ remarks I made. We no longer did simple touches such as holding hands, light kissing, and hugs. We were roommates that would have sex. I got to the point where I no longer wanted to have sex and did not anymore and our relationship plummeted. He had no respect for me and made me feel worthless. I talked to him repetitively about how I felt and he slowly changed and I just got used to his "new" personality.

 

He has gotten a little better the last 3 months. I have started a daycare and am financially not dependent on him at all. So some of the worthless remarks have stopped. He does not help with any household chores or helping with the children. He refuses to change diapers, give baths, or even clean up after meals. I am responsible for absolutely everything. I feel like I am caring for 3 children not just 2. He says he loves and cares about me. But he does not show that he loves or cares about me. He thinks sex is love. The only way he shows love is through sex. I don't even know if I love him anymore or if I am just staying with him because I'm scared to be on my own with 2 young children. I want to make him see what he is doing wrong. I have talked and talked and talked to him. He says he hears me but nothing has changed. I asked if we could see a counselor and he said no. So I am now at my breaking point where I don't know what to do anymore I can feel myself getting desperate and sad and lonely. I am not happy and have not been for a long time. We have moments where I think he can change and we have a good hour or day. Than it goes back to normal. He is constantly asking me what is wrong I talk to him, I tell him, I explain and nothing has changed.

 

This is only a little chunk of everything. I don't know what to write to explain everything going on. If I wrote everything it would be a book. So ask anything you want and I will respond as fast as I can.

 

Any advise is helpful.

[1a1a]

As scary as it is, I think your life will improve 1000% if you leave him. You are better off alone with your kids than with someone who puts you down and treats you like a slave. And I really really Really don't think he will change (refusing counseling is the biggest red flag of them all). Which ever path you choose I wish you luck, you are worthy of support and meaningful connections.

[nuttybuddy]

I have a feeling that he mentally checks out when you start talking. So when you start saying things, I have a feeling he's not even listening to you. Does he even maintain eye contact with you when you talk to him? Or is he looking away?

 

I would tell him the thing you just wrote here:

I don't know what to do anymore I can feel myself getting desperate and sad and lonely. I am not happy and have not been for a long time.

 

And ask him again to go to counseling with you if he wants to save this marriage. If he still says no, then I think it just clearly shows that he doesn't care about saving the marriage. He seems pretty selfish and arrogant. I say that because he only dropped some of the complaints about you ONLY when you started to become more financially independent.

 

Thank God your kids are too small to understand what's going on, but if they grow up in an environment where they constantly see their father mistreating their mother, they're gonna think that's ok and normal. And it's NOT OK. You have to stand up for yourself now and for your kids.

 

You deserve to be treated better.

[fireflies]

You’ve done a wonderful job of communicating what you need from him. He clearly is satisfied with the way things are and doesn’t feel the need to change.

It’s easy for us to say walk away. Only you can decide whether being treated like this is worth sacrificing your happiness. What might help is joining a support group where you can discuss your concerns and learn how others are dealing with similar issues. For example, you can search online for groups that support individuals going through separation and/or divorce.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you had a rough reentry into living as a married couple/family. Go to counselling yourself. He needn't go. Read Love Languages in the meantime.

 

Talk with him not at him, ask for some help around the house/kids here and there. Talk about simple practical things, not expansive feelings when it comes to helping out with this or that particular thing.

 

Be a romantic partner and understand that sex is important and indeed an expression of love. Get out of mommy mode once in a while to be a wife/lover. Go on dates. get a sitter

He says he loves and cares about me. But he does not show that he loves or cares about me. He thinks sex is love. The only way he shows love is through sex. I don't even know if I love him anymore or if I am just staying with him because I'm scared to be on my own with 2 young children.

[marriedmommy]

Being romantic and going out on dates is impossible. He refused to let me find a sitter to watch the kids. As we are not near family that is not an option. So time that we spend alone together is at home. Which we normally watch a show together or he plays a game while I read. Which we need to work on doing more things together. I have started going on walks in the evening with the kids and about a week ago he started coming with and we do actually talk during the walk. But as soon as we get home it just stops. I don't know how to bring the conversation in with us? At this point it is the only time with him I enjoy.

 

I have been looking at what resources I have available to me if I were to get a divorce. I would want to move back to my home state as cost of living is considerably less. It's just so scary to think about. But I don't want my kids to see him like this. I just don't know what it would be like for them for seeing him as we would be several states away. I wouldn't trust him to care for them alone as he is not responsible. He has never watched either or both of them alone.

[marriedmommy]

I took the love language test and I am words of affirmation. So that might be why I am taking a lot of the things he is saying towards me or isn't saying as hard as I am.