Abusive relationship between 2 friends

[Prettystrange]

I am a 25 year old female who recently married my boyfriend of 10 years. My now husband Jason and I met back in high school through our mutual guy friend Kevin. Jason and Kevin are best friends and Kevin and his family are like mine and Jason's second family. The Kevin I met before my Jason and in the earlier years was very sweet and considerate but has now become selfish and seemingly abusive from my perspective. As a younger child, before any of us had met, Kevin went through having, treating and recovering leaukimia. I don't how old he was exactly but he has been in complete remission for at least 15 years. I also know that shortly before we met Kevin his dad had sent him to a strict academy school. Kevin still lives with his parents. His parents have a dynamic where his dad works and his mother doesn't and his father is kind of power hungry and somewhat sexist and verbally/emotionally abusive while his mom tends to be the victim and feed the drama. I have been witness to the rude comments and demands that are often in the form of humor and giving each other is how this family interacts parents and siblings alike. I have also seen the anger and yelling that Kevin's father, older brother, older sister, mom and now himself snap to. They don't win arguments by being right they win by being the loudest and most intimidating. I first saw this change in highschool when Kevin's dad was away Kevin would be non compliant and disrespectful to his mother. Towards the end of high school Kevin went to job Corp and met a girl. They dated for a few years but Kevin was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. He would tell her she was fat and needed to lose weight. He would try to control what she would eat, wear, do or say. She had from the very beginning a vibe that put off everyone. Very fake and impulsive liar. She would tell stories or pretend to be knowledgeable that you obviously knew was fake. At the time I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and knew her lying was to try to fit in or be cool. All of Kevin's friends and family did not like her and lot's of people told him that. It caused a lot of drama between him and his parents. Eventually their unhealthy relationship ended with her cheating on him. She was not a great person but nobody deserves the mental abuse. His attitude in general is very selfish and lazy. Obviously there is good sides to this family too. They are loyal and strong and honest for the most part. Definitely good at protecting themselves and theirs. Kevin is hilarious and brutally honest. He has a dark and probably to some offensive sense of humor. Kevin was single for few years dated here and there but then a little over a year ago he found a new girlfriend Brittnee. I have a decent amount of friends but mostly Jason is my closest best friend. I'm kind of awkward socially and don't open up to people easily so my friends tend to be Jason's friends and there girlfriends. In the past two years Jason and I moved in with a couple. My roommate Jess has become one of my first real and close friends as well as Kevin's now girlfriend Brittnee. In the past year Brittnee has become a true best friend and one of the only people I am actually close with. I really value her as a person so to see Kevin treating her with his abusive tendencies is breaking my heart. I don't know how to help. He has forced her to quit smoking cigs with him which may be a positive change but he will randomly decide to take a puff whenever he pleases but if she were to without his permission it would be a fight. He also tries to control her diet with a similar when he feels like eating something bad of course he can but she is the worst if she were to do the same. He approves what she wears and tells her she needs to do her hair or makeup. He makes demands for her to do or get him stuff. He doesn't encourage the positive but just picks apart the negative. He is inconsiderate and will ignore her feelings. He is also a pretty heavy drinker. I'm in an awkward position between my new friend and someone I consider family but is also Jason's best friend. I have tried talking to Jason about it but he has a lot of his own family and work stress to deal with. He kind of has a stubborn not our problem mentality about it. I have made it clear to Britt that she isn't crazy and we see his selfish way but as hurt as she gets she still sees the good and wants to stand by him. I told her I'm here no matter if they are together or not. Is there anything else I should do? We all have our problems but I wish he would come to a point and see that he needs help. It would feel so much better to do things that make your loved ones feel good and smile than to pick them apart and control them!! He will probably lose Brittnee and then keep repeating the same thing. You can be blunt and honest self without the abuse and if you love someone show it instead of making them feel unwanted!! I am frustrated! Help

[j.man]

I'm sure this abusive situation is important enough to merit paragraphs.

[limichelle]

I think you need to stay out of it as hard as that is the girl knows what she is dealing with. If you got into the middle, it would put your marriage and friendships to a test and you don't want to go there.

 

Your husband is right it's not your problem. Karma has a sure way of coming back around. Kevin will get what's coming to him when he does end up alone, and that will be his burden to bare.

 

Lisa

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your husband, step away from their drama.

I have tried talking to Jason about it but he has a lot of his own family and work stress to deal with. He kind of has a stubborn not our problem mentality about it.

[ThatwasThen]

Does your friend Brit complain about Kevin to you? If she doesn't then why are you taking it upon yourself to be her caretaker?

 

If you are worried about her then print off something regarding the signs of an abusive relationship and let her read it after telling her you will be there to support her should she decide to leave him. If she is still talking to you after that then let her ask for your help and if she doesn't and you can't tolerate it then it's time for you to distance yourself from them.

 

This isn't your battle.

[HeartGoesOn]

These type of scenarios tend to result in the messenger getting shot. Unless you want to become "enemy #1," stay out of it.