My soulmate or ...?

[julietzlove]

I have no one to turn to and have been trying to figure out how to handle the situation I am in. It's quite the story. I hope I can get some advice.

 

When I was 13 I met my first true love. Fell in love with him more than I thought was possible. We were together for just shy of a year. My dad didn't like him, but my dad didn't like any guy I dated (most dads don't). My dad caught him coming over one day to see me when he wasn't supposed to and I was told I couldn't see him anymore. My dad and I fought and fought over this issue and he threatened my boyfriend Luke to never contact me again. A couple weeks later my boyfriend broke up with me, which completely crushed me. It took it really hard, to the point I took a massive amount of pills to try to end it. I was rushed the hospital and saved but was crushed about my boyfriend. He called me a few weeks later to tell me that he had cheated on me. I was so angry and confused. I decided my dad was right and stopped trying to talk with him. We both moved to different places shortly after. I had changed my name to my middle name because I hated my first name when I moved to a new town. I thought about him often but was still confused as to why he did what he did.

Fast forward several years. Grown up, graduated, moved to Washington State with some friends. I kept looking for that type of connection I had with Luke but something was always lacking from my relationships but I couldn't figure out what. Every now and then I would search for Luke to see if I could reconnect but I didn't find him.

I met a great friend at work in 2008. I wasn't attracted to him but he treated me wonderful. He was a perfect gentleman, would do anything for me, good heart and all around great guy. I turned him down due to my lack of physical attraction but eventually let that go and dated him. We get along great but I have never been IN love with him. I love him, but not in love. I thought there was something emotionally wrong with me so I figured why not stay with him, he's a good guy? We ended up getting married, hey why not marry your best friend right?

1 1/2 years after we got married I was up late and got a Facebook request from Luke. It was on Valentine's Day. I couldn't believe it. I started shaking when I saw his request. My heart was pounding like I was a teenager again. I started talking to him telling him we could never be anything but friends. I asked him why he cheated on me when we were teenagers. He told me it was the worst thing he has ever done and has regretted it every second since. He has done everything good that he could think of to make up for it. He told me the reason was because he wanted to do something he couldn't take back so he cheated for the reason that I would be repulsed by him. He didn't want me to want him because he thought he was ruining the relationship I had with my dad. He didn't talk to me about this when we were teenagers though, if he had he would've known that my dad and I had a trying relationship for many years and it had nothing to do with Luke. My father is an alcoholic and was very difficult to deal with. After discussing everything with Luke, I believe him but still don't like what he did.

He updated me on his life. He told me he had a child when he was 19 to find out when the child was 12 that it wasn't actually his kid. he is now single. He told me that he had been looking for me all this time but couldn't find me (because I had changed my name). One day he thought to look for me by my middle name (which is difficult to spell) and that's how he found me on Facebook. He had been looking for me for 17 years.

I kept talking with him, we got closer and closer. We have an incredible connection. Here's the problem, I fell in love with him again. I didn't want to and didn't plan on it.

My husband knows that I talk to him but he doesn't know that I have fallen in love with Luke again. I believe that Luke is my soulmate but I have a good life with my husband. My head tells me to stay put and live the life I chose. Logical choice. My heart is telling me to be with the man that I am completely in love with, Luke.

I know as an outsider reading this you may think I'm a crazy person and what the obvious choice is but I cannot express enough how much I love Luke. I have no family here and no where else to go.

I just heard from Luke that he is moving here in 2 weeks. My heart is doing flips but I am so very worried that I am going to cross the line, which I told myself I would never do. I only planned on being friends with Luke but my heart is pulling me towards so much more than friends. I really don't want to hurt anyone, that is the last thing I want but either way someone will get hurt.

Please can I get some advice?

Ask any questions you may have.

[Jibralta]

Don't derail your marriage for a person who treated you as an afterthought for 17 years.

[Zaphod]

Soulmate = no such thing. At least not the way people think.

 

Having a predetermined singular soulmate is just a fairy story we're fed when we're kids.

