Great relationship ended after six months - need perspective

[minosobie]

Hi all,

 

I'll keep this short and sweet. I broke up with my boyfriend of six months about a month ago and I'm having a rough time with it. We met about a year ago but he was seeing someone so we became casual friends. When I first met him, the chemistry was powerful. Our connection was very easy and comfortable and it was obvious we were attracted to each other. He dumped his ex in January and he immediately hit me up. I expressed reluctance in the fact that he'd literally just gotten out of the relationship but he was very persistent and he assured me that I wasn't a rebound and that his feelings for his ex had been gone long before they broke up so I went along with it. I wasn't going to turn down a potentially great thing.

 

We dated for six months and it was pretty much GREAT all the time. We said I love you. The sex was amazing, we have a lot of the same interests and tastes as well as similar goals and values in life. Our personalities meshed well, we made each other laugh and went on adventures and overall, it really felt like this was someone who I would be really good friends with, even if we weren't dating. There were of course, occasional moments where we got on each other's nerves but who doesn't have that? There were no fights, no nastiness, and neither of us ever said or did anything hurtful.

 

The last month we dated, I started to feel like he was "cooling off" a little but it wasn't major so I just let it go. Then around the 4th of July we were out of town and the vibe was just off. I asked him if something was up and a few conversations later, he broke it off with the reason that he realized he wasn't totally over his ex. Not surprisingly, his ex had just started posting pics of his new boo on Instagram which I know is hard for anyone to see. The break-up was constructive, respectful, and loving. We had a long hug and he left crying. I didn't try to change his mind. Needless to say his ex IS NOT taking him back. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since, keeping it together but still- WOW, I have never been through this much pain from a relationship.

 

We hadn't talked or been in contact but then I ran into him at a bar last weekend. We hugged and kissed quickly on the lips, then said a quick "Hi, how are you?" and he scurried off to literally the farthest corner of the bar for the rest of the night. I would have been fine talking for a bit but he was obviously really worked up about seeing me. He texted the next day and said "Heyyyyy yoooouuu. Nice seeing you last night. I was toasted." I said "It was nice seeing you too" and we texted a few more times about friendly things. I felt good that we re-established contact and that it was friendly but then it made me so depressed and in a way, gave me some hope that we might get back together.

 

I guess I'm looking for perspective. Our relationship was REALLY GOOD. There were no red flags and we never hurt each other. It was not at all what you would call "toxic." It was pretty easy for the most part. Yes, he hurt me by dumping me but I also saw that he wasn't in the place to be with me so I don't see it as him hurting me, just something he had to do in order to not REALLY hurt me. I know that he just probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all right now but I guess I wonder if there's a possibility of it re-kindling and working out in the future. Our lives are very connected and so I'll definitely be seeing him fairly often. How much/little should I contact him? How does this situation sound to y'all? I've never felt this way about anyone before, I've never been with someone or had a relationship that felt so right and worked so well. It's killing me.

[Wiseman2]

Not at all. He was on the rebound and after the buzz wore off the feelings faded. No contact, block and avoid him.

How much/little should I contact him?

[Hollyj]

Yup. Block and avoid. You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for.

[Hollyj]

He isn't over the ex. There is no future for you here.

 

Don't ever wait around for someone to decide that that want you. It's devaluing,

[LightWave93]

You were the rebound. Anyone who jumps straight into a new relationship is pretty much on the rebound, with a few exceptions.

 

Sorry, but you're going to have to block him and move on. Appreciate the good times you had but understand it would never have worked and would have in fact gotten worse down the lines if things hard carried on. You'll be fine, just take the time to heal.

[No1]

Lots of people are going to say block block block, no contact and never call him again and if saying that helps you.. then good. If you asked me if you should contact him again I would ask you to just step away from the situation for now.

There could of been a lot in his head. Not over his X, you could of been a rebound, you were a beautiful distraction, you were a good way for him to get over the pain from the break up, you could of been someone he could of projected the love he has for his X on, or he very well really really liked you, but the timing wasnt right. Take your pick on any excuse or come up with your own but the current situation is that you two are not dating.

Contacting him would not be helpful to you. Its going to make you feel good for a few min but then the pain is going to come back. All you are doing is reminding him of his X. So thats why I say just step back from the situation. If you see him at a bar, just say hi, but dont engage in any conversations. If you want him to miss you, then he has to see a life without you. He is the one to decide if he wants you in his life. If that happens you will have to decide if you want him in yours. But by then you could of met someone else.

Ive been where you are now. Great relationship, no real fights and the timing of it all wasnt right. Maybe in a year when he is healed and if both of you are single, then fate might bring you together. For now, just remember you had a good time and you take that with you. You were a Great, loving, wonderful GF that he probably didnt deserve but thats what he got so remember that you are amazing, awesome and any guy will be happy to have you.. This guy had his chance.

