Before Dating exclusive

[ptpdiscussion]

It's been hard to keep this to myself, I really need someone's advice or just to open up with someone. It's hard to keep things like this to yourself. I haven't told anyone because I don't want anyone to look at my fiancé in a bad way. So we started dating in May 17. He was a single guy about 23 years old. And I was a single mommy of 2 about 25 years old. We met at church. He was previously in a relationship with a girl but he left her because she was lazy, she didn't finish high school, he has to push her to get her drivers license, she didn't work, didn't have a car, and other reasons. They also had different religions. He claimed he broke up with her on Oct which is about 7 months before we started talking. Well his parents LOVE her and her mom. His mom became best friends with her mom. They treat her like part of the family. So we started dating in May 17 and in June 23 he took me out for my bday and we had intercourse for the first time. It seemed like we where getting close. But on 4th of July 2 week after week first had intercourse I asked him if he wanted to come with me and m my cousins to the beach and he said he had plans with his parents. That night he didn't text me at all, no good night nothing. I was furious and I was done with him. He would text me and I would ignore him

Until I finally responded after all he wasn't my boyfriend. I was done with him. He made a dumb story of how he ate a burger and got sick the whole night, I couldn't question him so I kind of distanced myself from him. We keeps texting and on August 7 he asked me what we where? I said we are just dating. He asked if we could date exclusive ? I said yes that was fine. So on August 25 we went our for breakfast and he left his phone in my car. I honked and honked and he never came out. I was going to see him in about 2 hours at church. The phone was dead but I couldn't help myself , I charged it and went through it. I found out that all this time he has still been talking to his ex. The first thing I did was message my sister and told her everything. She told me I couldn't do anything because he wasn't my boyfriend. But I did notice that he stopped talking to her about 1-2 weeks before he asked me to date him exclusive. I was furious. He spent 4th of July with her and later I found out that he slept with her that night. Even though I knew I couldn't tell him

Anything I was so done with his dumb lying ass. I felt cheated on. I went to church and I didn't hide the fact that I was mad but I didn't confront him about reading his phone. He left church early to go to work but he text me if he could see me after work that he really needed to talk to me. I agreed and I was ready to finish what ever it is we had going on. It was clear that he still loved her. He ended up

Showing up to my house with flowers and asked me in the most romantic way to be his girlfriend. He told me that in the past his ex always tries to get in when he tries to move on but that he wasn't going to let that happen. I decided to let it go because I really liked him and he didn't disrespect me while we where dating exclusive. Today we have been together for about 3 years and engaged about 1 year getting married in 6 months. I finally told him that I went through his phone and that I know he spent 4th of July with her and that it really hurt. He confessed he slept with her that night which was 2 weeks after he slept with me for the first time. He claims that was the last time. Till this day i struggle with that and throw it in his face. It hurts so bad. We

Have gone through a lot.

She was invited to all the family parties and she would act like she was his gf doing things for his mom and dancing with his dad. He tried so many ways to put a stop to her coming over. He spoke to his parents, they refused to get involved and tell them mom not to bring her daughter. He told her face to face Infront of me and she still continued to home. The last thing he did was go to her moms job and told his mom if she doesn't stop coming over to his family parties he would take legal action. We are finally ex free but how do I stop thinking that he still loves her?

[nutbrownhare]

You've been together for three years, and will be getting married in six months time. He's done everything he can to stop this girl entering into your lives, including threatening legal action. It's hard to see what else he could do to prove his love for you.

 

It sounds as though you are feeling the effects of keeping the secret about 4th July for so long, and the emotions you experience now are the ones you SHOULD have been expressing to him at the time, rather than letting it go because you really liked him. You never really let it go; the resentment has had a lot of time to build up and is all the more powerful for being pushed down - and it's only surfaced recently.

 

As it is, you are causing both yourself and him a great deal of distress over something which, for him, was over three years ago. That incident - and the girl herself - probably matter a lot more to you than they do to him, which is ironic really.