 

Perhaps you should look at this a bit more objectively.

[julietzlove]

I know for most a soulmate seems like a fairy tale, I get it. However, after reconnecting with Luke my mind has changed about that.

I've had issues with depression for a long time off and on due to head injuries growing up. The only one who has the ability to pull me away from those dark thoughts are Luke. I've gone to therapy, to which I was told "think about all the people that love you. Think about your husband. You have people who love you to live for." But I didn't care. It didn't matter. I was just going through the motions. Then the closest person I had to a daughter was ripped from my life in January. She passed away from cancer and it tore me apart. To which I thought what's the point now to keep going? I have nothing now. Then Luke came into my life a month later and changed all of that around. I talk to him for 30 seconds and he takes away that darkness of depression. No one else has ever been able to do that. He makes me want to wake up in the morning where before I didn't care if I ever woke up again. I'm telling you the connection we have is incredible. Words can't explain it.

[boltnrun]

He's not your "soulmate".

 

Seems like you view him more as your savior.

 

He's human, you know. And you don't know him, not after 17 years.

 

I already know what you're going to do. And it's a shame, because you may end up with nothing and feeling even worse than you did before.

 

And BTW, what kind of man is this Luke anyway, that he thinks it's OK to pursue a married woman??

[Zaphod]

The only one who has the ability to pull me away from those dark thoughts are Luke.

 

That makes him a friend. Not necessarily a lover.

 

And what you're talking about is finding someone you connect with, of which there any many in this world that you'll meet.

 

Nothing to do with "Soul" mate (whatever that means - many might argue the existence of a "soul" in the first place. Including me).

 

The closest thing you can get to a "Soul mate" is probably a guy who likes spinning Motown 45's from the 60's.

[Zaphod]

My husband knows that I talk to him but he doesn't know that I have fallen in love with Luke again. I believe that Luke is my soulmate but I have a good life with my husband. My head tells me to stay put and live the life I chose. Logical choice. My heart is telling me to be with the man that I am completely in love with, Luke.

 

You describe your husband in a very unromantic way. Have you ever been in love with him?

[j.man]

A guy who undermines marriages and who considers you the type to betray your husband's trust with emotional cheating. You've got a bad taste in soulmates.

[julietzlove]

I love him but no, I've never been in love with him. I've never been attracted to him. He's just a good guy.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, it sounds you are still dealing with this and Luke filled a void and provided a sympathetic ear/outlet because obviously your husband was grieving himself. You need grief counselling not a 'lover' who jeopardizes your marriage.

the closest person I had to a daughter was ripped from my life in January. She passed away from cancer and it tore me apart. Then Luke came into my life a month later and changed all of that around.

[j.man]

I love him but no, I've never been in love with him. I've never been attracted to him. He's just a good guy.

That poor sucker.

[Zaphod]

I love him but no, I've never been in love with him. I've never been attracted to him. He's just a good guy.

 

Er... so you married a man you were never attracted to.

 

Willingly? Or was it an arranged marriage or something?

[julietzlove]

Yes I did. Not arranged. I told him long ago when he asked why I didn't want to date him that I wasn't attracted to him. He kept pursuing me and I eventually gave in. We get along well, more like best friends I would say.

 

I've only been in love twice. With Luke and my ex who was physically abusive (guy before my husband). I left my ex rather quick after it got physical. I didn't think I was able to fall in love again so I ignored the fact that I wasn't in love with my husband. I thought it wasn't possible for me. Like I was incapable of that ability.

[Zaphod]

Oh dear. You are in rather a pickle aren't you.

[Andrina]

When you're not happy in your present, you look to your past to a time you were happy, but in your case, everyone but you can see the train wreck that's heading your way. You two have engaged in a sort of communication where you say you love him, and he plans on moving by you. A man willing to engage in a romantic conversation with a married woman lacks integrity, lacks respect for you and your spouse, and though you think differently, he is not the sort to be in a monogamous, faithful relationship with anyone. A man who has healthy boundaries and ethics doesn't pursue a woman he has chemistry with when he finds out she's taken.

