Should I Give up on Friendship for Good?

[Emerald Knight]

I recently lost my best friend of 4 years when he decided he no longer wished to be friends. He was one of the 2 only people I still trusted completely. I have had a long history in the past of falling victim to infidelity, rejection, and abandonment. My relationships with my other "friends" are unstable and I feel they don't treat me as well I deserve nor do they put in the amount of effort as I do in the friendship. Just in general people bring me so much more anguish and sadness than joy and happiness. I have always been pretty different from people and often find it difficult to establish new connections will people and handle social situations appropriately (partly because of my Aspergers).

 

The only person I wish to remain in contact with at this time outside of family is my former lover Emily (whom I still have immensely strong feelings for). I feel she is the only individual I have met that completely understands what it's like to live so differently in this way from other people. I spend a lot of time with her and know that she will always be here to support me whenever everyone else fails me. But of course, this relationship has its own challenges in the respect that I still love her very much where as she is still unsure whether or not she is capable of returning those feelings (though I do not fault her for feeling that way). Because of this I must live in the facade that I am actually content with only being close friends right now which I'm not sure how much longer I can uphold.

 

In short, I don't know where I should move on to from here. Life has continued to knock me down repeatedly and I just want to give up. At this point if Emily's feelings could be returned to me I would be content with my current position. I desire her affection more than anything else on this Earth and it pains me greatly every day that things cannot be returned to the way they once were. Aside from that, I still deeply care for my friends, even if they have not treated me well. I don't want to abandon any of them, but I feel it is necessary to separate myself for now until I have conquered my other conflicts. Though at the same time, should I really go back to them for my own sake? I don't know what to do anymore and I would greatly appreciate guidance.

 

Thank you.

[Hollyj]

That's a lot to put on one person.

 

Have you every evaluated the type of friends you are attracted to? Why are you choosing people who do not reciprocate?

 

Where do you meet people?

[Emerald Knight]

That's a lot to put on one person.

 

Have you every evaluated the type of friends you are attracted to? Why are you choosing people who do not reciprocate?

 

Where do you meet people?

 

I meet people at school mostly and seem to choose those with similar interests to me as opposed to similar personality traits (of which are few and far between).

 

Also, what do you mean by that is a lot to put on one person?

[Hollyj]

By her being your only close friend, and the only one you feel you can turn to. Also, if she does not reciprocate your feelings, it is a big problem.

 

Try to seek out groups outside of school. You really need to expand your interests.

[Emerald Knight]

By her being your only close friend, and the only one you feel you can turn to. Also, if she does not reciprocate your feelings, it is a big problem.

 

Try to seek out groups outside of school. You really need to expand your interests.

 

What makes unrequited feelings such a big issue?

[Hollyj]

You can't have a friendship when their are feelings. It is painful.

 

Why don't you try to expand your life beyond this girl?

[Emerald Knight]

You can't have a friendship when their are feelings. It is painful.

 

Why don't you try to expand your life beyond this girl?

 

Because everyone else is hurtful and no one else understands me. The pain of unrequited love I experience now is enough. I don't need additional pain from any more rejection and abandonment.

[Hollyj]

Why did you come on and ask advice?

 

What if she moved. What would you do? Are you going to live your life in solitude and fee sorry for yourself? Obviously, you have been choosing bad friends, be more discerning and watch for red flags.

 

Jesus, you're only 17. Please seek some therapy and address your depression.

 

Good luck

[Lauren8785]

I recently lost my best friend of 4 years when he decided he no longer wished to be friends. He was one of the 2 only people I still trusted completely. I have had a long history in the past of falling victim to infidelity, rejection, and abandonment. My relationships with my other "friends" are unstable and I feel they don't treat me as well I deserve nor do they put in the amount of effort as I do in the friendship. Just in general people bring me so much more anguish and sadness than joy and happiness. I have always been pretty different from people and often find it difficult to establish new connections will people and handle social situations appropriately (partly because of my Aspergers).