[nihongo]

I agree with No1. The timing was off so you need to not contact him so he can realize what he had. You don't want to be 2nd choice. He has to have time away from you to decide you're the one he really wants.

[minosobie]

I'm not going to block him. I think it gives him too much power and insight into my emotional state. But I'm def NOT going to contact him and I've already been very good about that. Unfortunately I think I need to explicitly avoid places I think he might be at least for a few months. It set me back a lot seeing him. I have no hope or even desire of rekindling this relationship now because I know he has a lot of to figure out. I guess whatever hope I have is for the more distant future but I'm not going to live my life as if that's a possibility. I'm pretty much doing everything right at the moment (aside from drinking too much).

 

Maybe I'm being dumb here but I don't see it as just a rebound. For one, he dumped his ex, which maybe doesn't matter but our thing was six months and we knew each other for a year before that. I don't know... aren't rebounds usually just a few months with someone you realize you can't stand after awhile? This felt real, connected, significant. I'm not delusional. We were a really good fit. That's the hardest part- to move on from this, accept what I know to be true, but accept it's not the right time. Diluting it to a "rebound" though just seems unfair.

[Hollyj]

Sorry, you were a rebound, as he told you he still had feelings for his ex.

 

He jumped from one relationship into the other, without anytime to process anything. You will move on faster, when you acknowledge the reality of the situation.

 

My ex was in love with me, too. We had an amazing connection etc. But, if I am honest, he was not over the ex, and I was a rebound.

[Lightjocj]

I was going to comment but NO1 pretty much sumed it up, i dont think every situation calls for drastic measures. This (might) be one of those. Just a step back might be the way to go for now. Observe for now. Still live your life as you are.

[minosobie]

See below - accidentally posted twice and can't figure out how to delete

[minosobie]

Yeah, I'm trying to be strong and mature about this and I think part of that includes not upping the drama by blocking him while also NOT liking any posts or giving him the attention. I think it can be powerful to stand your ground and not give someone the satisfaction of knowing they had such a strong effect on you. I also think blocking him would make any future interactions awkward and resentful. While I plan on avoiding him as much as possible and will not contact him, I do think it's healthier that when we do run into each other, it can be free and clear of drama. We can't be friends but we can at least keep negativity out of it. It's a challenge though, that's for sure.

[No1]

I hate calling it a rebound. To me personally sounds like it cheapens the relationship. So I would just chalk it up to bad timing. In reality it doesnt matter the real reason, you two had fun and it just didnt work out. He is the one with the issues so he needs to put the past behind him before he can move forward. Now you need to go out there and do things to make you happy. You will be okay, youll be happy again when the timing is right.

[minosobie]

UPDATE! In case anyone cares:

 

Been almost 2 months and I'm feeling a lot better. Life is basically back to normal and the long nights alone crying are gone. Went on an amazing week long vacation with some of my best friends and really found my grounding again.

 

As for the dude, I did NOT do NC. Although I didn't text or contact directly, he would like my photos on Instagram and FB and I would like his. Via my social media stalking, I learned that he had a little fling with someone two weeks after we broke up. It bothered me at first and then I was like "well, obviously." I've been sleeping with other people too.

 

A few days ago, I contacted him (the first time) to tell him about an amazing gallery I'd been to that I thought he'd like. He said thanks, and that my vacation looked awesome. Then he told me he'd booked a vacation for himself to Mexico City for two weeks. Just so happens, Mexico City is where that guy he had the fling with a month back is right now. RED FLAG! He doesn't even really know this guy and he's flying to Mexico City for two weeks!

 

I've realized this guy is a total mess. He's a novelty seeker. He said to me outright "I didn't want to go from one relationship to another" in reference to that fact that we started dating so soon after his break-up. But that's EXACTLY what he's doing again! And not slowly, or gradually, but he's taking a two vacation with someone he doesn't even know!?! (On a side note, I know people who know his new bae, and they tell me this guy is part of a secret Facebook group where he posts videos of himself having sex with strangers for 100's of people to see- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!)

 

Anyway- enough ranting. The moral of the story is that I finally see how unstable this guy is and how if it hadn't been what happened a few months ago, it would have been something else, maybe something much worse that broke us up. He's all about satisfying whatever needs he has in the moment and has no real sense of himself or how his actions influence other people. I mean, he dumped me to try and get is ex back, who already had a new boyfriend, with no consideration for the fact that he was trying to destroy his ex's newfound happiness. He's just a lost, emotionally unstable, narcissist.

 

Even though I didn't go NC, I learned a lot of new things that make me want absolutely nothing to do with him and make me feel that if he did end up coming back to me (which is totally possible, given his pattern he's currently repeating), that I would easily be able to say "NO."

[No1]

Sometimes to see the whole picture, you have to take a few steps back. And you did and look what happened. You saw him for who he really was. Im happy that you got over that break up hump and on your way to accepting and you can happily move on. Im very very happy for you..