 

You haven't even seen each other since you were children, and he plans on moving by you, I'm assuming to engage in an extramarital affair. He mustn't have much going on in his life, career-wise or relationship wise, to make such an extreme decision, yet another red flag.

 

You say you thought it was near impossible to love anybody during your dating years. Did you ever think that maybe you needed to work on yourself and be fulfilled and full of joy solo, before being ready to be in a partnership with someone?

 

You will never go wrong treating someone how you would want to be treated. If you don't want your husband to friend a woman who made his heart leap when he read the request, then you don't do things like that. It's too late to turn back time and right your wrongs, but you can make a good decision now. You don't enter another relationship when you're already in one. Deal with your marriage right now, and that means telling Mr. Player you can't communicate with him anymore because you have to work on your marriage. And you don't tell him that you'll reconnect if things don't work out with your husband. Mr. Player is the worst bet for your heart. Any guy can sweet talk you over the internet and phone. You don't even know how he'd treat you in the long run, and how things would play out once the normal stress of daily life takes over after the honeymoon period.

 

Either admit you've settled with your husband and free him so he can be with someone who is crazy about him, or attend counseling and see if an emotional connection can be established. If it ends in divorce, be alone at least a year, perhaps longer. You're in the habit of jumping from one bad decision into another. Perhaps subconsciously, you don't think you're worthy of such a nice husband. It's nice to have a companion you can be happy with for a lifetime, but you need to be emotionally whole to choose the right one and have a healthy self esteem and good sense to reject toxic people.

[musicman777]

Wow. Absolutely wow. juliet, what an awful and sticky situation you've gotten yourself into. I feel absolutely terrible for your current husband. Reading this story just adds another nail the coffin for me, I am fearful as a guy that some women would do this to me someday. The fact of the matter is, regardless of the guy from your past, you don't love him. A loveless marriage, what is the point? You've never felt that spark for him. Felt like you just settled for the first guy you thought was good enough. This was hugely unfair to your current husband in so many ways. I'm not saying you're a rotten person but you definitely made some TERRIBLE life decisions about your romantic life, intentional or not.

You need to get a divorce from your husband, regardless of what the outcome is on the guy from your past (Luke). I doubt therapy/counseling is going to do any good. You should know deep down if you love someone or not. You don't feel that way with your husband, so therefore you are wasting his time. I just feel so bad for him when you drop the bomb. And you HAVE to do this. Like others have said... your current husband, he deserves a chance to be happy, to be with someone who whole-heartedly loves him unconditionally, who finds him attractive, who wants everything to do with him. This is just so wildly inappropriate what you are doing to him.

 

Regarding Luke, that is a whole other ballgame. I don't necessarily agree with Andrina above that Luke lacks integrity for reaching out to you and things. I've gone after women who were taken before. It is VERY rare. I do respect peoples relationships/boundaries. But I also think, if they feel something more for me than their current partner, and they aren't that happy, they should be free to be with someone who will make them happy. That's an unfortunate way of how life works. Sometimes people make mistakes and end up staying with the wrong person forever and it's really sad.

Although I feel that way above about him contacting you, I also think it maybe premature for you to think anything of Luke. You two had a relationship when you were teenagers; that really means nothing. Your dad disliked him for a reason. It sounds like he's made some questionable life decisions. How can you say you "love" someone you haven't seen in 17 years and you only really knew as a teenager? Times change and people change with it. I've had very good childhood friends that won't speak a word to me today. I'm sure the same goes for romantic feelings for people. You may find he is a terrible person, a pig, or you two are completely incompatible. I feel you are jumping the gun on this one.