 

EITHER decide you do trust him now, unless you have good reason not to. OR end the relationship.

 

Continuing like this will poison your lives if you let it. I can totally understand how distressed you are over the situation; I once found myself in that situation, many years ago, and continued the relationship - only to end it three years later without ever forgiving him. Looking back, I wish I'd ended it at the time.

 

Only you can really make a decision on this.

[Wiseman2]

You need to get over it and have faith in your bf and impending marriage..or don't go through with it. By now you should be getting premarital counseling that addresses issues such as trust and jealousy.

getting married in 6 months.We are finally ex free but how do I stop thinking that he still loves her?

[surfdiva]

3 years is a long time to hold on to something. This man is your fiance now, that is in the past. You've agreed to marry him. It's easy for us to say "move on", but try to focus on your upcoming wedding and marriage, the past is in the past.

[Blue Ridge]

He claims that was the last time. Till this day i struggle with that and throw it in his face.

 

Stop doing that! Or break up with him, but "throwing this in his face" for something that occurred three years ago, before you were exclusive, and that you knew about and agreed to stay with him anyway... that's doing your relationship no favors. If you can't get past this DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! Counciling might be a big help, but you have to let this go or your marriage is doomed before you ever walk the aisle.

[ptpdiscussion]

I know, I guess what really bothers me and I always wonder is if he still loved her at that time. I know I shouldn't care but sometimes I feel like a rebound.

[abitbroken]

I suggest that you postpone the wedding and work on your issues together. It is not fair to throw this in his face through the whole marriage. He confessed. Now you either decide to forgive him, and put it behind you, or you choose to keep throwing it at him. If you cannot get over this, you need to break this engagement off. If you refuse, at least postpone the wedding and go to counseling together. I hope you are going through premarital counseling either way.

 

Again, I would postpone the wedding. It is far enough out that no one has purchased a plane ticket and you did not have a bridal shower. No guest is out money. If you don't want to tell them why - just say its a scheduling conflict with venues and vendors. If the wedding ends up being postponed 6 months or a year, it will be worth it. If you find out you shouldn't marry, it will be worth it.

[abitbroken]

Stop doing that! Or break up with him, but "throwing this in his face" for something that occurred three years ago, before you were exclusive, and that you knew about and agreed to stay with him anyway... that's doing your relationship no favors. If you can't get past this DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! Counciling might be a big help, but you have to let this go or your marriage is doomed before you ever walk the aisle.

 

Yes, they are only setting themselves up for a quick divorce

[abitbroken]

I know, I guess what really bothers me and I always wonder is if he still loved her at that time. I know I shouldn't care but sometimes I feel like a rebound.

 

Then its time to postpone everything - for the sake of your child, too. Your child does not deserve to live in a home with constant fighting, where stepdad sleeps on the couch or at a friend's because mom is mad for a reason the child doesn't understand. So - if she still loved her at the time - does he now? He loves you now? If you are worried about it, then wait to marry.

[nutbrownhare]

I know, I guess what really bothers me and I always wonder is if he still loved her at that time. I know I shouldn't care but sometimes I feel like a rebound.

 

Whether or not he loved her then has no bearing whatsoever on your present and future. Most of us have loved someone in the past. Some of us even pledged to stay with that person for the rest of our lives, and then it didn't work out.

 

If you were a rebound, you'd have known an awfully long time ago. You wouldn't be engaged, and he wouldn't be prepared to take legal action to keep her out of your lives.

 

The only one keeping her ever-present in your relationship is YOU. Please dump her as thoroughly as your partner has!

[ptpdiscussion]

Agreed! I will never being this up again.

[abitbroken]

Agreed! I will never being this up again.

 

Well..if you never bring it up again - are you or will you still have feelings inside that make you jealous, that make you cry when you are alone, and are just agreeing not to verbalize it? You have to be truly over it, not just shutting your mouth so the wedding can happen. I doubt if you will be able to shut off your feelings in one day. I still think premarital counseling is critical to learn how to communicate better with eachother as well.