 

The only person I wish to remain in contact with at this time outside of family is my former lover Emily (whom I still have immensely strong feelings for). I feel she is the only individual I have met that completely understands what it's like to live so differently in this way from other people. I spend a lot of time with her and know that she will always be here to support me whenever everyone else fails me. But of course, this relationship has its own challenges in the respect that I still love her very much where as she is still unsure whether or not she is capable of returning those feelings (though I do not fault her for feeling that way). Because of this I must live in the facade that I am actually content with only being close friends right now which I'm not sure how much longer I can uphold.

 

In short, I don't know where I should move on to from here. Life has continued to knock me down repeatedly and I just want to give up. At this point if Emily's feelings could be returned to me I would be content with my current position. I desire her affection more than anything else on this Earth and it pains me greatly every day that things cannot be returned to the way they once were. Aside from that, I still deeply care for my friends, even if they have not treated me well. I don't want to abandon any of them, but I feel it is necessary to separate myself for now until I have conquered my other conflicts. Though at the same time, should I really go back to them for my own sake? I don't know what to do anymore and I would greatly appreciate guidance.

 

Thank you.

 

Hi Emerald Knight,

 

It's interesting that you mentioned you have Aspergers. My close friend has the same condition as you and has stated to me many times it's hard for him to communicate well (like a normal person could) and establish friendships with people. Reading your post you two sound very similar. I feel I have been a good friend to him, by being patient and understanding with him since it's harder for people with Aspergers to maintain friendships compared to others who do not have this condition.

 

As far as these friends of yours who don't seem to treat you well, could you provide some examples as to what they do that makes you feel that way? If they truly don't respect you and make you feel this way then honestly I would cut my ties with them and try to move on. Why continue to be treated in a manner you don't like nor deserve. I wouldn't hang on to them just because you feel comfortable with them and just settle. I understand it's hard to establish friendships with people, but perhaps you can find others who have Aspergers as well (I'm sure there is a group or community out there to find others who have the same condition) and try to form a connection with someone like yourself. This way you can feel that others would understand you better because they are living with the same condition. Just a thought.

 

As far as Emily, have you told her how you felt about her? If so, and she's still unsure of how she feels about you in a romantic way, then I think you need to ask yourself if you can handle just being close friends ( although you said it pains you everyday because she currently doesn't seem to have the same feelings at this point) or maybe keep your distance from her for a while until your feelings are not so strong for her anymore and then continue to be good friends. I know that's very hard to do considering the way you feel about her, but if she never returns those feelings, somehow you will have to either accept that you two will just be good friends and if that hurts you too much then I think you would have to try and move on.

 

Don't ever give up though. I know it's hard because you are so different from others, but there are people out here who are good souls and will treat you as if you are just a normal person. I treat my good friend with Aspergers as if he was a normal person and since I do- I sometimes forget that with some things he just can't deliver the same things that I deliver to him and he reminds me that he has Autism and can't always express things the way that I do and I tell him I am sorry and I always keep that in my mind for the future.

 

Honestly, I have read about Autism and I wish I could understand it better (so I can understand you guys better) and I've asked my good guy friend if he could explain it further to me and he said he couldn't because it is so hard to explain.

 

I wish you luck on these decisions.

[Lauren8785]

Why did you come on and ask advice?

 

What if she moved. What would you do? Are you going to live your life in solitude and fee sorry for yourself? Obviously, you have been choosing bad friends, be more discerning and watch for red flags.

 

Jesus, you're only 17. Please seek some therapy and address your depression.

 

Good luck

 

It's not depression HollyJ it's Autism and that's exactly his point. Nobody understands that Autism affects how they form friendships with people. You and I can probably easily make friends whereas an Autistic person has trouble doing that. Please read about Aspergers and inform yourself of it a bit before you make assumptions.

[catfeeder]

As adults we need to form different degrees of friendships with different kinds of friends in order to get our needs met. One person will never be our 'everything' in the way that we could adopt 'best friends' as kids. We were blank slates then and could homogenize well with others. As we mature we grow more solidly into our own personalities, and we won't appeal to everyone.

 

Maturity means respecting the limits of others rather than projecting expectations onto them and assigning them roles in our lives that they don't want. So this means some friends might only be comfortable seeing movies together, or you might have friends who only want to play or watch sports. Some friends are easier to talk with than others, but that doesn't mean they're available to play therapist whenever we need them.