 

My end advice. Divorce your current husband regardless of the new guy. You can admit that Luke coming back was a catalyst for how you really feel about him. Number two, this Luke, if you really think there is something there, take it extremely slow. Let things properly end with your husband. Take time to heal and clear your thoughts. Befriend Luke and see how he is as a person before entering something super serious with this teenage crush. Realistically, the "socially acceptable" answer here is to not get involved with Luke, even if you were to get a divorce. That being said, I have a feeling you are going to reach out to him anyway. You're probably going to let you feelings get the best of you and contact him. I just hope and prey that you do the right thing with your current husband, properly end things, and let him go before you decide to cheat on him.

[julietzlove]

Thank you.

 

Yes, I did settle for the type of guy my dad always wanted me to end up with. I guess I was trying to make everyone else happy but me. To me, I don't matter.

 

I would live for my husband to find someone that makes him extremely happy. I tried to push him to date other women when we were friends but he kept pursuing me. I should've just stayed friends with him and do feel like a terrible person for being in this situation.

 

I never said I would do anything physical with Luke while still being married. I don't think I could.

 

It's true when I see Luke I could find he's not what I was expecting.

 

Yes I do need time for myself. The longest I've been single since I was 16 has been 2 months. I dated during that time though so I don't know if that counts?

 

I guess I'll start looking into a divorce.

[superfan]

Let me get this straight - you are hung up on a guy you 'dated' when you were 13???? I wasn't allowed to wear make up let and listened to the Backstreet Boys when I was 13! The choices you made then were made by a very young, emotionally immature child. Treating this guy like the second coming tells me you still have a LOT of growing up to do. The kid you were and the kid he was back then are not the adults you are now (and they shouldn't be).

 

Calling this memory your "soul mate" just tells me you still have a LOT of emotional maturing to do.

 

You are throwing all your potential happiness on this and it is going to end BADLY (and not just because you are already married).

 

If I were you, I would divorce your poor husband and spend some time alone.

[julietzlove]

I always thought about him, yes but didn't think I'd ever see or talk to him again. I didn't have a normal childhood, no. Moved out of my parents house when I turned 16 and have been supporting myself since. I had to grow up fast to support myself.

 

Soulmate is the term Luke uses. I didn't believe in soulmates per se until recently. I just knew he was in the back of my mind all this time.

 

It's not like I want to feel like this. If I could choose my feelings I'd be head over heals in love with my husband but I'm just not.

 

You can't choose who you love.

[j.man]

You know that Luke's just trying to arrange to have a lay waiting once he's back in town, right?

[boltnrun]

Yeah, this Luke is a real prize. Hitting on a married woman and using the word "soulmate" to get her primed so that when he gets there, she'll strip off the clothing and leap on him immediately.

 

What does he say about the fact you're married? Do the two of you even mention your husband? Or do you pretend he doesn't exist?

[Wiseman2]

To be honest he sounds more like a confidant than a lover. Please address your child's death and the impact on your marriage and the estrangement.

 

You can find plenty of internet lovers and confidants as a distraction, but you may want to address some real life issues rather than go down this rabbit hole of escapism.

You can't choose who you love.

[julietzlove]

He said he had been searching for me for years and couldn't help but contact me since he's been looking for me for such a long time. We talk about the fact that I'm married, yes.

The sexual part of my marriage stopped a while ago. I went to the doctor for a routine female check up in March and was told I have HPV. I have not been with anyone except my husband for the past 7 years. I asked my husband if he had been with anyone and he immediately said no, then got angry and stopped being intimate with me. It's something I've tried to work out but havent gotten far with.

My husband knows I talk with Luke and Luke knows about my husband.

[boltnrun]

"Couldn't help" contacting you???

 

Oh please...

 

What, did aliens abduct him and force him to type or jammed the phone into his hand and force him to dial your number?

 

So, the fact that your husband doesn't have sex with you makes it OK to cheat on him?

 

This is the same old sordid affair story we've heard a thousand times.

 

I sure hope you don't go down the cliched road of meeting this man at the local cheap motel for illicit sex.

[Zaphod]

He said he had been searching for me for years

 

Tell him to use Google next time like everyone else does.