 

I would rank certain people as acquaintances and allow others to earn a closer friendship status, but I'd avoid forming a dependency on anyone. The goal of adults it self sufficiency, while sharing and caring are EARNED behaviors, and not everyone owns the capacity to engage that intimately with everyone else. So blaming someone for failing to cater to our needs is not friendship, it's assigning them a role and then resenting them for not living up to it. That's messy and unnecessary.

 

There's no need to burn bridges with anyone. It's natural for our paths with friends to diverge as we each need to attend to different interests and goals over time. The people who matter will cycle back into our lives over time--as long as we don't dramatize endings and make that impossible.

[Hollyj]

It's not depression HollyJ it's Autism and that's exactly his point. Nobody understands that Autism affects how they form friendships with people. You and I can probably easily make friends whereas an Autistic person has trouble doing that. Please read about Aspergers and inform yourself of it a bit before you make assumptions.

 

I didn't see that bit. My mistake. I misspoke. My apologies.

[Emerald Knight]

Hi Emerald Knight,

 

It's interesting that you mentioned you have Aspergers. My close friend has the same condition as you and has stated to me many times it's hard for him to communicate well (like a normal person could) and establish friendships with people. Reading your post you two sound very similar. I feel I have been a good friend to him, by being patient and understanding with him since it's harder for people with Aspergers to maintain friendships compared to others who do not have this condition.

 

As far as these friends of yours who don't seem to treat you well, could you provide some examples as to what they do that makes you feel that way? If they truly don't respect you and make you feel this way then honestly I would cut my ties with them and try to move on. Why continue to be treated in a manner you don't like nor deserve. I wouldn't hang on to them just because you feel comfortable with them and just settle. I understand it's hard to establish friendships with people, but perhaps you can find others who have Aspergers as well (I'm sure there is a group or community out there to find others who have the same condition) and try to form a connection with someone like yourself. This way you can feel that others would understand you better because they are living with the same condition. Just a thought.

 

As far as Emily, have you told her how you felt about her? If so, and she's still unsure of how she feels about you in a romantic way, then I think you need to ask yourself if you can handle just being close friends ( although you said it pains you everyday because she currently doesn't seem to have the same feelings at this point) or maybe keep your distance from her for a while until your feelings are not so strong for her anymore and then continue to be good friends. I know that's very hard to do considering the way you feel about her, but if she never returns those feelings, somehow you will have to either accept that you two will just be good friends and if that hurts you too much then I think you would have to try and move on.

 

Don't ever give up though. I know it's hard because you are so different from others, but there are people out here who are good souls and will treat you as if you are just a normal person. I treat my good friend with Aspergers as if he was a normal person and since I do- I sometimes forget that with some things he just can't deliver the same things that I deliver to him and he reminds me that he has Autism and can't always express things the way that I do and I tell him I am sorry and I always keep that in my mind for the future.

 

Honestly, I have read about Autism and I wish I could understand it better (so I can understand you guys better) and I've asked my good guy friend if he could explain it further to me and he said he couldn't because it is so hard to explain.

 

I wish you luck on these decisions.

Thank you for your kind words : ) And to answer your question, we did talk about how I feel towards her just a few days ago. We had a wondrous relationship in the past and I believe that the promises she made to be with me forever back then still stand true. So right now I am clinging to the ideal outcome in which her feelings for me will rekindle and she will be ready to date again. I really hope that is possible.

[Lauren8785]

I didn't see that bit. My mistake. I misspoke. My apologies.

 

It's ok HollyJ now you're aware of it. We're all human and miss things from time to time, no worries.

[Lauren8785]

Thank you for your kind words : ) And to answer your question, we did talk about how I feel towards her just a few days ago. We had a wondrous relationship in the past and I believe that the promises she made to be with me forever back then still stand true. So right now I am clinging to the ideal outcome in which her feelings for me will rekindle and she will be ready to date again. I really hope that is possible.

 

You're welcome for the kind words

 

I'm glad you two did talk about your feelings for her. What did she say when you told her, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I hope in the future you two can rekindle what you once had too, but just keep in mind that it may not happen as you're hoping/expecting though. I just don't want to see you get your hopes up. Be prepared for any kind of outcome. If if doesn't work out the way you would like it to then I hope you two can still be close friends at least and you would be grateful/comfortable with that Keep us updated!